I will RECOVERY... I will be FREE!

K

Ka-Kui

Member
Hello everybody!

It's a honor to be in some way part of this forum. I hope that posting here will help me in my journey. By the way, sorry about my english!

I want to say that I'm an addicted. I M today and a few hours later I PMO too. And I tired of all this shit. I'm sick and tired. I'm not feeling very good right now, in a matter of fact I'm feeling sad, down and hopeless. I'm here because I want to reboot, I want to be free and I want to be clean.

I think that this is my second year trying my reboot. My longest streak was in 2013: 121 days. After that I didn't get no more than 60 days without a relapse. Th'ts was also my longest streak in 2014.

During the time I gave up counter, but I made one. I hope it help me. And I put the goal to go from 13/11/14 until 01/01/15 clean. I did that because I want to finish this year clean. And, of course, start next year clean too. The real goal: I want to be free FOR LIFE.

There's so much to be done in my life, and I want to do all those things.

Anyway I'd like to say my thank to the work and effort of Gary Wilson. And my thanks to Gabe Deem and all the others user around the world that spend some of their time to help each other.

Thank you everybody!
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
DAY 01

I was thinking how to know about the effects of porn in the brain changed my life. PMO was something that I used to do and didn't have any notion that it would affect the way it does. It's scary because I did that a lot. But now I know the truth. And now after a relapse I feel very bad with myself, very sad, hopeless. Before I would just PMO and go on. It was just one more "activity" that I used to do. It's really eye opening.

One thing that makes me scare is the fact that we relapse even knowing all the negative effects and how harmful it is to us. On one side, we have to know that years of PMO makes that pathway very strong. But it is scary...

All that I wrote didn't make much sense, but I think it's good to make this writings, I think it's gonna be good for me. And it's something new that I didn't before in my other attempts.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
DAY 04

I just finished watching the speak of Noah Church that is available on YouTube. That was amazing and very touching. All the pain, the sadness that he faced... and like he said: "I feel awake and being awake hurts".

I keep thinking how many lives, relationships, plans were affected by porn use. I think there are many people around the world that don't know what could be wrong with them, that didn't related their porn use with their life, relations etc. I was like "ok, I don't have a gf or don't have sex so I can use porn and it can work like a relieve for me". Then, one day I found about all the NoFap movement and YBOP - that was really historical in my life.

Other thing that called my attention the last few days was the dangerous of the escalation in the porn used. I read some stories of some people that make me think about all this PMO thing over and over. I felt more disgusting about porn in general.

So, I think that after my relapse I was send to a flatline. I don't feel life down here. And I see that as a help of my brain like it is saying "I can't stand porn anymore, stop this shit". I want to take advantage of this flatline moment and put myself in the right way to recover!

I was forgetting, I also was remembering the last days the day, I think it was early July, that I destroyed all the porn that I had burned in DVDs. I think it was almost 150 DVDs full of porn, pics etc. Doing that was really good. Even though I relapsed several times after that, recently I've remembering that act of commitment with this reboot journey. I htink that will help me!

So let's continue this journey!
 
N

nobother

Guest
Ka-Kui

I feel your pain.  I have been there also.  Start, stop, start, stop.  The feelings of shame and shit for not being able to stay the course.  I went to my doctor and was put on anti-depressants thinking that might make my libido go to sleep and not cause me to PMO.  Boy was I wrong.  It was too strong for any drug.  I was totally down and considering doing something permanent about my situation.

Then I found this site.  It's like a light came on in my head.  I watched the videos and read everything I could from others just like me.  I found encouragement and hope.

Does this mean I won't relapse?  Nope.  It just means I have found something more powerful to try than to try doing it by myself.  I could never share my pain with anyone.  I still haven't told anyone about my dark passenger.  He is still there but is not hurting me right now.  I have gone almost two weeks now without PMO.  This is the best I have ever done.

Journal in this forum daily.  Read others posts and comment in them.  If possible have a partner to help you.

