Time to Get Serious

F

Fallen

Member
"For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." (Romans 7:19)

I'm so sick of this crap. I found out about this website a little over a month ago & have been meaning to join, but having a hard time finding the time. I found the time to look at porn today though, so I guess I had just better do it.

About Me

I'm 30, married with 3 kids 5 & under. I started on internet porn nearly 20 years ago, I'm not sure exactly how old I was, but young enough that the kind of porn I was interested in could have probably gotten my dad arrested if someone had checked the search history. I only decided it was a problem when I became a Christian at 19. At this point it was clear that it was controlling my life. Through prayer & sharing my problem with my girlfriend (now my wife of nearly 8 years), I quit. I read a number of Christian books on the subject & came up with ways to fight it & not make myself vulnerable to temptation.

And after a couple years of things going great, I just sort of stopped trying. I guess I thought I beat it, I didn't really think about the addiction much at all. But I started slipping back into old habits little by little until I realized I was back where I started. Things got worse when I started an office job with my own office about 3 years ago. It's not so simple to avoid situations of temptation when my job demands I use the internet alone for 8h a day. And when I give in I feel like crap, and when I feel like crap I make bad decision, which causes more stress. I always know as I'm giving in, "this isn't worth it, I'm going to hate myself & feel like crap," and then I do it anyway.

My church community knows about my struggle, but I don't have any close friends or anyone who can help keep me accountable. My wife knows I still struggle, but she doesn't know how much I fail & she doesn't want to. I've got to get this back under control because it is taking over my life again.

I could really use an accountability partner. Preferably one who shares my faith in Christ, who understands the power of Christ & his centrality in my life, who can encourage me in light of this. Or someone who doesn't mind talking out this issue in light of the Bible, and who doesn't mind me sharing my beliefs as a part of my journey & encouragement. I'll definitely be praying for you if you're my accountability partner (or if you ask), and I would appreciate someone who will do the same. Because it is so hard to know what a person means by "faith" - even Christian faith - I'll share a little. I'm not sentimental, and I'm generally skeptical of "feelings-focused" spirituality (ie. if the Lord speaks to you daily, I probably don't want to). I'm into apologetics & philosophy in general. I ascribe to the historic creeds, and the Bible is my ultimate authority.

If that's too much to ask, then I guess that's ok, I'll take what I can get. PM me if you would like to help.
 
F

Fallen

Member
Day 2 went pretty well. I didn't have very much difficulty staying focused on work & I didn't really have any triggers except a soft-core type magazine in the bathroom at work (my workplace is classy) was face up (I've been turning it face down), but I managed that one. Still waiting for the first hard fight.

I find a number of situational factors weaken me:

1. Tired - In my job I process a lot of data with a computer, requiring a lot of mental focus. If I'm tired I can find it almost impossible to get any work done. I feel a build up in my chest like it's hard to breathe, then I put work aside to release the stress. It usually starts with facebook or a quick flash game, and before I know it I'm looking where I shouldn't be. I know that I need to get a good sleep if I want to be capable of getting my work done, let alone avoid temptation.

2. Dirty - I usually shower at night, but if I'm too tired I skip it; then I end up going to work feeling dirty. I don't typically shower daily; usually every other day but sometimes longer. I think I need to get this consistent.

3. Stressed - My workload is fluid; what I don't complete generally has to be completed the next day, though there are some tasks I only complete when I'm ahead on the rest. Lately I've been finding it extremely difficult to stay ahead for more than a few days before getting behind for several weeks at a time. It's not the work load; it's the time wasted. I waste more time on non-P related activities, but often those activities lead to P, since procrastination only increases stress.

4. Alone - I have an office in a corner with no windows. Our secretary is next to my office & walks past my door from time to time, but she is gone every day at 3pm & doesn't work Fridays, so there is plenty of alone time. I often feel the urge hit me the moment I am alone.

5. Hungry - Some people can have a light breakfast & go all day. I can't. I can't get down a big breakfast, but I have to eat throughout the day. If I don't bring enough food I will crash toward the end of the day, losing all ability to focus.

These are the main factors that weaken me, and when they combine & I don't make good choices. I'll try to note how I'm doing on keeping these factors at bay as I go. I've decided to go for the 90 day challenge as a start. I still need to check out the videos & read up, but it looks like this is a significant milestone in resetting the chemical dependency. In other words, if I can make it there, I will have more hope that I can keep on.

If you're looking out for me, don't let me get away with posting long posts like this during the workday (or lots of posts), or posting late (I'm pushing it now). Please pray for me.
 
