A Journal of my Journey

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remington81

Member
Day 30!!! First goal hit! I am extremely proud to have met my first goal! I'm a third of the way through to my third goal of 90 days!!! I'm doing it!!

Now onto some good news!

I woke up this morning with Morning wood. I would say this has always happened to me about 70% of the time. Even during my extreme ED episodes. So what's different you might ask? Well first, it was 110% hard. Haven't felt that in a minute. More importantly, the damn thing hung around for Almost 30 mins. I tried to take a morning sh*t and couldn't. Hahaha. At first I was mad, then I rejoiced! What a great "problem" to have! That hasn't happen in ages.

I feel good. I think im out of that flatline! No crazy thoughts about my friends or my gf! I was tripping last night! I thank God she had to work over night and wasn't around to see me acting crazy! Questioning everyone! I'm glad I'm back. My d didn't feel dead today. It didn't feel "alive" I think. But I really wish my gf was here this morning! Man oh man! Lol....

Mood is good! Can wait to see what 40 days will bring. I'm noticing that I've been kind of feening for a O. I want to know what it feels like! I was tempted to try and check but I passed. Want my first time to be with my gf!

You all be safe, and have a great day.
 
R

remington81

Member
Day 31!

Onward to 60....now for the updates:

I have to admit when I first found YBOP I was relieved. But after that I initial high of relief went away, I was skeptical! I thought, what if I go 90 days and this doesn't even give me ANY improvement. Then I decided 90 days would pass regardless! THANK GOD I TOOK THAT ROUTE!

Yesterday I truly, for the first time in a longggggg time, felt what the "super powers" everyone speaks of is about! I had so much confidence from out of no where! I swear to you, women were approaching me at the mall, at my job, everywhere!!! I turned them all down because im faithful, but it was a jolt to my self esteem! I knew I could do ANYTHING I WANTED, since yesterday! I know I'm out the flatline. Funny thing is, I'm so scared to O now because I don't want to go back into that hell! Lmaoooo.....

I have woken up 2 days in a row with MW on 1000%. I used to read guys saying if the wind blew the right way they could have a O during a no fap time period! Well I now know what they mean! I haven't had sex yet though. I'm going to wait another 5-10 days. But I'm almost sure it will function! I felt my libido yesterday. Like, I was amazed! I WILL NEVER WATCH PORN AGAIN!! I'm on cloud 9 and I haven't even had sex yet! Haha

Stick with it fellas! It works. The funny thing is, the more I resist releasing my sexual energy, the more dope things keep happening. Random erections, superpowers, mw, libido...I'm scared if I O I'll lose it all...lmao...I'mma do it soon though. I dont how much longer I can resist not touching my girl. Regardless YALL stay in the fight.
 
R

remington81

Member
Day 32!

I feel good! I had a decent day! I don't expect no fap to make life great. Just be a tool to help make life great! Lol....it's been a crazy 30+ days. I'm excited to see the changes in the next 30.

One observation:
This is NOT. A judgment...but I see a lot of guys talk about relapsing. I think that they haven't gone through enough hell yet. To have PIED (and I know all guys don't have it) is one of the most embarrassing things I have ever experienced! To have the guts to get a hot chick to the house and NOT be able to perform is bullshyt! And that has happened to me on multiple occasions. I'm a handsome and very fit guy. So getting a girl is no problem. These guys need more hell to eventually say NO MORE! FUK a urge. I've had them and I instantly think of why I'm doink this!

Stay strong brothers and remember your "why"! Your reason for quitting P!!!

100
 
T

transit

Member
we have a very similair story. I'am in my day 50 something. i'm 36 i got my high speed internet like when i was 22 or something. ;)

I decided to stop cause i'm going to be an father, maybe next week. I early on told my gf and my mum about my problems. They are both very suportative. I have experienced all kind of withdrawals. Strange pain. Apeteite loss. Anxiety anxiety and more  anxiety. lack of motivation. thank good for pick up food. i got brain fog, fogets Words and so on. Now it's getting better.

it was interesting to read your journal. it was a succes, i was really wondering, is it really true, and bam there came your depression. Everybody have one or two or three or.. well

I used porn to medicate myself, now when i stopped there are so much emotions, i cry a lot. but i like you feels so deeply deeply in love with my gf. A can really feel joy for my mothers work promotions and so on. Everythin is so strong.

lasts night i had my first wet night ever in my life. i showed my gf and we laughed.

well to sum it up, this is really an non linear experience..