You can do this.  It takes time and energy and above all:  patience.  You spent a lot of time putting bad stuff in your brain and it will take time to filter it out.  It can be discouraging.  Try to focus on good things when you are down.

Change your routines.  Find other interests to take your mind off of the urges.  They will come but they will pass.  Make a plan on how you are going to fight the urges BEFORE the urges start.  When they come - activate your plan.  If plan "A" doesn't work then you go to plan "B" and so on.

We know a little about your feelings right now.  Take strength from us and let us help you.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
Thanks nobother! You don't how your post here made me happy and made me see that I'm not alone. I agree with all tha you said. And this reboot thing is very very hard in my opinion. I know that when I really make it, it will be EASY one of the hardest things that I will ever do in my life. And I know that all this sadness, disapointment, feeling down and hopeless will be worth because I will than be able to say that I'm RECOVERED and FREE!

Just like to say thanks for your support, and the support that you're giving to others here.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[DAY 01]

Well, I'm here again to start again. I really messed up in the weekend. It was like I was out of control and my addicted brain was in command. Sometimes, when this kind of thing happens I feel really scared! This addiction seems to be so strong. When I talked about like drugs addiction it seems so far away from my reality, you know? And then I found myself addicted to porn.

I felt very bad about myself in this past weekend because of the relapses - but still found enery to clean my apartament and study. I know I can be very motivated in doing such things if I'm not PMOing.

I want to feel clean and free from all this shit. I really want. But like I heard, we can love the objective but and the process? Whatever it takes.

I installed K9 blocker and I want to be away from all these sites that are not porn but can me sexual arousal for me. I have a foot fetish since very young. But porn made things gain power. I hope I can see how is this fetish of mine in "natural state" without the influence of porn.

I think that's it for now... I will try to write here often. I hope you all stay strong and focused in our goal!
 
A

Anders

Active Member
Hi Ka Kui,

I know what it is like to relapse again and again, most of the guys on here do. Try and stay mindful of what caused you to relapse, your 'triggers' and each time you will learn. No matter how many times you relapse, just stay faithful to the jjourney and keep pickingyourself up again and trying again.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[From Day 02 to Day 00]

Pff... I'm feeling right now like a failure. I relapsed. Yesterday, I kissed my "to be girlfriend", we don't have sex, but when we can we "make out", don't if this word is correct. So today I wake up and I was very horny. I began to M. and when some time later I was trying to find videos and images. I get caught in some kind of chaser effect but the blame is on me.

It's disguting! This obsession, the power that my addicted brain has on me. I need to be more and more strong. I'm in a fragile state right now. After the relapses in the weekend and today.

But I'm don't want to keep crying and complaining about myself. Time to stand up and try again. BUT, I can't get used to failure. I can't just keep going through this relapse circle. I know that.

I will see what I will do, maybe I have to keep myself more more away from the laptop, from surfing the Internet. I'm approaching the end of my classes, I will be in vacation. More time free and I have to keep in mind that is the perfect time not to relapse but to enjoy the days doing the things that really matter in my life. I have to take care of myself, I can't keep PMO and doing all this harm to my body, my brain.

I'm feeling ashamed to came here and tell that I relapsed. Maybe it can help me in some way, but until this moment I'm feeling like to stay away from here. I don't know...

It's time to set myself in the right path, walking towards freedom from this addiction and that way helping my brain to go back to it nature state. It's been 2 years trying this, how many more? I can't give me the luxury of spending more months like "Oh this is hard, I'm tying". I want to change. I know I can be a better man, a better person, I know I can go through hell and keep going.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 01]

I'm starting again. I relapsed twice in the weekend. It was a little moment of weakness: a picture triggered me. It's my fault. Anyway right now I'm feeling good. I want to enjoy my vacation the best way I can. Doing things that gonna make me feel good and make me a better man.

So I Think it's a new start and I don't want to have to start over and over.

I know I have to improve my ways to fight the urge because my addicted brain is very strong and has power over me. I want to change that.

