savingmysoul
Active Member
Like that posting as well -
We definately will not be the same as we were -
We definately will not be the same as we were -
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nobother
Guest
Today is Day 28 -
I spent the last week with my family on holiday. I found that my thoughts were still drawn to the dark side. I almost felt like I was a little sad that I had to give up a part of me that brought me happiness (at least I thought it was happiness). When in reality it was bringing me close to death.
I have almost gone one month without porn. I have NEVER gone this long without it once I started down the dark path. I tried anti-depressants with no luck. I contemplated taking my own life to stop the madness. But then I found this site. Other guys like me who share a common thread. Here I am about to celebrate 30 days. My next goal will be 90 days no PMO. I am finding that I really want to give up, give in, and go back to the dark side. Darth Vader once said "you underestimate the power of the dark side." Boy was he right. Porn has power. It can completely overtake your mind and body. Who would have thought it had such power?? But I will not give in. I will fight this beast to the bitter end. My dark passenger has no room in me any more. We are through.....caput......over and out.
I spent the last week with my family on holiday. I found that my thoughts were still drawn to the dark side. I almost felt like I was a little sad that I had to give up a part of me that brought me happiness (at least I thought it was happiness). When in reality it was bringing me close to death.
I have almost gone one month without porn. I have NEVER gone this long without it once I started down the dark path. I tried anti-depressants with no luck. I contemplated taking my own life to stop the madness. But then I found this site. Other guys like me who share a common thread. Here I am about to celebrate 30 days. My next goal will be 90 days no PMO. I am finding that I really want to give up, give in, and go back to the dark side. Darth Vader once said "you underestimate the power of the dark side." Boy was he right. Porn has power. It can completely overtake your mind and body. Who would have thought it had such power?? But I will not give in. I will fight this beast to the bitter end. My dark passenger has no room in me any more. We are through.....caput......over and out.
Hey nobother,
I can totally relate to what you are going through. I think for me, I just accepted the idea that i would never be in a relationship with anyone, and therefore doomed for a life alone. The porn's power is real for sure! I am 90 days in, without PMO, and am finding myself wanting to look at it. That feeling came out of nowhere. I had a feeling it might show up. I had really no thoughts about looking at porn the first 90 days, but it's on my mind alot. Like you, I will fight this!
Porn is NOT an option!
I can totally relate to what you are going through. I think for me, I just accepted the idea that i would never be in a relationship with anyone, and therefore doomed for a life alone. The porn's power is real for sure! I am 90 days in, without PMO, and am finding myself wanting to look at it. That feeling came out of nowhere. I had a feeling it might show up. I had really no thoughts about looking at porn the first 90 days, but it's on my mind alot. Like you, I will fight this!
Porn is NOT an option!
lyon03
Respected Member
Hello fellow warriors! Great post...thanks for sharing. I wouldn't call it the 'dark path' but rather the 'shining path' of recovery. Porn screwed with my brain chemistry in a very practical way. My brain saw so much filth it simply reacted by rewiring. Brain: 'Well there is so much porn stimulation producing so much dopamine, hey DeltaFosB, let's rewire to like/want/need it.' But addiction is a nasty b*tch. Once you stop the addiction, your brain may take a week to realize something is wrong before releasing a little porn-seeking squirrel in your pleasure centre. Withdrawal is terrible: pain, shakes, mood swings. My advice: yank the squirrel out, crack its neck, and skewer the f*cker. Whether you have stopped porn 1 week or 1 year later, the neural pathways are always there. So often a suggestive image or just dirty thoughts resurrect that little squirrel in your pleasure centre. We have to find other things to do when the urges come: like posting, exercise, interacting with clothed people, or macram? (bring back the 70s!). I know it's hard but just remember the guilt and shame following a PMO session. Is that really worth it? Stay strong brothers. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
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nobother
Guest
Well, I made it 30 days without looking at porn. Unfortunately I edged yesterday and had the "O" today. I feel like total shit right now. I didn't look at porn - at least not in the exact vernacular. But I googled some nude images, fapped a little (a lot) and said to myself "fuckit" and I had the "O" You see, nude images, while not porn in a mainstream sense, is porn to me. It is quite obvious that I tried to dip my toes in the pool without swimming. It didn't work. I sort of walked into the pool. I started, again, down that dark path with my dark passenger telling me "it's okay." Well, it's NOT okay. I have not felt this low for a long time. It's weird, I can help others but it seems I cannot help myself. I can post encouraging words to others - but in reality - I am a fucking fraud. Words cannot express how I feel right now.