stay strong and god luck

My journal, http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=26970.0
 
R

remington81

Member
Transit:

I can relate 1000% brother! I read your journal and it was very similar! The pain in my balls scared the hell out of me! lol...thank God it hasn't come back since like week 2-3....haven't had any flatline symptoms. I've been feeling pretty normal. My D is starting to "wake up". Unfortunately, yesterday my GF decided to have a abortion and had it done. A part of me feels like, a part of her decision was because she doesn't know if she will stay with me for the long run. That's fine, I love her but she doesn't have to stay. It would be great, but I have no control or expectations from anyone but myself. I can only CHOOSE how I would like to react to their actions. This is one of the true reasons I hate porn. I can understand her thoughts though. If I was her, I might have made the same decision. I will always wonder what that little boy/girl would have been. She showed me a pic of the sonogram and I almost broke down! Didn't want her to see me emotional over this again so I just sucked it up. I'm in a good space now. Instead of being mad, I use that experience as motivation to NEVER watch porn again! So my life is dual right now. I'm seeing great process as far as no fap goes, but because of my decisions prior, I'm dealing with the consequences as well. All in all im good. I know that I'm healing and I want our relationship to heal. I truly love her. I don't know if she will ever change her mentality about me, and I don't dwell on it anymore. I'm a GREAT man. I've made mistakes and let porn ruin my sex, but I'm fixing that. I still have so much to offer and this journey has made me stronger. I've seen who my real friends are. I know she didn't support me as much as I would expected. She wasn't negative, she was just silent. Which allowed me to think, she was thinking, whatever I wanted. This silence made me think she didn't care. It was rough early on. Her silence drove me to record her talking to her friend. ONLY because I couldn't get her to tell me how she felt. In the convo, she had a lot to say. How she wasn't happy sexually, it was boring and not sensual (because of how porn excludes all foreplay. Honestly, almost everything she said was true. But she didn't SAY IT TO ME! She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but this was AFTER I admitted to PMO and discussed my problems with her. I decided not to trip. It's not worth it. I'm making great progress. She could have left and she didn't. So I focus on that. That and falling in love again, because we both lost that. I love her, but we don't have that deep in love feeling largely because of our sex life. We used to have GREAT sex, but porn and my decision to substitute her with it destroyed it. I will now put it all back together, and if not with her (though I wish it could and will be) they with another lucky woman! But this is my life and only I run it! So gentlemen, RUN YOUR LIFE!!! That is today's message!
 
goffredo

goffredo

Member
remington81 said:
To have the guts to get a hot chick to the house and NOT be able to perform is bullshyt! And that has happened to me on multiple occasions. I'm a handsome and very fit guy. So getting a girl is no problem.
Click to expand...

Exact same scenario here... and quite frustrating.  While I'm not glad to see someone else suffering through this, there is a certain camaraderie to it, that gives me hope.  Keep your head up and keep your eye on the prize, brother.

Fortunately, all the girls & guys I've been with have been super understanding and don't seem to make a big deal about it.  I guess I attract nice people?  It helps that I've become a bit of an expert with oral, probably because it's my fall-back when my dick doesn't want to work.  When my dick suddenly decides it's done being hard when I've been pounding away at a girl, I simply go down on her; I gave the girl I saw the other night 3 multiple orgasms in a row and she seemed more than content and didn't ask questions.  :)
 
R

remington81

Member
Nice bro!!! I'm trying to get even better at giving her oral! Any tips?

Regardless, I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I think I've realized that it's time to start paying more attention to real life....my real life is so fun now that I don't pay attention to what day I'm on or any of that anymore....I know friday will be 42....because I started on a Friday....but who cares? I'm becoming a better man...

Last night I had my first wet dream in 20 plus years! I don't remember anything from the dream. But I know I was hard as a brick. I felt myself about to O and tried to stop it but I really couldn't. Woke up and saw this shyt everywhere! Lol...it was one of the strongest Os I have ever had but I was half sleep! Lol...I didn't TRY to do this. It just happened. At first I was pissed because I didn't want to O, but then I realized that is the body putting the finishing touches on my healing. I really wanna have sex with my gf! Funny thing is, she has been great lately! I mean showing me a lot of love! It's great! I've been so cool in my zone, and this has brought my confidence back. She is starting to fall back in love with me! I know that....and im falling back in love with her! Without me knowing she hasn't MO in 30 days as well. She told me she wanted to do it with me, made my day. Life in General has just been great! I recommend NOFAP even if you don't have PIED. Women can smell this stuff on you, I swear! stay focused fellas! The future is always better than the past! Everyday without porn we get better at this thing!
 
