Hello. I'm a porn addict. I'm a sex addict.
I've been using porn for most of my life. I'm 44 and I started around 10. Started out like many here by finding my parents' porn. Between 10 and 16, spent every chance I had sneaking a peek. My parents figured out more than once what I was doing and had a talk with me, but I continued...just more carefully. Up until 16, the material was just magazines or books...but one night I heard my parents watching a video. I was blown away...it didn't even bother me that it was my parents! I remember faking being sick the next school day and searching throughout the house for that video...when I found it, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest!
That experience was so exhilarating, I actually altered my driver's license to make me 18 so I could rent porn from the local video store. I rented dozens of videos over the next couple of years. I tried dating girls, but I never had much luck in high school. Nobody seemed interested enough to date me...just "friends"...I felt like such a loser. When I started college at 17, my habit stopped for a while. The change in scenery and daily routine took my mind off of it. However, I still had problems getting into and keeping a relationship.
The porn started up again when I saw an ad for a place selling amateur videos. I then started my own stash of porn...the first stash of dozens over the years. I would eventually come to realize that it was not a good thing to do and I would get rid of the collection...only to start another weeks or months later. I would often times drive home each weekend, on the way purchase new material, and spend every moment I could masturbating.
The pain and frustration of only having porn and not the real thing eventually led me to seeing a prostitute. Yes, I lost my virginity to a $40 street walker. Even though the experience sickened me, I repeated this over and over again...weekend trips home now became opportunities to cruise for sex. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years on porn or sex!
The cycles continued for the next couple of years...porn and prostitutes. After college I got a great job and moved in with my friend's brother who was looking for a roommate. We lived in a nice area, but it was too close to an area were prostitution and porn was easily had. The types of porn escalated from "normal" stuff to all kinds of fetishes I never would have thought about.
I was lucky enough to finally meet a great woman. Looking back, she probably saved my life. I stopped all of the bad activities and threw out my collection. I scared myself into getting an HIV test to makes sure I was clean. When I knew we were getting serious I told her about the prostitutes (not how many though). She accepted that, but I think at the time she didn't really understand.
We fell in love. We got married. We have 2 great kids. Our sex life was ok at first (more on that later). I was happy having the real thing...for a while. Eventually I started trying to get her to try new things. I thought that was "normal" for couples to do. She went along with some of it, but I now know she was not comfortable with most of it. The internet came along around this point and greatly expanded my sexual addiction. Everything escalated so quickly...no fetish was off limits. I tried to share what I thought was a "great thing" with my wife. She was ok at first. The toys and porn were one thing, but I eventually convinced her to go to a swing club. I thought it was awesome, We didn't play with others, but just watching and being watched was an incredible rush. We went one more time but she finally said she didn't want to go anymore.
One of the things I learned about through the internet was video stores with viewing booths...and these booths had glory holes. I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't cheating. I somehow convinced myself it wasn't homosexual..after all a mouth is a mouth. Of course this eventually scared the crap out of me and led to another HIV test to make sure I was clean.
Yet the cycles still continued...sometimes just as innocent internet viewings and sometimes full weekends of nothing but porn.
My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years now. We've had many ups and downs. The downs are the worst days of my life...admitting to her about the men...admitting to her about starting to fall for a co-worker with whom I was getting too close to. We've been through many counseling sessions. The first few were around year 5, then year 10. It helped me stop what I was doing for long stretches...It "got better" for awhile, but eventually I'd be back again on the computer. During this time, my wife started using anti-anxiety medication. I'm sure my behavior didn't help, but she said that she'd been battle anxiety for a long time. The medicine helps, but the downside is that she no longer feels like having sex.
Three years ago I was going through a very difficult time with my Mom. She's been diabetic for many years and she lost both her legs because of infections. The stress was enormous...after many years of staying away from other people...I visited a place with glory holes. I didn't realize it at first, but the guy took me anally and I wasn't wearing protection. I freaked out and ran out of that place. I spent the next few days trying to figure out what the chances were for getting an STD...I was so scared! I got tested yet again. I had to tell my wife...for probably the 3rd time in our marriage...that I'd been unfaithful. We came very close to splitting up.
