Hey all — it’s been awhile. I’m taking some inspiration from our friend @Trisquel here by starting a new thread.
Lots of things have changed lately. I busted my ass these past two months to get into the program I mentioned on my last thread, studying and preparing and doing multiple rounds of interviews. I was relapsing intermittently in that period of time, and that was awful, but I nonetheless managed to get admitted by working really really hard, whenever I wasn’t using.
It’s a software engineering program. It started two weeks ago, and because of the nature of the beast – a large part of which involves making software on my personal computer – I have had no choice but to totally get rid of the software restrictions on my devices. This has necessitated a difference in mindset for me about what I need to do to achieve sobriety. I can’t rely on software anymore; I have to implement big changes in my own behavior.
I have become dead set on taking this opportunity to crush this hateful activity’s grip on my life. I went the whole first week of the program without watching any porn, or doing any MO. I relapsed last weekend, but that only strengthened what has become an extremely powerful ambition to really, really quit, because I saw first hand its effect on how I interacted with people the next day, and the night and day difference in how well I felt in general. I want to take the next several months in which I’ll be enrolled in this program to not only stop using porn, but to just stop jerking off, period.
The first two weeks of the program have been just crazy. It has me studying and working with others on learning things and writing code from dawn to dusk, 6 days a week. It’s a massive commitment, and I have had a number of bad days and nights emotionally. But it also puts me in contact with others constantly, which I’ve seen make a huge and immediate difference in my sense of mental well-being. My urge to jerk off or use porn is also heavily hampered by just how stupidly busy I am, in the company of others. When I get home, I might feel a bit horny, but mostly I’m so exhausted that I just want to pass the fuck out.
I’ve also seen even the brief period of total abstinence I’ve been engaged in make a massive difference in how I am with people, when I’m actually able to be around them frequently. I feel able to make others feel comfortable and at ease, and a number of people in this group seem to like me as a person and enjoy my company. Some of them have even started to rely on me or come to me with questions or help about assignments.
It’s a shocking experience for me, who spent maybe 95% of this past summer (and much of my life in general) isolated, deeply depressed, and abusing porn to cope with it. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the abstinence is a huge part of the benefits I am experiencing. On my best days I feel fucking electric, and alive in a way I’ve rarely ever felt. On those days it’s like there’s a river of energy and confidence flowing in me that I didn’t know existed, and it has become un-stuck.
There are also beautiful, smart women in the program — and while I get a little nervous in their company, it’s a normal kind of nervous. I feel content and at peace with my dynamic with them. And I’ve noticed positive attention/flirtation from several of them — beautiful and smart women that I wouldn’t have expected to get open attention from. I am certain this wouldn’t be so if I were using porn during the program, or at the very least that I would be so fucking dulled by porn use that I wouldn’t see it for what it was. It’s an exciting feeling to see girls getting nervous around me and not just vice versa!
On that point, though, I am feeling a great deal of sexual desire, which I need to think about how to handle. I’m so busy right now (like I mentioned, dawn to dusk 6 days a week …) that I don’t really think I have time for dating. And although I have chemistry with some of the girls in my program, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to actively pursue anything from that, because this setting bridges an awkward line between social and professional. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. Mostly right now I’m trying to just stick it out with my libido to give my brain time to adapt to more than a week of abstinence. I must say it is a little rough, because I am feeling really intense desire every day, but I will do what I can because I know this is important.
Well that’s all for now folks… because I am so busy it will be less often than I used to, but I will try to check in when I can. Weekends are the toughest for me because that is when I have the most alone time each week, so I’ll plan to make a post each Saturday or Sunday to keep some accountability going.
All the best,
TypeN.
← Today, 09/03
Lots of things have changed lately. I busted my ass these past two months to get into the program I mentioned on my last thread, studying and preparing and doing multiple rounds of interviews. I was relapsing intermittently in that period of time, and that was awful, but I nonetheless managed to get admitted by working really really hard, whenever I wasn’t using.
It’s a software engineering program. It started two weeks ago, and because of the nature of the beast – a large part of which involves making software on my personal computer – I have had no choice but to totally get rid of the software restrictions on my devices. This has necessitated a difference in mindset for me about what I need to do to achieve sobriety. I can’t rely on software anymore; I have to implement big changes in my own behavior.
I have become dead set on taking this opportunity to crush this hateful activity’s grip on my life. I went the whole first week of the program without watching any porn, or doing any MO. I relapsed last weekend, but that only strengthened what has become an extremely powerful ambition to really, really quit, because I saw first hand its effect on how I interacted with people the next day, and the night and day difference in how well I felt in general. I want to take the next several months in which I’ll be enrolled in this program to not only stop using porn, but to just stop jerking off, period.
The first two weeks of the program have been just crazy. It has me studying and working with others on learning things and writing code from dawn to dusk, 6 days a week. It’s a massive commitment, and I have had a number of bad days and nights emotionally. But it also puts me in contact with others constantly, which I’ve seen make a huge and immediate difference in my sense of mental well-being. My urge to jerk off or use porn is also heavily hampered by just how stupidly busy I am, in the company of others. When I get home, I might feel a bit horny, but mostly I’m so exhausted that I just want to pass the fuck out.
I’ve also seen even the brief period of total abstinence I’ve been engaged in make a massive difference in how I am with people, when I’m actually able to be around them frequently. I feel able to make others feel comfortable and at ease, and a number of people in this group seem to like me as a person and enjoy my company. Some of them have even started to rely on me or come to me with questions or help about assignments.
It’s a shocking experience for me, who spent maybe 95% of this past summer (and much of my life in general) isolated, deeply depressed, and abusing porn to cope with it. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the abstinence is a huge part of the benefits I am experiencing. On my best days I feel fucking electric, and alive in a way I’ve rarely ever felt. On those days it’s like there’s a river of energy and confidence flowing in me that I didn’t know existed, and it has become un-stuck.
There are also beautiful, smart women in the program — and while I get a little nervous in their company, it’s a normal kind of nervous. I feel content and at peace with my dynamic with them. And I’ve noticed positive attention/flirtation from several of them — beautiful and smart women that I wouldn’t have expected to get open attention from. I am certain this wouldn’t be so if I were using porn during the program, or at the very least that I would be so fucking dulled by porn use that I wouldn’t see it for what it was. It’s an exciting feeling to see girls getting nervous around me and not just vice versa!
On that point, though, I am feeling a great deal of sexual desire, which I need to think about how to handle. I’m so busy right now (like I mentioned, dawn to dusk 6 days a week …) that I don’t really think I have time for dating. And although I have chemistry with some of the girls in my program, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to actively pursue anything from that, because this setting bridges an awkward line between social and professional. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. Mostly right now I’m trying to just stick it out with my libido to give my brain time to adapt to more than a week of abstinence. I must say it is a little rough, because I am feeling really intense desire every day, but I will do what I can because I know this is important.
Well that’s all for now folks… because I am so busy it will be less often than I used to, but I will try to check in when I can. Weekends are the toughest for me because that is when I have the most alone time each week, so I’ll plan to make a post each Saturday or Sunday to keep some accountability going.
All the best,
TypeN.
← Today, 09/03