R

remington81

Member
Day 40!

Or something like that. I've stopped counting as this is a LIFESTYLE for me now! I have no urges to look at any porn of even sex scenes in a movie! Lol

Last night SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED!

Trigger warning:

I was sleep and my gf was laying next to me. The next thing I know, she whispers, "I can't wait to give you oral" (that's the clean version....didn't want to purposely trigger anyone)
Then she started kissing and rubbing my body. 40 or so days ago, I would have been worried if I would get hard and stay hard, but this time was different!
I haven't been touched sexually in so long that it felt so good. My brain overrode the fear circuits and the pleasure ones took over. My gf has always been good at oral, but this was different. I almost had a O in one minute....lol...I stopped her and she continued for another 2 or 3 mins and then I couldn't resist! When I say i felt as if i exploded I mean it! It was unreal! I had a wet dream the night before and I probably would have exploded if that happened!
I feel no chaser effect or none of that. I actually feel better, more confident! She just had that surgery done (baby) so we can't have sex for another week. But I will find out next week how sex goes. I felt like I could have went last night. I was very aroused! It was great....I love her for that! Unreal!

Thank you NO FAP!!!
 
goffredo

goffredo

Member
remington81 said:
Last night SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED!
Click to expand...

Nice work, man! 

My technique for eating pussy - during oral, I've found that gentle finger insertion to massage the g-spot makes some women lose their god damned minds.  Don't just stick it in right when you start, though - wait til she's already pretty excited, maybe 3-5 minutes in, before you pull this trick out of the bag.  Slowly work your hand into position, then give your finger a lick, then slide it in.  Google the approximate location; with some girls, you can actually feel it swell up a tiny bit when they are super excited.  Gentle strokes on the g-spot area, or a light constant pressure in one place, or just pressure / no pressure; girls are different in how they respond so just have fun.  Once she orgasms, leave the pussy alone for about 60 seconds.  Just hang out down there and enjoy the view, don't touch anything because she is super sensitive.  Then after about 60 seconds, veery slowly and gently start licking her V, but not the clit yet.  If she squirms and pulls away, it's too intense so make a mental note to wait 90 seconds next time; wait a short while longer.  Once you start gently tonguing again, she'll get back into it pretty quickly and you can increase the tempo and start hitting the clit; you can ramp the intensity up pretty quickly here.  Typically I get another orgasm #2 out of her in 30-90 seconds after starting.  Then wait patiently again, hang out down there, and even more slowly than the last time, start gently licking again.  Orgasm #3 will come around before you know it, maybe 60 seconds to 2 minutes.  I've found at this point, most women are flushed red all up their chest and neck, panting heavily, unable to focus on anything, and are pretty physically wiped out.  "Holy shit I can't move" is a common response.  For reals.  I've never met a women who wants more after this point.  And in my experience, once well practiced, the technique above works with very consistent results for any woman I've ever been with.

The best thing about this is that now it's my turn, and there are zero concerns about how long I last.  If I'm in the zone, I'm usually hard as diamond at this point and I delightfully roll a condom on and SLOWLY slide it in (because she will still be super sensitive).  This is basically your opportunity to pump and dump, since she is pretty much wiped out.  For those of you who last a long time or have DE, the technique above might yield too much stimulation for a woman truly to enjoy.

Man I'm all worked up, I can't wait to see my girl again.

Have fun!
 
R

remington81

Member
Goffredo,

Thanks for the tips! I will incorporate them ASAP!

So onto my update! It's like day 50 in 2 hrs.  I'm happy about life right now. Things are going great for me professionally and I feel like a man. My relationship has been improving! Only downside is sex. Lol. My gf says she isn't in the mood. I know she just went through the abortion and her hormones are jacked. It's been 2 weeks since then. Almost 3. So I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. I really don't thknk about it a lot. But I've had the thought before. I have to remind myself, she waited for me. But the only difference was, I communicated with her. Every step! She really doesn't talk to me about issues a lot. She is getting better. I see her opening up, which is great! So I'm just going to take it easy. Although when I'm around her, especially at night, I'm super horny! Lol...but I know she loves me and it will all work itself out. So I don't stress.

Waking up every morning with a hard on! It's pretty much 100% every morning now. I know when I actually do have sex, it's going to be amazing! I just can't wait.you guys be safe..
 
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