Slowly realising I have a problem...

[ErictheBread]

Hello folks - this is my first post. I've had a slightly different experience to many on here, but I think the roots of the problem are exactly the same. I'm 33, have been using porn for most of my adult life, off and on. I'm sort of a serial monogamist, currently single but I came out of a relationship a few months ago. That relationship, the sex was great, but almost every other relation in my life I've had occasional to frequent problems with ED; I never connected this to porn use, but having just devoured the ebook from yourbrainonporn I'm starting to realise those times of difficulty go along with pretty high porn use.

To tell the truth, I've never considered that I had a problem with porn. I never graduated to harder or more extreme versions, in fact quite the opposite - I've only been interested with finding the highest quality, the most perfect women, the best lighting etc. Again, I think this is the same impulse expressed in a different way, and I've certainly noticed that I get bored with the same women and need novelty. Also, I'm very much a hoarder - in the last 10 years-ish I've somehow managed to amass almost 1500 films through many periods of quite obsessive downloading. In fact, I sometimes feel the downloading / collecting has been more important than watching.

So, after a mini-epiphany when I realised I would probably be better banishing porn from my life altogether (at least for a good few months) I'm coming to the end of my first week of a hard reboot, no porn and no masturbation. I've honestly no idea if this is going to affect me in big ways, but I'd like to see what positive effects come from it. I've noticed the dreaded flatline for a while, but already I'm starting to have more natural fantasies involving real women (or at least not porn-based scenarios) - and I'd forgotten how much better it is to create these images with your mind instead of finding them on a screen. Last night I had a headache that pretty much lasted the whole night and woke feeling like I had a hangover; not sure if this is related, but it's not my favourite feeling.

I confess, I've deleted all porn from my laptop but it's still sitting there on my external hard drive. My original idea was to make sure I only watch one or two scenes at most in a session in order to focus on the intimacy more, but from reading other people's tales I think this is kind of a stupid a half-measure. I'd like to think that once I get through a few months porn-free I could use my collection as I try to use drugs - little and and occasionally - but if this fails I guess I'll have to take the step to delete it all. I know, procrastination.

If you've got this far in my confession, thankyou. I'm curious to hear any thoughts / advice...

E

 

[CrateDane]

Personally I have deleted everything I had even the stuff I know will be almost impossible to find again and thrown out the dvds I had as well. It's a little painful realising how much money I spent on it over the years and now its all just gone but I feel it has to be done, you are very vulnerable if you have it close by and I don't trust myself enough
Good luck with the reboot.

 

[ErictheBread]

Hey, thanks for the reply.

Yeah, there's a a part of me that says I'm just kidding myself about keeping the collection, and I guess it wouldn't be a good idea for someone who's experiencing compulsive urges to watch in the early stages. But - I haven't dipped into it yet, and I've made a deal with myself - if I break that cycle even once in the next 3 months, I delete everything. As I said, I believe it's possible for me to be an occasional user, so if that gives me a motivation not to watch now or anytime soon. I think I'm going to call this the Nuclear Porn Threat, as it kind of reminds me of the 'launch first and the whole world gets deleted' part of nuclear deterrence (which seems pretty appropriate).

I'll let you guys know if it works...

 

[Mbg]

Hi Eric,

Welcome to the forum.  Congratulations on signing on and coming to grips with the idea that you have a problem.  That's the hardest part to recovery.  I highly recommend completely abadoning porn altogether.  From the stories I hear, as well as in my experience, limited porn use will only lead to excessive porn use.  Just like an alcoholic, I had to admit to myself tht I could not control my addiction, but rather it controlled me.  When I attempted to control my addiction all I found myself doing was breaking promises to myself.  I would tell myself, "ok no more... Just this one time then I'm done".  5 times later the guilt and shame I felt for breaking promises to myself was unbearable.  I came to a realization that I could not manage this on my own and turned my will and life over to a 12 step program, Sex Addicts Anonymous.  This was my experience and all I can do is offer what has worked for me. 

 

[ErictheBread]

Thanks mbg, I definitely see the logic in what you say. There's a part of me that knows it isn't the best idea to keep a bucketload of porn close by, but if it's working... I read somewhere about idea of opening up tabs of porn just to exercise self-control over not watching it; to me this seems close to what I have, which is a test I'm passing right now. Every day my hard drive sits there untouched, I feel stronger to know that I can resist the temptation. It's not a solution for everyone, but until it breaks down for me I'm sticking with it.

