Return to Reboot - mybestself

[mybestself]

Hey Guys,

I'm starting a new journal to help me get back on track with my recovery. During my last journal about 20 days ago I made it to 29 days before I relapsed. Since then I've probably relapsed a good 3-4 times, each one bringing me down further and further. My last two relapses were carried out on my work computer which is so ridiculously stupid, They would have every right to call me up on it, in a best case scenario I would lose the respect of some of my friends and colleagues who are in management and HR (not to mention my fianc?!) in the worse case scenario I could lose my job and even my right to work in my domiciled country. I absolutely cannot afford to let me this happen.

Starting today, my counter goes back to zero. I'll be posting every day without fail, any feedback or advice you can provide will be very much appreciated. Wish me luck!

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 0. 21/01/2015.

First off, I feel a great sense of relief having (finally!) restarted my journal. This is something that I've been avoiding since my relapse for no good reason. I KNOW that I can't expect to reap the benefits of recovery without actively working on my recovery. And really, 30 minutes of journalling per day as a start is hardly asking for much.

To help me with this journey, I'm going to set some ground rules for how to approach my recovery. These are:

1. Not taking my work computer home with me unless I know for fact that my girlfriend will also be at home during the same time
2. Following a morning routine to get me into the habit of journalling before heading out to work. See below for my routine.
3. Logging onto my journal straight after returning home from work

Morning Routine: My routine will be:  Wake Up -> Cold Shower -> Dress -> Journal With Tea

What helps you guys with your recovery? Anything you can suggest that might help me?

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 1. 22/01/2015.

Day 1. I held off from logging into my journal first thing as I had another commitment to get into the office early. In retrospect, if this situation happens again then I should instead wake up 20-30 minutes earlier so I can keep both commitments.

Some light temptation to pursue pornography this morning but nothing too severe. Whilst sitting on buses and walking around the city I have noticed myself checking out girls, probably partly to seek out validation. This doesn't help me so I want to make a conscious effort to cut it out. I also expect to be home alone for the best part of the evening so I should be on guard for any temptation. If I do find myself triggered then I will employ my strategy to use some vanilla MO, rather than try to struggle with the desire to seek out more explicit content.

What got me in my last relapse was that I rationalized that I could read erotic literature and that I wouldn't escalate past this content. Of course I did escalate and ended up watching hours of pornography. ANY suggestion that I should pursue content of ANY medium is a con and it will (as it always has done) lead to a full blown relapse. 

Very grateful that I've re-committed to keeping a recovery journal. I'm not a religious person though I do feel like my spirit is cleaner as a result of actively pursuing recovery.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 2. 23/01/2015.

I'm writing this journal entry from home in the morning, before heading off to work - exactly how I want to be adding to my journal moving forward. Feeling pretty good as a whole, although a little tired which I suspect will be down to having 2 cups of coffee at work yesterday. Am very happy it's Friday and I even get a long weekend to boot : )

If I look back at my past relapses, feeling good can have it's own challenges as it can bring a sense of overconfidence which can lead to me letting my guard down. Often, the better my sobriety gets, the better and more confident that I feel and the more likely I am to miss a day of journaling which eventually can lead to a relapse which can feel like it came from nowhere - My life will be good, nothing bad will be responsible for my relapse, I'll just get overconfident, let my guard down and chase some explicit content - relapse.

If I can wish anything for myself for this streak, it is that I contribute to my journal, every day without fail for the next 40 days - I know I can do it.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 3. 24/01/2015.

Happy to be in the weekend : )

A little tired but not too bad, it was also nice to wake up naturally at 8am this morning. After waking I spent my first hour awake reading the news, in future I think it would be better if I prioritised my journal. Seeing some friends later for some kayaking which should be fun, I've been invited by a colleague at work who invited me at short notice yesterday, I'm glad I said yes as sometimes I can feel resistance to committing to spontaneous social outings - Something I'd like to get better at.

