My story and my journey towards lifetime free of P & M.

[hateporn21]

Hi Guys,

This is my first post here. I have learnt a lot from here and yourbrainonporn.com. Thanks to guys who are behind these portals. You are no less than messengers of God.

I am 30 and gone through a lot in my life and more recently my life has gone down rather any way up. I think its enough now and I want to hold my life and be in charge of it. I want to share everything here, my experience and my doubt's. My goal as identified in the subject is the first step.

Guys my life is in a mess. At present I am going through a divorce. I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I feel I have lost everything. I tried my best to convince my wife to stay. She left me in may 2014. She left me at a time when my physical situation was much better. I was rebooting at that time and I had sought time from her for complete recovey. Before her leaving me we had made love for around 8 times in a span of a month. That I even recorded in my private diary that I maintained while rebooting. Those love sessions with her were good enough and I thought I had the best of my life. But then she left, leaving me in shatters. Yes, I was shattered and ruined. And then that lead me back to porn and my present state.

About my porn history: I developed this habit when I started working, earning on my own and that was around the age of 24. Before 24 I did watch porn but it was very rare and I can say I was not habitual. My habit grew after 24 and grew a lot. It was only when I got married at 27 in 2011 that I discovered that I had a problem. I could not make love. My penis did not become fully erect. If it became erect it did not last long. I could not satisfy my wife. I consulted doctor. They said I am normal and that I should not take stress. They told that everything will be alright. Then my relationship with my wife became from bad to worse. We had frequent fights. But it was too late. I came across a youtube video around after one year of my marriage. It did convince that how porn was responsible about my condition, but I did not act upon it. Around after two months in February 2013 l met a doctor who gave me pills to increase hormonal level as he saw a dip in them. My problem seemed to go after that. I felt better. Even the relationship with my wife improved, though not fully. Life was smooth as long as medication continued and for a few months after the three months of medication ended. However my condition deteriorated around November 2013 and then I came across yourbrainonporn. I left all porn and asked my wife three months time. The mistake I did was I did not tell her that the problem I had was because of porn. Our relation was not so good and telling her could have dented it further. Anyways I continued with my reboot and around march into 8th week of reboot I could smell success. Yes I felt. This was it. I can recover. And I had marvelous time after that. Around 8 times of successful intercourse in a month after that. But the relationship with my wife was a constant hurdle. She was non understanding and non compromising. It was a big task to answer her or to convince her. I don't know what she had in mind. Did she even love me, sometimes I ask myself. The answer is that she is gone now. I don't blame her. May be she was not responsible for our divorce at all. May be it was me and my condition that was responsible. May be I was a coward. I don't blame her. I accept that I was at fault. I am responsible for her misery as well.

But the truth is that she is gone. Gone 7 months ago. She left me. I couldn't do anything. And no way she can come back.

The truth is that, I am shattered. I am ruined. After her leaving I fell back and became dependent upon porn again. I had been trying to reboot since last seven months but several attempts have failed. I want my life back. I don't want porn in my life. I want my confidence back. I know I can. But guys I need your help. I am starting reboot. Today was my first day. A successful one. Weekends are a problem for me. Thats when i tend to go back to porn. Guys please help me.

Regards,

Hateporn21

 

[Bagpuss]

Dude, that's shit. Well you're in good company here. We might imagine that the reboot should improve matters in many ways. If weekends are a trigger then plan for them get out of the house give yourself a project. Take some practical steps to make it less likely that you'll relapse.

Don't be too hard on yourself, keep going, good luck.

 

[Yuri]

I think I understand You pretty well. But i am so tired now. I will not be able to write much. You must understand that you are not ruined. You dont depend on anything and you have all the rights to feel happy and free. You just have to deattach yourself from all these struggles because you dont need them. You attach yourself to them and fight them but you will never win. Just let it be and then free yourself from porn. You dont need it.

 

[Perseverance]

I'm really sorry to hear all this mate. Thank you for being brave enough to come on here and honestly share your story. I know I can see certain points that strike true with me. In particular, not being able to communicate with a partner for fear of the damage it would do to the relationship. I actually did try and speak with my ex-fianc? about it. And it only made things worse. This shit is so isolating...