My first real test last night, getting a little drunk and high for the first time into my reboot, and I wasn't even tempted to go near it. It was like there's a door in my brain that's determined to stay shut. I could feel the creature on the other side, of course, but - if I'm going to continue this tired metaphor a little longer (hungover, sorry) - the lock was sound.

I did allow myself some pleasure, and I have to say it's amazing how the brain tries to trick you. I was imagining healthy foreplay, sometimes with anonymous faces and sometimes with ex-girlfriends, but they twisted so easily into the faces and bodies of favourite porn stars... but I persevered with natural fantasies / memories and it was really worth it.

 

[Mbg]

You know, I've been sort of allowing myself fantasize recently too, more than I am comfortable with.  I feel if I cannot get a handle on it soon, my goal of sobriety will be compromised. I strongly believe that porn/sex addicts use fantasy as a means to escape from reality, this is more or less true I'd say for all people, addict or not.  I'm beginning to see (and learn from my sponsor) that when I'm in fantasy, I am neglecting something in my life that is bothering me.  I feel like my decision to go off Zoloft cold turkey (not a healthy decision) has left me in a weakened state of withdrawal and I'm vexed on what to do.  Do I get back on?  Or do I tough it out for maybe another week of withdrawals?  For me to get back on track, I need to address this problem. 

I strongly urge you to ask yourself why you are holding onto your porn collection.  For me, if I try to test my addict within, it is very likely my addict will win, not always, but why even run the risk?  I also encourage you to look at the events in your life and ask yourself if there is something bothering you that you aren't attending to.  The fantasies, with real people or with porn stars, can become equally as problematic as porn during a reboot.  Fantasizing is just another way to run from a problem.  Best of luck to you in your reboot.

 

[ErictheBread]

Yes, the fantasy thing - it's my feeling that allowing yourself to imagine real sex (or at least realistic sex) with intimacy and yourself involved (not a passive spectator) is a healthy expression of sexuality. It could be that this is detrimental to me during a reboot and I don't know it, but I know that everyone is different in what they can cope with.

It sounds like you're going through a rough time coming off the Zoloft, I hope it gets better for you. Are you keeping to a structure in your life that gives you some balance? Allowing time for creativity, exercise and all that good stuff?

The Collection: I view porn as a drug. It physically rewires neural pathways and can lead us into addictive spirals that are difficult to control and is thus best treated with caution. However, I'm not against drugs per se, just in excess. So the theory is that once I'm clean for a good few months I'll be able to use it occasionally; I've had some fun times watching a video with ex-girlfriends, and I wouldn't necessarily deny myself that again. I also don't have a particularly addictive personality; that is, while I'm aware I can binge on certain things, I don't find it too difficult to stop once I know it's doing me harm.

Now while the above sentences are entirely true, I'm aware there's an element of rationalisation here, that I'm justifying holding onto something I value by finding excuses that work for me. But - and here's the kicker - if they do work for me (and I'm not trying to advocate the idea for anyone else), I'm ok with that. Like I said, the moment I give in to that weakness, it's out the door.

 

[Mbg]

I have been really focusing more on reaching out and talking about my struggles, rather than bottling them up and turning inward.  I have worked some on art but it's actually difficult to look at a canvas with these endless migraines.  I made the decision last night to get back on the Zoloft for now.  If I feel I need to come off later, I will first talk with my doctor. 

Recovery is a journey different to us all.  I agree, what may work for some may not work for others.  I approach porn/sex addiction the same way I approach substance addiction.  I've never met a heroin addict that can be a part time user.  In other words, they can simply use heroin less frequently without eventually using it excessively.  To me, addiction is an incurable disease.  It doesn't ever go away.  I though very much the same way you are thinking now.  I thought I could get to a point where I could develop a healthy sexuality that included infrequent porn use.  When I would tell myself, "just this once..." Or rationalized it to myself in other ways I would always feel guilty and ashamed when I broke these promises.  This guilt and shame usually lead to more porn use, as a means to cope with the anxiety. 

I'm not telling you this as a way to judge you or tell you that you are recovering "the wrong way".  Recovery is different for all of us.  I am just sharing with you my experience, perhaps you may see commonalities in my story as I did in reading your story.