Hello all!
I'm hoping that this forum will give me help in my struggle with stopping porn and in learning to have a balanced love life.
My entire life has been about porn. In a nutshell I am a working professional, 32 years old, said to be handsome. I had girlfriends from time to time, although porn has always been stronger. I recently met a girl who is beyond special, and she has been driving me crazy every moment... everything is about her now. This is the point where I realized that something is really messed up. And I would do anything not to lose her. I'll write down all my thoughts... helps to see more clearly.
My parents gave me a tough time. They demonstrated support all the time, they gave us everything they could. On the other end, they hated each other, and we had to see them fight all the time. They had no clue how to care, to support emotionally; it was really messed up. In social environments I was struggling to get rid of the patterns I learnt at home, even in my mid twenties.
My father even molested me. Grabbing my junk while in the shower, surprised by touching while being half asleep, etc. It was so confusing I had no idea.
I already had many mental problems developed by the age of 14, when I first saw porn. I was very much of an introvert, with depression, anxiety and learned helplessness. Porn became a regular habit quickly, a hobby, and it allowed me to release stress.
First I saw magazines, video tapes, then in a few years the online content arrived. I developed my little world, I watched about an hour of porn per day, and masturbated to let it go. I had my favorite scenes, actresses, positions by the age of 16; while I was so scared of people that I didn't really have anyone close to me. This was my second world, where I was left in peace. We developed a relationship so strong that nothing could break it.
I looked terrible, had overweight, was completely alone. So many things were wrong that I didn't really have an idea of what is going on. At a point somehow I decided to go to therapy, and started to open up at around 23. My results were getting worse at university, and even dropped out for a year, did nothing. My porn addiction became even stronger. There was nothing but my favorite movie collection.
Out of curiosity I posted on dating sites, and met girls from time to time. First date at the age of 22. Although I wasn't really interested in having sex with anyone... porn was better. Even if we tried, ED came and was making me feel worse, and the relationship ended after some time. If I tried, it was a huge failure and misery. I decided not to even try with real girls.
Somehow I got a good job after finishing university and started to travel (age 26). Got some money, and the world opened up. Porn was still going on, but somehow I ended up with a girl. ED all the time. First time I acknowledged the problem, went to a hospital for a checkup... nothing found, they gave me viagra. Long story short, I had attachment issues, and we broke up. Back to happy porn times.
There were some other girls, but the result was all the same. Back to porn. As expected, I started consuming different topics, and my interest became more 'diverse'. Some of them even started to scare me. This was going on for multiple years.
Two years ago (age 30) I found YBOP and was shocked, read all the articles available- I decided to do a reboot. It took me about 6 months until I convinced myself to start; never managed to get through 3-4 days before.
I did 3 months when I met a girl on a dating site. It was life changing. Things were working on an acceptable level, we had great fun for a few months. Following the separation I returned to porn immediately. After half a year I convinced myself again, but didn't really work... I ended up watching soft stuff, images, I tried to keep the stimulation as low as possible. In the end, nothing changed, back to porn.
Three months ago I met a girl, and she is special. I feel confident with her, and she supports me. At this moment she is the most important in my life. I love her and would do anything to be with her. She is a couple of years younger, we work in the same field, and we really complement each other. I can feel open with her, we have no secrets except this, we share similar interests, taste, lifestyle, etc. She just changed my life.
I am afraid to tell her anything... Most of the time I have been having the worst flatline ever. We had successful sex a very few times, and the many failures are building up a lot of stress. She has no idea why all this happens, and has varied reactions to it. Even if I get an erection, it is not good enough, and lasts a short time. I feel that she really wants me, and this must work. I don't know what to do. I tried different kinds of pills- even with cialis many times I had no luck. It feels numb, like there is no stimulation down there at all, even though I really want her.
I decreased my consumtion as much as I could, although soft content is still there. My addiction is too strong, I can't deal with it, there is no stop. I can manage with pictures only, but there must be something. I feel like I am cheating on her, and there's nothing I can do. The helplessness is still there...
I feel that my relationship with porn is just too strong to overcome and I don't even know how to approach this. She gives me hope in a better life. I want to do this more like anything else, but I am afraid that she will leave me if things don't work out over time. She is still patient, but it will not last forever... I want to be with her like nothing else in this world. This is where I am today.
I would like to say thanks to anyone who read my post. I am happy to elaborate, and would be more than excited to receive any comments or recommendations!