Anyone reading this post will have the urge to say something encouraging to me. I appreciate the effort. But your words, right now, will just bounce off of my exterior. It appears that I don't have the substance needed. I am hollow right now.
But - today is another day. I reset my counter and will try - again - to go 30 days without P or M or O. That also includes googling nude images. I will probably not post anything on anyone else's thread for a while. My words are meaningless. They are fraught with fraud. I am a fraud.
I will press on. I will log on and read other posts. I will try to get encouragement from all of you. In time, hopefully, my mood will lighten and my will to beat this thing will improve.
Anyone reading this post will have the urge to say something encouraging to me. I appreciate the effort. But your words, right now, will just bounce off of my exterior. It appears that I don't have the substance needed. I am hollow right now.
But - today is another day. I reset my counter and will try - again - to go 30 days without P or M or O. That also includes googling nude images. I will probably not post anything on anyone else's thread for a while. My words are meaningless. They are fraught with fraud. I am a fraud.
I will press on. I will log on and read other posts. I will try to get encouragement from all of you. In time, hopefully, my mood will lighten and my will to beat this thing will improve.
Hey man... I have been there.
I got to day 36 earlier in the year and then binged for a few days. Now I am on day 99 and never going back. It was not a total loss for me. The 36 days went a long way to getting me healthy again. During my relapse, I found this site and have been sober since. I know how hard it is. But you can do this and it is so worth it.
I have issues with depression too. I used to treat it with porn. Now that I am in recovery, I don't have nearly as many of those dark moments. And when I do, they pass without me using. Life is so much better now - my mood, my sexual function, my outlook, my life. The rewards are there. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start back on Day 1.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
-P
I got to day 36 earlier in the year and then binged for a few days. Now I am on day 99 and never going back. It was not a total loss for me. The 36 days went a long way to getting me healthy again. During my relapse, I found this site and have been sober since. I know how hard it is. But you can do this and it is so worth it.
I have issues with depression too. I used to treat it with porn. Now that I am in recovery, I don't have nearly as many of those dark moments. And when I do, they pass without me using. Life is so much better now - my mood, my sexual function, my outlook, my life. The rewards are there. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start back on Day 1.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
-P
lyon03
Respected Member
Remember this is a journey, not a destination. It's like riding a bike, there will be bumps, scrapes, and perhaps the occasional sticky tissue along the way. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, keep posting, and keep going. So what if this is day 1 again? Remember all that you've learned since the first day 1 and when tempted again, come back to your last post and re-read it. You now know your triggers and will be better armed for rounds 2, 3, 4, 5...as many rounds as it takes to knock out your porn addiction. You are the no-fap warrior! Stay strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
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nobother
Guest
Well, now that I have pulled my head out of my ass - I can see a little more clearly about the dark path I took the past week. I felt I was making progress - doing something I haven't done since I started PMO. I felt good about myself. I felt that I was okay. So I started taking some liberties that I shouldn't have taken. I started fapping in the shower. Nothing much. Just a little tug on the pud to feel something. The fapping progressed. It stirred some feelings in me and I started googling nude images. I thought to myself "no harm - it's not really porn." What a crock. I know when I am escalating. First a little here, a little more there, and before you know it WHAM! into the "good " stuff. Yep, not only did I M to O but I thought since I have come this far what the hell? I went to my favorite P. I feel like shit. Better yet, I am shit. I knew what my 'innocent' googling would lead to. I'm not stupid in that regard. I have always told people "you cannot dip your toes in the pool without swimming." I dipped and I swam.
So my counter was reset again today. Like my title says: Today is Day One. I will try again. I certainly won't give up. This is too important for me. I hope anyone who reads this post will understand that rebooting takes time and effort. It takes a total commitment.
A cow, a chicken, and a pig were in the barnyard discussing who was most important for breakfast. The cow said "I am the most important part of breakfast. You cant' have breakfast without milk." The chicken spoke up and said "Not so cow. I am the most important part of breakfast. You can't have breakfast without eggs." The pig then spoke up and said "You are both wrong. You see with me, it is a total commitment."
