9 YEARS PORN-FREE!

[jjacks]

That's a rather sad commentary on where our society is headed.  "Virtual masturbation"? Ouch.

Safe travels, Lyon.

 

[lyon03]

25 days until 3 years porn-free: Good day forum. I'm back home in Europe and, well, it kinda sucks. I remember when I'd come home from business trips and the kids would be crawling all over me. Now I came home to an empty apartment with stack of mail/bills. I remember coming home from a month-long summer trip years ago and my son, then around 8 years old, sprinted to see me and jumped into my arms. I miss my kids and prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness. But I still remain porn-free. I'm off to bed my friends. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[TrueMe]

Hi Lyon, thanks for creating such a helpful template of what recovery can look like. Sorry your kids weren't there to welcome you home but appreciate you sharing the not so good as well as the good parts of recovery - that loneliness sucks... but is manageable without turning to porn to cope with it. All the best, TrueMe

 

[jjacks]

Hey, Lyon,
You said:

I [...] prefer to share it here rather than start acting out because of loneliness

a strong message .. fighting addiction is a long-term battle, and this forum is the long-term go-to place to beat it.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[lyon03]

23 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! Just a quick check in on a beautiful Saturday morning. I'm still porn-free and feeling much better after my mini breakdown two days ago following my return to Europe. I hope you are all doing well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Strike a true path]

That bar scene you describe, I find that quite disturbing -how people are rejecting real, true life experience in favour of empty fantasy. Or maybe it is simply another indication of the prevalence of porn use and how it hijacks peoples natural desires.

Glad to hear you are feeling better, Lyon, and that things have gone well for you.

 

[lyon03]

21 days until 3 years porn-free: I'm now just three weeks from my goal of three years porn-free. This is nothing short of a miracle my friends. This means I've gone 1076 days without porn. When I first started my reboot, I had no idea how toxic porn was. Hell I didn't even know what dopamine was, nor that I was addicted to it. I had zero idea how much porn had contributed to my mental health issues: depression; anxiety; insomnia; and anger to name a few. That all changed around the three-week mark porn-free. Here is what I shared on day 17:

"Still feeling the physical effects of withdrawal: fitful sleep last night; low-grade headache; difficulty concentrating; legs shaking while sleeping. It's scary the neurological effects this addiction can have. I had some powerful urges to masturbate yesterday but fought them off but strangely no urges to view porn even though I spend most days working on the computer."

I remember my legs shaking me awake that night. It scared the sh*t out of me. It brought home the message that my porn addiction was real (rather than imagined), going porn-free was having a huge effect on my brain, and forever destroyed the idea that porn was harmless. 

That's all I have to share today my friends. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Lyon,
To be able to look back is to have already gone forward.
I'm so happy for your commitment to your personal cause and goals.
We have left the darkness behind us. Its only light where we're heading to.

 

[lyon03]

20 days until 3 years porn-free: The final stretch! I woke up feeling groggy today after a very late night. I'm heading back to the gym after an almost two-week hiatus due to my vacation. I hit the gym a few times when I was back in Canada but not every day as I do here at home. Chest day today. As a recovering porn, sex, and masturbation addict, I need to lead a highly-structured life otherwise I tend to fall back into bad habits. One huge part of my recovery is exercise. I got back into shape about six years ago and need my daily workouts to regulate mood, sleep, and just generally feel better. Just three years ago, my biggest exercise was death-grip fapping to pornography. Near the end of my addiction, I'd watched so much gay porn (gay being my God-given sexuality) that only vanilla straight porn could get me off. I mean I'd look on the porn-tube sites and had seen all the gay videos and I mean ALL OF THEM. My brain needed new and novel videos and I could only find it in straight porn. How f*cked up (and full circle) was that? I didn't have a very productive day yesterday but if there is anything I've learned during this process, it's that I can't change nor wallow in shame over yesterday's mistakes and missed opportunities. Today is today. So I'm off to the gym, then lunch, work, and evening rugby practice. As I may have shared in some previous posts, I suffer from a lifelong fear of contact sports and a paralysing fear of being alone. I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and am somewhat estranged from my three kids following my coming out and divorce. So I needed a new group of friends as well. Rather than do the addict/porn-thingy and wallow in my sadness/loneliness in front of my computer screen, I took action. So six months ago I joined a gay rugby team in a nearby town. This killed two birds with one stone: now I have a whole group of new gay friends while also overcoming one of my biggest fears. So while yesterday kinda sucked, today will be better. End of rant my friends! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[Strike a true path]

