Time to Reset

[WankFree]

Hi Everyone,
It has been several months since I have logged on and I have not been abstaining from PMO. I have reached a point where I am tired of being stuck and alone. The ED I experience when being sexual with someone is horrible, and even performance enhancement drugs don't help. My penis is not the problem, it is my brain. I will be filtering my computer this week from pornography, as I have proved to myself time and time again I cannot restrain from using it on my own. I will be removing my counter for the time being as well since it is not really accurate. I know it is best to abstain from MO, but I will realistic enough to tell you that is not going to happen right away. First I will remove the use of pornography and experience my withdraw from that, then second (30 days later) move on to letting go of old pornographic images and fantasies in my mind. The second part will be the most difficult and it will take a while. Eventually I will stop MO altogether and experience my sexuality with a partner. Tall order, huh? Yep, but I want to get better.

 

[ready2go]

Welcome back WF!  This is the time you can do it once and for all.  Keep it going man!  Keep journaling every day here, and write in other people's journals.  With guys writing in mine every day, I'm much better along than I probably would be, despite having hit a "to be expected" rough patch.  No PMO!! 

 

[Dharmabum]

Hey WF,

Ready2Go said a mouthful, all of it good and true.  Posting here has kept me honest.  When I think of acting out, my mind goes down the checklist of people I am accountable to:  1) this will create a disconnect with my wife  (2) what will I tell my sponsor?  (3) how can I post honestly on Reboot Nation if I act out and don't confess?  Why would I do that to my fellow travelers?  (4) I don't want to go to my 12 step meeting and have to start over on my sobriety. 

We all run a daily, even hourly risk of slipping up.  But the more we create accountability, the more reasons we have to stay the course.  And I have to tell myself that each time I choose to NOT log onto a porn site or jerk off in the shower, I am strengthening my integrity, self-esteem, and confidence.  I am becoming more of a man and less of a boy. 

Keep going, and keep coming back here.  It's a great place to vent, cry, celebrate, confess, and inquire.  Not to mention, keep you on the path of sanity and sobriety. 

 

[WankFree]

Thank you Readd2go and DharmaBum for replying to my post. I have re-installed the filtering software on my PC and will have my sponsor change the password to the administration login on Saturday. Will work on having my phone restricted this coming weekend as well. I will stop using internet porn once these filters are in place. Is MO a bad thing after that? I am not sure where to draw the line, I want to be realistic about it.

 

[Dharmabum]

WankFree,

Good job on the filters and accountability with a sponsor!  As for the MO, I'm not the foremost expert, but most of the guys I've seen on here who have experienced the most rewarding (and lasting) reboots eliminated P and M/O from their repertoire.

Personally, if I fantasize and go into M/O mode, it only makes me crave porn more.  Eventually, the movies in my head get old and I want new/fresh ones to add to the mental collection, so it's sort of an endless cycle.  I recommend cutting out all behaviors that revolve around your addiction.  It's not easy, but it's the best way to truly reboot and rewire your brain. 

Everyone's circumstances are different.  For me, P/MO interfere with my marriage.  For single guys, M/O may be a release that keeps you from going to porn, but for others, that just becomes a slippery slope. Ultimately, we have to be honest with ourselves about what we are addicted to and what we wish to overcome. 

I can say that I'm truly encouraged by how 60 days of no PMO is serving me in my confidence, awareness, clarity, and sense of self-worth.  I don't know what that would feel like if I was only eliminating P. 

 

[Phase2]

Conventional wisdom is that if you have PIED, and you want to get back to normal erections, you need a period where you brain totally rests so the bad pathways can weaken and then you can develop new ones. That means No P, No M and No O for a period of time. That period is not set in stone, but one month is on the short end. This is totally possible. Dig down deep and do it. It sounds a whole lot harder than it is.

Read everything on this page. It will give you all the answers you need. Read it twice. Good luck man!

