SoberRich
Member
Good evening! I didn't know whether I would be coming back here for this journey as social media is definitely not a healthy place for me and is one of the things I am not allowed on for my mental health, but my intuition says that if I don't write my journey here I will just go back to Reddit all over again. So hi, my name is Richard. I am a recovering alcoholic, and my most recent sobriety date for alcohol was January 21st of this year, making me 2 weeks sober. My sobriety date for porn and cyber sex addiction (although I still question whether these are true addictions) is today, my slip being yesterday. To be honest (and this journal will be completely honest), I have been in active porn and cyber addiction for years now.
I didn't use my computer or phone at all today, except to attend AA, to "open up" all of the legitimate websites I use for work, to borrow books from the library, and to stream tv. In all, I was on the computer for less than an hour and a half. I read on my kindle until our son Albie woke up at around 10:30. I have been reading "He Chose Porn Over Me" by Melinda Reist, and am almost done. It is a heartrending read and has helped me understand what I have done. Jenn (my wife) has told me everything in it, of course, but it helped to hear it from other people.
D day was yesterday. Jenn came out of the bedroom (she and I sleep in separate rooms, but not over this issue in particular, but we started it because of my snoring. We had been doing for several years, including when she and I were having regular sex.)
You know how they say that things only get worse? Well, they got worse. I went from using porn, to talking to women on sex chat rooms, to writing sex stories on Reddit, and also Reddit was one of my primary sources of porn.
Jenn has known about the account for a while now, but she didn't check it regularly until D day yesterday, and previous D days. Who knows how many hours she spent last night looking at all of the evidence.
She came out of the bedroom today at about 4:30 pm, leaving me with Albie all day. She has said little all day to me, except to confront me about using Reddit (which is one of her boundaries for staying). She said I used it at 12:50, but I thought she said am, when she said pm, and I got angry over the misunderstanding so I argued. I did use Reddit for the remainder of yesterday, even after being told to stay off that afternoon. But I only wrote a post about how I had remorse over my infidelity (which I do have), that immediately got removed and censored because apparently we don't really do that so it couldn't be genuine.
Dday was Jenn walking in on me trying to take a picture of my crotch during a chat on Reddit. I tried to hide that it was with a man because I legitimately am NOT gay (I have seen enough dick pics in chats to be 100% sure of this). I was simply THAT desperate to act out that I had a chat with a Bi man, who said he would discuss our partners, but wanted to see my dick.
I assume she has seen everything I put on Reddit now. The list of my indiscretions includes sending dick pics to women on Reddit, writing sex stories, and like I said using chat rooms.
I came to an epiphany today, my first day sober of porn and cyber addiction, and that is one of the reasons this is so addictive. There is no touch. One of the things that makes sex sex is you are touching another person. No matter how much we act out to this online garbage it will never replace actual sex with someone who loves you.
I am just glad that I was caught, and that this ended before I ever started having affairs with people physically.
The emotions are starting to come back and I am taking it slowly. It is like starting sobriety with alcohol all over, but even more so.
Jenn's boundaries for staying are that I will NEVER go back to Reddit, NEVER have any form of social media (for this obviously, but also I am vulnerable to being overwhelmed by social media in general and it is bad for my mental health), that I always be honest with her about everything.
I played outside in the backyard with Albie today most of the day. I have no delusions that Jenn's healing will happen quickly. I imagine this will be a long process.
As for my own recovery.
1. I will attend AA online every morning before work
2. I will have music on in the background, and focus on my job every day at work (I work at home)
3. I will be completely honest with Jenn to help us overcome this.
4. I will not rush her healing process.
5. I will dive deep into my zen Buddhist practice. (I feel that spirituality is the answer for me. It isn't enough to just not PMO. I have to literally RESET my mind.
6. Use this journal every day.
That is as far as I have gotten. This will be a long and winding road.
Today, in one of the few sentences she said to me today, Jenn said "do you think that I don't know people who are better looking than you?"
"No, I know that you do."
I tried to understand where this was coming from, and let in the pain that I had caused her.
I'm working to be a better husband, one day at a time.
Best,
Richard
I didn't use my computer or phone at all today, except to attend AA, to "open up" all of the legitimate websites I use for work, to borrow books from the library, and to stream tv. In all, I was on the computer for less than an hour and a half. I read on my kindle until our son Albie woke up at around 10:30. I have been reading "He Chose Porn Over Me" by Melinda Reist, and am almost done. It is a heartrending read and has helped me understand what I have done. Jenn (my wife) has told me everything in it, of course, but it helped to hear it from other people.
D day was yesterday. Jenn came out of the bedroom (she and I sleep in separate rooms, but not over this issue in particular, but we started it because of my snoring. We had been doing for several years, including when she and I were having regular sex.)
You know how they say that things only get worse? Well, they got worse. I went from using porn, to talking to women on sex chat rooms, to writing sex stories on Reddit, and also Reddit was one of my primary sources of porn.
Jenn has known about the account for a while now, but she didn't check it regularly until D day yesterday, and previous D days. Who knows how many hours she spent last night looking at all of the evidence.
She came out of the bedroom today at about 4:30 pm, leaving me with Albie all day. She has said little all day to me, except to confront me about using Reddit (which is one of her boundaries for staying). She said I used it at 12:50, but I thought she said am, when she said pm, and I got angry over the misunderstanding so I argued. I did use Reddit for the remainder of yesterday, even after being told to stay off that afternoon. But I only wrote a post about how I had remorse over my infidelity (which I do have), that immediately got removed and censored because apparently we don't really do that so it couldn't be genuine.
Dday was Jenn walking in on me trying to take a picture of my crotch during a chat on Reddit. I tried to hide that it was with a man because I legitimately am NOT gay (I have seen enough dick pics in chats to be 100% sure of this). I was simply THAT desperate to act out that I had a chat with a Bi man, who said he would discuss our partners, but wanted to see my dick.
I assume she has seen everything I put on Reddit now. The list of my indiscretions includes sending dick pics to women on Reddit, writing sex stories, and like I said using chat rooms.
I came to an epiphany today, my first day sober of porn and cyber addiction, and that is one of the reasons this is so addictive. There is no touch. One of the things that makes sex sex is you are touching another person. No matter how much we act out to this online garbage it will never replace actual sex with someone who loves you.
I am just glad that I was caught, and that this ended before I ever started having affairs with people physically.
The emotions are starting to come back and I am taking it slowly. It is like starting sobriety with alcohol all over, but even more so.
Jenn's boundaries for staying are that I will NEVER go back to Reddit, NEVER have any form of social media (for this obviously, but also I am vulnerable to being overwhelmed by social media in general and it is bad for my mental health), that I always be honest with her about everything.
I played outside in the backyard with Albie today most of the day. I have no delusions that Jenn's healing will happen quickly. I imagine this will be a long process.
As for my own recovery.
1. I will attend AA online every morning before work
2. I will have music on in the background, and focus on my job every day at work (I work at home)
3. I will be completely honest with Jenn to help us overcome this.
4. I will not rush her healing process.
5. I will dive deep into my zen Buddhist practice. (I feel that spirituality is the answer for me. It isn't enough to just not PMO. I have to literally RESET my mind.
6. Use this journal every day.
That is as far as I have gotten. This will be a long and winding road.
Today, in one of the few sentences she said to me today, Jenn said "do you think that I don't know people who are better looking than you?"
"No, I know that you do."
I tried to understand where this was coming from, and let in the pain that I had caused her.
I'm working to be a better husband, one day at a time.
Best,
Richard