Good to read your latest rant
Yeah Lyon we have good days and bad, with most being a mixture. True what you say bout not getting stuck on yesterday. I too have the tendency to do post mortems and dwell on my mistakes -which I resist as it makes me feel crap, thus making the present moment an unpleasant moment too. keeping the past alive at the expense of the present.

 

[lyon03]

19 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning forum! I'm hurting after last night's rugby practice and it's heaven. As I shared in a previous post, I joined a gay rugby team about six months ago for several reasons: first, to overcome a lifelong fear of contact sports; second, to make new friends but in a PG/healthy setting; and third, to surround myself with people I look up to. For example, there is a deaf guy on the team. He's my new hero. So this guy is gay, deaf, and (in my mind) just a stupendous bad*ss. If you've read my earlier posts, when I first joined here I shared so much about being a happy gay man that it's pretty clear I was anything but a happy gay man. It's like blurting out to people: "I'm not an alcoholic."

I remember spending the weekend with some friends and some of their friends told me all I talked about was being gay which, "Clearly demonstrated that I WASN'T ok with it." That rattled me a bit but it was true. So what's my point? It's great playing rugby with a bunch of fun, athletic, completely out of the closet guys in an environment where sexuality isn't an issue whatsoever. Roughly a third of the team are straight guys which is probably the coolest thing ever. How comfortable would you have to be in your own skin to play rugby, shower, and hear a lot of d*ck/*ss jokes from a majority-gay team?

My point is that my PMO life was dominated by a lot of oiled up and surgically enhanced porn stars f*cking on camera for money. This wasn't healthy and I always knew it. These people weren't role models, but fantasy. In the depths of my porn addiction, I had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of porn stars and even porn directors. How f*cked up is that? It was like calling fellow addicts in a heroin shooting den "family." In my experience, gay men are generally a "f*ck first, think later" group not because of some moral failing, but because sex between men is pretty easy to find. And I've done my fair share of indulging but now feel ready for something better. Rugby seems to be a good fit. My point is that it feels great to be among men who are healthy, athletic, fun, respectful, and just happen to be gay. So I'm slowly learning to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me while also being role models. It feels great.

End of rant! Thanks for reading my rambles friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TrueMe]

Hey Lyon, that's really inspiring you joined up with the rugby team to face your fears and make new friends. Your post shows a ton of self awareness and I'm happy for you it's gone as well as it has - even if you have to wake up hurting for the privilege!

 

[lyon03]

18 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out TM. I'm checking in before bed. Yesterday was a write-off work wise. I was tired, in pain, and watched too much YouTube. Today was much better. Calm, serene, positive, and productive. I'm slowly counting down to three years porn-free which is nothing short of a miracle...or perhaps a miracle I worked my *ss off to make a reality. It's late and I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading friends. Love Lyon. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Counting down with you my friend.
Its more exciting than birthdays haha. Birthdays happen 3 times more often than your 1000+ days anniversary!

