Things were going so well.

[Dangermouse]

Ok, I have been clean for over year now and been working really hard on my own way to beat my addiction, but in the past month a problem arose which caused a huge problem, although it was nothing new. The problem that occured was a very old username appeared while my wife was making a new account. She instantly demanded an explanation which I gave her straight away. (The username was from back in 2022 and has been inactive since early 2023) the username was for Reddit, I am not proud I ever created it and explained all this to my wife, who instantly told me she has enough of this shit. Since then things have been getting worse between us and she is close to divorcing me, but no matter how much I prove to her that I am clean she just refuses. I have been working with a psychologist for years about this problem and he agrees that I am doing well and dealing with my issues. But how do I get my wife to see the good in me? I feel very lost and empty at the moment with my marriage, I love her so much but feel I am losing her to my past addictions. She has a lot of traumas from my addictions and she has lost all trust in me.

 

[joepanic]

Ok, I have been clean for over year now and been working really hard on my own way to beat my addiction, but in the past month a problem arose which caused a huge problem, although it was nothing new. The problem that occured was a very old username appeared while my wife was making a new account. She instantly demanded an explanation which I gave her straight away. (The username was from back in 2022 and has been inactive since early 2023) the username was for Reddit, I am not proud I ever created it and explained all this to my wife, who instantly told me she has enough of this shit. Since then things have been getting worse between us and she is close to divorcing me, but no matter how much I prove to her that I am clean she just refuses. I have been working with a psychologist for years about this problem and he agrees that I am doing well and dealing with my issues. But how do I get my wife to see the good in me? I feel very lost and empty at the moment with my marriage, I love her so much but feel I am losing her to my past addictions. She has a lot of traumas from my addictions and she has lost all trust in me.

Any chance she will visit with your psychologist? It might take a professional to help her see your changes and improvements. Has she ever saw one of her own? You also mention "things have been getting worse between us". Are you fighting about other topics such as money, time management, other habits and so on? It may not only be the fact that you were once a porn addict that is pulling you guys apart. Quite often I think some people look for the easy target in a fight when the issues lie elsewhere. The real issues than do not get solved and blame is easily cast on one person because of their weakness. Some people may never be able to get passed their anger over something. To me that in itself is a weakness but must be addressed by that person by getting their own professional help. You are a good person for working on your own life. Stay the course and move forward knowing that you're doing right.

 

[Dangermouse]

We both see a psychologist and sometimes share the same session, but lately she seems to refuse to share and for the no reason at all, it is like she has given up all of a sudden and that is very irritating. I feel she is throwing away the work we both put in and myself also.

Any chance she will visit with your psychologist? It might take a professional to help her see your changes and improvements. Has she ever saw one of her own? You also mention "things have been getting worse between us". Are you fighting about other topics such as money, time management, other habits and so on? It may not only be the fact that you were once a porn addict that is pulling you guys apart. Quite often I think some people look for the easy target in a fight when the issues lie elsewhere. The real issues than do not get solved and blame is easily cast on one person because of their weakness. Some people may never be able to get passed their anger over something. To me that in itself is a weakness but must be addressed by that person by getting their own professional help. You are a good person for working on your own life. Stay the course and move forward knowing that you're doing right.

 

[joepanic]

We both see a psychologist and sometimes share the same session, but lately she seems to refuse to share and for the no reason at all, it is like she has given up all of a sudden and that is very irritating. I feel she is throwing away the work we both put in and myself also.

"Sometimes" Not always of course, someone in a relationship will pull away for their own reasons. They may use the other persons shortcomings as an excuse because it's the easy way out. Again was their any other topics of contention over the years that may be at play here?

 

[Dangermouse]

"Sometimes" Not always of course, someone in a relationship will pull away for their own reasons. They may use the other persons shortcomings as an excuse because it's the easy way out. Again was their any other topics of contention over the years that may be at play here?

Today we both sat down and had a nice calm talk about various things, which was nice for a change since lately we have been arguing a lot over various things. It was nice. We both have a lot of work to do. Both singular and as a couple.

There are a lot of external issues at the moment which is really not helping either of our mental states, hopefully we can keep talking and trying to solve things. We have a session together next week. Hopefully with a mediator we can both talk about issues.

 

[joepanic]

Today we both sat down and had a nice calm talk about various things, which was nice for a change since lately we have been arguing a lot over various things. It was nice. We both have a lot of work to do. Both singular and as a couple.

There are a lot of external issues at the moment which is really not helping either of our mental states, hopefully we can keep talking and trying to solve things. We have a session together next week. Hopefully with a mediator we can both talk about issues.

We have gone through the same things over the years. External issues that we really didn't have much control over. required lots of understanding and talking I know the feeling. Always just keep the line of communication open

 

[Dangermouse]

As long as we keep communication open there is always hope. Thank you for the words, been helping me a lot these past days.

 

[Dangermouse]

So be going well for a few days and feeling more positive, just need to keep up the good fight and staying in good standing with my wife, helping her and proving I am the person she married.

 

[Dangermouse]

So I have been away for a few days, the reason was a very negative one, myself and wife had a huge argument over some stupid video reels that appeared on YouTube. My wife of course accused me of watching these kind of things even though I proved that I had not watched any type of sexualised content. Even my profile on YouTube showed that I had been watching videos of none sexualised content, (football, wargaming, wresting, movies, etc). The whole situation got out of hand and we ended up fighting terribly, to the bring of myself being afraid after my wife through various items around the house.

