Starting over and trying something new

[Struggle Within]

Because of this forum, I read about other people experiencing porn dreams during their recovery.  I had my first one last night, and when I woke up I was grateful that I did not relapse. 

I actually take the dream as a good sign of my recovery.  My brain remembers how it use to get its dopamine rush and now it is trying to simulate the experience.  I?ve been porn free long enough for my brain to realize the something has changed. 

Now that my brain has realized that its normal dopamine supply is missing, I?m hoping it will be open to new and healthier substitutes, like exercise, playing the guitar, playing with my kids. 

 

[Struggle Within]

These porn dreams have become a consistent thing I am having every night.  It is so stupid how scrambled up my brain has become.  :-\

I remember when I was a teenager, I use to have dreams about having sex with a woman, fantasying about this real life and wonderful experience.  Now, in my 30s, I dream about watching porn on my computer.  My brain currently prefers this fake and simulated experience over a real one.  That is just sad that I messed my brain up that much.  My brain should yearn for real experiences. 

Only 2 days to go before I hit two weeks.  I?m feeling stronger each day, and time is starting to go by faster now.  The first week went by much slower. 

 

[Struggle Within]

Two weeks down!  YES!  ;D

I am half way to completing my first goal and feeling really strong.  The dreams stopped and the cravings really feel low.  I had a stress trigger yesterday and I became very angry, but I actually didn't feel the need to relapse.  It was pretty incredible.  I played video games until I felt better and I am hopeful that I am starting to enter more of a maintenance phase, but I know I am still very early on in my recovery. 

 

[Fallen]

Congrats on going 14 days. It's encouraging to me. I've done it before but lately it seems like I can only go about a week at a time when I'm really trying. This time will be different. I sometimes MO quickly just to avoid the 2h P session, leaving me behind in my work & elevating my stress & lowering self-esteem. It seems like a practical compromise, but I don't think it helps in the long run. Sure, I avoid the time waste & a lot of the negative consequences, but it doesn't help with the real problem - the addiction. I'm determined that this time I won't accept that compromise.

 

[mouchas]

Hello my friend, I would like to ask you something; Before you relapse because of porn do you hear a conversation inside your self between two sides( one craving for it and trying to convince and the other trying to keep away). I have always relapsed after this fight inside, and felt bad afterwards for doing it again.

At that exact moment of craving you need to divert your feelings to other thoughts. Try to say "cancel" to your self internally many times. You can give a reward to your self as a chocolate or something you like. I have read that you are also working from home so you can not escape but you will.

So far I am not fully successful myself but found these helpful on my brain.

 

[Bagpuss]

Hey man really greAt thread. We seem to have many things in common (2 kids, 33 years old, porn use for maybe 20 years, work from home some etc.). Great progress so far. I certainly felt a slight improvement around the 2-3 week mark so keep going. I also had a porn dream the other night, and to me this is an indication of some brain changes taking place, so I see that as a positive thing. Know your triggers, use distraction, remain aware but not obsessing over the issue and stay positive (my 2cent for what it's worth).

Peace 

 

[pinkerton]

Way to go on your progress. I really identify with how triggering it is to be home alone. Keep coming back.

 

[Struggle Within]

Congrats on going 14 days. It's encouraging to me. I've done it before but lately it seems like I can only go about a week at a time when I'm really trying. This time will be different. I sometimes MO quickly just to avoid the 2h P session, leaving me behind in my work & elevating my stress & lowering self-esteem. It seems like a practical compromise, but I don't think it helps in the long run. Sure, I avoid the time waste & a lot of the negative consequences, but it doesn't help with the real problem - the addiction. I'm determined that this time I won't accept that compromise.

In some of my previous attempts I would also just MO quickly to calm the craving.  This technique didn't make me feel guilty since I wasn't including P, but it also wasn't very effective for me because I would almost always relapse after a week as well.  I think the reason was because I wasn't addressing my need to strengthen my will power.  I was being drawn to P and MO was a way to give my brain a "quick fix."  But after a few quick fixes the craving would just increase and increase until I relapsed. 

During these last two weeks, instead of MOing, I have been facing the craving head on and figuring out what I can do about it besides PMO.  Sometimes I had to leave my house and go to a movie, or exercise, or watch tv, or play video games.  I haven't fixed my problem of wanting to be more productive, but I also haven't given into my cravings at all, and as a result they are starting to die down now.  As I fill myself with confidence that I have the strength to avoid this, I can focus on my work and begin being more productive.

This is the approach I am taking and so far it is working out well.

