texting pics?

[enablerblue]

Hello
My husband and I have separated due to PMO and the destruction it/lying has caused in our relationship. I am not sure if we will be able to recover.
We have some good days.
He asks me to text him pics of myself for him to M to. He says he is not looking at P anymore. I believe him, but I think he is fooling himself into thinking M to my pics and not P is helping him rewire.
I'm confused as to weather this is a good idea or not during his reboot. He rarely has any physical contact with me, in person. We have had sex a few times since, and he has difficulty keeping an erection.
Am I just replacing P by sending him pics of myself? It seems like it is still artificial stimulation. He can O no problem with my pics, yet still has trouble while with me.

I feel like I'm being conned again. He is just replacing pics of many girls, with pics of me. When he is with me he still can't perform.
This is all so confusing.

 

[Promise]

I wouldn't say it sounds like he's conning you, but I'd say pictures are porn.  Even if they're of people you know, it mimics porn, it is porn, it strengthens the pathways of porn addiction.  I've had girls send me pictures in the past, and I'd be more interested in the pictures than the person, more interested in getting pictures and naughty webcam shows than actually going and spending time with them.  It's really no substitute for intimacy, training your brain to get off on pictures instead of human connection.

I recommend you don't send him those pictures.  Is he on this forum?  Send him our way and tell him to start a journal.

I feel for you, enablerblue, it's not a nice position to be in as an SO, I'd imagine he's sincerely told you it's not about you, it's his problem, but it's hard to draw comfort from that.  Speaking from the other side, addiction is insidious, and can make us neglect the people we care about, even when we acknowledge how much we care about them, and how they deserve better.  I don't mean to make excuses, it's a conscious thing we do, but it can be so difficult.

I'd like to reiterate, if he's not on here, get him on here.  Get him to visit www.yourbrainonporn.com so he knows what's going on in his brain, and why he's not capable of 'performing'.  I've read accounts from many men on here whose relationship improves manyfold after quitting porn.  Affection, dedication, libido, emotional connection etc.  I recommend you read it too, maybe go on the journey with him.  I sincerely wish you and your husband luck.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ enablerblue

I think he is fooling himself into thinking M to my pics and not P is helping him rewire.

Wiring your arousal to pixels is what he needs to avoid. I'd advise you to NOT send him nudes and spend time with him in person.

Read my post here - http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2066.0

 

[Promise]

Cheers, challenged!  Yes, we're a lovely bunch of coconuts!

I'd like to briefly expand on why I don't think he's 'conning' you.  I could be wrong, obviously, but we're capable of some stunning mental acrobatics to rationalise porn use.  It's not nice to talk about him in his absence, but I'm gonna!  He's probably told himself that it's okay to do it to pictures if they're of you, because you're the one he wants to be with, and, if anything, it's healthy for your relationship, because he's getting off to you! (I don't believe it is health or okay, for the reasons mentioned in my other post!

The problem with having these big pesky rational brains is that we have 1000 ways of rationalising our own harmful habits.  Just this once, you've earned it, it'll make you feel better etc!

I'd advise sending him nudes and spend time with him in person.

Did you mean to say you'd advise sending him nudes?  Sounds counter-productive to me  ;D

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Promise

Did you mean to say you'd advise sending him nudes?  Sounds counter-productive to me  

Lol sure didn't... my bad. I edited it. Sending pixels for a guy to unwire from pixels should be avoided.

 

[enablerblue]

Thank you for your replies. Yes, it is difficult being the SO of someone who is addicted to PMO, among other things. This forum and the people that struggle to overcome their addiction is a huge help to me with my personal recovery.
I don't believe there is much hope for my husband and I, I have accepted this.
Interestingly enough, this forum was recommended to him by a trusted friend who has had success himself. He scrolled through here once, and hasn't been back. I have been reading feverishly. It helps me to see people putting in the work to identify what they are triggered by, and doing their best to abstain from and talk about it. It gives me hope.
He is not taking this seriously, he is one that believes he is in control of his own recovery. Which has not worked for him in the past with other addictions. This is why I questioned sending him pictures of me. He swore that it was OK because it was me, and my body that was turning him on. I didn't feel right about it. It felt like a substitute. More so when his requests became very specific in what he wanted to see and didn't want to see. Then he couldn't have sex with me in the flesh. Clearly my ACTUAL body is not what was turning him on.
The whole thing is a disaster and I am ashamed that I have held on this long.

I'm not here to bash him, I understand this is his cross to bear. Not mine.

I will continue reading and commenting where I can offer help. Dating in a porn filled culture doesn't look very promising either.

Best of luck to everyone.

 

[Mbg]

I'm glad to see you have a firm grasp on your husbands problem and are aware of his denial.  I'm sorry for the hurt his addiction has caused you, I have caused my own wife pain in my addiction.  You said something that was very precise, "he still believes he is in control of his problem".  This is very indicative of someone in denial.  He is blinded by the power of his addiction.  I myself was well aware of the consequences of my behavior but, in my addiction, these consequences failed to deter me from stopping.  I truly was powerless.  When I admitted this powerless, as well as the unmanageability of my life, I began the path to recovery.  It will be important for you to concentrate on yourself and your own recovery.  The only person that can fix your husband is your husband.  Offer him the tools to recovery and do not enable his addiction or you run the risk of becoming a coaddict.  I suggest looking into COSA, a 12 step group for dependents of sex addicts, for yourself.  Ask your husband to go to SAA.org and do te self-evaluation.  Sex Addicts Anonymous has been my primary tool to recovery.  I hope the best for you. 

 

[Fappy]

Yeah the naked pics would just add fuel to the fap.
I was in a similar position. I had pics of my wife that i could thrash myself to all day long, and i did. But when it came time to have sexual relations with her i couldnt get it up. It just hung there like a chewed salami.
Hes curable. Just takes time