Anyway it has been a few days and things have calmed down significantly, I had a very sad and depressing day since it was remembering my late mother's birthday. Still have a lot of trauma with that one. But at least she understood and tried to each my suffering. At the moment all is ok, still a long way to go to repair the damage I have caused with my addictions, I am now seriously thinking of travelling to the UK for a break to visit my family there and get some much needed support. Just trying to organise and see if time away will help heal some wounds with my wife and myself.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I can be more active again on here now I am a little calmer and less angry.

 

[Dangermouse]

Ok, so I woke up today and happened to ask my wife what was wrong because she seemed very thinkative, her reply was "the usual, which is that she is sad about the situation we are in and that I am not doing enough or the she does not notice me doing anything to fix the problem" No matter how many groups I join or write in it does not matter because she does not see.

She even questions about me downloading a blocker which I discussed with her and she thought it was a stupid idea to do (so I never did it).

She even asked about me not making an appointment to see a psychologist, the issue with this one is is that she caused an argument last time because I had an appointment before her. (I mean come on).

Anyway I guess I just needed to write this to journal and see how difficult it is at the moment. I am trying to finish my work load so I can visit family in the UK to see if they can give me support and a break from all this negative energy at the moment. I feel really lost at the moment and very frustrated as I feel nothing is ever good enough no matter what I do.

 

[Dangermouse]

Sorry for not writing for some days.

Been having some ups and downs these past days, sometimes good, sometime bad. Today has not been such a bad day although I am getting a little irritated with the sarcastic remarks here and there from my wife, I understand what I did to her and hurt her, but everytime I feel I am heading in the correct direction with my addiction I feel the efforts I am doing is never enough.

I have really been thinking of travelling to the UK to see family and get some support there as my wife and myself are not really supporting each other properly because we end up arguing and getting into big fight, my wife tells me that she is always angry with me even when I am not doing anything other then focusing on my work.

Anyway I guess I just need to keep staying strong and moving forward. I have been very happy with myself lately and feeling more proud of myself. I need to keep writing here more often and I need to organise thoughts.

 

[Dangermouse]

So today has been an ok day, got to speak to my father and brother in the UK and have agreed to go visit for some time to cool things off here and to work on myself with some support network.

I have to ask for an opinion, what do you guys think of blockers? To stop certain searches, I have been clean but I was reading about these types of things and wanted to know what you all thought.

Another thing I am wondering about to an Accountability Partner, does anyone have or take advantage of these methods of help?

 

[Dangermouse]

Been doing well and keeping active even when I have urges or negative thoughts. I just want to feel good in myself and see the people around me realising that I am doing much better within myself and not hurting anyone that I love the most.

 

[Dangermouse]

So today started well, been working on projects so no time for any of this addiction shit.

The problem lately is that I have been getting extremely lost and emotional about family, this is why I am thinking of travelling to visit them and work on some of my issues that I have been having including these wasteful addictions to porn and sexualised images. I am fed up of feeling dirty in myself and negative and things need to be done in a supportive environment which I am not getting at the moment since I have hurt my wife so badly emotionally.

Today we ended up having a big arguement, me storming upstairs and her going out. We are talking at the moment but we are both getting very irritated with each other since we can never sit down and talk anymore due to issues. I feel my addiction has caused so much damage that it has destroyed all be built in 16 years together. This is why I need to travel to UK and fix my own shit. I just wish my wife would see the effort I am trying to achieve and give a little supportive comment once on a while instead of a sarcastic or belittling comment.

So this is my days journal entry, I am sorry it is long and I do not expect people to read it, I just need to write this down and catalogue my thoughts and progress.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Dangermouse - I relate to your situation very much. One feels one does a pat on the back or some kind of reward for tackling our problems. And the person we want the praise from is the person we most hurt. So if she’s still pissed at you, I am extremely sorry for you. It hurts you too. But very sadly you don’t have a leg to stand on. You have to suck it up and cope without her being nice to you. I know this isn’t really helping but you have to face reality. It takes time to heal. Give her space and lots of it. The trust will come back in time.

 

[Dangermouse]

Hi @Dangermouse - I relate to your situation very much. One feels one does a pat on the back or some kind of reward for tackling our problems. And the person we want the praise from is the person we most hurt. So if she’s still pissed at you, I am extremely sorry for you. It hurts you too. But very sadly you don’t have a leg to stand on. You have to suck it up and cope without her being nice to you. I know this isn’t really helping but you have to face reality. It takes time to heal. Give her space and lots of it. The trust will come back in time.

I perfectly agree, I cannot expect her to be nice to me, that would avoid the point of trying to beat the addiction and problem.

 

[Dangermouse]

So still been extremely active and in control of all temptations. Been feeling a lot better in myself along the way which make me feel so much better in myself. My wife is bearing with me a little more and we have been talking more expecially about some worries or issues that she has. I still feel like am walking on egg shells at time but it has been bearable. So so far all ok. I am still planning on travelling to the UK to work on myself very soon and to give myself and wife a space and time to reflect on things.

 

[Phineas 808]

Dangermouse, I know how that can be a real challenge when the spouse is upset (or worse) over this addiction. It's problematic, because the wife being upset is itself a 'trigger' or cue to act out.

Wishing you success in your travel to UK, and for things to cool down.

 

[Dangermouse]

Thank you so much @Phineas 808
I am going to work on a lot of things while I am in the UK. Hopefully come back a much better person since the last few years I feel like I have lost my identity as a person.

 

[Dangermouse]

So still having a lot of Ups and downs with my wife which is understandable although I feel I am always being judged or critised.

Anyway, still not organised my trip to UK since I have been helping my wife's family with appointments but hopefully in the next few day I will be booked and ready to travel.