 

[Struggle Within]

Hello my friend, I would like to ask you something; Before you relapse because of porn do you hear a conversation inside your self between two sides( one craving for it and trying to convince and the other trying to keep away). I have always relapsed after this fight inside, and felt bad afterwards for doing it again.

At that exact moment of craving you need to divert your feelings to other thoughts. Try to say "cancel" to your self internally many times. You can give a reward to your self as a chocolate or something you like. I have read that you are also working from home so you can not escape but you will.

So far I am not fully successful myself but found these helpful on my brain.

Yes, I do have that conversation within myself before I relapse, which is what inspired me to choose my screen name and avatar for this forum.  The conversation is basically a drawn out process of me justifying my behavior before I relapse. 

I have read about the technique of rewarding yourself and/or punishing yourself.  I am glad that works for you!  Keep doing whatever works, at all costs.

For me, the reward/punishment technique has never worked.  I like goals, but I don't need a reward.  Like at work, we have metrics that show how we are doing compared to others.  That is all the motivation I need right there, I just want my name at the top of the list.  I don't get any reward for that, I just like looking at my metric.  That's why the PMO tracker has been working so well for me.  I want my chart to get to 100% and I don't want to reset it until after it gets there. 

 

[Struggle Within]

Hey man really greAt thread. We seem to have many things in common (2 kids, 33 years old, porn use for maybe 20 years, work from home some etc.). Great progress so far. I certainly felt a slight improvement around the 2-3 week mark so keep going. I also had a porn dream the other night, and to me this is an indication of some brain changes taking place, so I see that as a positive thing. Know your triggers, use distraction, remain aware but not obsessing over the issue and stay positive (my 2cent for what it's worth).

Peace 

Thanks!  I appreciate it! 

 

[Struggle Within]

The roads today were very icy and driving on them gave me a rush of adrenaline.  This was a trigger that I hadn't thought about.  As soon as I got home I wanted to look at P today because of all of the adrenaline. 

I had to just relax on the couch and watch tv for a couple of hours until it went away.  But I feel good now.  I have almost completed my third week and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel for my first goal! 

 

[Fallen]

I hadn't thought of adrenaline. I've probably chalked it up to stress in the past, but it makes sense to me.

 

[Struggle Within]

Alright, 3 weeks down.  One week to go and then just two more days after that to official meet my 30 day goal.

I'm feeling strong today.  Yesterday I had a very productive day at work without much craving. 

But Monday sucked.  It was very difficult.  That stupid adrenaline rush just messed me up for the entire day.  Towards the end of the day the cravings were really trying to get me to go to some non-nude websites.  That is usually the first step when I relapse.  I convince myself that non-nude images are not porn and therefore I'll just check out the non-nude images and I'll be fine.  But you use non-nude images in the same way and therefore it just intensifies the cravings to a point where they cannot be managed.  On Monday, I was so pulled into falling into that trap that I actually opened a browser twice for the purpose of typing in a website.  But I never typed in that website.  I went through all my counter measures, I ate, I exercised, I played video games and watched tv.  I was once again not productive at work, but I got through the day without relapsing.  That was as close as I came to relapsing since I started this new journey.  Adrenaline is a very powerful thing, and I'll need to be better prepared for it the next time I experience it. 

Does anyone else know of any techniques that specifically address adrenaline? 

 

[Fallen]

You mentioned that exercise didn't work, but I wonder if exercising until you are totally exhausted would be any more effective.

 

[pinkerton]

I've noticed a connection between adrenaline and pmo and drugs and alcohol for me. I kinda agree with fallen. When I get an adrenaline rush, I basically need to do something to just wear myself out or else it kind of sticks with me for a long time.

 

[Struggle Within]

Thanks guys!  I will try that next time, I'll exercise to the point of exhaustion.  I don't do cardio much during the winter time and it sounds like that's what I need to do.  I'm looking into joining a kickboxing gym.

 

[Struggle Within]

Alright, alright, alright.  I hit my 30 day goal.  8)

I have been very busy at work this week.  I apologize for not posting as much as I started out posting.  I am accomplishing exactly what I wanted to accomplish, being more productive at work, while also being more attentive to my children and wife when they are home with me. 

During that first week, going 30 days without P seemed impossible.  But I did it.  Now, I have reset my goal to 6 months, which would tie my personal best.  Even though I've gone 30 days without P, going 6 months still seems soooo difficult.  I am still getting cravings, but these cravings tend to only last a short time period and then go away, even if they are intense cravings.  During that first week, that craving would last all day long. 

So one month down, five months to go.    I'll keep updating everyone on my status.