Disciplined for peace

[4Nick]

I have been addicted to PMO since I was 14, and I am now 20. Like many here, I have been through the cycle of trying to reboot and then relapsing and doing that over and over, and every time it hurts both romantic and personal relationships in my life. I have felt trapped, unable to escape the thing that keeps pulling me back in over and over, no matter how far I run. But I have been running alone for too long. My partner is supportive, but she is still extremely hurt every time I relapse, and I know I can't sustain this relationship without making more changes. So, today I am starting this journal in faith that I will be able to succeed this time. I am committing not to let PMO interfere with my life and my relationship anymore. Today I embrace discipline so I can finally have peace in my brain, in my body, and in my relationships.

I am religious, so my journals will have a good bit of Christian content. If you disagree, feel free to find a different journal to read, but of course anyone is welcome to read and respond to my story.

 

[4Nick]

Day 1, pain

This is the first day after a relapse. My wife is away on a trip to visit her parents, and I have been alone at our apartment for three days. Of course, this led to a relapse yesterday and the day before. I wasn't very careful at all to avoid my triggers, I guess I thought it wouldn't matter even if I did relapse. Or maybe in the back of my head I wanted to relapse and I let it happen. I most often relapse when my wife is away for a few days on a trip.

Today I am struggling with keeping my pain from becoming a trigger. I am so upset with myself and anxious, which in the past has led to another relapse. But I know I can make it through today if I rely on God and stay disciplined in all of the other areas in my life. I am trying to focus on work and school (I am still in college). I have also decided to not use any of my devices for anything except for school and work tasks. Even youtube has been a trigger for me in the past, so I don't want to get close to anything that may cause temptation. Instead, I will only use the TV in my living room for entertainment. On top of that, I have installed EverAccountable on all my devices, which tracks my usage and will report to my wife if I look at anything inappropriate.

My wife is still upset at me about yesterday, I told her right after it happened both yesterday and the day before. It does make it harder to stay sober of mind, but I know she has every right to be upset, and that she is still supportive of me through her anger. I didn't make enough changes after my first relapse two days ago, and that led to another relapse, which is why she is upset. I hope she will be able to forgive me, I don't think I will be able to make it through a reboot without her support.

Accountability has been a struggle for me. I have yet to find a single accountability partner who actually kept me accountable. It is partly my fault for not checking in with them on my own enough, but it has been very frustrating to trust mentors in churches with my story and ask them to hold me accountable, only for them to stop texting me after a couple of weeks. My wife has been the only person to keep me accountable, but it is unfair for her to have to be the one to both be the victim of me addiction and to be the one helping me heal. I pray that God would send me someone who will be a friend and accountability partner to me, but if not then I will keep trusting Him that he will keep me on track.

 

[Sepul0]

Hey dude It's nice to see a fellow Nick on here

You're the second early-twenties married man that I've encountered here in a row, congrats on finding someone I can tell that you really appreciate her

It's a blessing to have help from others during this journey, but don't forget to have faith in yourself! That's the most important part

I'd recommend looking into the ways in which the people who are featured in pornography are exploited. Gaining an understanding of that (and other sexual exploitation issues) made recovery much easier for my accountability friend (who's also a Christian), and has helped me as well

 

[seano]

My partner is supportive, but she is still extremely hurt every time I relapse, and I know I can't sustain this relationship without making more changes.

Same boat here my man. It sucks to keep hurting my gf, who is in many ways the most important person in my life and who I am closest to.

My wife has been the only person to keep me accountable, but it is unfair for her to have to be the one to both be the victim of me addiction and to be the one helping me heal.

Totally relate to this as well. Thanks for sharing, it helps to know I'm not alone and I agree it's definitely an unfair situation to put our significant others in.

Here's to new ways forward!
You got this. You can and will overcome.

 

[4Nick]

Day 2, better

Today I am healing and victorious.

Today started a lot better. My wife forgave me yesterday somehow, and we've been starting to get back to normal. Of course, there's still a healing process we have to go through together, but the tension that was causing a lot of my anxiety is mostly gone. She has actually been through the process of healing from a similar addiction and wants me to work with her for a few months doing a process that she used for healing. She's going to do it with me, so I feel very supported and hopeful that it could work for me as well. One hard thing is her trip to her parents was extended a few more days, but I am now joining them this weekend, so I will be there tomorrow or Saturday with her.

I've been praying for more discipline in my life, strength to resist any temptations, and wisdom in which situations I choose to put myself in. I hope to avoid triggers as much as possible until I feel a lot stronger about resisting them, so hopefully, by not consuming any video content on my computer or phone, I can do that. I have faith that I can make it this time, but I know that if I do relapse again, I will still be stronger than the last time.

I have a personal journal that I've been writing in since my relapse, and I thought I would start putting a little phrase that I put at the top of each entry here as well: "Today I am healing and victorious." I think it's a great reminder that no matter how recently I relapsed, the fact that I am working on healing means that I am already victorious over my addiction.