I got more help. This time the approach was different. The therapist I saw helped me get in touch with the feelings of all this instead of just talking about why or what of it all. He helped me understand the feelings so I could recognize them more easily. And if I can do that, I can stay away from the bad behaviors that I was using to sooth the feelings and instead choose behaviors that are more acceptable. My wife knows about the addiction now and how long I've struggled. She doesn't understand it, but she knows. And I know now that pushing her to do things she wasn't interested in was wrong for me to do. I thought I was helping, but really I was pushing her farther away.
I had a rough stretch at work last year. The stress got so bad that I went into a deep depression. I had to leave work to get help. I was out on STD for a month while I was trying various medications and therapy to help. I eventually found the right medicine. I feel great mentally, but sexually it has been another challenge.
Now both my wife and I have trouble reaching orgasm. For her it's a combination of the medication and of not wanting or needing to have sex. I'm sure the history we've had and my indiscretions doesn't help with that attitude. For me, sex feels good for a while, but I can't reach orgasm. Since starting the medication, the only orgasms I've had have been alone and with porn. Sometimes I even ejaculate before orgasm.
So here I am...on this forum writing about my messed up life. I'm now in a place were I have to accept that sex sessions with my wife will be few and far between. When they occur, they most likely will end without either one of us reaching orgasm. I no longer seek out sex with her because I know she doesn't want to. I hate thinking that when I try initiating sex that I'm in essence just using her for my pleasure, because I know (she's told me) she doesn't care for sex.
I came to this website with the hope of kicking the addiction that has been with me for 34 years. Yet, I struggle so much with knowing that porn is bad but so pleasurable..and possibly the only source of sexual pleasure in my life.
I miss the high so much. I've gone stretches of over 2 weeks of abstaining from porn and from masturbating. Then I binge on and off for a week. I can't keep doing this. I owe my wife so much more that this!!!
The funny thing is that I love her more now than ever. Like I said earlier, she saved my life...probably more than once, especially after reading this over before posting. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't want to mess up anymore and lose her forever.
If anyone reads this and can offer any encouragement, please do...I really need it right now.
Thanks, P
I've been using porn for most of my life. I'm 44 and I started around 10. Started out like many here by finding my parents' porn. Between 10 and 16, spent every chance I had sneaking a peek. My parents figured out more than once what I was doing and had a talk with me, but I continued...just more carefully. Up until 16, the material was just magazines or books...but one night I heard my parents watching a video. I was blown away...it didn't even bother me that it was my parents! I remember faking being sick the next school day and searching throughout the house for that video...when I found it, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest!
That experience was so exhilarating, I actually altered my driver's license to make me 18 so I could rent porn from the local video store. I rented dozens of videos over the next couple of years. I tried dating girls, but I never had much luck in high school. Nobody seemed interested enough to date me...just "friends"...I felt like such a loser. When I started college at 17, my habit stopped for a while. The change in scenery and daily routine took my mind off of it. However, I still had problems getting into and keeping a relationship.
The porn started up again when I saw an ad for a place selling amateur videos. I then started my own stash of porn...the first stash of dozens over the years. I would eventually come to realize that it was not a good thing to do and I would get rid of the collection...only to start another weeks or months later. I would often times drive home each weekend, on the way purchase new material, and spend every moment I could masturbating.
The pain and frustration of only having porn and not the real thing eventually led me to seeing a prostitute. Yes, I lost my virginity to a $40 street walker. Even though the experience sickened me, I repeated this over and over again...weekend trips home now became opportunities to cruise for sex. I have spent thousands of dollars over the years on porn or sex!
The cycles continued for the next couple of years...porn and prostitutes. After college I got a great job and moved in with my friend's brother who was looking for a roommate. We lived in a nice area, but it was too close to an area were prostitution and porn was easily had. The types of porn escalated from "normal" stuff to all kinds of fetishes I never would have thought about.
I was lucky enough to finally meet a great woman. Looking back, she probably saved my life. I stopped all of the bad activities and threw out my collection. I scared myself into getting an HIV test to makes sure I was clean. When I knew we were getting serious I told her about the prostitutes (not how many though). She accepted that, but I think at the time she didn't really understand.