Thank you for sharing. I hope these forums give you the support and encouragement you deserve

 

[hateporn21]

Thank you, Bagpuss, Yuri and Perseverance for your valuable comments and appreciation, support and motivation. At this point I need it a lot. I would like to share that I already did a reboot for around 5 months between January and May 2014. And wow, the life was rocking at that time. I could achieve full erection after around 8 weeks of starting the reboot and could do successful intercourse with my wife. Not only my sex life improved, what improved was my confidence, my concentration, my stress level reduced, i could foresee things, could control my anger and much more. I was improving and was on a path of reversal, on a road which lead to a better life, a life that I had missed while I was addicted to porn.

Well things changed. My wife left me. That story I have already told in the first post, and don't want to repeat again. She left me and I found a partner in porn again. Well that's history. I am quitting porn once again. And this time I want to be quitting it for the last time, for ever. Though my immediate goal is 90 days and as they say recovering from any addiction is not easy. So I am going to take one day at a time. My biggest enemies are my laptop which I am using to write this post and my loneliness. If both are together (my laptop and my loneliness), their is a fair chance that the devil inside me will open porn websites again. Need someone here to help me on how to block certain websites. Can anyone help me please?

Thank you, Guys.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 4

Its the beginning of Day 4. Things have been going on pretty well till now. Well one thing is important to discuss here. I am not habitual to viewing porn. Rather I am habitual to chatting porn with unknown girls on web. Is there anyone here who can relate to this?

Anyways its already late in night and I will bring this topic out in detail soon. It needs attention. I have to get up early in morning and catch a flight. Going out of city for work. That will keep me busy for at least coming 3 days and I want to make the most of these three days. Thoughts of opening chat portals for chatting porn came yesterday, but could overcome them because of work. Today was pretty fine. There was some brain fog when I got up in morning. Anyway guys, things seem to be going well till now. Hope it continues like this.

Good night

 

[Yuri]

Day 4

Its the beginning of Day 4. Things have been going on pretty well till now. Well one thing is important to discuss here. I am not habitual to viewing porn. Rather I am habitual to chatting porn with unknown girls on web. Is there anyone here who can relate to this?

Anyways its already late in night and I will bring this topic out in detail soon. It needs attention. I have to get up early in morning and catch a flight. Going out of city for work. That will keep me busy for at least coming 3 days and I want to make the most of these three days. Thoughts of opening chat portals for chatting porn came yesterday, but could overcome them because of work. Today was pretty fine. There was some brain fog when I got up in morning. Anyway guys, things seem to be going well till now. Hope it continues like this.

Good night

You must understand that You will have to leave this chatting if You want to be free from addiction. You must deeply understand that you dont need it. Until then You wil struggle.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 5

It was a good start to the day. Had a hard on when I woke up. That's the first early morning wake up hard on in this reboot. Though it did not last long or in other words was not a raging hard on, still it made the morning good. I know things will become better with time.

Had a busy and a long day as meetings and work kept me busy. There is a huge scope of improvement in every aspect. That includes, concentration, positive attitude and thinking, more and better conversation with people, etc. Girls in real world still not excite me. Felt drained at some times during the day, including slight clog in the brain. Head feel heavy sometimes.

Just have to feel easy and take things as they come bye. Don't need to worry to much as they say in the song, "don't worry be happy". Life will be lot better in the coming days. Just need to give it some time.

God, bless all those suffering from this pain!

 

[Fappy]

Keep moving forward mate. Youre on the right path to mend your life. This is a one day at a time thing, and everyday you dont give in to your urges is a good day.
Keep writing your journal and posting on here! All your support is here!

Fap-diddy

 

[hateporn21]

Day 8

Completed a week of no pmo. That's the smallest of achievements. Remained busy due to work in the and some company of my mother at home. Otherwise I live alone and I know it will be a task to control once she goes back to the hometown and I am all alone again.

Anyways things have been good till now. My aim is not 90 days but a life time free from pmo. I want my life back and want to be in drivers seat, driving it and taking it forward to pursue my goals and passions.

As the days pass by, I see the positivity coming back. I have a lingering mild headache. Probable reason could be change in habits and lifestyle. I think it will go away fully in a few days.

This is a great forum and great to be a part of.

Thanks guys!

 

[Perseverance]

Congrats on a week clean Despite what you may think, that is a big acomplishment!

 

[chiefmitch88]

Thanks for reaching out HP21. I can see that we do share some similarities. I'm sorry that your wife left, I understand how hard that must be. Mine left for a time and neglected to tell me about it. Now were are trying to sort out the pieces from the damage we both caused to our relationship. Just remember that retreating to porn when you are feeling shame or guilt will only lead to more of the same. Emptiness is all that you find at the end of a PMO binge. Your path to new life begins right here. Your path to true intimacy and love also begins right here. Hang in there and congrats on a week clean!

