Hey There Tommy,
Welcome to the Nation.
I am 45, married to an incredible woman and have two wonderful kids. My wife had her DDay on the 31st of December 2013 - I blew up her world - this wasn't the first time she had caught me either. I had spent the past decade lying right to my wife's face, and betraying her trust in me. I have spent almost the past year trying to reconcile what exactly it was that I had become, and how could I do this to my wife, to my family. I dealt with suicidal thoughts, the shame being too much to shoulder. How could I not figure this out on my own and not save my wife the pain and horror that her husband had become?
One of the things that Lyon shared - you do need to forgive yourself. This has been terribly difficult for me, I am not there yet but getting a little closer. How I could let this happen? This is a slow process, but critical. I don't think you can be successful at beating this and help to heal your relationship unless you can start to forgive yourself.
You also hit the mark in one of your last posts - who knows how bad or how far we would have gone if not for getting caught. What else would we have been capable of doing if this addiction had gone unchecked? Yes I caused my wife unimaginable pain and horror, but the reality of it is she probably saved my life (and our family) - in many ways. For all I was doing to her, she has saved me. More than I deserve, to be sure.
My wife has continued to find her strength to support me. And from your posts, it seems that you too have been given that same gift. I have vowed never to give my wife any reason to regret that decision - not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
I know I am rambling on here a bit but I guess I am trying to make a longwinded point. We as addicts, at times, tend to forget what our significant others are forced to deal with. For whatever the reason, we have thrust our SO into a situation they did not ask for. You and I can work on our addictions, but for them remember - they more than likely thought the relationship was in a good place. We, or at least I did, wrecked their world for very very selfish reasons. And yet, this morning I was able to wake up next to her, and kiss her good bye.
As we try to earn trust back, as we try to salvage what is left in the embers, we have to understand and be mindful that WE need to be patient with our SO's. They are struggling to cope with a fear they have never known, confidence is shattered, and due to pain caused by who they thought was their best friend. They are struggling to find a way to heal. We need to care for them, we need to understand that they will have questions - and they deserve answers, we need to know that this morning everything can be fine and then tonite maybe not so much. This process will take time - a long time - but we need to be there for them 10 times more than they are there for us.
When I think of the time I wasted on my children - now they are getting older. Hanging out with dad isn't high on thier list. Wasted time, wasted opportunities.
Also, I wanted to reach out to both of you to let you know that there are successes out there. When my wife and I started really researching this addiction, we came across a number of these sites and it was incredibly disheartening. The odds were against us, I would fail again - or so it seemed that way so long ago. I know that we are all different, that we all have our own demons, and we are all struggling to find our way free from the darkness. I truly believe that we all have the strength within us to be better men, husbands, and fathers. Even though i am closing in on one year free from PMO - and have no intention of ever going back - I must not forget that I am an addict, and if it lured me in before, it can again.
We can defeat that lure by filling our lives with healthy, positive emotions and activities. For example, I started cooking with my wife, its quality time together, working on something for the family - not a selfish activity. I am reading, concentrating on my career - my life has started to fill with wonderfully positive things, the fog is gone - there is no room for any of that crap. I don't miss it, I don't think about it, I DO NOT WANT IT! I do believe that each of us can get there - not overnight - it will take time. We need to stay present, we need to stay engaged. My wife and I are in a better place today then we were 11 months ago, but we still have a long way to go. It will take as long as it takes - I am in love with her, and I will help her to be whole again - no matter how long it takes.
I love the idea of your manifesto - that seems like a great way to talk about the issue with your wife. The fact that she is listening is a gift my friend - I hope you can see it that way. Also, as you move toward forgiving yourself (and like I said - I see this and struggle to accept it still) the fact that she listening to you today is an idication that she still sees something inside you worth saving.
Reach out whenever and whereever you can. Read and research all you can find. You need to be prepared today to deal with triggers and urges, you cannot wait until you are faced with them. You need a plan in place. Journal/blog here and elsewhere - this site has helped me greatly. Continue to find healthy activities, positive family activities.
We are all here to help, to encourage, to lend a shoulder to cry on - you are here because you want to be a better man, a better husband, a better father. You can do this.
Much love to you and your wife Tommy, feel the Nation with you, feel the strength within you.
SMS