30 days today!

[Curtis]

I'm just getting started with this, day 8 for me, no PMO.
I realized I "had a little problem" stretching back to my youth, when I found my father's porn stash at age 13. Looking just at porn use, can write my whole history of escalation--magazines, video boths, phone sex, and then porn online. I've probably lived out 99 percent of my so-called "sex life" this way.
I'm 54, separated after 27 years if marriage, and also accepting finally, that I'm gay.
Have a friend who is also aware that he got carried away by porn, so good to have someone to talk to in real life about this, and stay accountable.
I'm also an alcoholic in recovery now 3 years--and amazing to me that, until now, i've "missed" the twisted impact porn has had on my relationships, and everything else. 8 days feels good, and so far not a challenge it stay away from the crud. But I remember with drinking a "pink cloud" phase, that then got much harder. So am...on guard, for want of better words.
I've found this site amazing, to define the scope of the addiction. It's one thing to laughingly agree "yes, I'm addicted to porn", and quite another to feel it for real.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who has shared their personal stories, makes this feel
Possible...one day at a time.

 

[Phase2]

Welcome Curtis. You've come to the right place for support and knowledge. Definitely use http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/about-site-us-users as a resource as well. Lots of gay men on here too. We are all fighting porn's negative influence. Keep posting and good luck, buddy!

 

[Curtis]

Thanks, man. Just aware how much time I've spent, and how much it's dragged me down. Good not to be alone with that.
Having crazy flash thoughts of porn--thought I was allowed "one little vice", but realizing the extent I surrendered all control of my libido, and myself, to porn. Sort of at the "so who am I" moment. Interesting.

 

[Phase2]

Gary Wilson asks the question 'What is you and what is porn?" in his radio show (http://ia601600.us.archive.org/32/items/Cyber20130319/cyber20130319.mp3)

Give it a listen. I thought it was a great question. Made me wonder if I even had any idea what my true libido was. All his radio shows are helpful to listen to so you might want to spend some time with them.

 

[ready2go]

Congratulations on 8 days PMO-free Curtis!  Your sex life is no different or not much different than a huge number of the dudes here, so it looks like you're definitely among friends who understand and know all that you're up against.  And you're definitely not up against it alone.  We are in this together.  Honestly in the few weeks I've been here, I've found more friendship and support than I've found in years with men who are honestly and completely confronting the habits that have taken over a good part of us, and transforming them into useful, happy, fulfilling possibilities.  I for one am looking forward to supporting you in your successes, as well as anything you think is less than success.  Keep going man! 

 

[Curtis]

Thanks for the note...and yes, realizing "this" is the problem, and facing up to it, is huge.
I'm not sure where it all leads, but good advice I've gotten is "slow down, give time time" and "when in doubt do nothing" in terms of major life changes, while learning to manage this.
Early on in this as I am, I can't believe no one ever told me PMO was a libido and life destroying addiction--and i've spent a lot of time in the therapist's office. But to be fair, I never did tell anyone or acknowledge the extent of my porn watching nor masturbatiin, not how much fantasy was ruling me--always searching for maybe this site will get me off, or maybe there's something I haven't found yet. Kept me--sex-obsessed (which i confused with healthy-horny) and never quite able to pull it off in the increasingly rare real-life encounters.
Addiction, at it's finest!

 

[lyon03]

Thank you for sharing Curtis. My story is similar to yours as I too was married, came out, am divorcing, and am now in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. I'm glad you found the website and look forward to following your journey. Congratulations on 8 days porn-free! Keep going, keep sharing, and never forget it's a gift to be gay...at any age. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[savingmysoul]

Welcome to the Nation Curtis,

You are not alone in your struggles - we all have different stories, but we all have the same goals - to be better men, better husbands, fathers, etc.  There is a lot to learn, a lot to take in -

We are here to listen, to support, to encourage, even provide a shoulder should you need one.

I am 46, married to a wonderful woman and have two great kids.  I have committed solidly to absolutely no P and no M.  They are not an option, and have no place in my life anymore.

WE all have the strength in us to be successful, one needs to find it, grab it, and hold on tight.

Stay strong,

SMS

 

[Curtis]

Day 9! Still can't believe "this" is the problem...but have been looking around, gently taking other people's inventories...and the effects of chronic porn abuse, are all around me. Realize I've been keeping company with guys who have same problem I do....kind of like the way I noticed all of my friends drank as much or more than I did, before I joined AA.
Flatline effect noticeable--nothing makes me horny--but I'm also steering clear of anything that would. Inadvertently watched a sex scene in a vampire movie, and got all anxious--would I get hard? Should I get hard? Am I supposed to not like this, or like this? Or turn it off? May stick with documentaries for a while. Also, have no interest in Facebook or random texts to friends, not sure if this counts as isolation, or just another reminder about how much time per day I'm willing to waste in unfocused computer glop.
Joining the gym. I've liked what I read about physical workout the appropriate method of stress reduction. Realized...PMO has been my "stress reducer" of choice, and heedless of fact of how much stress it actually induced. Don't want to be 54, with my jeans down in front of a computer screen any more. Just for today...no porn, and no touching.

 

[lyon03]

Great work Curtis. More exercise and less TV worked for me as well. You'll find as you change your lifestyle, you may change friends as well. Keep fighting, asking questions, and sharing your journey brother. You are not alone. We're all rooting for you. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Phase2]

I read on one post early in my reboot that resonated with me: imagine being on the other side of the room watching yourself jerking off at the computer. Pants at your ankles, mouth breathing, eyes glazed over, dark room, computer glare on your face, desperately whacking away at OTHER people having sex...my vision of myself (which is realistic) was really pathetic and it helped me realize that is sure as hell not the person I want to be.

The other one, and the big one, is that I know I want to have sex in the future, and PMO is stopping me from being able to do that successfully. That choice is pretty easy to make. Porn, you're out.

 

[Curtis]

Thanks for the replies! And no...I don't have to be that skeevy guy anymore...and yes, I want to have a full manly sex life, with someone real. I'm keeping that foremost today.
Attitude seems to matter a lot: I'm not "giving up" anything by abstaining from PMO...I'm escaping from it. Kind of liberating, and a whole different approach...and helps me combat my self-wallowy moments of "why didn't I stop this years ago" and also destructive, wishing myself farther down the recovery road, than I am.

 

[Curtis]

I'm looking for an accountability partner on this site. Not sure how to find one?

 

[BarryL]

Go get a counter.  One of the best accountability partners out there.  Post on others' forums.  When you see the numbers just as you post, it feels good.

 

[ready2go]

If you want accountability, we do a pretty good job keeping our brethren in line here. 

You can post in the area seeing accountability partners, which I diid but no one popped up yet, or just ask anyone who seems like a good fit if they would have any interest.  You might be surprised who turns up.

You're doing great Curtis.  All those thoughts you're having seem like the normal ones not only I, but others here, have talked about so I think you can feel right at home. 

Take care man and keep going! 

 

[Curtis]

Thanks everyone, for the "accountability partner" offers. It helps!
I'm on Day 10. K9 blocker installed, and taking this seriously, from what I've read, the only way to recover. My goal is 90 no PMO, no MO. And no O, unless hands-free experience with a partner. (I've been making out only with a partner--like being in 8th grade again, and kind of exhilarating to just make out with nothing else on the docket.
I'm aware of how, when intimate, I've been flashing favorite porn scenes in my brain to "make it work"....for years. No wonder I haven't found the satisfaction of actually being intimate with another human, that it can be. In my mind, I've wanted to get the real contact out of the way, so I could get back to my true hearts desire...which was, skeevy guy in front of a screen. Really, twisted.

 

[lyon03]

Well done Curtis! Your post struck a cord with me. I too remember having to fantasize for years to peform with my ex-wife. You are taking the right steps my friend to make it to 90 days and beyond. As a fellow gay father, we may share the common experience of living out our closeted homosexuality through porn or through gay applications (like Scruff or Grindr). I applaud your decision to do a hard reboot (no PM nor O) for the first 90 days. You are not alone my friend. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lyon03]

How are you doing Curtis? Looking forward to reading your next post brother. Hope all is well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Curtis]

Thanks, Lyon. And thanks to the guys who have written me the last few days...support network crucial to beating porn (as opposed to beating off to porn). Things ok, and day 12 here, hard No PMO, MO, or O. And it's valentines day...kind of couldn't ask for more than a fresh start. I tackled my emails, without even thinking about manhunt or porn sites. (and have my rabid K9 protector if I "forget" and cross the line.) Weirdly, or maybe not being a total nut addict, I took up smoking a few years ago, in attempt to calm my nerves and settle my mind. One more addiction, to toss on the heap! I read Allen carr's excellent "the easy way to quit smoking", and my day 12 also includes no butts, no coffee (I drank WAY too much, in attempt to find motivation and clarity), no anonymous hookups for sex, and laying off extraneous Internet searches. A lot of "no never agains", true, but as I'm setting out on my new life alone in my new apartment, it all felt like one giant glop of crud anyway. I have a new guy in my life, wouldn't say boyfriend, but an actual friend, who is 7 days no fap. We talk, hold hands, and make out in my truck. And then say goodnight. Never done that before, and amazing that there's a growing intimacy without a porn-fueled agenda of what is supposed to happen. And I'm...there in those moments, rather than feeling like a voyeur or trying to replay some stupid Jeff Styker dialogue to get hard and stay interested. More challenges to come...but like the honesty on this site, and the ability to say what I feel without being judged. And to think...porn did this to me! Grateful, and relieved, to have a different path today.

 

[Curtis]

Day 13. No libido...a gift! (?) Thoughts of porn, and sex in general, non-existent. New terrain for me...and quite weird. Wondering how much smaller "the little guy" can get?