I'm hoping that this forum will give me help in my struggle with stopping porn and in learning to have a balanced love life.
My entire life has been about porn. In a nutshell I am a working professional, 32 years old, said to be handsome. I had girlfriends from time to time, although porn has always been stronger. I recently met a girl who is beyond special, and she has been driving me crazy every moment... everything is about her now. This is the point where I realized that something is really messed up. And I would do anything not to lose her. I'll write down all my thoughts... helps to see more clearly.
My parents gave me a tough time. They demonstrated support all the time, they gave us everything they could. On the other end, they hated each other, and we had to see them fight all the time. They had no clue how to care, to support emotionally; it was really messed up. In social environments I was struggling to get rid of the patterns I learnt at home, even in my mid twenties.
My father even molested me. Grabbing my junk while in the shower, surprised by touching while being half asleep, etc. It was so confusing I had no idea.
I already had many mental problems developed by the age of 14, when I first saw porn. I was very much of an introvert, with depression, anxiety and learned helplessness. Porn became a regular habit quickly, a hobby, and it allowed me to release stress.
First I saw magazines, video tapes, then in a few years the online content arrived. I developed my little world, I watched about an hour of porn per day, and masturbated to let it go. I had my favorite scenes, actresses, positions by the age of 16; while I was so scared of people that I didn't really have anyone close to me. This was my second world, where I was left in peace. We developed a relationship so strong that nothing could break it.
I looked terrible, had overweight, was completely alone. So many things were wrong that I didn't really have an idea of what is going on. At a point somehow I decided to go to therapy, and started to open up at around 23. My results were getting worse at university, and even dropped out for a year, did nothing. My porn addiction became even stronger. There was nothing but my favorite movie collection.
Out of curiosity I posted on dating sites, and met girls from time to time. First date at the age of 22. Although I wasn't really interested in having sex with anyone... porn was better. Even if we tried, ED came and was making me feel worse, and the relationship ended after some time. If I tried, it was a huge failure and misery. I decided not to even try with real girls.
Somehow I got a good job after finishing university and started to travel (age 26). Got some money, and the world opened up. Porn was still going on, but somehow I ended up with a girl. ED all the time. First time I acknowledged the problem, went to a hospital for a checkup... nothing found, they gave me viagra. Long story short, I had attachment issues, and we broke up. Back to happy porn times.
There were some other girls, but the result was all the same. Back to porn. As expected, I started consuming different topics, and my interest became more 'diverse'. Some of them even started to scare me. This was going on for multiple years.
Two years ago (age 30) I found YBOP and was shocked, read all the articles available- I decided to do a reboot. It took me about 6 months until I convinced myself to start; never managed to get through 3-4 days before.
I did 3 months when I met a girl on a dating site. It was life changing. Things were working on an acceptable level, we had great fun for a few months. Following the separation I returned to porn immediately. After half a year I convinced myself again, but didn't really work... I ended up watching soft stuff, images, I tried to keep the stimulation as low as possible. In the end, nothing changed, back to porn.
Three months ago I met a girl, and she is special. I feel confident with her, and she supports me. At this moment she is the most important in my life. I love her and would do anything to be with her. She is a couple of years younger, we work in the same field, and we really complement each other. I can feel open with her, we have no secrets except this, we share similar interests, taste, lifestyle, etc. She just changed my life.
I am afraid to tell her anything... Most of the time I have been having the worst flatline ever. We had successful sex a very few times, and the many failures are building up a lot of stress. She has no idea why all this happens, and has varied reactions to it. Even if I get an erection, it is not good enough, and lasts a short time. I feel that she really wants me, and this must work. I don't know what to do. I tried different kinds of pills- even with cialis many times I had no luck. It feels numb, like there is no stimulation down there at all, even though I really want her.
I decreased my consumtion as much as I could, although soft content is still there. My addiction is too strong, I can't deal with it, there is no stop. I can manage with pictures only, but there must be something. I feel like I am cheating on her, and there's nothing I can do. The helplessness is still there...
I feel that my relationship with porn is just too strong to overcome and I don't even know how to approach this. She gives me hope in a better life. I want to do this more like anything else, but I am afraid that she will leave me if things don't work out over time. She is still patient, but it will not last forever... I want to be with her like nothing else in this world. This is where I am today.
I would like to say thanks to anyone who read my post. I am happy to elaborate, and would be more than excited to receive any comments or recommendations!