 

[ready2go]

Hiya mybestself
Your journal is awesome and an inspiration to me.  I'm only a week in to this so knowing you have gone so long before resetting helps me know I can go at least another day.  My goal now is only a day at a time since any more than that seems like a lot to chew off for myself.  I've been PMOing for as long as I can remember - a really long time.  I never realized how much time, energy, and resource went into my passion for porn and masturbating and edging.  My thinking is already clearer and I'm having better conversations with people outside the house.  My wife seems better connected to me too.  There are some hours where it is just really really hard because I don't seem to be able to put the computer down.  I am making goals and one of them is to take a hobby.  I have wanted to try painting.  I don't know how to paint, and I don't even know where to buy the paint and the brushes.  Tomorrow I have to work but after that I'm free to go looking and getting set up.  Please keep posting and know that there are people here to support and care for you in your victories and in your tough times.  r2g

 

[mybestself]

Thank you for the kind words and support ready2go! That's fantastic that you're a week in, especially if this is the first time that you've decided to go without pornography. I, like yourself have also been PMO-ing from a very young age and so I understand how much of a grip this stuff can have on everyday life - it's insidious. I still have a way to go myself as I need to actively work on my sobriety in order to benefit from it, though I can tell you that life is SO much better without pornography in it. The levels of intimacy that you can achieve with your partner, friends and even strangers are sky high compared to those that are achievable whilst secretly watching pornography (at least in my experience). Not to mention, the knowledge that my partner can use my computer without me freaking out about her finding pornography is also such a huge burden off my shoulders when I'm enjoying times of sobriety. I'll be sure to follow your journal if you have one going - keep up the good work!

 

[mybestself]

Day 4. 25/01/2015.

Day 4, slowly climbing up the sobriety chain : )

Super tired yesterday after kayaking with friends (maybe all the sunshine?). I ended up hitting the sack at 9.30 and even after a good 10 hours of sleep I'm pretty shattered - weird. Not feeling particularly triggered currently though I tend not to feel that triggered when my partner is in the house. My big triggers tend to centre around being home alone, or returning to an empty house which can occur fairly often due to my partner sometimes working evening and night shifts.

I do know however that it is far easier for me to keep my sobriety when I'm journalling. Funny enough, for me the act of journalling is less about writing (although I'm sure this helps) and more about me showing up for my recovery on a daily basis - sort of like the act of watering the plants every day, or adding oil to an oil lamp to keep it lit. It's this daily commitment and reminder that I value my recovery that I believe benefits me the most.

<Afternoon> Played a couple of hours of a computer game in the morning which was followed by a massive headache and feeling of anxiety. I feel this is due to a sort of awakening that happens after a few days of sobriety where I notice that my flat is a mess and that I've been putting off a heap of tasks and long-term goals, tasks and goals which were completely invisible to me whilst not pursuing recovery (even if I was only watching porn once or twice a week). This is just starting to hit now. It's painful but at least it's better to notice that I've been avoiding some aspects of life so I can give myself the opportunity to do something about it.

It's time that I start to chip away at these activities. Guess I'll reply to an email from my grandmother that I've been putting off...

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 5. 26/01/2015.

Day 5 - Woop!

Ended up completely turning around my day yesterday. During the morning I found myself a bit in a funk which I later realised was due to me coming back to reality and realising that I've been putting off a tonne of stuff that needed doing (except at the time I just felt off and antsy). I then started chipping away at these, one at a time until the early evening where I felt HEAPS better. I'm now sitting in my now tidy flat, doing some delayed revision for an exam on Sunday (an exam that I had previously been putting off). Feeling pretty good about myself : )

<Afternoon> Had my first serious temptation to act out since my relapse when I picked up my kindle and realised I hadn't yet reset the parental controls for the internet browser. My hear rate increased and my brain flashed with different erotic content that could be accessible to me if I were to give in. Fortunately I was able to repeat the sentence "I'm going to be the man I want to be" which helped me to strengthen my resolve and set up the parental controls once more. Phew!

