Return to Reboot - mybestself

[mybestself]

Hey Akainu, thanks for stopping by!

To answer your question, currently I don't masterbate because I'm horny, nor do I masterbate for the dopamine effect. I only masterbate when I feel at serious risk of seeking out pornography - it's sort of a way of disarming myself ; )

What I've found is that just after a relapse I might need to masterbate on average once per week.  As my recovery improves, I am less likely to desire pornography and as a result I masterbate less and less (to the point where I basically don't masterbate). This technique might not work for everyone but I feel it works for me and probably it only works because for the last 10 years I have practically never masterbated without the aid of pornography, I've been so hooked on porn I didn't even consider MO without the P. 

I've also been trying to kick P, M and O for the last 6-8 years or so (including going to help groups which are focused on this topic for 2+ years) so I'm no stranger to trying to go hard mode. I am finding easier however to kick out pornography (which I strongly want out of my life for good) if I am able to use controlled masterbation when I'm most at risk of relapsing.

Also I commend you on setting up some web filters as these can be a big help, I've done the same for my computer though there is always a way to seek explicit content if you really want to so it's not quite the end all. They are great however for taking specific, known triggers out of sight completely which I"m very grateful for.

 

[Shello1]

mind my grammar i have dyslexia !!!!

Hey guys Just wanted to make a post on this subject. Basically, I've been porn free for about over a month and my no fap journey started 4 days ago......  I want advice is cause I'm experiencing problems... My first gf the sex was great but then I started to lose my erection and i couldn't get hard anymore. I've been watching porn and masturbating for 12 years now. The other day I brought a girl over to my flat we did most of things  but i lost my erection whilst we were doing things and I had alcohol as well... so that doesn't help... I stay fit and healthy so that's not a problem... i can get boners when kissing girls or something but i lose it shortly afterwards porn has ruined my life anyone having the same issues here if so and advice whats wrong with me and how i can get better i feel like killing myself cause it's making me angry how i can get a boner over a real women but i can get one when fantasising women in my head... how does this work in any sense  i've had it where boners stay for a while whilst the girl is there but i lose it when coming to sex.... why is this help!!!!! me i used to masturbate 3 to 4 times a day and a heavy porn user.


REPLY PLEASE..... SHARE YOUR COMMENTS WITH ME... I FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY PERSON GOING THROUGH THIS.... NEED ADVICE, GUIDANCE, SOLUTION AND HELP.

 

[mybestself]

Hey Shello1.

First of all, that's fantastic that you've decided to try a reboot. I'm also very impressed that you've already gone one month without any pornography.

I can assure you that what you're going through is not uncommon for someone who has been a heavy user of masterbation and pornograhy (especially if you've been doing this since a young age). The absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is to go through a reboot and to take some time to learn about the physiological and neurological impacts of heavy porn/masterbation use. The good news is is that the effects have been shown to be reversible, especially in cases such as yours where you can get an erection with a fantasy. 

I'll message you some books that I've ready that have helped me.

Feel free to reach out if you need any support.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 12. 02/02/2015 and Day 13. 03/02/2015.

I'll need to make this one quick as I've got to get into work early today.

Quite tired yesterday (Monday) so I decided to have an evening void of any computer or TV screens and as a result I feel MUCH better today : )

Little urge to view pornography currently though whilst tired I did find myself checking out girls on the way to/from work which I'd really like to not do.

All in all things are going well.

mybsestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 14. 04/02/2015.

I'm back up to the 2 weeks mark : )

Also held back last night from playing any computer games - more so I can give my eyes/brain a rest in the evening rather than a conscious decision to stop / reduce the amount of time playing computer games. I feel this is a turning point however as quite often I will depend on computer games directly following a relapse. Gradually as my recovery improves I feel less desire to spend my free time playing games.

I brought my work laptop home with me yesterday as I was expecting my partner to be home and I didn't want to make the extra trip to my base office to lock it up. Although this will make my journey to my client office today quicker, I do need to be careful that I don't bring my laptop home on any evening where I'm likely to be by myself. Maybe it's even too early for me to bring it home full stop. I'll have to think about this one...

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 15. 05/02/14.

A little tired but not too bad. Had some semi-erotic dreams last night but I'm making a conscious decision not to "go there", I'd rather live in the real world than reside in a fantasy one. Haven't played any computer games since Monday and my sobriety is going well.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 16. 06/02/14

Day 16, nice.

Had a good day at work yesterday, felt like a boss. Also managed to leave the office at 5pm which was great. Sobriety is going well though also helped by the fact that my partner is currently on study leave and so will be in and around the house during the next two weeks - this is a big help as I'm very unlikely to pursue any explicit content with her in the house. Have been focusing on keeping my eyes from wondering whilst walking down the street. Checking out other girls (even if it's only for a moment) isn't good for me. Besides, I already have a great girl in my life who is more than enough.

<Evening> Just finished watching American sniper and although I enjoyed much of it, it's portrayal of war also left me feeling anxious. Maybe compounded by the fact that R (girlfriend) is out and I also have my work computer at home (which I really should have dropped off at the office, even if I was anticipating having R at home for the weekend. Well, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to put my computer down, and head to bed. See you guys in the morning.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 17. 07/02/15

As I approach the three week mark I want to remind myself that it's around here that I am at risk of being complacent. For the most part sobriety feels pretty easy at the moment (though this is greatly enhanced by the fact that my girlfriend is on study leave and as a result is for the most part at home when I"m at home). I also know that I am FAR from immune from relapsing and from looking at my past, I have had many situations where I have been enjoying a period of sobriety, wake up one morning with pornography on my mind and almost immediately after waking start seeking out pornography. This stuff can really sneak up on you, though only if I let my guard down.

