One day is a time.

alexey0

Member
Hi

My name is Alex. Have been here as a lurker for quite a time. After relapsing once again I decided to start journalizing. Social connections are hard to underestimate, so I suppose it will help.


I didn't consider myself addicted until about 40 (I'm 44 now). I watched porn from time to time, but without MO. I also remained a virgin until my mid 30ies, then I embarked on a relationship. That relationship turned out to be quite dysfunctional, although I remained in it for almost 10 years.


And, ironically, during that relationship, although having regular sex, I became addicted to PMO as a way of reacting to stress. Now I live single for almost two years yet the addiction is still with me.


I became aware that I am addicted about a year ago, read yourbrainonporn and some other good stuff. I recognize negative PMO effects -- bad mood, short attention span, incapability to build a new relationship. It did help me for some time -- I had some good streaks about 30-40 days each – yet recently I again began relapsing too often -- last time was less than 24 hours ago.


Possibly the thing is imbalance in other areas of my life. Lack of inspiring goals, lack of social connection. So other areas draw me back.
 
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alexey0

Member
Have spent first 24hours without porn -- not bad.

From my and not only my experience weekends and especially Fridays are weak spots. Had strong urges yesterday yet managed to stay away. Today I plan going out and study some useful development stuff.
 

Crackers1

Member
Hi

My name is Alex. Have been here as a lurker for quite a time. After relapsing once again I decided to start journalizing. Social connections are hard to underestimate, so I suppose it will help.


I didn't consider myself addicted until about 40 (I'm 44 now). I watched porn from time to time, but without MO. I also remained a virgin until my mid 30ies, then I embarked on a relationship. That relationship turned out to be quite dysfunctional, although I remained in it for almost 10 years.


And, ironically, during that relationship, although having regular sex, I became addicted to PMO as a way of reacting to stress. Now I live single for almost two years yet the addiction is still with me.


I became aware that I am addicted about a year ago, read yourbrainonporn and some other good stuff. I recognize negative PMO effects -- bad mood, short attention span, incapability to build a new relationship. It did help me for some time -- I had some good streaks about 30-40 days each – yet recently I again began relapsing too often -- last time was less than 24 hours ago.


Possibly the thing is imbalance in other areas of my life. Lack of inspiring goals, lack of social connection. So other areas draw me back.
Alex how are you? 1st and foremost you're super brave too give us your name, and share your experiences.I know you don't realize this, but that's a huge step in the right direction. You're admitting your problem and being transparent. I'm pretty much in the same position that you are in. I'm a newbie, but gaining some clarity. What I will say, is most of this stems from our childhood and our relationship with people and our parents. It's almost like a Pyramid from a college micro economics class. At the top Is the chief source...which is our parents. Most likely you have some issues with your them...like a lot of us do. It could be some unresolved abuse, a dysfunctional family, divorce,etc.etc. 2nd it could be how we felt with acceptance from our peers. Did we feel left out, did we feel not wanted, did we not fit in physically. All this coupled with societal pressures, environmental exposure, and genetics, makes for disasterous recipe with pornography. The most unresolved problem is at the top, which is our parents. Rarely do you see someone come on here that came from a very stable household. Unless there are some extenuating circumstances, we all have serious issues with the family unit. Unconsciously these issues sit in back of our mind and one of the primal ways to sooth the pain is through PMO or some other form of masturbation. The release is intense and the only way to quell the pain. But what we don't realizeb is that this euphoric feeling can be deadly addicting. We want more and more, because we have no way to resolve the real issues. And this is the reason why people get into porn, and escalates into stuff they wouldn't normally look at. It doesn't become about sexuality anymore. It becomes about the hit, to relax you. One of the hardest parts of this journey is trying to put all those memories behind you, while you're going through the rebooting process. It's going to be the hardest thing you will ever do. It does get better, and the urges slowly subside. One thing you have to remember during this is,is if you do feel better and you start being sexually active again with a significant other, absolutely absolutely remember one thing. This addiction will always be with you, and you have to maintain sobriety for the rest of your life.
 
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alexey0

Member
@Crackers1 Thank you for the great amount of feedback and empathy. It is essential for me.

Yesterday I relapsed 2 times unfortunately...

From the previous post it was clear that I pretended that I'm on a slippery slope yet still didn't prepare properly. It was a day off and I felt bored being alone with my laptop. (I planned to get out and went out but lately.) Feeling bored, I began playing video game and played for quite a while. And after that I eventually slipped to P and then MO. This way one dopamine addiction led to another.
So possibly these days I should plan my spare time more carefully. Limit screen time and suggest substitute activities to myself. Going for a walk, for example, reading books.

Returning to the parents' relationships issues, childhood trauma -- yes, I had it all. Also I remained in a dysfunctional relationship for a long time in adulthood. The addiction developed mainly during that time. Before that, porn didn't seem so addictive for me.

Nevertheless I tend to deal with the PMO addiction in a more behavioral or practical way if I can say so. From my (maybe not so successful) experience avoiding triggers, creating the right environment, reading and viewing harm reminding stuff help rather than deep analysis.
At least I feel so in my current situation when all I want is just to stop jerking every damn day.

