Acted out this morning...had a 10 hour binge yesterday. My brain feels sluggish and my mood feels dark. I am a sex-addicted junky all too used to this craziness. I am now in my mid-30s. I have been an addict since my teenage years. Maybe even longer.
Grateful to the friend in recovery who introduced me to this website. Really good to connect with others. I know I need to do it more. God knows how isolating this stuff can be...
A little bit about myself
Recently I read some statistic about most families being dysfunctional. By contrast, I always held on to the idea that mine was quite 'normal'. But if I'm honest -- which is a rare thing these days -- it doesn't take much to realise that mine had/has its fair share of idiosyncrasies and head-fuck situations. Being quite 'religious' in the catholic sense, talking about sex and girls with my parents was always awkward at best (or maybe it was just in my head..). I remember feeling embarrassed to talk about relationships and God forbid me if I ever exclaimed how hot so and so was on the TV for this would surely be construed as somehow demeaning to a woman...etc.. I longed to have typical 'man chats' I guess.
My father was an alcoholic yet I didn't learn this until my late teenage years. I guess like all addicts, he was just good at hiding his ailments..During his 'alcoholic episodes', I found myself being more of a parent, to my father -- walking him home after he'd had too much to secretly drink while on a family holiday --, and to my mother who would often helplessly cry while shouting "why don't you do something.." to me.
I found comfort in porn. But during my 20s, and with the advent of high speed internet, my use of it sky-rocketed. But it wasn't until much later -- around the age of 30 or so -- that I finally started to so something about it.
When I was in my early to mid-20s, it would have been around the age of 23 I guess, I opened up to a good mate that I thought I might have a problem. And he said, well maybe you do, maybe you don't but wait until you're 30 and see if you're still saying the same thing..
When I was 30, I was lucky enough to get to spend a year in Florida (I'm British) and it felt like a new beginning. While there, I got chatting to somebody who was to later introduce me to SA. We talked about addiction, and I confided in him about my dad's drinking and he opened up to me about his porn addiction. That really opened the door for me. I was able to say to him, you know what, I think I might have the same problem... It was early September of 2011 that I went to my first SA (sexaholics anonymous) meeting.
In March 2012 I was to return to the UK and I started attending SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings. Since then my recovery has been exceptionally rocky. The most sobriety (no porn but some M) I have ever had in a single stretch is around three months. This would have been the beginning of last year. After I lost it, I've had the odd month here and there but its been pretty rocky generally..
As I mentioned, I had a massive binge yesterday. My partner who I live with left to go on a week-long work conference. I guess subconsciously my mind took that as some opportunity to get online and do what my addicted brain likes best... and then this morning, I guess I just went for the chaser.
Anyway, I am here because I want to get sober. I would like to commit to checking in here with with my daily thoughts one day at a time. God willing I can.
Thanks, glad to be here
Ben
Grateful to the friend in recovery who introduced me to this website. Really good to connect with others. I know I need to do it more. God knows how isolating this stuff can be...
A little bit about myself
Recently I read some statistic about most families being dysfunctional. By contrast, I always held on to the idea that mine was quite 'normal'. But if I'm honest -- which is a rare thing these days -- it doesn't take much to realise that mine had/has its fair share of idiosyncrasies and head-fuck situations. Being quite 'religious' in the catholic sense, talking about sex and girls with my parents was always awkward at best (or maybe it was just in my head..). I remember feeling embarrassed to talk about relationships and God forbid me if I ever exclaimed how hot so and so was on the TV for this would surely be construed as somehow demeaning to a woman...etc.. I longed to have typical 'man chats' I guess.
My father was an alcoholic yet I didn't learn this until my late teenage years. I guess like all addicts, he was just good at hiding his ailments..During his 'alcoholic episodes', I found myself being more of a parent, to my father -- walking him home after he'd had too much to secretly drink while on a family holiday --, and to my mother who would often helplessly cry while shouting "why don't you do something.." to me.
I found comfort in porn. But during my 20s, and with the advent of high speed internet, my use of it sky-rocketed. But it wasn't until much later -- around the age of 30 or so -- that I finally started to so something about it.
When I was in my early to mid-20s, it would have been around the age of 23 I guess, I opened up to a good mate that I thought I might have a problem. And he said, well maybe you do, maybe you don't but wait until you're 30 and see if you're still saying the same thing..
When I was 30, I was lucky enough to get to spend a year in Florida (I'm British) and it felt like a new beginning. While there, I got chatting to somebody who was to later introduce me to SA. We talked about addiction, and I confided in him about my dad's drinking and he opened up to me about his porn addiction. That really opened the door for me. I was able to say to him, you know what, I think I might have the same problem... It was early September of 2011 that I went to my first SA (sexaholics anonymous) meeting.
In March 2012 I was to return to the UK and I started attending SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meetings. Since then my recovery has been exceptionally rocky. The most sobriety (no porn but some M) I have ever had in a single stretch is around three months. This would have been the beginning of last year. After I lost it, I've had the odd month here and there but its been pretty rocky generally..
As I mentioned, I had a massive binge yesterday. My partner who I live with left to go on a week-long work conference. I guess subconsciously my mind took that as some opportunity to get online and do what my addicted brain likes best... and then this morning, I guess I just went for the chaser.
Anyway, I am here because I want to get sober. I would like to commit to checking in here with with my daily thoughts one day at a time. God willing I can.
Thanks, glad to be here
Ben
