Jlied
Active Member
So I’m taking the advice of some people I’ve talked with in the past and just creating a post to put my feelings down and get them out of my head. It’s been quite some time since I’ve created a post so I’ll basically reintroduce myself. I’m 42, I’ve been married 17 years and I have 2 kids. Growing up in a low income house I wasn’t really exposed to internet porn until I was around 18/19 years old. I had seen it in magazines but of course nothing compares to the internet. So I would say I’ve been struggling with porn for the last 20 years give or take. It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that my issues finally came to a boiling point.
I have been working on recovery since then with the last year being where I had made some great progress. I went probably a solid year without looking at porn or visiting chat sites. But I guess what is deflating to me is recently I’ve been struggling and I’ve been edging occasionally. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that I cut out edging and masturbation as I think those were some of the driving factors into me looking at porn because my kind could only take me so far without the need for visual stimulation. At any rate since I’ve been caving in to the urge to edge I’ve also been caving into reading erotic literature, I’m twisting the imagery but I know it won’t be far away if I don’t correct my course.
reading someone’s post the other day (I can’t remember from whom though) they said one of the hardest things was to admit to yourself you have an problem. And this is so true, I don’t consider myself to have an big ego by any means but, I do struggle with self worth and confidence so it is very hard to admit to any flaw I have because it just reinforces my feelings if there always being something that is wrong with me. I know that no one is perfect and yet for me I get so down on myself for not being perfect…….ok I’m going off topic here. Anyway I’m just so frustrated that I’ve allowed myself to fall back into a pattern that leads to heartache, pain, confusion, and deceit. You’d think after a year that I should be getting stronger, not weaker. Maybe I’ve just gotten lazy. Maybe I got complacent, maybe i just wanted to remember those feelings…..I don’t know for certain.
I have been working on recovery since then with the last year being where I had made some great progress. I went probably a solid year without looking at porn or visiting chat sites. But I guess what is deflating to me is recently I’ve been struggling and I’ve been edging occasionally. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that I cut out edging and masturbation as I think those were some of the driving factors into me looking at porn because my kind could only take me so far without the need for visual stimulation. At any rate since I’ve been caving in to the urge to edge I’ve also been caving into reading erotic literature, I’m twisting the imagery but I know it won’t be far away if I don’t correct my course.
reading someone’s post the other day (I can’t remember from whom though) they said one of the hardest things was to admit to yourself you have an problem. And this is so true, I don’t consider myself to have an big ego by any means but, I do struggle with self worth and confidence so it is very hard to admit to any flaw I have because it just reinforces my feelings if there always being something that is wrong with me. I know that no one is perfect and yet for me I get so down on myself for not being perfect…….ok I’m going off topic here. Anyway I’m just so frustrated that I’ve allowed myself to fall back into a pattern that leads to heartache, pain, confusion, and deceit. You’d think after a year that I should be getting stronger, not weaker. Maybe I’ve just gotten lazy. Maybe I got complacent, maybe i just wanted to remember those feelings…..I don’t know for certain.