A victory

[Gracie]

The other day my husband and were eating breakfast and I had showed him something on my phone and he was looking at me when he locked on to a woman walking out of the restaurant. I said in the same conversationAl tone I had been using, “Why don’t you just follow her out of the restaurant?”
He didn’t deny it. He said what were you saying and I said never mind. I have to be truthful it hit me like a ton of bricks. He even said the minute I said it he realized what he was doing. We then had an okay day but with crappy moments. My self esteem took a big hit. I was very sad off and on. These things can just make it feel like we are back in the middle Of it again. I know it was trauma response. we talked at length about it. He said he realized and didn’t deny Like he would have before. I talked it out with him on how I felt.

The next day we met my brother and his wife at the state fair and had a great time. No worries. But in that moment….ugh!

 

[Supportive wife]

I don't think the pain and the hurt ever leaves us. In one moment we are thrown right back to the start and it all begins again

 

[joepanic]

I don't think the pain and the hurt ever leaves us. In one moment we are thrown right back to the start and it all begins again

I had great pain and hurt caused by girls when i was a teenager I eventually got over it I would not let what they did to me define who I am

 

[Supportive wife]

I had great pain and hurt caused by girls when i was a teenager I eventually got over it I would not let what they did to me define who I am

I have been unable to get over it and still carry the pain inside. It doesn't define me but I feel it there

 

[Gracie]

Hey supportive wife, good to see you here.. We have been through trauma when dealing with being the SO of a porn addict. And there are times we are triggered or like mine he looked followed with eyes I said well go follow he said I know I did it I don’t know why. We did have a day of sharing. And will it ever go away. It will always be with us.

 

[Supportive wife]

Hey supportive wife, good to see you here.. We have been through trauma when dealing with being the SO of a porn addict. And there are times we are triggered or like mine he looked followed with eyes I said well go follow he said I know I did it I don’t know why. We did have a day of sharing. And will it ever go away. It will always be with us.

Do you think you can ever move on and forgive? I thought I could but I don't think I can. Always just feels like I'm living on borrowed time

 

[Jlied]

The other day my husband and were eating breakfast and I had showed him something on my phone and he was looking at me when he locked on to a woman walking out of the restaurant. I said in the same conversationAl tone I had been using, “Why don’t you just follow her out of the restaurant?”
He didn’t deny it. He said what were you saying and I said never mind. I have to be truthful it hit me like a ton of bricks. He even said the minute I said it he realized what he was doing. We then had an okay day but with crappy moments. My self esteem took a big hit. I was very sad off and on. These things can just make it feel like we are back in the middle Of it again. I know it was trauma response. we talked at length about it. He said he realized and didn’t deny Like he would have before. I talked it out with him on how I felt.

The next day we met my brother and his wife at the state fair and had a great time. No worries. But in that moment….ugh!

Hi Gracie, I in no way mean to sound critical of your post, I think it’s nice you shared it. What I am confused by is the title, you called it a victory but I don’t know if I see where that victory is. Are you saying that because your husband admitted to gazing at the other woman was the victory? Is that something he used to deny? Or was it you staying calm and calling him out for being disrespectful to you?

if he normally denied that behavior and now admitted to it that’s good, he’s growing and taking responsibility for his actions.

if you normally would respond with more anger then it’s good you were able to stay calm, that’s also an important thing.

I know as someone recovering from porn use when my partner approached me in a calmer tone it was much easier for me to communicate vs when she let anger come through in her words. Either way I was in the wrong. And it sounds probably heartless and shallow but it’s hard not to go in the defensive when someone is speaking aggressively, it’s a normal reaction. As in most aspects in life, staying calm and expressing your feelings diffuses a potential situation and the outcome is generally always more productive.

again, i know you (partners) have been hurt, and the last thing you feel like doing is being calm and being patient in that moment but it is helpful to diffuse the ticking time bomb of a confrontation. At the end of the day we know we did wrong and we messed up. Even when in the moment we didn’t realize we did something, even when it happens involuntarily such as watching someone walk by. We’ll eventually realize we did it and we’ll be down on ourselves (assuming we are really trying to get better).