Well, guys, I am the pig (in more ways than one). I am committed to beating this thing. I will put my dark passenger aside for good. He will no longer have room in my soul. Perhaps I could console myself and say "This was just a trial run." In reality I know that I wanted to relapse. The urge is strong. Addiction runs in my family. I am not an alcoholic like other family members but my addiction to PMO is just as real and just as strong.
Today is Day One.
So my counter was reset again today. Like my title says: Today is Day One. I will try again. I certainly won't give up. This is too important for me. I hope anyone who reads this post will understand that rebooting takes time and effort. It takes a total commitment.
A cow, a chicken, and a pig were in the barnyard discussing who was most important for breakfast. The cow said "I am the most important part of breakfast. You cant' have breakfast without milk." The chicken spoke up and said "Not so cow. I am the most important part of breakfast. You can't have breakfast without eggs." The pig then spoke up and said "You are both wrong. You see with me, it is a total commitment."
Well, guys, I am the pig (in more ways than one). I am committed to beating this thing. I will put my dark passenger aside for good. He will no longer have room in my soul. Perhaps I could console myself and say "This was just a trial run." In reality I know that I wanted to relapse. The urge is strong. Addiction runs in my family. I am not an alcoholic like other family members but my addiction to PMO is just as real and just as strong.
Today is Day One.
With respect, may I ask you a question? Why are you doing this in the first place?
Are you doing this to remove porn from your life? Or are you doing this in order to never masturbate or orgasm again?
If the latter, then by all means, continue feeling sorry for yourself.
But if you are doing this with the much more attainable goal of eliminating pornography from your life, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
Most people seem to agree, masturbation in and of itself is not a problem. Indeed, it's widely considered a natural, even healthy thing to do. The real issue is porn, and what it does to a man's thought process - his views on sex; his relationship with women; etc...
If you're simply trying to eliminate porn from your life, perhaps you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for masturbating once in a while - something which is perfectly healthy. (In fact, I'd even go so far as to RECOMMEND learning - re-learning? - to masturbate without relying on porn as a stimulus.) Either way, there's absolutely no point in being so strict with yourself that if you do decide to masturbate, you end up with this overwhelming sense of complete and utter failure that leaves you thinking, "f*ck it, I've gone this far, I might as well binge on porn." That's kind of self-defeating, isn't it?
Are you doing this to remove porn from your life? Or are you doing this in order to never masturbate or orgasm again?
If the latter, then by all means, continue feeling sorry for yourself.
But if you are doing this with the much more attainable goal of eliminating pornography from your life, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
Most people seem to agree, masturbation in and of itself is not a problem. Indeed, it's widely considered a natural, even healthy thing to do. The real issue is porn, and what it does to a man's thought process - his views on sex; his relationship with women; etc...
If you're simply trying to eliminate porn from your life, perhaps you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for masturbating once in a while - something which is perfectly healthy. (In fact, I'd even go so far as to RECOMMEND learning - re-learning? - to masturbate without relying on porn as a stimulus.) Either way, there's absolutely no point in being so strict with yourself that if you do decide to masturbate, you end up with this overwhelming sense of complete and utter failure that leaves you thinking, "f*ck it, I've gone this far, I might as well binge on porn." That's kind of self-defeating, isn't it?
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nobother
Guest
Raven -
In response to your question: Yes, my goal is to eliminate porn from my life - for the rest of my life. My porn has been with me for about 15 years. My masturbation habits have been with me since about age 12 (I am now 58). I feel that my masturbation has greatly increased since my fascination with porn. I use porn imagery to masturbate to. To me, this is destructive. I have lost the ability to masturbate to healthy images - such as my wife.
I don't disagree that masturbation can be a healthy thing - but it comes with certain parameters that I have failed to meet. Yes I am hard on myself. I thought that I was on a good path to a porn free life. I felt miserable that I failed.
Realistically I know that failure - or relapse - is part of the program. Hopefully any other relapse I might have will be farther and farther apart. But I want a porn-free life so badly that I am devastated when I give in to my dark passenger. My behaviors have been with me throughout my life. It is who I am. They are hard to manage sometimes. My relapse just brings them to the forefront and magnify's them in my mind.
In response to your question: Yes, my goal is to eliminate porn from my life - for the rest of my life. My porn has been with me for about 15 years. My masturbation habits have been with me since about age 12 (I am now 58). I feel that my masturbation has greatly increased since my fascination with porn. I use porn imagery to masturbate to. To me, this is destructive. I have lost the ability to masturbate to healthy images - such as my wife.
