One day is a time.

[Alexey]

Hi

My name is Alex. Have been here as a lurker for quite a time. After relapsing once again I decided to start journalizing. Social connections are hard to underestimate, so I suppose it will help.


I didn't consider myself addicted until about 40 (I'm 44 now). I watched porn from time to time, but without MO. I also remained a virgin until my mid 30ies, then I embarked on a relationship. That relationship turned out to be quite dysfunctional, although I remained in it for almost 10 years.


And, ironically, during that relationship, although having regular sex, I became addicted to PMO as a way of reacting to stress. Now I live single for almost two years yet the addiction is still with me.


I became aware that I am addicted about a year ago, read yourbrainonporn and some other good stuff. I recognize negative PMO effects -- bad mood, short attention span, incapability to build a new relationship. It did help me for some time -- I had some good streaks about 30-40 days each – yet recently I again began relapsing too often -- last time was less than 24 hours ago.


Possibly the thing is imbalance in other areas of my life. Lack of inspiring goals, lack of social connection. So other areas draw me back.

 

[Alexey]

Have spent first 24hours without porn -- not bad.

From my and not only my experience weekends and especially Fridays are weak spots. Had strong urges yesterday yet managed to stay away. Today I plan going out and study some useful development stuff.

 

[Alexey]

@Crackers1 Thank you for the great amount of feedback and empathy. It is essential for me.

Yesterday I relapsed 2 times unfortunately...

From the previous post it was clear that I pretended that I'm on a slippery slope yet still didn't prepare properly. It was a day off and I felt bored being alone with my laptop. (I planned to get out and went out but lately.) Feeling bored, I began playing video game and played for quite a while. And after that I eventually slipped to P and then MO. This way one dopamine addiction led to another.
So possibly these days I should plan my spare time more carefully. Limit screen time and suggest substitute activities to myself. Going for a walk, for example, reading books.

Returning to the parents' relationships issues, childhood trauma -- yes, I had it all. Also I remained in a dysfunctional relationship for a long time in adulthood. The addiction developed mainly during that time. Before that, porn didn't seem so addictive for me.

Nevertheless I tend to deal with the PMO addiction in a more behavioral or practical way if I can say so. From my (maybe not so successful) experience avoiding triggers, creating the right environment, reading and viewing harm reminding stuff help rather than deep analysis.
At least I feel so in my current situation when all I want is just to stop jerking every damn day.

Alexey

 

[Alexey]

@Crackers1 Thank you for the feedback. By empathy I rather meant compassion. In normal life I hardly can share my problem with anyone. So any feedback has value to me. Especially if someone takes time to write comparatively long and meaningful post. Didn't mean to touch you.
And two weeks is a good run

Spent one day without porn. It seems that limiting digital consumption and going out make a good base.

Alexey

 

[Alexey]

Two clean days.

Limiting screen time and walking few times a day without specific purpose feel a little bit dull. But I'm aware that really it does have a purpose. Feeling so is part of reboot, learn to spend your day without quick dopamine fixes. I consider it as a medical procedure and the medical procedure doesn't have to be fascinating.

Had a better sleep last night. Had erotic night dreams both today and yesterday. Without orgasm, however.

Alexey

One day is a time

 

[Alexey]

@Crackers1 Thank you for another meaningful reply. Connection with other like-minded people is important when dealing with the addiction. Good to see you are still on this forum.

It could be posed that you're promoting a top-down approach. One should go to the route psychic cause, probably from childhood, and work with it. Otherwise, although there can be some good streaks, yet essentially one cannot eradicate the addiction (and that is exactly how my things are now).

But I'm still leaning to the bottom-up approach -- figuring out the right daily routine and sticking to it, tracing triggers.

One may say that the combination of both approaches -- bottom-up (at first) and top-down (add after some time) -- is ideal.

I work in support and also didn't respond for days to some client. So I remembered myself reading your post and answered today.

There was a time when I attended psychoanalyst for almost a year -- one-two times every week. That cost me some and I hadn't been content with the result. After that, I became disillusioned with psychoanalysis and even psychology. However, after some quite considerable time, my ex-wife and I went to a psychologist a few times for free (I live in a huge megalopolis and the corresponding free service is available) mainly because of her issues. That was the interesting experience, possibly helpful but again, didn't raise a considerable result from my point of view.

After a series of relapses I considered joining a local sexaholics group. Then I remembered that guys come on this forum after this organization. So while it is helpful, but not helpful enough. Besides, it doesn't address the addiction directly. Sexaholic and porn addict are not quite the same concepts. At the same time I found a number of good posts on this forum, so I decided to follow Gabe's advice and begin journalizing here.

I'm also taking an online course about the brain (in my native language). It deals with basic brain mechanisms and how we can use them in everyday life, and has subsection considering addictions.

3 days clean now -- I consider this as a first notable mark. The sleep was not so good this night and I had urges in the morning. I observed them carefully and didn't give them a long run. The rest of the day went comparatively fine.
The next goal is to overcome this Friday and the Weekend.

Alexey

One day is a time

 

[Alexey]

4 clear days now. Tomorrow is Friday, and Friday is a slippery slope for me. Have to be vigilant. Think about additional digital-free span and going out in the middle of the day.