 

[Dryan239]

Dude you can do it !
Im 15 days in clean of everything know and Im Amazed ive made it this far. Ive replaced the boost i got from porn with the boost of seeing the days fly bye. the first week is a bitch no doubt but i feel like week 2 gets a little better before this reboot i made it 7 days then relaspsed and i promised i wont let the feeling of having to restart hit me again because thats the worst. just look at the positves every day your make it without porn the closer you get to rebooting your brain and getting back to a porn free life best of luck !

 

[mybestself]

Cheers Dryan and congratulations on the 15 days!! I agree that the first week is the hardest, actually, specifically I find near the end of the first week the hardest. Had my first serious bit of temptation this afternoon but I'm glad to say I was able to ride it out - phew! Will check out your journal also if you have one going. All the best to you! : )

 

[mybestself]

Day 6. 27/01/2015.

Today I'm starting with a new client at work which I'm always a little anxious/excited about. I'm feeling reasonably tired but not too bad. Still, this combined with the knowledge that I'll be home along in the evening is enough for me to be on alert. It might be a good idea for me to do practice some vanilla masterbation (i.e. masterbation without any stimulus other than myself) when I return home so I'm not tempted to seek out pornography. I know I can break past the week barrier.

 

[NfN]

Hey mybestself, good job sticking to regularly updating your journal! Do you have to be home alone? I think avoiding the tempting situation is better then knowingly giving yourself a hard time, if possible of course.

You got this man, stay strong!

 

[mybestself]

Haven't been able to log into reboot nation recently due to my web filter though looks like I'm back in! Day 7 and Day 8 journal below.

Day 7. 28/01/2015

I write this on my bus journey to work and I am absolutely shattered with tiredness. I believe this is due to three factors: firstly, I started with a new client yesterday which is always tiring. Secondly, the work to be done is quite a step up over my more recent projects. Lastly, I had two coffees, I'm quite sensitive to caffeine and I can sometimes go through a major energy crash at the end of the day as a result.

Fortunately, even with the above I was not tempted to act out yesterday though I am feeling very tired this morning.

Tried cold drip coffee for the first time today and it was delicious. Not only that, I didn't appear to experience a major caffeine crash in the evening. Going to try it again tmrw to test it wasn't just an anomaly.

Tried to log into reboot nation in the evening though it appears my internet filter has started blocking the website. Will need to get it unblocked when my partner is next around.

Day 8. 29/01/2015

Tired though considerably less tired than yesterday. Not experiencing any major withdrawal though my girlfriend has also been predominantly on day shifts so I haven't had too many evenings at home, alone. Very happy to have passed the 7 day mark

Had the same type of coffee as yesterday though bizarrely it seemed to have less of an effect on my tiredness (even though I felt less tired!).

Good day overall at work. Starting to get more relaxed with my new client (always a little stressful when you just start with a new one).

Not feeling particularly triggered as I write this. I'm also continuing to drop off my laptop at work so as not to provide me with the opportunity to act out with my work machine.

 

[mybestself]

Day 9. 30/01/2015

Good to be Friday : )

Really quite tired even though I went to bed at 9.30pm. I'm hoping I can reset my body over the weekend as this amount of tiredness really feels excessive. No major bouts of temptation though In past I've found Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays more triggering than during the week. I'll need to make sure that I keep busy, especially as my girlfriend will be working over the weekend.

@Nfn - Thanks for the post man. You're right that I don't have to be home alone, I could also make plans to be somewhere else. This is something else that I'm working on, I'm a bit of an introvert, not so much as how I interact with others but more that I enjoy my solo time and might resist going out with others (even though I enjoy it when I'm there).