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-question

 

[WankFree]

Dharmabum & Phase2,

Thank you for your replies. I have suspected that cold turkey M/O will be best to start. I have gone periods without PMO as I have filtered my computer before. Even though I was not looking at P or PMO I was still replaying P and acting out memories in my head. Things were better, but now I understand the pathway was still active, just less intense. Initial erection is typically not difficult for me, but difficult to maintain without keeping dopamine levels spiked by looking at P. Many years ago I did go totally celibate for 25 days without P/M/O, and I did notice that I felt more confident and I could really tell that in my voice. I am grateful to have this forum and all the helpful materials on this site and YBOP. 10 years ago people would laugh about being addicted to porn, today this is different and I do not feel as alone.

 

[WankFree]

Hi Guys,

I have been offline for a while, I travel for work and I don't feel comfortable using my work laptop to sign on with. I went all week without looking at any P until last night on my phone. I will be getting that filtered as well. I did feel better without using P, but I was caught up in fantasy and re-hashing images in my mind. I do not consider this past week progress, just because I removed physical P media. I know I need to stop PMO all together for a while to get better, otherwise I am only fooling myself. I am going to put a new counter in my profile and make a goal of 30 days without MO, P will no longer be considered an option.

 

[emanedur]

Hi WF.Awesome you are back on track with PMO.As the other guys have said I think it is the path least likely to create a relapse,says me with only one day under my belt ! I know for myself if I allowed myself to M it would be only a matter of days/hours before I was surfing for porn again.Anyway if you didn't cut out the M you would have to change your username ! All the best.

 

[WankFree]

Thanks Eman,
It's almost 24 hours since my last PMO. Looking forward to a better life without it. Yes, you are correct about my username, I really dug deep to come up with that, I just need to keep digging deep to stay on course! I am glad you made 24 hours, it says a lot in the beginning.

 

[WankFree]

Hi Guys,
Just checking in. Still on track for nearly 48 hours. I have noticed that I feel a little bit better about myself, and I have very optimistic outlook toward the road ahead. In my case the road less traveled. I see my therapist tomorrow and I will be sharing where I am with him, which will give me more continuity and accountability. Reading posts and watching the videos on this site has helped me a lot. 

 

[ready2go]

Great man. Keep checking in with those videos and radio shows on YBM, YBOP.  They are just chalk full of great information that will help sustain you as we travel the path without PMO together.  Keep going! 

 

[WankFree]

Thanks Ready2go! I am glad to have made another 24 hours PMO free! I feel like I think I am sort of flat lining at this point, which is not a bad thing. I am not tempted to MO, but I know I can be triggered to. I am feeling better about myself and have a positive outlook toward the road ahead each day. Physically I feel good, but I do notice I am more full. My pattern was wanking everyday for long time, so it's understandable I would feel different in that regard at first. Looking forward to another 24 hours.

 

[t00futca]

I'm new here but have found the journalling helpful and it's less of a burden to know we're all in this together.  I like the way lyon3 closes his posts: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!  I agree with you that even though you do not feel tempted to MO, a trigger can lead to that.  That's what I've been experiencing the past few days as well.  I haven't been tempted to seek out porn but to MO with simply the sight of an attractive woman.  Hang in there!

 

[ready2go]

If it's of any help guys, the toughest time is the first few days as you figure out what to do with all the time you spent watching and wanking to porn.  The way I filled the time, quite honestly, was being right here and on the YBR and YBOP sites, reading all I could and journaling like crazy. 

The urges to PMO diminished after a few days and after a couple of weeks went to near zero.  That's how it was for ME.  Everyone is different, so your experience may vary.  But, from what I read from everyone so far, is the first few days are the worst.  What you have going for you is that your commitment the first few days is the highest.  So you can fight fire with fire, and reading, and writing.  And for heaven's sake, get out of the house and go do something.  Anything.  Run, gym, movies, work, visit friends, go to the library, see a concert, take a drive in the country, go swimming, take a cooking class.  You get the picture.  Anything that keeps you busy will keep you from PMO.  That's all you need.  The longer you stay free, the easier it is to have no interest at all. 

Other things will come up.  You can deal with those later. 

Get an accountability partner.  I have the most awesome one on the planet.  You can find other most awesome ones here.  Ask around to find someone who resonates with you.  Maybe you'll become life-long friends, who knows.  But it will be with a person and not some ridiculous pixels on a screen that have no resemblance to reality of any kind on this planet.