So, the best thing I can do for myself is to keeping coming back to this forum and update my journal, one day at a time. I think it would benefit me to start contributing more to other's journeys. I think I'll go and do that right now : )

<Only one hour later> Girlfriend decided to head over to a friends to revise which A. had me acknowledge that I was feeling triggered and so I gave her my laptop battery pack to take with her and B. has me in this weird state where I know the best thing that I can do for myself is to leave the house and see a friend but am also feeling a massive resistance to do so, it's like I'm being held to the spot by tainted roots growing from the ground. My brain is telling me that I could so easily seek out some explicit content but I know that it's also the worst thing I can do for myself.

<Evening> I was able to get myself out of the house though regretfully I did end up seeking out some explicit content. Fortunately nothing pornographic but enough for me to consider it a slip. If I were not to consider this a slip then I feel I would be at more danger of a full blown relapse in the near future. For this reason I am re-setting my counter but will continue forwards.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 18 (no porn). Day 1 (no explicit content). 08/02/15

As I mentioned in my last entry, yesterday I gave into the temptation to seek out explicit content over the internet. I fortunately didn't seek out pornography (which I could have done) but instead ended up content which I still find erotic and so I consider this to be a slip. I was tempted to not call this a slip but by doing so I know from experience that I would be more likely to have a full blown relapse - something I'd like to avoid.

I am glad that I've decided to reset my counter and I'm glad that I've mustered the energy and courage to pick up my journal and crack on. I'm feeling pretty good overall, certainly FAR better than I would be feeling If I had viewed pornography. For that I am certainly grateful.

Let's do this : )

mybestself

 

[mybestself]

Day 19 (no porn). Day 2 (no explicit content). 09/02/15

Two days ago I relapsed by seeking out some explicit content over the internet - basically a few videos of some girls dancing seductively in their underwear. Not quite pornographic but still easily enough to bring out my inner addict.

Right now my heart is pounding because I know that the same video is only a URL away. It feels crazy that my body would react like this. My fiancee is in the house just a couple of doors down, we had great sex only yesterday and yet, my body is sending me with an urge to view and masterbate to a video online. Crazy.

Well, let's imagine this to the bitter end. Here's what would happen if I were to act on this urge:
1. I load up the URL and navigate to the page where these videos exist
2. I find the video in question (there's one in particular which my brain keeps playing in my head) and view it whilst my fiancee is just a room down. I've probably situated myself in a position where I could quickly react to her coming out of the bedroom
3. I watch the video and find it exciting though I feel unsatisfied at the end of it. I *could* masterbate to the video which would intensify the pleasure but I probably won't allow myself to orgasm as A. The rush of seeking novelty is what my brain will fixate on. B. I know that by orgasming I would feel absolutely awful (it might not hit me immediately but boy will it hit me)
4. I spend the entirety of my evening seeking out other content in the hopes that I will be able to find some other video to fixate on though it's pretty much guaranteed that I WON'T find anything to satisfy my craving
5. I go to bet tired and FRUSTRATED and worse yet even MORE hooked into the impossible task that is trying to satisfy an addictive craving
6. The cycle repeats itself tomorrow and every other day until I finally have a full blown pornographic relapse
7. Eventually I admit to my fiancee that I viewed pornography. She's disappointed as am I though it finally gives me the resolve I need to get back onto the path of recovery
8. I painfully and slowly start building up my recovery. All because I gave in to the urge to view a video clip of a girl dancing in her pants

Even with the above I am seriously tempted to throw it all in and watch that stupid video. But I won't. I'm going to finish this post. Close my computer and take a cold shower. I want this out of my life

 

[ready2go]

Come on mybestself - you can do this.  I won't fall apart if you don't but I'd sure feel a lot better if you didn't.  I know you reset your counter even though you have not PMOd and I have to wonder if you're being hard on yourself; a little too hard on yourself.  I'm no role model for sure, and I'm just getting started here but please accept my support and my love and don't move backward.  Out here without porn, without images of dancing girls, where you are engaged hard as a rock with a flesh and blood woman is where the light is man.  Keep going.  I'm sure you can do it.

Some ideas about alternatives to watching dancing girls:

Get a good book about dogs and start reading it.  I'm reading Merle's Door:  Lessons from a freethinking dog.  It's pretty distracting on many levels and it keeps my mind elsewhere than dancing girls and (and also men in my case)

Cold showers - you're doing those already.  Great!!

I've taken up painting now and then.  I got $25 worth of art supplies which is enough to paint two canvases!  You can paint anything you want.  You might steer clear of erotic materials to start, but this uses a different part of your brain which may need exercise.

The gym - weight training is a great option if you are physically able mixed with cardio.  It keeps endorphins high and maybe a hit of dopamine in a natural amount and setting

Start a home based business.  Crazy, but that is a lot of work for sure.  And maybe add some revenue to your bank account.

Write on other people's journals.  Let them know of your successes and concerns.

Just a few ideas.  Man, I want to see you win.  Keep going!