We fell in love. We got married. We have 2 great kids. Our sex life was ok at first (more on that later). I was happy having the real thing...for a while. Eventually I started trying to get her to try new things. I thought that was "normal" for couples to do. She went along with some of it, but I now know she was not comfortable with most of it. The internet came along around this point and greatly expanded my sexual addiction. Everything escalated so quickly...no fetish was off limits. I tried to share what I thought was a "great thing" with my wife. She was ok at first. The toys and porn were one thing, but I eventually convinced her to go to a swing club. I thought it was awesome, We didn't play with others, but just watching and being watched was an incredible rush. We went one more time but she finally said she didn't want to go anymore.
One of the things I learned about through the internet was video stores with viewing booths...and these booths had glory holes. I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't cheating. I somehow convinced myself it wasn't homosexual..after all a mouth is a mouth. Of course this eventually scared the crap out of me and led to another HIV test to make sure I was clean.
Yet the cycles still continued...sometimes just as innocent internet viewings and sometimes full weekends of nothing but porn.
My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years now. We've had many ups and downs. The downs are the worst days of my life...admitting to her about the men...admitting to her about starting to fall for a co-worker with whom I was getting too close to. We've been through many counseling sessions. The first few were around year 5, then year 10. It helped me stop what I was doing for long stretches...It "got better" for awhile, but eventually I'd be back again on the computer. During this time, my wife started using anti-anxiety medication. I'm sure my behavior didn't help, but she said that she'd been battle anxiety for a long time. The medicine helps, but the downside is that she no longer feels like having sex.
Three years ago I was going through a very difficult time with my Mom. She's been diabetic for many years and she lost both her legs because of infections. The stress was enormous...after many years of staying away from other people...I visited a place with glory holes. I didn't realize it at first, but the guy took me anally and I wasn't wearing protection. I freaked out and ran out of that place. I spent the next few days trying to figure out what the chances were for getting an STD...I was so scared! I got tested yet again. I had to tell my wife...for probably the 3rd time in our marriage...that I'd been unfaithful. We came very close to splitting up.
I got more help. This time the approach was different. The therapist I saw helped me get in touch with the feelings of all this instead of just talking about why or what of it all. He helped me understand the feelings so I could recognize them more easily. And if I can do that, I can stay away from the bad behaviors that I was using to sooth the feelings and instead choose behaviors that are more acceptable. My wife knows about the addiction now and how long I've struggled. She doesn't understand it, but she knows. And I know now that pushing her to do things she wasn't interested in was wrong for me to do. I thought I was helping, but really I was pushing her farther away.
I had a rough stretch at work last year. The stress got so bad that I went into a deep depression. I had to leave work to get help. I was out on STD for a month while I was trying various medications and therapy to help. I eventually found the right medicine. I feel great mentally, but sexually it has been another challenge.
Now both my wife and I have trouble reaching orgasm. For her it's a combination of the medication and of not wanting or needing to have sex. I'm sure the history we've had and my indiscretions doesn't help with that attitude. For me, sex feels good for a while, but I can't reach orgasm. Since starting the medication, the only orgasms I've had have been alone and with porn. Sometimes I even ejaculate before orgasm.
So here I am...on this forum writing about my messed up life. I'm now in a place were I have to accept that sex sessions with my wife will be few and far between. When they occur, they most likely will end without either one of us reaching orgasm. I no longer seek out sex with her because I know she doesn't want to. I hate thinking that when I try initiating sex that I'm in essence just using her for my pleasure, because I know (she's told me) she doesn't care for sex.
I came to this website with the hope of kicking the addiction that has been with me for 34 years. Yet, I struggle so much with knowing that porn is bad but so pleasurable..and possibly the only source of sexual pleasure in my life.
I miss the high so much. I've gone stretches of over 2 weeks of abstaining from porn and from masturbating. Then I binge on and off for a week. I can't keep doing this. I owe my wife so much more that this!!!
The funny thing is that I love her more now than ever. Like I said earlier, she saved my life...probably more than once, especially after reading this over before posting. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't want to mess up anymore and lose her forever.
If anyone reads this and can offer any encouragement, please do...I really need it right now.
Thanks, P