T

tscooter

Member
Alone time is also very tough for me. First thing that comes to my mind is PMO. Usually i start thinking about it just knowing I'll be alone.

Having a specific reason and active reboot plan in place has helped me to say no in those moments. Basically, we have allowed being alone to become a trigger a dopamine hit, just as much as seeing a naked girl walk by. That's where I use this site and the Bible whenever I'm alone now to hopefully create a new association with alone time.

As for the tired, stressed, hungry, dirty times...again I deal with the same exact thing. I feel like one of those circumstances will occur and bring a very tough challenge to stay on track. But again, that's because I've conditioned myself to medicate and escape with porn! Its a disgusting thought
 
F

Fallen

Member
Sometimes when I have a lot of alone time I will play video games to occupy myself; which works in that it keeps me from P, but then I end up thinking, "what have I accomplished?" When I'm doing it for entertainment & I'm not stressed, it's great, but when I'm doing it as an escape from stress or to keep away from P, then it doesn't feel good. There's much less shame, but still not great. I'm sure there are better things to occupy my time.
 
Struggle Within

Struggle Within

Member
Hunger is interesting, I can see that as a trigger too. 

It is weird how when I am PMing I don't feel hungry.  Then after I've binged for 7 hours and PMO'd, I'm starving.  :eek:  Just like people who smoke cigarettes gain weight when they quit because they eat more food.  Addictions cause us to completely neglect the fundamental things we need to survive. 

There is just nothing healthy about it.
 
F

Fallen

Member
I'm feeling the craving right now. It came on suddenly & surprised me. All morning I worked on a difficult time-sensitive project. I was just settling in to tackle my regular workload & it hit me. My chest is tightening & I feel like I have to yawn. I feel like I want to stretch my back & my legs. I just did that but I don't feel any better. Looking at what I have to work on feels overwhelming - it's not that much, or that hard, I just don't feel like I can cope with focusing on anything. My impulses tell me playing a game or browsing the internet (innocently - non-P) will reduce my stress & help me cope, but it's a lie. Once I start I will have a harder time refocusing every time I try until the wasted time will push the stress to the point where I feel like there's only one release that can help.
 
F

Fallen

Member
I'm going to run through my checklist:

Tired - 6h sleep last night, feeling a little tired
Dirty - showered Wed morning, still feeling clean
Stressed - overall, I'm catching up on work, things are good at home, this morning was stressful & I haven't got much done today that I would normally have done by now
Alone - pretty much, as usual - the receptionist leaves for the day in 15 min
Hungry - I feel ok, had my lunch a little late

I need to figure out something I can do at work that doesn't take a long time to fight the craving. I feel it subsiding slightly, but I'm not sure how I'll feel when I turn back to my work, as I am kind of escaping through this right now.
 
F

Fallen

Member
The workday's almost over. Still feeling anxious; hard to focus. I'm fighting through it, getting work done slowly, distracted often...
 
Perseverance

Perseverance

Member
Keep at it bro and you'll get through the anxiety. My head went mental to begin with, it?s crazy. But now, well, everything?s coming alive for the first time in years. Break the pain barrier dude and you'll be flying free 8)
 
F

Fallen

Member
Thanks Perseverence,

That's what I kept telling myself; hold out, it's worth it. Thanks for the encouragement.
 
F

Fallen

Member
I'm changing my goal to 47 days. I know it's an odd number; it coincides with Lent. It's not something we usually do, but my wife wants to do it & is giving up movies (so I get to as well). I wasn't really into the Lent thing, but I think it may help me to not O for a time even during sex, just to get the drug out of my system (also to avoid the chaser affect). We talked it out tonight (man am I ever grateful that she is on my side in this struggle, I think that takes my stress level a few notches down from what it might be if we couldn't communicate about it). Once I hit that date, I think I'll drop the O part from the counter & aim for 90 days.
 
F

Fallen

Member
Day 4 went well. I was pretty busy at work & no anxiety attacks. I found a browser app day planner that I like where I can check off my daily tasks & then they pop up again the next day. This is a good tool for tackling my tasks because if I know I can't get to something I just check it off & I'm like, "great, only 4 items left." I'm hoping it will help me avoid feeling discouraged especially when I'm behind; it's easy to catch up if I'm not discouraged, but when I get discouraged I can really dig myself a hole.

Tired: 7h sleep - good
Dirty: showered in the morning
Stressed: feeling good about not giving in on day 3
Alone: yes, no receptionist on Friday so I was alone in my office all day
Hungry: no problems, plus a good supply of dark chocolate :)

I don't expect any serious problems on the weekend; I'm usually fine on the weekends as I'm busy with my 3 kids and church stuff, etc.
 