 

[mybestself]

Day 10. 31/01/2015

Day 10 - Woop Woop! : )

Still a bit tired but super happy it's the weekend. Woke up realising I was home alone and then started thinking of pornography. Fortunately I was able to decide instead to MO without the P. Left me feeling a little more hazy afterwards but I'm also very glad that I don't have to put up with a day where I'm tempted to seek out pornography (and wreck my whole day as a result).

I should probably explain the whole MO without the P thing. I've been watching porn since I was 12 and I've been struggling with porn since I was 18. Over the past 10 years It's actually been a rare event for me to masterbate without porn. If porn was available then I would use that, if it wasn't then I simply wouldn't masterbate. For several years I have tried going hard mode and on a few occasions I have even made it beyond 60 days, though for the most part I would last 1-2 weeks before giving in to pornography. Recently I've been experimenting at using normal masterbation in those moments where I feel at risk at seeking out pornography (which by the way is normally no more than once a week, sometimes not even that much). These sessions are normally very quick as I don't use any videos, pictures or audio and I certainly don't try to prolong them, normally it takes just 5-10 minutes in total.  Because I don't find masterbation by itself addictive, and that I only masterbate when I'm feeling hounded by urges to seek out porn and that by masterbating I completely lose interest in seeking out porn, I actually feel that it works well for me. So, for me, if I MO without the P then i'm still good. This might not work for everyone but for now I feel that it's working for me

 

[ready2go]

Whatever works for you mybestself is great, as long as there is no porn, no pictures, no pixels.  You and your hand, you and your pillow, you and  your partner are all good as far as I'm concerned.  Other guys have different thoughts but as long as you're not viewing porn, then the requirements for the site are certainly being met.

 

[mybestself]

Cheers for the post ready2go. I've also spent some time in the past in AA-like groups for guys and girls who struggle with sex, love and masterbation. One of the things that I took away from those groups is that although there may be similarities, our relationship with sex, love and masterbation are all different. There were guys / girls there who really struggled with maintaining a relationship whereas that has never been an issue for me. Some people found it relatively easy to kick pornography whereas others like myself continue to work on this. In general I think hard mode is great if you can do it but after years of trying I'm seeing if I can make my life work with some tweaks to the formula which, I feel right now are working for me.

 

[mybestself]

Day 11. 01/02/2015

I noticed some resistance to log into my journal this morning. My head was to trying to rationalise that because I have an exam this afternoon, that I don't really have time to log in and contribute to my journal, i'll do it "later" instead. Urgh!

Fortunately I kicked this though aside and logged in anyway. I know that I give into this one, seemingly small diversion from my recovery then without doubt it will lead to larger and larger diversions until I find myself at a full blown relapse. This is why I MUST log onto my journal every morning, without fail.

 

[Akainu]

Good job man!

I just wanted to share something.

I have been questioning theory and what I think about skipping P and saying just MO is fine vs eliminating PMO.

And I just don't know. What I can agree on however is that eliminating P is good, right. MO:ing without P could be ok.
However, MO:ing for what tho? Just because you are super horny or is it perhaps because you want that dopamine effect.
Sometimes it can be a mix. But even if there is a risk of it being for the wrong reason, I very recently decided to try eliminate MO too.

It will be harder, but hopefully more effective. But if you think about what you really really want to achieve... Isn't it worth it to go all in instead of just half way? And if you think about what you really want to achieve again, you can set your mind to doing it.
I failed 2 times. But this time you know what I did? I blocked the P hubs, tubes all those pornsites I usually visit - blocked with google chrome's toolbox.

Did it work? Hell yeah. I have not even been thinking about porn and it's the first 10 days.

It's like... have you ever cheated on a test before by writing notes on your hand or something?
When you write the cheating note on your hand, you remember it so well that you don't even have to look on it.
That is exactly what happend here. I blocked the pornsites. I know it is impossible for me to go there. So my mind won't even try going for it.

Just a tip from me. If you're serious about getting better. Atleast strongly think about wether eliminating P is enough.
I still don't know. But for the dopamine reason, I'm going full PMO style, (sex not included tho)