thabks for sharing that, and I’m sorry it happened. I’m sure this subject is a dead horse but there are just times as men when we involuntarily notice and see a perceived attractive woman, it is up to us to realize and snap out of it, but being visual it does happen. And just so you know, at least from my perspective, it doesn’t mean I want or prefer that person to my partner. I appreciate how it makes the SO feel in that moment, but it doesn’t always mean we are undressing that person with our eyes. Humans like beauty, otherwise we wouldn’t create such beautiful paintings, carvings, or landscapes. It’s why we dress to impress, we have an eye for it and it can and will sometimes make us take notice. But being respectful as a partner and realizing that we are gazing before it gets uncomfortable is what we have to work on, that’s our job, it’s part of the process to not feed our mind and addiction with images that may trigger a slip or relapse. But again, it’s not about how we are unsatisfied because in many cases we are very happy with our partners. We just made bad decisions that now have more power over us than we care to admit.

 

[Gracie]

Jlied,

Hi Gracie, I in no way mean to sound critical of your post, I think it’s nice you shared it. What I am confused by is the title, you called it a victory but I don’t know if I see where that victory is. Are you saying that because your husband admitted to gazing at the other woman was the victory? Is that something he used to deny? Or was it you staying calm and calling him out for being disrespectful to you?

if he normally denied that behavior and now admitted to it that’s good, he’s growing and taking responsibility for his actions.

if you normally would respond with more anger then it’s good you were able to stay calm, that’s also an important thing.

I know as someone recovering from porn use when my partner approached me in a calmer tone it was much easier for me to communicate vs when she let anger come through in her words. Either way I was in the wrong. And it sounds probably heartless and shallow but it’s hard not to go in the defensive when someone is speaking aggressively, it’s a normal reaction. As in most aspects in life, staying calm and expressing your feelings diffuses a potential situation and the outcome is generally always more productive.

again, i know you (partners) have been hurt, and the last thing you feel like doing is being calm and being patient in that moment but it is helpful to diffuse the ticking time bomb of a confrontation. At the end of the day we know we did wrong and we messed up. Even when in the moment we didn’t realize we did something, even when it happens involuntarily such as watching someone walk by. We’ll eventually realize we did it and we’ll be down on ourselves (assuming we are really trying to get better).

thabks for sharing that, and I’m sorry it happened. I’m sure this subject is a dead horse but there are just times as men when we involuntarily notice and see a perceived attractive woman, it is up to us to realize and snap out of it, but being visual it does happen. And just so you know, at least from my perspective, it doesn’t mean I want or prefer that person to my partner. I appreciate how it makes the SO feel in that moment, but it doesn’t always mean we are undressing that person with our eyes. Humans like beauty, otherwise we wouldn’t create such beautiful paintings, carvings, or landscapes. It’s why we dress to impress, we have an eye for it and it can and will sometimes make us take notice. But being respectful as a partner and realizing that we are gazing before it gets uncomfortable is what we have to work on, that’s our job, it’s part of the process to not feed our mind and addiction with images that may trigger a slip or relapse. But again, it’s not about how we are unsatisfied because in many cases we are very happy with our partners. We just made bad decisions that now have more power over us than we care to admit.

It was a victory because I did not go down the rabbit hole. Which sometimes happens. I was able to keep my struggle internal. A victory also that he did not say that I was mistaken and took ownership. It was not a glance, he was tracking her. I do know the difference.

 

[Jlied]

Jlied,

It was a victory because I did not go down the rabbit hole. Which sometimes happens. I was able to keep my struggle internal. A victory also that he did not say that I was mistaken and took ownership. It was not a glance, he was tracking her. I do know the difference.

Wasn’t trying to minimize your feelings or tell you that you were incorrect in your assessment of what happened. Simply trying to give my input from the mindset of someone who has struggled with porn. I wasn’t intending on putting you in a position of being defensive, rest assured I’ll keep my comments to myself going forward.

 

[Gracie]

Jlied I didn’t mean it as defensive. Simply explaining what it was a victory. I get a glance, I think we all do. But this was not that. And even he knew it wasn’t. A hard thing for most partners is the “they want something/one else”. Especially when they have a type that is glanced at and/or tracked most often. And that is why we had a conversation that day so we both felt attached to each other. Yes, I expressed my fears, and he talked about what happened in that moment. And we had a great time at the state fair where it was very hot and I did not worry at all.