Tommy's Journal

[Leon]

Hi Tommy, welcome back!

I'm sorry for your continued struggle. My answer will sound very simplistic (like Zen, right?), but it is the very key you and I use to turn the door of freedom from our sexual bad habits:

Don't give in to urges.

There it was, that's it. The less we give in, the less the urges will have a pull on us. The only reason why this thing is still in one's life is because they still give in to urges, that's it. It's not some jacked up childhood (though I've had mine), it's not some horrible trauma (though I've been there as well). It's simply that we've found something that feels good that we use to artificially alter our emotional state when we're not feeling normal, or not feeling equanimous. The brain, the mind, it finds this place of equanimity on it's own if we let it- instead, we're habituated to finding that place quickly, artificially- and drugs, oops, I mean porn (softcore, etc...) and masturbation are a quick fix to escape.

But, this is where we gotta get all stoic. This is why 90 days is a big deal. If we can increase our time more and more to where we can go 90 or more days without responding to and/or acting on the urges, we'll begin to retrain our brain away from unwanted sexual habits.

Thank you for your offer to reach out to our journals of mutual support, too. Mine currently is locked (and buried maybe 5 pages back), but engaging may help you focus- but focus without obsessing. You got this, man.

 

[Dharmabum]

Thanks, Jjacks and Leon.  You're both on the nose here with your comments.  JJacks, my wife's libido does seem to be down, which on one hand gives me a bit of space to deal with my anxieties around not being a good sex partner, but also means I get anxious when we go too long because I feel we are disconnecting.  Thankfully, we're doing very well right now, but we don't talk about sex.  It seems when we talk about it, things get worse, so we don't talk, we just find our way into sex when it feels mutually right.  But this is a new chapter, so we'll see how things take shape.

As for resisting urges, Leon, you're right.  I just came here in lieu of giving into an urge.  I see the urges (sometimes hourly, sometimes less often) and I'm aware enough to make a choice - give in to temptation or choose something different.  Today, I've opted for different/better choices.  It really is one day, one hour, one decision at a time.  I hope to keep making better choices.  I do believe that getting my head out of fantasy world will make a powerful difference. 

Thanks everyone - good to be back!