Another year gone

[Pdub]

I'm back again. I'm older but not wiser, made a step forward and took a step back. Sometimes it feels like I'm living in a porn addiction Groundhog's day.

I was doing well and had over two months clean. I was over a flatline and starting to engage in actual sex again. Things were looking good. Then I slipped and found myself in a PMO rut for over a year. I knew I was not doing myself any favors, but I kept doing it. Every time I'd finish I'd tell myself I was stupid for doing it, that I needed to stop, and I felt like I was worthless.

With the new year coming up, I need to change. I know it's arbitrary when we start our journey and this isn't some "dry January" type situation for me. One thing I have learned through my multiple ups and downs is that I need community to keep going. I knew some of my triggers of boredom, loneliness, anger, and surprisingly hunger. I never connected that loneliness also extended to not having anyone to really talk to about my journey.

So here I am, like the Terminator, telling you all

I'll be back

 

[Pdub]

Right now my day counter is at 3. Baby steps.

Today I'm going to try to work out a bit in the morning, do some dishes, and later head out to see a show. That should cover most of my triggers.

 

[Pdub]

Day 4. Despite having neck pain all night I somehow got decent sleep. Woke up feeling ready to take the day on.

It's new year's eve today. I'm going to try to spend it with people I care about and get out in public.

 

[Pdub]

Day 6. I didn't check in yesterday because I was busy from the moment I got up to the moment I went to sleep. Funny how when you're not idle things start to get easier. Idle hands and all that.

I spent some time working on self study for career related stuff, met with family to talk about some investments, and reinstalled my main PC's operating system.