 

[hateporn21]

Day 10

Got up in morning with a night of wet dream. That must be the result of not fapping in straight 10 days now. Else I am experiencing very low libido, with no major interest towards girls or even the mood is not on the happier side. I guess these are all experiences bound to come as the days pass by. And I am not new to them. I rebooted last year for about 5 months and experienced them all before seeing the actual results. I know my good days are not far.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 12

Feeling stressed out. Not in good/happy/cheerful mood. Not able to concentrate on the lot of work I have pending in Office. Feeling heavy in the head. Did not have a very good sleep last night. Woke up in the middle of sleep and then could not sleep for another hour.

But life will go on. Its my life and I hate porn. I hate porn and I hate porn. I will say this hundred times that I hate porn. I really hate it.  Its responsible for this mess. It controlled me in my prime years. But no longer. Now I will be the master of my self. I know quitting porn has its effects and its showing its effects on me. But my heart says that these effects are for good. These effects tell me that I am curing. I know the process is slow and long but the result is excellent. I will be cured.

I have been very positive throughout my life and here its not only positivity but the posts by several men that tells that it can be cured. But it has to be taken seriously. Any type of porn, audio or visual or written or cartoons, or just imagining or fantasizing can take me back to day 1 of rebooting. I have not thought of going to porn for 12 days now. That is nearly 288 hours and 17280 minutes. How wonderful it would be if I can add a 'zero' to this. Imagine 2880 hours and 172800 minutes. That would be simply great. Awesome. But my target is life free of porn. Life free of fantasizing. Life free of fantasizing something which is not natural. And I very well know the 1 day rule. As spiritual leader Deepak Chopra says, addictions are the number 1 disease our world is facing and that addictions are toughest to break. I have heard few hard core addicts though on television how they broke their addictions. Another spiritual leader Wayne Dyer told how he has kept himself away from alcohol for more than 20 years. These guys are truly inspiring.

The question that remains to be answered for me is how my next few days or months are going to be. What am I going to do. I cannot sit idle and alone any moment. These are dreaded evils for me. Sitting idle and sitting alone. I will have to counter these. Another thing can be to stay away from internet or these devices which link me to this world. That is one aspect. Another aspect has to be taking up certain hobbies. I want to buy a bike. Want to cycle and get fitter. I also want to join a jim. I want to build certain mass/muscles and get rid of the small belly that is starting to come up. Though I am fitter as compared to many of my friends when it comes to my physique but I have seen my muscle mass decreasing over the past couple of years. And that I have read that joining jim or taking up fitness activities will help quicken my reboot. I know that and I am aware of that. Only thing that I am yet to start that.

One thing that bothers me is the work at Office. I am involved in work that needs a lot of mental exercise. Again sometimes this seems to be monotonous and then I tend to be complacent and not do the work in time. I feel a lot of responsibility towards this and these past few months have made me pile all the pending work. This has to be sorted out. The only way is to be more serious at office and take this pending work Head On. And I know I can tackle this in a very good way. Only that the drive or the zing to do so is missing. Well let me say and I want to say that I will take this Head On and complete all the pending work. Make it a goal and let the dopamine be secreted each time I complete something. I can do that.

Guys, just felt like expressing my thoughts here. All I want to say that I am going to be the pilot of my life. Please write back if any of you feels so. Your words and advice's are always welcome. This is my story and my life and your being part of it would be great. I think when we write here, we are already a part of large society, society of ill men with ill minds, who are being driven towards better lives. That sounds poetic. Lol. And all those guys who are struggling, you need to be honest, honest towards yourself and clear in your thoughts. Stay positive guys. You will soon be rocking your world.

Bye for now...

 

[Perseverance]

That?s great you?re thinking about cycling and taking up a hobby. I?m a writer and so focusing on that is helping keep me distracted. But there?s also another aspect to my recovery that I?d like to share with you

I?ve kicked a number of addictions over the years, and do you know one of the most helpful ways I found to stay on track? Volunteer work

I know this may sound weird, but I?ve found that giving my life some deeper meaning and purpose helps sustain the levels of self-belief required to keep clean.

I don?t know what sort of area you live in, but you could do anything really. Helping couch a youth team, helping with a community arts project, doing work to help the homeless (this sort of volunteering seriously puts things in perspective for you), the possibilities are endless.

The main thing is to get involved with something that altruistically helps other people, because by helping other people, you help yourself stay clean.