Keep going guys.  Here you will find love and acceptance unlike any you've found before.  Use it to your advantage.
R2G

 

[Doc]

I'm at a wierd place in abstaining from PMO.  Due to the fact that I know what it has done to me, the very thought of it makes me sick.  At the same time, I find, in the quiet moments when I used to fire up the laptop, I still feel the autopilot call to log on and check something out.  It lasts only a brief moment and then I remember all of the reasons why I won't go do that.  Dropping in here to post on a Journal page is a great replacement.  Keep strong Brother.
R

 

[Jimmy James]

My porn use was also automatic, almost like a chore.  Replacing idle time with anything better , like you have done, is the best thing to do. 

 

[WankFree]

Hi Guys,

Thank you for all your support. The last couple of days have been challenging for me. I traveled for work yesterday and today which involves being in airports where there are always a lot attractive men. I knew it would be a struggle, but I have stayed on track despite thoughts of throwing in the towel more than once. This evening on the flight home I was seated next to a very attractive guy and it was difficult for me. I have objectified people for so long, that I tend to draw away emotionally, rather than treat them as person. This is from years of porn use conditioning. I feel really crappy right now and a part of me wants to change that by MO or PMO. That is my addictive brain wanting to reach for something to change the way I feel. I don't want to slip off track for many reasons, but the biggest one is that I will just feel worse and feel more tempted to fall back into the unhealthy PMO routine.

I am hopeful that things will get easier, and I have started trying healthier things to counteract all the negatively I feel about myself. I used PMO as coping mechanism which has made it difficult to let go of. In this last six days I have began to see my sexuality in a healthier light. It helps me to remember something I learned my recovery from alcoholism, that when I am struggling "this too shall pass".

 

[WankFree]

Hi Guys,

I am still hanging in there. This past Thurs and Fri were rough for me, but I made it through and I am still on track! In this past week I have been sleeping a lot better and find that I am more motivated to get things done. My old routine was to PMO at bedtime, this was disruptive to my sleep. I would toss and turn and get up several times through the course of the night. I am exercising more and feel more present when I have conversations with others. I have a positive outlook, but I know my brain will try to trick me to PMO if I allow myself to become complacent. I do feel a little of the b-ball pain, but it is manageable. As far the morning wood and spontaneous boners, I am still flat line. That is ok for now, maybe even a blessing. 

 

[Curtis]

WF--Thanks for posting on my thread, and just read through your journal this morning. OK, "same guys, different names." I can relate to the disconnect we have with sex (which is probably a symptom of being PMO-crazed men), which you describe as devoid of emotional connection. I've pretty much always had this, and my escalating porn use made it a lot easier to keep those categories totally separate. One thing I've noticed on reviewing my sex history, is that over time
I began being less attracted to and accepting of "real people" and their physical and sexual beings. Porn did this to me. And not just that the real guys in my life didn't look like porn stars, some of them are totally attractive on every level. But something weird happened after years (and years) of pretty much daily porn use: sex itself with a guy became kind of uninteresting to me--it don't have the fast pace and choreography of my little movies; it involved other senses besides sight that began to seem like an intrusion, and the script was usually all wrong. (I remember being with one friend, and actually trying to tell him what I wanted him to say, at a crucial moment?). Not exactly the height of intimacy and emotional connectedness, but I thought I would satisfy that elsewhere, as if I could.

Not sure if you're looking for input, so let's just call this "a suggestion" to a fellow Friend of Bill. You described earlier on about abstaining from the P, and tapering off the MO maybe some day. Let me know how that works out for you! I tried this, but didn't get me too far, cuz I had a pretty good porn memory and would simply play the tape in my head. I also realized that the goal hear is sexual sobriety--all moral judgments aside. For me, right now, that's no porn, no MO, and no O. When I tried to skip the P but not tOhe MO, I realized a parallel to my wonderful attempts at controlled drinking--which didn't out too well.

It's great to read your journal entries. Keep at it, and I hope you've found an accountability partner here--i've found the need to air a few issues, and the privacy makes that possible.