I don't disagree that masturbation can be a healthy thing - but it comes with certain parameters that I have failed to meet. Yes I am hard on myself. I thought that I was on a good path to a porn free life. I felt miserable that I failed.
Realistically I know that failure - or relapse - is part of the program. Hopefully any other relapse I might have will be farther and farther apart. But I want a porn-free life so badly that I am devastated when I give in to my dark passenger. My behaviors have been with me throughout my life. It is who I am. They are hard to manage sometimes. My relapse just brings them to the forefront and magnify's them in my mind.
Nobother,
Hang is there man. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I am in the same situation. I am in my fifties too. addicted a long time.
United we stand, divided we fall.
you can message me, and we can talk.
do something nice for yourself today. reach out to other. don't be alone.
Thanks TTrecover
Hang is there man. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
I am in the same situation. I am in my fifties too. addicted a long time.
United we stand, divided we fall.
you can message me, and we can talk.
do something nice for yourself today. reach out to other. don't be alone.
Thanks TTrecover
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for sharing nobother. It takes a lot of b*lls to admit you relapsed. You did make it 30 days before PMO which I believe is your record so congratulations on that! I'd suggest learning all you can about the addiction, analyse the triggers that led to your relapse (the shower tugging), and then start eliminating these behaviours. I never just spontaneously started jerking off. There was always a certain degree of preparation, isolation, etc before going 'pants down'. If you can learn to manage the triggers as I have, you're well on your way to breaking through 30 days. Anyhow just a quick message to say I'm behind you 100%. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
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nobother
Guest
Leon - thanks for your words.
I am, however, woefully miserable right now. Not only did I relapse last week but I went on a binge for 5 days: porn galore. Here I sit with my dark passenger laughing at me and telling me that I cannot beat this thing. I call him my dark passenger - my inner voice that whispers to me to find porn and enjoy it. He has grown in strength over the years - mostly because I have fed him well.
Yes, I went 30 days without PMO. Then I fell off the wagon and went for a ride down memory lane. So many porn sites - so little time. Last night I totally hated myself and felt that I might not be able to put this thing behind me.
But here I am today. I will reset my counter and try for a new 30 day stretch of no PMO. I know my triggers and I know what will start me down the path to the dark side. I feel weak and inadequate to handle this thing. But I really want to make a new life for me and my family - a life that does not include porn.
So, as my subject line indicates: Today is Day One.
I am, however, woefully miserable right now. Not only did I relapse last week but I went on a binge for 5 days: porn galore. Here I sit with my dark passenger laughing at me and telling me that I cannot beat this thing. I call him my dark passenger - my inner voice that whispers to me to find porn and enjoy it. He has grown in strength over the years - mostly because I have fed him well.
Yes, I went 30 days without PMO. Then I fell off the wagon and went for a ride down memory lane. So many porn sites - so little time. Last night I totally hated myself and felt that I might not be able to put this thing behind me.
But here I am today. I will reset my counter and try for a new 30 day stretch of no PMO. I know my triggers and I know what will start me down the path to the dark side. I feel weak and inadequate to handle this thing. But I really want to make a new life for me and my family - a life that does not include porn.
So, as my subject line indicates: Today is Day One.
L
Leon
Guest
nobother said:
You're welcome, Nobother.
I can totally appreciate how you feel, having been there many times myself. I do not mean to minimize or trivialize how you're feeling. But I could only encourage you and congratulate you on going 30 days without the stuff. It's easy, however, to revisit old mentalities, or rather, more familiar mentalities, and talk ourselves into acting out.
Thankfully, there is a 'day one' with you. It would be horrible to have 'day zero', or to not care at all. You obviously care. There are so many out there who callously use this stuff with no regard for themselves, their family, or the poor actresses / actors who degrade themselves for either money or their own addictions. But you're different, because you care. And because you care, you get up again, you reset and you try again. That's so commendable, man.
I'm rooting for you as I would root for myself, there's a better life out there for you and I, and when we get this crap out of our heads/hearts, we'll come to discover just how good it will be.
Don't ever give up hope, man. Love yourself, be gentle with yourself, understand yourself- while at the same time- not making excuses for ourselves. We can beat this, it just takes due diligence, like you said, you know what triggers you...
Be at peace.