 

[lyon03]

16 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shout out TAN. Good day forum! I haven't posted in a few days. A lot has happened since then and I'm glad to have this forum and all of you to share. My recovery from addictions to porn, sex, and masturbation has always been rather rocky. I think it's best described as climbing a mountain: mostly huge effort followed by the occasional plateau or forgiving slope. If anyone reading this is a skier or mountain climber, there are times when the base of a mountain is in the clouds, whereas its peak is in cloudless sunshine (I think it's called "inversion"). Anyhow, this week I feel like I've broken through the clouds for perhaps the second or third time since joining this forum. This week I realized, yet again, that my addictions were born of a very deep-seeded self hatred combined with a complete lack of self-esteem. Last April, I joined a gay rugby team and didn't really understand how profoundly the team and sport would change my life. (Actually the team calls itself "hetero-friendly" as roughly half the players are straight.) At the ripe old age of 45, for some reason I decided to subject myself to intense physical punishment. And it's been more than worth it. I reckon I've been to roughly a dozen practices and yesterday night participated in my first rugby match. It was INCREDIBLE although I'm limping around my apartment today. For most of my life, I've done the same thing over and over again: I've sabotaged relationships and opportunities because I feared that I wasn't good enough. Somehow I've always felt that I didn't deserve things like love, friendship, and success. Up until recently, more often I've run from relationships and responsibilities. While I may be reading too much into this, playing rugby has been a game changer for me. While the sport is incredibly violent, everyone is very polite, respectful, and teams don't have stars. One thing that struck me is that there are no names on the jerseys, just numbers. The coach explained this is because in rugby no player is better than another. So last night I'm thinking to my self "F*CK!" as we confront an opposing team roughly twice our size. Most of the game I spent running panicked in circles because I had no idea where I should be on the field. BUT I made some strong plays, took down some guys roughly twice my size, and made a winning pass. We won the game but that didn't really matter. While I've always been active, this is perhaps the first time I've been 100% myself AND part of a team. After a match, the tradition is to take a photo with both teams combined followed by beers together. It was great and most of my teammates asked how it went, whether I was hurt, and apologized for yelling orders at me. I've been out to my friends & family for three years now. So coming off the heels of a successful trip back home with my boyfriend, I feel like I'm healing something that I didn't realize was wrong with me. And that healing is connection (something this TED talk is about: https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs). It feels like coming out of a long depression only to realize, "Wow I was depressed FOR YEARS." So that's my break through the clouds moment my friends...and I'm not surprised that both a breakthrough with my family and a new group of friends happened just weeks before I'll celebrate a three-year anniversary porn-free. I'm so humbled and grateful. And in this beautiful place there are no addictions nor self-hatred. Thanks for reading friends. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Farscape1]

Lyons03 you are the man. Congrats.

 

[TrueMe]

What a beautiful post, you are the man indeed Lyon - big congrats from me too. Got quite emotional reading your post as related so much with your journey through self hatred, low self esteem, depression and sabotaging relationships through the fear of not being good enough. So happy for you that you've made it through the clouds to a place of connection where you feel 100% yourself. Sounds like an awesome team.

Not sure where I'd be without the guys I've been playing football with every week for the last 17 years. Had watched that TED talk before but glad I re-watched it as it's such a powerful message and a reminder that my life still has a way to go before it resembles rat park instead of rat cage. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share that, makes me glad I joined the forum to feel connected and inspired like this.

 

[lyon03]

15 days until 3 years porn-free: Thanks for the shouts out TrueMe and Farscape. It's a beautiful Sunday here in Europe, I've just limped back from the gym, and I'm posting here before making myself brunch. Tomorrow marks two weeks until I reach a huge recovery milestone and I'm feeling very happy and comfortable in my reboot/recovery these days. As I shared in my last post, I agree wholeheartedly with journalist & author Johann Hari (https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs) that the true cure for addiction is connection. Reading over my many posts, I now understand that I used my addictions (to porn, sex, and masturbation) to fill a void. This void stemmed from a lack of connection with myself. Allow me to explain. Since the age of 5 or 6, I've known that I was gay and yet concealed it. I was a teenager in the late 80s and as many of you may remember, back then gay meant being like Boy George or dying from AIDS. So I hid my sexuality because I didn't want to wear makeup nor die from a horrible STD. Hiding such an integral part of myself created a dangerous disconnect with friends, family, and myself. I first started watching gay porn in the 90s as a way to safely live out my true sexuality. Unfortunately, the escape became all encompassing and I was addicted to pornography on and off for about twenty years. Porn eventually wasn't enough so I became a sex addict as well. What I now understand is that I needed my addictions as some f*cked up way of filling a void. I started healing roughly three years ago through building a connection with myself and others. Connection meant being an active part of this community, joining a 12-step program for porn addiction, coming out to myself and my family, being in a loving relationship, exercising, working, and more recently joining a gay rugby team. I never really understood what Rupaul said about, "Finding your tribe" until now. When I surround myself with happy, stable, and athletic gay men, I can't help but act like them.