These are just some suggestions, feel free to ignore them

Congratulations on the 12 day mark by the way! I?m having similar motivation problems but am marching through them.

Keep strong bro, you can do this! ;D

 

[hateporn21]

Day 15

Completed 14 days of no pm and voluntary 'o'. That is another achievement. Have changed subject of my journal from "My story in short and how my life is in a mess now" to "My story in short and my journey towards lifetime free of P & M". I think this is more positive and will keep me reminding about my goal.

Had a dream of having intercourse with a girl. LOL. I think that is pretty normal. Though the dream was not clear and I don't remember it is much detail but I felt good. Even had a hard on while getting up in the morning. Things certainly are improving. But still a long way to go before everything is healthy and the ED is gone completely. This is only the beginning.

The next goal is another week and 7 more days of no pmo. Taking small steps at a time.

Reading success stories and journals is really interesting here. Especially that of Gabe. Do read that if you have not guys. It is really motivating and confidence boosting. In his story Gabe tells how he could discuss his PIED and his rebooting with his family and friends openly. Even I wish if I could discuss my problem with my family and friends. But cannot right now. May be in few months or years time. Thanks to him and all those who discuss openly and honestly on this forum.

Thanks for listening guys. Keep up the good work and soon you will need no artificial stimulation to keep your tingy up.

 

[hateporn21]

Completed 17 days of no porn and masturbation. My feelings have taken a hit. Feeling very low. I dont want to go back to porn. No, never. The thing that is troubling me is my marriage. Those who have read my first post would know that I am going through a divorce. I dont like living like this. I dont know what to do? I am confused guys. Dead confused.

There were issues in our relationship from very beginning. I dont want to talk about them much. I have no hesitation in saying that ED was one of the reasons. But there were issues other than my ED. There were days when I was cured. When I had rebooted the last time, I was successful in doing intercourse with my wife after around 2 months from starting my reboot. I knew how leaving P & M could bring a change in me. We had good time. The relationship improved for some time and then faded again. I will be very honest guys. After I felt I was cured I had intercourse with my wife eight times in the following month. Some of the sessions were quite good. I maintained a counter in my diary. I thought I was cured. Cured fully. But after the successful month there was some lack in the stiffness. Some problem. I knew then that I had not cured fully. Nevertheless, there were other issues between us. We fought a lot. And she left me.

I could never talk to my wife that porn was the reason for my ED. I thought that she would never understand and my telling her would escalate the problems. I don't know if this was the right approach or not.

Guys I have a question. Do you think porn induced ED makes us less loving? I mean since our mind is numbed, is our capability to feel love for others also numbed? Please share your opinion guys. My experience says that our mind know that a girl is beautiful but we dont feel the way we used to feel when there was no ED. Am I true? Again we my try hundred ways to impress our girlfriends/wives, but there will be a huge difference in our efforts and showing and showering love when we dont have ED. Guess my was the same case. Though, I tried hundred ways but all my effort were in vain. Had I not had ED, nothing would have happened.

After my wife left me, I fell back to porn. But I always knew I would leave porn one day. And I have done that. Left it forever. I dont want to go back to it and make a fool of myself. Porn gives us immediate pleasure but ultimately takes away the very feeling of pleasure from us. Guys one thing that I want to say, no matter how low I feel or how lonely I become, I will never go back to porn.

Thanks for your time and patience in reading this.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 18

Going strong till now with no pmo. Though I felt low yesterday and today morning. But lets start afresh. I have made it to day 18, the longest period since may 2014. That is an achievement. And lets make use of this day and do something worthwhile. Guys I have a lot of pending work in office. And my goal today will be to make best use of the day and complete as much work as possible. And I can do it.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 19

Yesterday was good. Though i did a lot of work but long way before i can say it was satisfying. Head seems to be heavy. Dont know what it is. May be withdrawal symptoms. Problems in concentration. Lets get back to work. I have a lot to do. And ofcourse no feelings of going back to P or M which is good. Every day without pmo is a successful day.

Thanks for reading guys.

 

[hateporn21]

Day 23:

Completed 22 days of no P & M. That means 25% of the goal is achieved. Still a long way to go. Going through a flatline. Had a wet dream yesterday night. Having mood swings. Not feeling too good. Though I have completed 22 days of no P & M but things are not going to be easier in the coming days. I am visiting my sister and that is keeping me busy. In a few days I will be all alone. Will need to work out over the free time I get then. Its not easy but its not impossible.

Need some motivation guys. Do write in.