2023 Goals Journal

[Nico4]

Hi —

I’m 28 and struggled on and off with porn since I can remember. I lost count years ago of the amount of times I wasn’t able to orgasm during sex or lost an erection.

Throughout my life I’ve always had women wanting me and everyone was always (and still is) confused why I never took advantage of it. I could’ve had quite a body count AND some great relationships.

I avoided and still avoid relationships with women because I’m detached and am only thinking if they remind me of the porn I watch and can give me that same feeling.

I can enjoy sex and get quite hard - I’ve come that far since the early days - however I still cannot orgasm during sex and my dick doesn’t feel all that amazing inside of a woman.

Since very early on, I somehow ended up watching BBW porn and I just went farther and farther down that road into some gross shit, and of course that translates into my real sexual life, even though in real life, I’m not actually attracted to big women. I think I am, I bring one home, and I realize I’m not actually attracted to them, and that pattern has continued for like a decade. It’s so ridiculous.

I have a strong actual libido, as in legitimately hard and needing release, so stopping masterbating does not work for me. I’ve tried NoFap before multiple times and it just makes the issue worse. The cravings build and the relapses are wild. And also not sure if it’s all the great for my mental and physical health to hold back when I really need to legitimately cum.

So I’m going to quit porn and masterbate using no stimuli.

My semi-confirmed theory from past attempts about fantasizing is that at first, my brain will automatically go to fantasizing about the porn I watched, but eventually, that will fade if I stop looking at it. The same way that in meditation, you let thoughts come to the surface and pass, or when you’re getting over something traumatic or sad, you need to let those memories come to the surface so that they can pass. I actually think this is key in my quitting, because it consciously avoids the suppression and therefore that evil secret craving I’m trying to hold back. I’ll tackle it head on instead. If this turns out to not work in this way, I’ll change my method.

So, I’m about a week in so far, and I’m going to stop forever. Will keep this updated in the process.

I have a business to build in 2023. I have relationships to foster. I have a life to continue building. I don’t have the tolerance for this problem anymore.

Onwards!

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hi @Nico4, welcome to the forum. Your journal caught my eye when you spoke about watching BBW, but not actually being attracted to bigger woman. I’m currently reading a book called Mating in Captivity…. unlocking erotic intelligence, by Ester Perel. There’s a section in there where she talks about fantasy, how porn is fantasy, and how what we fantasies about is not what we are actually wanting in our sexual lives, but that there is a deeper meaning beneath the fantasy. It’s quite hard to explain in a short post but I’ll go back and listen and then post an example…..
I just thought it might help you unlock what it is about the BBW fantasy that you really desire?!?!?

 

[Nico4]

Hi @Nico4, welcome to the forum. Your journal caught my eye when you spoke about watching BBW, but not actually being attracted to bigger woman. I’m currently reading a book called Mating in Captivity…. unlocking erotic intelligence, by Ester Perel. There’s a section in there where she talks about fantasy, how porn is fantasy, and how what we fantasies about is not what we are actually wanting in our sexual lives, but that there is a deeper meaning beneath the fantasy. It’s quite hard to explain in a short post but I’ll go back and listen and then post an example…..
I just thought it might help you unlock what it is about the BBW fantasy that you really desire?!?!?

I had a feeling it could be something like that - will definitely check that book out, thank you for this response!

 

[Beautiful1973]

It's well worth a read or a listen in my case as I've fallen in love with audiobooks.
There was a lot to take in, in the fantasy chapter, but just to give you an example, they talk about the female fantasy of the simulation of forced seduction, but in these imaginary plots the assault is not real, few woman incorporate a black eye or a split lip into their fantasy. In the fantasy, violence is subvert by gentleness, through the gentle man the woman can experience the joys of healthy dominance and powerful surrender.
I found this super interesting as a few years ago I found myself being drawn to a lot of porn where the woman were tied up and forced to orgasm......I kept thinking well the hell am I watching this..... but I discovered that I wanted a man that would take the lead, that I could surrender too......hence once I discovered that, I gave up watching it!!!!!

 

[Daybyday1988]

Since very early on, I somehow ended up watching BBW porn and I just went farther and farther down that road into some gross shit, and of course that translates into my real sexual life, even though in real life, I’m not actually attracted to big women. I think I am, I bring one home, and I realize I’m not actually attracted to them, and that pattern has continued for like a decade. It’s so ridiculous.

totally get you dude. Ive had essentially the same stuff happen to me, only i would watch gay material, then try a gay experience, not really enjoy it and then almost throw up afterwards from all the shame and disgust. This addiction warps your mind but its all a fantasy. you are already wired for what is attractive and all P does is confuse that.

I just thought it might help you unlock what it is about the BBW fantasy that you really desire?!?!?

The research and most of the anecdotal evidence from the forums and others suggests that the addiction is purely rooted in novelty and not necessarily indicative of people he is actually attracted to, hence why he takes a large woman out and realizes he isn't into them. this is really commonplace, guys go from one genre to the next, graduating and increasing anxiety and novelty to get a bigger rush. certainly was the case for me.