…This group doesn't keep you on a timer…

I keep myself ‘on a timer’ because every damn relapse makes IMMEDIATE damage. Bad mood, short focus, irritability, loss of interest in other people, dull and sad face in the mirror, and many others. Even without consequential (and quite possible) relapses the bad effects don’t disappear over an hour or a day. Things are getting better only little by little as days pass by.

One day is a time

 

[GBS]

Keep going hero

 

[Alexey]

@GBS Thank you for the feedback.

5 clear days at the moment.

Feel a little bit tired and weary. It began when I woke up. The sleep was good however I felt it was not enough. Possibly, the body is used to oversleep once in a while after waking up early for a few days in a row. This is likely the downside when setting up sleep patterns.

I will allow myself some concessions this evening. Yet going to bed early and walking before that are still mandatory.

 

[Alexey]

7 days without porn.

Had a good sleep today but again – it was uneasy to get out of bed. I am so concerned about it because of the habit of fantasizing when I cannot sleep.

And why am I so obsessive about digital consumption?

The addiction has two components: one is natural reproductive instinct. You hardly can or even should do something radical about it. Limit triggers, sexual commercials, staring at girls on the street (if cut completely is impossible, at least stop doing that at the moment you became aware). All that has already been stated a lot.

The second component of this hellish potion is interesting: digital consumption. The addiction didn't exist without it, did it? As a rule the long, excessive screen time precedes the relapse. It can be social networks, watching films, even doing your job for a long time. For all that time you are only one-two clicks away from the addictive content. So, I suppose, it is essential to limit the length of those digital streaks.

I try to ingrain a few digital free spans in my everyday routine when I go out – essentially without a smartphone. Also I don’t allow myself to use my smartphone during the night.

Alexey

One day is a Time

 

[GBS]

Good job @alexey0 - do whatever you can to stay clean. Avoid masturbation if you can too. Your brain is what you’re battling with. Not a pushy drug dealer, not a barman, not a bookie, your addiction is in your head. First the fucking bastard off. I have faith in you, so much faith.

 

[Alexey]

@GBS Thank you for your reaction. I never masturbated without porn. Seems it’s my individual issue. Also morning wood is very rare if I have ever had it at all.

So now I am 8 days without PMO. I overcame the weekend and consider it as the second stage (the first was 3 days). The next goal is to overcome the next weekend.

Start adding goals little by little. I slightly move from unwiring (abstinence) to rewiring. My goal is preparation for a job interview – I plan to spend the mock interview on this or next week.

Alexey

One day is a Time

 

[GBS]

Just keep going. It’s a straight fight between you and your brain. The porn industry has stuck $1m on your brain winning, and they think it’s guaranteed. My money’s on you.

PS I had forgotten what morning glory was like but I now have it every day.

 

[Alexey]

9 clear days. Feel a little bored and weak. Possibly that’s a flatline. Continue to limit screen time.

@GBS I tend to suppose that ‘morning glory’ was never available to me because of individual issues. Even when I had rather frequent sex (every two days or even every day on average) and didn’t consume porn (or did it comparatively rarely) I didn’t have morning wood. The erection was there only when I needed it.
About porn addiction – yes, that’s very strange that it’s not officially confirmed still. Even things like ‘making selfie’-addiction had been confirmed by official medicine quite a time ago. And I believe that’s not only because of the commercial interest of porn producers.
People with limited focus and memory are much easier to manipulate.

Alexey

One day is a Time

 

[Alexey]

11 days on nofap.

Sometimes feel empty and unfocused but not so bad overall. It means that addiction related neural pathways are getting weaker. Fill my time with some unstressful activities. Career preparations that I planned earlier are not on the way at the moment yet I don't bother so far. In early days it's important not to over-stress yourself.

One day is a Time

 

[Ezel]

11 days on nofap.

Sometimes feel empty and unfocused but not so bad overall. It means that addiction related neural pathways are getting weaker. Fill my time with some unstressful activities. Career preparations that I planned earlier are not on the way at the moment yet I don't bother so far. In early days it's important not to over-stress yourself.

One day is a Time

YEAH BWOI, keep going my man, you got this champ .

 

[Alexey]

13 clear days

 

[GBS]

Good work

 

[Alexey]

@Ezel, @GBS, Thank You

Today I overcame 15 days. That was my intermediate goal and I consider it as a third remarkable stage after three days and first weekend.

The next goal is to stay clear until December 22. In that day I will possibly have an occasion to talk to some woman I liked. Some folks tend to abstain from relationships for 90 days at least, yet I am going to try.
Obviously was not successful with her before, and may not be successful next time, but something pushes me to give one more try. I'm aware of the risk, yet believe in my strength not to relapse in case of failure (or eventual success).

One day is a Time

 

[Alexey]

18 days of NoFap and no orgasm

Had erotic night dream last night. I skived off work a little and felt tired from time to time. I think that’s reasonable because I systematically damaged my brain with the addiction. While it is possible to return to the normal brain mode rather quickly but not so quick after that. Also it is important not to over-stress myself. From my previous experience it is possible to slip even with a barely discernible stress.
On the other hand – adding goals to my life is essential for a long run. So I resumed job interview preparation and try to study every day. Have scheduled a mock interview for this Sunday.

One day is a Time