I'm not getting to configure my counter. My relapses was yester, sunday, in the evening.

Strength for us all.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 02]

So I'm on my day 02. So far I'm feeling good. I have some porn flashbacks I think two times during the day. Things that I saw recently in my relapses. But, fortunately that wasn't anything that got me with some urges or anything like that. But I have to be careful.

I don't have anymore classes on uni. I'm going this week the get the tests back, see where I did some mistakes. In general I got very good grades, but I KNOW that I can do even better without PMO. I remember that I had some relapses during the period that i was taking theses tests.

Another thing. Web blocker can't block all the content that may be "dangerous". When you think it's all bocked, without wanting you can find a way. I had to look at all the sides of this problem and be aware.

I want to study many things in my vacation. And I know that away from PMO I can get much energy to read and write things down. I want to spend my free time wisely.

So here to Day 02. The journey continues!
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 03]

Here I'm in day 03. I just arrived from university. I was talking to some friends there, it was a good time. Not a lot of people is going there so it was a good moment, calm, to talk with them.

I feel that I'm again on flatline. I feel lifeless down there. It doesn't bother me because I know how it is. Like I said in one of my previous posts, I think it's the way of my brain to shut down and try to rest - in some way I think it's come as a help for me. I want to do everything right. And take advantage of this flatline mode that my brain went to.

I'm also pay attention to my sleep. I don't want to go to bed late. I want to have very good sleep because it's important for the process and for the energy. It's a way to help my body and brain to heal from the abuse that I did with all these relapses. I know that some sleepless nights will come soon or later in this journey.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
I thought I did get my counter right but I noticed that it's wrong.  Does anybody knows how I can fix it? My last relapse was in Nov. 30. How can I change that?
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
PMO-Tracker said:
Your counter looks good from here. Is it showing Nov 30 for you now?
Click to expand...

Thanks for the answer. I created another counter and now it really seem to be OK. Last PMO on Nov 30. Thanks!
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 04]

Well, another night that I spent some hours talking to friends of the university. It was a good experience because was some people that I don't really have the chance to talk to. So it's a good way to know them, asking for basics informations about them. I think it's a good way to start this new journey.

I keep remembering that before I started PMOing, some years ago, I read a lot of books. I think that as the time passing by, I was becoming more and more addicted and lost all that hability to read so much. I want that back. I want much of what I was back, and of course, much more experienced about life, about addiction and so on.

I have some kind of SO. And things are really strange between us. I don't know if we gonna continue together. But I want to get the maximum of experience from this relationship and possible break up.

So this is it. I hope everybody keep going in this recovery path.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 05]

I was reading something in the Internet today when suddenly a remember of a particular video (not porn, but something very arousal) came to my mind. It was clear, like a real flashback. I remember that I just said NO to myself in the same moment. I think that even if I'm in some Flatline, part of my brain will keep giving me arousal things to remember: porn or non porn related. I have to be careful. Always!

I'm managing to get some good hours of sleep in the past few days. I think it's very good in this beginning. A good way that my body and brain can get some rest and be with the necessary energy.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
[Day 06]

My saturday was cool. I went to have lunch in a restaurant and then went to some old books store to see if I could find something interesting. Found some books that I gonna need to read in the future because of college. They were cheap. But it was very good to walk through the city, see people, know places etc.

It's not so frequent during the day, but sometimes I have some porn scene being produced in my brain - it's very strange but I see as a way that my addicted brain is trying to connect me with porn. Like I said before I didn't have any urge to see PMO. I think that my mind brain really was disconnected and put in flatline mode like a emergency measure.

Anyway gonna have my cold shower now and then I gonna read a book.
 
K

Ka-Kui

Member
Day 07

Well, it was a normal day. I went to the grocery store, cooked, watched some movies, talked to my brother. Before going to bed I talked with my SO on the phone. We talked a lot, about some issues that we're having. And I went to sleep a little late than usual.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top