It gets out of hand very fast. you start off with a guy and girl. then you need more videos of guys and girls. then its multiple guys and one girl, then multiple girls and one guy, then big butts, then big breasts, then BBW's, then older girls and younger guys, then group sex, then grandmothers, then shemales, then gay, then gay guys with straight guys and it just keeps going on and on and on.....

Give it enough time, he will move on to another genre, but for now BBW is what shocks his brain the most to give him that high. It's all based on novelty. Just understand, your P addiction has usually has nothing to do with your actual real life attractions. It is a make believe fantasy world that robs you of joy love and real intimacy.

 

[Nico4]

The rush from novelty is such a good point, it’s me just wanting to see anything that’ll make my brain get a rush from how crazy it is, and i thinks it’s sexual, because it started out sexual, but transformed into just highs.

 

[Daybyday1988]

The rush from novelty is such a good point, it’s me just wanting to see anything that’ll make my brain get a rush from how crazy it is, and i thinks it’s sexual, because it started out sexual, but transformed into just highs.

Exactly man, it's the same mechanism of tolerance that occurs in drug/alcohol addictions

 

[Nico4]

Hi —

I’m 28 and struggled on and off with porn since I can remember. I lost count years ago of the amount of times I wasn’t able to orgasm during sex or lost an erection.

Throughout my life I’ve always had women wanting me and everyone was always (and still is) confused why I never took advantage of it. I could’ve had quite a body count AND some great relationships.

I avoided and still avoid relationships with women because I’m detached and am only thinking if they remind me of the porn I watch and can give me that same feeling.

I can enjoy sex and get quite hard - I’ve come that far since the early days - however I still cannot orgasm during sex and my dick doesn’t feel all that amazing inside of a woman.

Since very early on, I somehow ended up watching BBW porn and I just went farther and farther down that road into some gross shit, and of course that translates into my real sexual life, even though in real life, I’m not actually attracted to big women. I think I am, I bring one home, and I realize I’m not actually attracted to them, and that pattern has continued for like a decade. It’s so ridiculous.

I have a strong actual libido, as in legitimately hard and needing release, so stopping masterbating does not work for me. I’ve tried NoFap before multiple times and it just makes the issue worse. The cravings build and the relapses are wild. And also not sure if it’s all the great for my mental and physical health to hold back when I really need to legitimately cum.

So I’m going to quit porn and masterbate using no stimuli.

My semi-confirmed theory from past attempts about fantasizing is that at first, my brain will automatically go to fantasizing about the porn I watched, but eventually, that will fade if I stop looking at it. The same way that in meditation, you let thoughts come to the surface and pass, or when you’re getting over something traumatic or sad, you need to let those memories come to the surface so that they can pass. I actually think this is key in my quitting, because it consciously avoids the suppression and therefore that evil secret craving I’m trying to hold back. I’ll tackle it head on instead. If this turns out to not work in this way, I’ll change my method.

So, I’m about a week in so far, and I’m going to stop forever. Will keep this updated in the process.

I have a business to build in 2023. I have relationships to foster. I have a life to continue building. I don’t have the tolerance for this problem anymore.

Onwards!

Update after another week:
The biggest change I’ve noticed so far is actually not sexual, kind of hard to describe, but it’s my perception of time - time has slowed down so much and I feel so much more relaxed. I used to feel always anxious like I had a deadline for basic tasks like brushing my teeth. I can sit in moments and not feel like the world is ending if I’m not doing something, and not try and squeeze the most excitement out of every little thing because I’m not operating at a millisecond framerate anymore.

Like I mentioned above I’ve been regularly masterbating just with no porn or other stimuli. I’ve noticed more sensitivity in my dick already, and I can orgasm pretty quickly with much less pressure than I used to need. Masterbating without porn now takes 5 minutes instead of an hour-long amusement park of insanity across 3 or 4 different porn sites.

also like I mentioned, I have purposely NOT been avoiding or suppressing fantasies of porn that pop into my head, and just treat everything naturally. I haven’t been fighting anything, just letting them happen and going fully into it, and then letting them pass by, like one does in meditation. I’ve noticed the memories and fantasies of porn have been slowly getting *less* intense over time as I do this. My brain actually naturally just doesn’t gravitate towards some of the things I used to watch. So, so far this approach is working.

I think a big part of this approach is that it’s slow and gentle - again, not fighting and getting frustrated with myself. I’m still masterbating and not suppressing that desire, and not using energy trying to fight off memories of porn - just letting it happen and fade out. It’s easier on me then noFap which means consistency and maintainable - and that’s what matters.

A little different take than most other posts I see but so far it’s been working for me.

I’ve noticed less objectification when I think about women in general, and I don’t have this psychotic drooling desire for anything sexual (that I didn’t even enjoy anyway) like I did previously. It’s a much more relaxed, genuine, emotional connection with women.

also, back to the perception of time: the last week feels like 3 weeks, and I mean that in the best way possible. I feel like I’m in touch with myself and enjoying slowing down and learning about myself and my brain and my *actual* sexuality, more in the past 2 weeks than in my entire life.

To more weeks like this!