Starting Fresh


Active Member
Hey all — it’s been awhile. I’m taking some inspiration from our friend @Trisquel here by starting a new thread.

Lots of things have changed lately. I busted my ass these past two months to get into the program I mentioned on my last thread, studying and preparing and doing multiple rounds of interviews. I was relapsing intermittently in that period of time, and that was awful, but I nonetheless managed to get admitted by working really really hard, whenever I wasn’t using.

It’s a software engineering program. It started two weeks ago, and because of the nature of the beast – a large part of which involves making software on my personal computer – I have had no choice but to totally get rid of the software restrictions on my devices. This has necessitated a difference in mindset for me about what I need to do to achieve sobriety. I can’t rely on software anymore; I have to implement big changes in my own behavior.

I have become dead set on taking this opportunity to crush this hateful activity’s grip on my life. I went the whole first week of the program without watching any porn, or doing any MO. I relapsed last weekend, but that only strengthened what has become an extremely powerful ambition to really, really quit, because I saw first hand its effect on how I interacted with people the next day, and the night and day difference in how well I felt in general. I want to take the next several months in which I’ll be enrolled in this program to not only stop using porn, but to just stop jerking off, period.

The first two weeks of the program have been just crazy. It has me studying and working with others on learning things and writing code from dawn to dusk, 6 days a week. It’s a massive commitment, and I have had a number of bad days and nights emotionally. But it also puts me in contact with others constantly, which I’ve seen make a huge and immediate difference in my sense of mental well-being. My urge to jerk off or use porn is also heavily hampered by just how stupidly busy I am, in the company of others. When I get home, I might feel a bit horny, but mostly I’m so exhausted that I just want to pass the fuck out.

I’ve also seen even the brief period of total abstinence I’ve been engaged in make a massive difference in how I am with people, when I’m actually able to be around them frequently. I feel able to make others feel comfortable and at ease, and a number of people in this group seem to like me as a person and enjoy my company. Some of them have even started to rely on me or come to me with questions or help about assignments.

It’s a shocking experience for me, who spent maybe 95% of this past summer (and much of my life in general) isolated, deeply depressed, and abusing porn to cope with it. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the abstinence is a huge part of the benefits I am experiencing. On my best days I feel fucking electric, and alive in a way I’ve rarely ever felt. On those days it’s like there’s a river of energy and confidence flowing in me that I didn’t know existed, and it has become un-stuck.

There are also beautiful, smart women in the program — and while I get a little nervous in their company, it’s a normal kind of nervous. I feel content and at peace with my dynamic with them. And I’ve noticed positive attention/flirtation from several of them — beautiful and smart women that I wouldn’t have expected to get open attention from. I am certain this wouldn’t be so if I were using porn during the program, or at the very least that I would be so fucking dulled by porn use that I wouldn’t see it for what it was. It’s an exciting feeling to see girls getting nervous around me and not just vice versa!

On that point, though, I am feeling a great deal of sexual desire, which I need to think about how to handle. I’m so busy right now (like I mentioned, dawn to dusk 6 days a week …) that I don’t really think I have time for dating. And although I have chemistry with some of the girls in my program, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to actively pursue anything from that, because this setting bridges an awkward line between social and professional. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. Mostly right now I’m trying to just stick it out with my libido to give my brain time to adapt to more than a week of abstinence. I must say it is a little rough, because I am feeling really intense desire every day, but I will do what I can because I know this is important.

Well that’s all for now folks… because I am so busy it will be less often than I used to, but I will try to check in when I can. Weekends are the toughest for me because that is when I have the most alone time each week, so I’ll plan to make a post each Saturday or Sunday to keep some accountability going.

All the best,


🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🔷 ← Today, 09/03


Wow! That's an exciting, promising report. Hard work + social contact can be a great combo during rebooting.

Congrats on getting into the program...and discovering what a natural, supportive leader you are.


Active Member
Hey guys!

It has been an exhausting couple of weeks, but I am doing alright.

I ended up fully relapsing a few days after my last post, unfortunately. But like before, I immediately observed how deeply miserable that made me feel the ensuing week, and that has given me what I needed to push through all of the time of between then and now without MO. I am currently on my 12th day without MO.

This has been an interesting time. Unlike in previous streaks, my libido was hampered early on by feeling physically unwell, because the AC in our campus broke for a number of days, so it was very hot … and I got food poisoning too. But my libido has definitely been there in the background the entire time, and now it is surging again, big time.

I am feeling much more sexual lately. It is an interesting feeling, because I’m realizing that “feeling sexual” for me can be about much more than just feeling horny. It makes me bolder, it makes me have less inhibitions, and it makes me want to create things. I am funnier, I am smarter, and I have more and more clarity about other people in general.

I also have an intense urge just to interact with women more. I am more willing to do so, and I am motivated to get their attention in a positive/respectful way. I am feeling like I can communicate so much desire without saying a word about it, without being overtly sexual … it’s like there’s a hidden language, and suddenly I’ve started speaking it, without ever “learning how.”

Eye contact is a big change too -- I am much more willing to make and hold eye contact, especially with girls I don’t know, but more and moreso with familiar ones too. And without porn, I am noticing just how really beautiful so many women around me are. So much so that it honestly makes me emotional! I know that sounds melodramatic but it’s true lol.

Obviously I am also thinking about sex lol. A lot. I notice women sexually very often, but I also want to stay in this space instead of defusing it with MO. I see what it does to me socially and personally… it feels like I’m a completely different person; like I’m actually a man. Horniness is a small part of all the many forms that sexual energy has been taking, and I feel more and more like it’s just not worth giving all that up for a cheap wank.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. There were many very emotionally difficult days for me in the past few weeks, and a number of the old demons have been coming back to haunt me emotionally. So it’s not all sunshine and roses … but I feel that I am really heading in the right direction now. I’m gonna stick with it.

Peace and love to you all.

🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦 ← Today, 09/17


Active Member
Day 18 without MO. Probably the longest I've gone since I was what, 10 years old?

Like I said before, I feel very different. It almost feels like I'm someone else. Abstinence is changing how I interact with everybody, everywhere.

It also seems like my brain has begun to get used to the idea that I just don't masturbate, now that I've gotten over the initial hump. I've gotten very aroused on some days when I had a bit of chemistry going with someone in the program, but the arousal seems to defuse pretty easily once I'm out of those situations.

As long as I keep consistently busy, I'm not constantly thinking about how horny I am -- I guess that's how it's supposed to be. The fact that I enjoy flirting and the attention I've been getting here and there also gives me another reason (among many) to not defuse it by jacking off.

Onward and upward!

🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦 ← Today, 09/24