A Journal of my Journey

[remington81]

Hello all! I am creating this journal as a reminder of where I am, have been, and will go! Here is my story!

I'm 33 and have watched "P" (high speed) since about age 19. I truly did not realize what I was doing to myself. I consider myself a handsome, educated, and fairly sociable person. During my 20s I was in the military. I traveled the world and had a lot of sex. I had maybe 4 episodes where I couldn't get it up. I thought it was PA and just moved on. Then in my late 20s I got into a relationship. I was great in the beginning and I was still regularly using porn. I actually had DE for about 4 years before this moment. I remember I actually would brag like "I could go forever" not knowing that this was i illness! Anyways, I continue in this relationship and I start having several episodes where I have ED. I begin to freak out and like most people I have read on here began thinking it was low testosterone. I am a pretty spiritual guy, so one night after trying to have sex with my gf, I feel horrible! I have no desire to have sex with her, but i know I wanted to (if that makes sense). Like I had no libido, but I really wanted to please her! I prayed to God to show me what was wrong with me. I'm a personal trainer, I work out ALOT! So I couldn't accept something was "physically" wrong with me. Then one day I found Gabes video on YouTube! Gabe, God bless you brother! You gave me hope! I had just MO'd last Friday and found the video sat. I knew that when I did MO I was erect, no problem. But when with my lady, no workie! Lol. So I knew instantly I had PIED. I have always been a pretty positive guy. I believe in positive thinking. That has taken me out of poverty and now I see this as a journey to prove that I can heal myself. I think I started this thing in a flatline as I never had a true libido for a "real person" in a while. I embrace the flatline because I either have no urge to watch P or im so disgusted with what it does to people that I have already wired my brain to hate it! lol. I'm on day 6 tonight and in 13 mins away from day 7 no pmo no mo. I have one question! I do have the same gf and I told her my situation. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Surprisingly she was supportive and relieved that I was dealing with it. I thought she would leave me but she stayed. First few days I wrested with if she could stay loyal. I knew she has a high drive and I was worried. But she assured me she is here to help. She even said , "even if we don't work out, I want you fixed for the next woman..." That meant the world to me. I'm a prideful guy, so this was me at my weakness". I know every guy is different but, when should I try and have sex with her. I wake up every morning with MW. I have for months. Even when we would try in the morning, it would go limp once I started. I'm trying to focus my brain on just her. I hugged and kissed her today and felt a spark, nothing huge but a great feeling! I fantasized about that all day! I have avoided looking at all other women and FB/IG....I just want her! Any advice would be great! That's gang! I'll keep posting!

 

[cinefile77]

Congrats on being off to a great start. That rocks that she was supportive. My gf is also supportive and I started to go to therapy. Funny, I also had my testosterone checked because I thought I had a problem with ED. Yet when i was with porn, it worked just fine.

So far for me, looking into the science of it has helped. I'm interested in how the virtual world stimulation took over my brain and I let it happen. I read a good book called the porn trap. The whole thing about dopamine receptors is fascinating.

I've also tried to stay busy around the apartment instead of wasting hours in front of the screen, edging. So far so good. Since you work out, you stay active so that's good. Stay away from things you know trigger you. I've found I had more triggers than I realized.

It didn't take that long for things to work with my gf. Once I brought it out in the open, it was really difficult, but we went ahead on our scheduled trip and it was like a total reboot. I performed better and she was more willing.

I've also had difficulty with the whole being an addict thing. It sucks. But you'll see the benefits in no time if you move away from P. Once things are back to normal for you, I think you'll find your sexual relationship with your gf will feel new and epic.

 

[remington81]

Tell me about it! The triggers are things that I'm learning to spot. I have realized not to focus my recovery on my ED. But instead I try to focus on my biggest problem (to me) which is how porn has manipulated my view of women! I want to feel true love physically and mentally. I know that is weird because I love my gf VERY much. But I don't think i have ever made love. I look at women as something to sexually objectify. A tool to use and my porn use escalated to harder things which warped my view. I noticed my GF'S eyes for the first time yesterday. Like I was lost in them! These are the improvements im looking for. The ED will fix itself. I cut the cable off because women are everywhere there. We watch movies together but no sex scenes. Her support truly took all "pressure" off me. And it's great I have someone to practice with! I truly sympathize for the guys who don't, but know that you can have that be a easy process too! Just stay positive. It will all work out! This is day 7! ONE WEEK! And I'm feeling inspired! Haven't noticed any physical changes (it's early I know, I just want a record of my feeling when I look back). I did have MW this morning. I felt very excited sexually but this has always happened. This is normally when I would go indulge in some PMO. Instead I hold my GF tight and focus my brain on how good that feels! I feel like she is feeling a increased sense of "love" from me and that's a great thing!

All in all im in this for the long haul! I know many have said they won't relapse. I'm going to say it as well because you speak things into existence. I'm serious about changing my life. This is a crazy thing that porn is doing and once I walk my walk i plan to help raise awareness of the situation! Thanks for your response! Good to know I'm not alone!

 

[remington81]

Day 8...!!

I'm doing it! And I'm thrilled. Haven't noticed many differences in my physical response. I have tried to eliminate any sexual influence other than that given by sight, touch, or smell of my gf. Sometimes I notice flashes but my libido is DEAD. I have no physical desire for sex although I find her very sexy! I hold her at night and try to focus on how good that cuddling feels. I feel as if that is helping me rewire during my reboot. Anyone think this is a bad idea? I am only feeling the sense of no libido from this flatline. But I haven't had a high one for a human in a while! Regardless I'm NEVER going back to P! EVER! She (my gf) seems to be understanding and even got mad that I didn't listen to one of Gabes videos yesterday! Lol. I watch them daily to stay motivated...can't wait to see what a month brings! Stay strong fellas!!

 

[remington81]

Day 9!!

Almost in the double digits. I noticed something weird last night though. I actually had my first true craving. Like my body was trying to trick me. Flashes would come in my head and my whole body felt the need to PMO. I just went to sleep, but that was the first true "test" that I had... I think that's because I've been in a flatline since I've started. Noticed a small tingly feeling down there (in a good way). Stayed for about 2 mins and then left. I haven't had a libido in so long, I think thsts what it feels like for regular women! Lol....I'll take it though. I don't look for the end result, just progress! I love to see any amount of progress. Think il going to give the cold showers a try! I have MW, just at about 50% THO....staying positive and looking forward to day 30. Regardless, no P for me!!! EVER!

 

[remington81]

Day 10!!! I've made it to the double digits! It's amazing to write that because it has been a challenge! Watching P isn't that much of a challenge but looking at women in real life and not seeing there Breast or bottoms is a Challenge. But I'm maintaining! Trying to rewire my brain! Things are going great though! I know that my mindstate will determine a lot so I stay positive! No worries about this at all as I KNOW I will heal and come back better than I was before I started watching P! Hope everyone has a blessed day and stay in the fight!

 

[remington81]

Day 11 folks! Something AMAZING happened during the night! I got MW in the middle of the night BUT it was 110%. If my gf was to just simply touch me, I would have exploded! Lol...I'm still a bit confused about when I should "try" anything with Her. Im scared if I try carrezza (sorry if I spelled that wrong), I may O quickly. And I don't want to have a "o" at all yet. But I felt my libido for the first time in ages last night!!!  I always wake up with MW but it's usually about 70/80%. Last night I woke up 100% and extremely horny. Normally I would have went and MWO. But I just grabbed my gf tighter and thought about how good holding her felt. I don't mean to be vivid, I just want a accurate record of my feelings. I'm so excited about that! Thank you God/Infinite Intelligence for my healing!

 

[remington81]

Day 14! I'm thankful to truly be placing that lame habit of porn behind me! I have learned so much about saving my sexual energy for the right reasons! No PMO MO HAS become a way of life to me! Flatline or no flatline, I'm never going back. No new Changes to report! I'm just enjoying the process and staying positive! Looking forward to my 21 day Mark. Allowing my brain to rewire itself! And believing in the process!!

 

[mrcicero]

Remington, you have a remarkable journal.  It's upbeat and a really good read.  I like how positive and energetic you are.  Congrats on going this far -- it sounds like you've already experienced some benefits and have discovered life beyond PMO. And you're "only" on Day 14 out of 90! Imagine what 90+ days will feel like.  You sound like a new guy already.

This is very inspiring and I think everyone should read what you've written and follow you along on your journey.

Looking forward to it!
Cicero

 

[remington81]

Hey thanks brother!! I appreciate that and have followed your story as well! Sometimes I think we get caught up in the end result! Just let nature flow and life will take its course! I can't wait to see what happens in 90 days myself though! Lol...I love the journey! I appreciate your words man! It means a lot to know your not in this alone!

 

[tscooter]

Reading your story is inspiring! We have to emphasize the victory and minimize the struggles.I'm like you in that I don't care if there are some temptations, I'm just so glad to have taken this step forward....no looking back!

I also have a hard time with real life triggers that get all the machinery fired up. Someone told me once about "bouncing". When you see a hottie with a booty in front of you, bounce your eyes away. Anywhere, just don't gawk and examine. It fires the same pathways as porn.

 

[remington81]

Bouncing! I like that idea...I think I'll incorporate that into my routine. Thanks for the words of encouragement! Let's stay in the fight and keep defeating porn on a daily basis!

 

[remington81]

Day 16....can't believe I made it but I have! Mannnn the pain in my balls has been killing me! I mean last night I had to jump in the shower to cure it! Lawd! Regardless, I'm pressing forward. My gf was rubbing my back and I noticed a slight arousal....someone reading would say, "so what!" But Ive never felt that! Even slightly. That alone was progress. I'm in love with the process. I try to not think of the end and just keep knocking off days! The end will come! I'm in the Buffalo Wild Wings writing this! lol I'm so happy THO. Even though my Dick isn't working like I want it to, I'm still in a good space! I know my body is healing itself everyday! Everyday, I get better, in every way! I'm staying positive! Coming in touch with my sensuality! My idea of sex and women are changing to a more natural view. Really seeing beauty in a woman outside of booty and Breast. I love the care and softness of a woman. Her scent! My lady made me breakfast this morning and it made my day! Lol. I'm rambling! But you guys keep fighting and keep winning!

 

[remington81]

Day 18 is the craziest day of my life. I found out last night that im going to be a father! My gf is pregnant!! Kind of crazy that she got pregnant the Last Time we tried to have sex which was like a week before I found ybop! This is supposed to be a happy time in my life, and it is. It's a flip side though, because she doesn't know if she even wants the baby. This whole PIED thing has taken its toll on her I think. Maybe she doesnt believe I'll recover! I know I sikl! It's a 100% success rate for those who quit watching P! And I'm DONE!

I have been reading a lot of self help books and law of attraction type information. This has kept me grounded. I know I'm ready to be a father. Well I'm not "ready" today, but I will be in 9 months. I keep having visions of me holding my baby girl/boy. It's hard not to thknk about, and thinking about aborting my seed makes me sad. And I have to stay in a positive vibration!

All in all, I accept only good will come from this situation. And the universe will divinely guide me in the right direction. On a side note, I actually got a boner from cuddling this morning. Woke up around 4 with MW AT 100000 percent! It was so hard it actually hurt! Lol....went to piss and came back to bed. Held gf (still trying to keep the negative thoughts out and show love) starting feeling her skin and got a boner again. Relaxed....didn't want to arouse myself to much.  Grabbed her and got another boner! I am ecstatic!! Progress....I love it!

I'm going to keep My head up! No matter what, I know I deserve the best! And I will attract that to me at ALL times!!
Peace...

 

[remington81]

Well, day 22 and I'm still pushing! Gf decided to get/ have a abortion! I really DONT want to do that, but I've let go of the situation. It's nothing I can control and I find peace in the fact that I don't want to have a baby with someone who isn't ready to have one with me! I deserve the best, so I'll have to let this one be what it is! I will always wonder what he/she would have been though!

Now onto my PIED! I want to make it clear that I'm not mad with my GF. Just a little disappointed, I still love her plenty though. Everyone must grow at their own pace and I UNDERSTAND THAT! So I woke up with a incredible libido and MW! I pulled her close and just embraced the touch! I really wanted to explode tho! Haven't felt that in a while! I can feel my brain rewiring itself. I notice women's faces and aura a lot more now! I still see the body, but it's different now. I feel different!

I've also been taking a cold shower once a day. This has really helped with my confidence! It's not something I can explain, but if your reading this, start taking a cold shower a day and watch the results! Listen to yhe TED talk on it. My healing is happening every second of everyday and my body is returning to its normal state. I thank God for that! I'm learning what NATURAL feelings are like again! No bad can happen to me, and that's my mindstate!

 

[remington81]

Sorry I haven't been able to post lately! Life comes at us fast. Lol. Yesterday was rough! I could t sleep and I had this tingly feeling in my arms. Like I just wanted to throw something. Like a weird panic attack or something. I felt down all day yesterday (which is odd because im a positive guy by nature).

Today was much better. I started reading a book I saw someone mention on here called? "The Slightest Edge". It's phenomenal!

My dick has felt dead the last 3 days or so and it shriveled up. Like how it gets when your cold. It's like that majority of the day. But at least there is no pain like back a few weeks ago! Lol Anyways, been waking up with pretty consistent and hard mw....about 95-100%.

Finally got over this baby situation. I've burried it in the past and left it there. Can't change it, wish I could. Regardless, I'm focused on my healing and life. I will be better tomorrow than I am today.

 

[goffredo]

Thanks for sharing your journal; I'm just starting out, and it's very helpful to hear of your progress.

I wake up every morning with MW. I have for months. Even when we would try in the morning, it would go limp once I started.

I have had the exact same problem on numerous occasions.  Isn't that absolutely the most frustrating damned thing on earth!

 

[remington81]

@ Goffredo:

Crazy isn't it! Forgive me for my late response but my next post will describe that! Stay strong brother, it is truly the hardest thing I have ever done, but I feel like it will certainly be worth it.!!

 

[remington81]

Sorry I haven't wrote in a few. I remember when I first started, I was so confused about the "flatline". Because I had no libido really to begin with, I thought I was in one. BOY WAS I WRONG! Now I KNOW I'm in one. As I've stated many times, I'm a VERY positive person. I have been through a lot in my life, and have always came out on top. So I KNOW (usually) how to weather a storm witht a positive mindstate. BUT THISSSS....thissssss is was not prepared for. What's wrong you might ask. Well let's take a inventory:

-I usually wake up energized, have been waking up DEPEESSED!

-My d*ck has shrunk so small that it just adds to the depression. It's hard to feel like "the man" with a dick that is literally crawling back inside me. My balls also feel like they have been pulled into my pelvis. Lol. I always read other guys say, "like you got out the water and it's cold outside". EXACTLY!

-My gf has me so confused. She isn't really great at communication and I don't know if that's because she doesn't want to be with me anymore or if she just isn't good at it. Well, I do know the answer to that but regardless, I feel like she isn't there. I have stated numerous times that I need to be more affectionate during this reboot. I want to learn how to make love and not porn fuck like I was always used to. I told her that since I can't have sex, I'll use this reboot time to learn 4 play. Learn how to please her without my Dick so once it's back, it's a landslide. And that will truly help me during the rewirkng process. I have done that ONCE in 29 days. I know she probably doesn't believe this will work or either doesn't want to wait. She made a comment the other day like "well they always say the guys like the sex better...nothing about the girl". Now we used to have a good sex life. But porn altered me physically and mentally. I didn't do 4 play. I always skipped any of that in porn. I used to go straight to PIV ACTION. That turned her off after years, I understand. But I'm trying to fix it. Never ONCE has she on her own said, "baby I'm proud of you for making this change" or "I believe in you". When I poured my heart out to her after I found YBOP. I asked her if she wanted to stay or go, she said stay. So I wrote in my journal she was supportive (trying to stay positive, see what I mean) but that's ALL she said. Wow! I just got a text from her JUST NOW that said "happy 29th day baby" with a bunch of heart emojis as I'm writing THIS! Which will lead me right to the point I was making. Maybe I'm over analyzing everything because of this flatline. Like it has hijacked my mood. I have NEVER felt like this. I just wanna scream out "fuck the world and throw something..."
-no random erections anymore. First few weeks I saw progress and then I feel like I just died inside on like day 23/22.
-loss of self confidence. I have been having hella self talks to tell myself your the man, when this just came natural to me.
Blah blah blah

I don't want to keep complaining. This thing is bigger than porn. I find hope in the fact that I KNOW this process works and I'll be a better man on the other side. I need to try and relax some. I took a soak in my hot tub last night and thought about all this stuff. So it wasn't really relaxing. Maybe I should try and talk to her again. Sometimes I feel like I talk to her to much and that makes me not say anything. I don't know! Day 30 tomorrow comrades! We're gonna stay strong and keep pushing! I WILL NOT LOSE!


Last thing:
Haven't had many urges to PMO. There is no going back to P! So I think my brain accepted that day 1. I've probably had urges week 1-2. But now, NONE! Either that or the flatline is just that cold! Lol

 

[remington81]

One thing I forgot mention is that above all the thoughts I have about my gf which could be from my depressed mood, I LOVE her to death. I'd do anything for her and I realized that I might be expecting her to do what I WOULD DO. And that's not fair. I'm rational and just need to stay positive, love her, and embrace the pain!