F

Fallen

Member
Day 5:

Spent the afternoon playing Axis & Allies with friends from church; had a great time. Feeling anxious tonight. Now that I think about it, I usually feel this way on weekends but I don't get into trouble most of the time because the family is usually around. Even when I have a couple hours to myself, I tend to play video games or debate apologetics, and I don't feel depressed for wasting time. I kind of thought it was tiredness, but I shouldn't be very tired yet, especially having slept in till 8:30 this morning. Hopefully this will pass as I reboot & I will have more relaxed & enjoyable evenings.
 
F

Fallen

Member
I'm just going to post this Psalm today. It came up as my daily reading (nothing special, I'm just reading a Psalm a day right now), and it was also the focus of the Sunday School study this morning. There's so much in this Psalm that I identify with; I think I may try to memorize this one.

Psalm 51 (NASB)
A Contrite Sinner?s Prayer for Pardon.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.
 
F

Fallen

Member
Day 9

I'm still here. Today's been a bit rough. I've been distracted a bit debating apologetics when I should be working. I'm feeling pretty good about how work is going this week, but I've got a major personal wrench thrown in. My wife & I have decided we need to leave our current church. This is mainly due to 2 reasons.

First, we have a serious theological difference with the pastor (and the church buys it). I don't want to be angry every Sunday, and I don't want to start undercutting his authority. I find that I can no longer respect his authority. There are a number of smaller issues; the anti-intellectualism (we just need faith, we don't need to use our brains - including the pastor), the way the pastor interprets Scripture based on hunches he gets... anyway, we need to go.

Secondly, we've been recently exploring the idea of Missional Communities; instead of supporting the consumer driven church model where we come to the church building to consume programs & spend all our time with Christians but have no other friends; where we try to get non-believers to come, and if we fill up the building we feel super spiritual even though nobody knows how to read a Bible without some shiny study aid to tell them which parts to read & study questions guaranteed to avoid controversy & any real learning; instead of all that, the idea is to spend time with those who don't know Jesus, invite them into your home, be friends with them, be available to help them & let them see Jesus in your life. The idea is to have smaller communities of believers sharing their lives & resources & making an actual difference in peoples lives. Instead of trying to support the cost of a big building that we use 1 day a week & a pastor & office staff, we could put all our resources into the people we're trying to reach.

Anyway, I'm ranting now. The point is we're leaving; I've told my pastor all of this & we're going to meet next tuesday to talk about it, so I'm feeling anxiety about that - I have a hard time expressing myself in person & I get really nervous, but it's got to be done. I guess I have a few of those conversations to have with various members.

This is all stressful not really knowing what the future is going to look like. I've been exercising for the past few weeks; I think that's helping. I need to be diligent to keep well rested, clean, etc so I don't slip up. I need to get in the habit of letting go of what I can't control & trusting God to take care of it.
 
F

Fallen

Member
It's probably going to be a hard day. I woke up at 1:30 & couldn't get back to sleep all night. Finally got up at 5 & came to work early. I guess I can leave early, hopefully before I lose my mind.
 
F

Fallen

Member
Day 16

I guess I've been inactive for about a week. That probably looks bad, but I've been ok. I've been pouring a lot of time, energy, & emotion into my church issues. I'm still struggling with anxiety most days. I had a rough day yesterday involving video games as an escape from the anxiety (during work, so not great). I haven't felt like I've had any more really close calls since the first one on week 1.

I was listening to an audio book on the drive home from work today, and the author mentioned the struggle with P. The book isn't on that subject in general; it's about living the way Jesus lived (it's called "Flesh" by Hugh Halter, and I'm really liking it). Anyway, he says when you find yourself looking at a woman lustfully, or at P, don't look away. Instead look closer. Look at the person & think about them as a person. Know that she is someone's daughter, that she has hopes & dreams. Not to shame yourself for thinking that way about her, but to just move beyond it & see her as a beautiful human being. Pray for her. I wouldn't advise whipping out the P to try this out, but it's something to think about. It's definitely a factor that's steered me away from certain types of P (I have 2 daughters).

So I haven't been journalling very regularly, but here's for today:

Tired: yes, couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning, totally mentally exhausted by the end of the day
Dirty: not bad but I could really use a shower tonight
Stressed: yes, still dreading my meeting with my Pastor to discuss why we're leaving his church - moved to this Friday
Alone: didn't really feel alone today
Hungry: managed it: I keep a jar of peanut butter in my office
 
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