Now that I've built and rebuilt positive, honest, and loving connections, I find I don't really need my addictions anymore. Here's a practical example. I masturbated 1-2x a day for almost 30 years and now I rarely think about it. Yes I still fap, but maybe 5-6 times a year. Author Richard Rohr expressed it best: "God's totally positive and lasting way of removing our shortcomings is to fill up the hole with something much better, more luminous, and more satisfying...When you learn what good food is, you are simply no longer attracted to junk food. You don't need to crusade against greasy burgers and fries, you just ignore them." That's how I feel today. On the few occasions when I've accidentally seen porn, most recently in a gay bar during my trip back home, I found it about as stimulating as watching someone vacuum.

As I feel greater connections with myself and others, my addictions are fading away. And that's a very good thing indeed my friends. Thanks for reading! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[jjacks]

Congrats, dude, we are all on this path with you.

 

[lyon03]

14 days until 3 years porn-free: Good morning RN! Thanks for the shout out JJ. I had a wonderful Sunday meeting yesterday with my 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org). Weekly meetings are the oil changes of my recovery...preventative maintenance. Unfortunately, I haven't participated in a meeting in about a month so it was great to reconnect with my recovery group. There was a passage from the reading yesterday that struck me: ?As I began to take the steps of recovery, my role in the pitiful condition of my life became clear.? This short sentence was like an electroshock because it so captured my current state of mind. I separated from my (then) wife back in December 2014, divorced in September 2015, and have slowly lost contact with my eldest son (now 15). This estrangement has been very painful for me, up until just a few months ago. So what changed? As I shared at last night's meeting, in the past I was a black-belt *sshole who constantly judged and gossiped about others. Being so judgemental was simply a projection of my own self hatred and total lack of self esteem. And I used my addictions to drug this pain. Now closing in on three years porn-free, my mindset has completely changed. When I feel myself judging others or hearing friends & family gossip about other people, I have a mantra. I think and often say: "They're just doing their best." When I adopt this mindset with myself and others, it feels better, more compassionate, more sober. Turning back to my son, I assume he's doing his best in an impossible situation...that I created. He needs time to process that his father left his mom, blew up his world, came out as gay, has a boyfriend, and so on. In this light, I think he's incredibly strong. His mother tells me he's doing well in school, playing on two high school teams, and is a good son and big brother to his younger siblings. However, only when I start to inject my addict self and broken thinking into the situation do I see it as negative or tragic. My son might be perfectly happy with it. When I assume my son is doing his best, this gives me the emotional space & compassion to understand that he's simply taking a much-needed break for himself to recover. I can't criticize him for doing exactly what I've done these past years: taking a break to recover from my own addictions. So this is where I am today my friends. Now that I've fully accepted reality, accepted that I've done my best, accepted that my son is doing his best, this allows me to then ask the more pro-active question: "What can I do today to repair my relationship with my son?" Perhaps the relationship is beyond repair but that won't stop me from texting and writing him from time to time to let him know that I love him and that I'm proud of him. I'll do that now. And I also need to tell myself that I love me and am proud of myself. End of rant! Thanks for reading friends. I wouldn't have made it this far in my recovery without having built a connection with all of you. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.