Alexey
 

Crackers1

Member
Well The dysfunctional relationship you had with your girlfriend is familiarity. Sometimes it's almost impossible to get into a relationship with somebody who is different from your family unit. At the same time it escalates the dysfunctionality because in some way It's comforting being in an that environment, but we don't realize that it's disastrous. I try to give people straightforward advice that cuts to the Chase. I've been pretty disappointed with this forum as everybody hyped it up as being supportive. It seems people only want to answer the feel good posts. For now it's OK but I'm going to switch forums. I can't expect Total strangers To be super helpful and empathetic. Anyway good luck with your rebooting process I'm about 2 weeks in. I started about 2 and a 1/2 months ago and relapsed about 4 times. This time is going to be for good. Getting older now and I want to Enjoy these next years with my wife and children.
 

Crackers1

Member
Oh by the way Alex, video games set off the porn PMO. It starts getting the brain going. It's like any other addiction they feed off each other.
 

alexey0

Member
@Crackers1 Thank you for the feedback. By empathy I rather meant compassion. In normal life I hardly can share my problem with anyone. So any feedback has value to me. Especially if someone takes time to write comparatively long and meaningful post. Didn't mean to touch you.
And two weeks is a good run (y)

Spent one day without porn. It seems that limiting digital consumption and going out make a good base.

Alexey
 

alexey0

Member
Two clean days.

Limiting screen time and walking few times a day without specific purpose feel a little bit dull. But I'm aware that really it does have a purpose. Feeling so is part of reboot, learn to spend your day without quick dopamine fixes. I consider it as a medical procedure and the medical procedure doesn't have to be fascinating.

Had a better sleep last night. Had erotic night dreams both today and yesterday. Without orgasm, however.

Alexey

One day is a time
 
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Crackers1

Member
Two clean days.

Limiting screen time and walking few times a day without specific purpose feel a little bit dull. But I'm aware that really it does have a purpose. Feeling so is part of reboot, learn to spend your day without quick dopamine fixes. I consider it as a medical procedure and the medical procedure doesn't have to be pleasant.

Had a better sleep last night. Had erotic night dreams both today and yesterday. Without orgasm, however.

Alexey

One day is a time
Well, I think concrete advice and getting down to the heart of things really helps.Alot of people give "beat around the bush" advice on here and that's all well and good if we were talking about everyday issues.We aren't though.This is a porn and sex addiction.Very serious stuff we are contending with and it has to treated as such.Are you seeing a therapist or joined a group? I started with a csat and she seems very good.Accommodating and answers my texts with very nice and informative resources.A far cry the the turd I had before who liked tanking my insurance company and wouldn't respond to a text for days.I also joined the groups from Seeking Integrity.They are non judgemental and really listen to you.I didn't realize the value of going to meetings until I went to this one.Much different than the 12 step SAA groups.Thiis group doesn't keep you on a timer and let's you spill your guts.
 

alexey0

Member
@Crackers1 Thank you for another meaningful reply. Connection with other like-minded people is important when dealing with the addiction. Good to see you are still on this forum.

It could be posed that you're promoting a top-down approach. One should go to the route psychic cause, probably from childhood, and work with it. Otherwise, although there can be some good streaks, yet essentially one cannot eradicate the addiction (and that is exactly how my things are now).

But I'm still leaning to the bottom-up approach -- figuring out the right daily routine and sticking to it, tracing triggers.

One may say that the combination of both approaches -- bottom-up (at first) and top-down (add after some time) -- is ideal.

I work in support and also didn't respond for days to some client. So I remembered myself reading your post and answered today.

There was a time when I attended psychoanalyst for almost a year -- one-two times every week. That cost me some and I hadn't been content with the result. After that, I became disillusioned with psychoanalysis and even psychology. However, after some quite considerable time, my ex-wife and I went to a psychologist a few times for free (I live in a huge megalopolis and the corresponding free service is available) mainly because of her issues. That was the interesting experience, possibly helpful but again, didn't raise a considerable result from my point of view.

After a series of relapses I considered joining a local sexaholics group. Then I remembered that guys come on this forum after this organization. So while it is helpful, but not helpful enough. Besides, it doesn't address the addiction directly. Sexaholic and porn addict are not quite the same concepts. At the same time I found a number of good posts on this forum, so I decided to follow Gabe's advice and begin journalizing here.

I'm also taking an online course about the brain (in my native language). It deals with basic brain mechanisms and how we can use them in everyday life, and has subsection considering addictions.

3 days clean now -- I consider this as a first notable mark. The sleep was not so good this night and I had urges in the morning. I observed them carefully and didn't give them a long run. The rest of the day went comparatively fine.
The next goal is to overcome this Friday and the Weekend.

Alexey

One day is a time
 

alexey0

Member
4 clear days now. Tomorrow is Friday, and Friday is a slippery slope for me. Have to be vigilant. Think about additional digital-free span and going out in the middle of the day.

…This group doesn't keep you on a timer…
I keep myself ‘on a timer’ because every damn relapse makes IMMEDIATE damage. Bad mood, short focus, irritability, loss of interest in other people, dull and sad face in the mirror, and many others. Even without consequential (and quite possible) relapses the bad effects don’t disappear over an hour or a day. Things are getting better only little by little as days pass by.

One day is a time
 

alexey0

Member
@GBS Thank you for the feedback.

5 clear days at the moment.

Feel a little bit tired and weary. It began when I woke up. The sleep was good however I felt it was not enough. Possibly, the body is used to oversleep once in a while after waking up early for a few days in a row. This is likely the downside when setting up sleep patterns.

I will allow myself some concessions this evening. Yet going to bed early and walking before that are still mandatory.
 
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