readytobefree
Active Member
Start of Reboot: December 29
MY STORY
I just recently turned 29, been masturbating since I was 15, 1-2 times a day. Escalated to weird fetishes and also experienced moderate PIED + DE. I'm not a virgin but mostly the sexual experiences I've had have been unfulfilling thanks to this Porn addiction. The very first time I had sex, I was able to get hard and penetrate the lady but I couldn't finish because of DE. The woman thought it was performance anxiety, so did I. Who knew that it would be PIED sheesh. Repeat that with a few different girls over the course of the next few years. Fast forward to my last relationship and it did improve. I still had mild-moderate PIED + DE but I was able to have sex with my girlfriend but the only problem was, I had to have fantasy keep my erection going and O. Can you believe that? I wasn't thinking about the girl in bed with me during sex, I was thinking about some weird porn fantasy. It's pretty sad, both for me and the girl. I feel terrible about it now.
Bad with Women
I'm a physically attractive man, and have a good body, so I don't really have a problem initially attracting the ladies but I do have social anxiety and depression and it has been a problem for me. I don't have a problem getting the first date but I soon find women being repelled by me because of my insecurities and overly nice guy personality (my internal response to social anxiety). The women I did ended up getting into relationships were fundamentally insecure, low-esteem riddled and clingy, just like me. The attractive confident hotties always seemed to pass me by or would get one whiff of my needy personality and stay 50miles away. The women I really desired wanted nothing to do with me.
No Creativity, no Focus, Severe Brain Fog
For the last 15 years I cannot remember the last really creative thing I've done. Everytime I had to do something creative, it was the worst feeling in the world. It was like wringing blood out of a stone. And get this, I'm a pretty creative guy to begin with. I was always drawing cartoons, writing stories, creating fantasy worlds before I discovered PMO. After that, my creativity just dried up completely and I could barely even of an original thought. Now that I think about it, that's really depressing. Where did my life go?
Depression
Soul-crushing, heavy depression for the last 15 years. It became even more exacerbated by failed romantic pursuits and I began to gnaw at myself on the inside. Why me? Why is my life so bad? Actually my life really wasn't all that bad. I went to a good college, had good friends, have a good job now, came from a good family.. but MAN, my insides tell a completely different story. I don't even know how I'm able to get up in the morning sometimes.
Social Anxiety
This I can definitely confirm. It's gotten better because the nature of my current job forces me to be more outgoing or extroverted but I can tell you, that it is all an act or performance. I am not INTERNALLY feeling confident or outgoing. I have to put it on. If I see a beautiful woman, you can bet I'll hang my head down and walk right past. If I see a group of beautiful women I will freeze up on the inside. It's hell sometimes.
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Time for a change
So i've been relapsing so many times in the last 4 years I've lost track of how many times I've reset my counter. I'm giving it another go, complete with Hard Mode, counter, journalling and removing triggers. I'll try to do a daily blog and hopefully I'll make it to 90 and beyond. Wish me luck! I'll be watching your journals too!
Milestones
1 Week:
2 Weeks:
30 Days:
90 Days:
1 Year (365 Days):
MY STORY
I just recently turned 29, been masturbating since I was 15, 1-2 times a day. Escalated to weird fetishes and also experienced moderate PIED + DE. I'm not a virgin but mostly the sexual experiences I've had have been unfulfilling thanks to this Porn addiction. The very first time I had sex, I was able to get hard and penetrate the lady but I couldn't finish because of DE. The woman thought it was performance anxiety, so did I. Who knew that it would be PIED sheesh. Repeat that with a few different girls over the course of the next few years. Fast forward to my last relationship and it did improve. I still had mild-moderate PIED + DE but I was able to have sex with my girlfriend but the only problem was, I had to have fantasy keep my erection going and O. Can you believe that? I wasn't thinking about the girl in bed with me during sex, I was thinking about some weird porn fantasy. It's pretty sad, both for me and the girl. I feel terrible about it now.
Bad with Women
I'm a physically attractive man, and have a good body, so I don't really have a problem initially attracting the ladies but I do have social anxiety and depression and it has been a problem for me. I don't have a problem getting the first date but I soon find women being repelled by me because of my insecurities and overly nice guy personality (my internal response to social anxiety). The women I did ended up getting into relationships were fundamentally insecure, low-esteem riddled and clingy, just like me. The attractive confident hotties always seemed to pass me by or would get one whiff of my needy personality and stay 50miles away. The women I really desired wanted nothing to do with me.
No Creativity, no Focus, Severe Brain Fog
For the last 15 years I cannot remember the last really creative thing I've done. Everytime I had to do something creative, it was the worst feeling in the world. It was like wringing blood out of a stone. And get this, I'm a pretty creative guy to begin with. I was always drawing cartoons, writing stories, creating fantasy worlds before I discovered PMO. After that, my creativity just dried up completely and I could barely even of an original thought. Now that I think about it, that's really depressing. Where did my life go?
Depression
Soul-crushing, heavy depression for the last 15 years. It became even more exacerbated by failed romantic pursuits and I began to gnaw at myself on the inside. Why me? Why is my life so bad? Actually my life really wasn't all that bad. I went to a good college, had good friends, have a good job now, came from a good family.. but MAN, my insides tell a completely different story. I don't even know how I'm able to get up in the morning sometimes.
Social Anxiety
This I can definitely confirm. It's gotten better because the nature of my current job forces me to be more outgoing or extroverted but I can tell you, that it is all an act or performance. I am not INTERNALLY feeling confident or outgoing. I have to put it on. If I see a beautiful woman, you can bet I'll hang my head down and walk right past. If I see a group of beautiful women I will freeze up on the inside. It's hell sometimes.
---------------------
Time for a change
So i've been relapsing so many times in the last 4 years I've lost track of how many times I've reset my counter. I'm giving it another go, complete with Hard Mode, counter, journalling and removing triggers. I'll try to do a daily blog and hopefully I'll make it to 90 and beyond. Wish me luck! I'll be watching your journals too!
Milestones
1 Week:
2 Weeks:
30 Days:
90 Days:
1 Year (365 Days):
