Here Goes

[emanedur]

Hi.I am 44,been fapping since I was 15 or so(almost thirty years holy crap)and PMO hard core for I guess the last ten years.I remember when  we finally got the internet,it was only dial up but it was like being in a candy store.Every fantasy that was in my brain I could now finally realise in the "flesh".Then came high speed internet and things were even worse.
I have had a large degree of sexual dysfunction due to antidepressants and as a result I have not made love to my wife properly for many years now which is just sad.We still get each other off but there is no penetration.I recently changed medication to a drug with supposedly no sexual side effects but guess what I still can't get it up enough for sex.
I have always been prone to a bit of performance anxiety and after years of not "doing it" properly my confidence is zero.
After a very unsatisfying PMO last night I felt so depressed I started searching for help and ended up here.God I hope this is the answer to bonerville and it's not because I 'm just a loser which is what I feel like.Not being able to perform is impacting my confidence outside of the bedroom as well as I just don't feel like a real man anymore.Any way today's the day for change.Although I'm not going to tell my wife about my addiction (hey sweetie how was your day,oh by the way I been addicted to porn all our married life and sometimes I'm even looking at naked girls while I'm talking to you) I think I will tell her I think it would be good to have a rest to get the flames of passion burning again.Wish me luck.

 

[Phase2]

Hey man, welcome. You are in the right spot. We are all in this together, and know exactly how you are feeling. First thing to do is educate yourself. Start here. Good luck!

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-question

 

[savingmysoul]

Welcome to the Nation

you have taken a great first step.

read and educate yourself all that you can.

 

[Fappy]

Welcome mate!
Yes, this method is the cure. You will ignite those sexy flames of passion and have a balls-deeply satisfying sex life with your wife!
Just read all you can on this site about it and post regularly!
Everyone here supports you.

Fazz

 

[Curtis]

Hey guy--good to read your post, and liked the "today's the day for change" part...not tomorrow, cuz amazingly, tomorrow never really arrives, does it? There's a lot on this site that's helpful--and like you, I found it when I needed it. There are no coincidences...

 

[ready2go]

Hey Emanedur,
Your post was so moving, and so similar to our stories, its kind of scary.  You've definitely come to the right place and you will find here a group of men all gathered together to recover our lives.  Sometimes it's day by day, sometimes minute by minute.  But you found your way here, and you can do it.  All these men you see here are here to help and be helped by you.  Don't be shy about reading all of our journals, and contributing. You help us by being here with us.  And dude, you are in no way a loser.  Porn is the loser.  You're a guy who is turning the page and moving on with something much better.  You'll see a change in relatively short order, so just hang in here with us.  I spent almost all day every day here the first couple of weeks, and then was able to get back into my life in a way I haven't been in decades.  If I can do it, you surely can.

Good luck.  Stay with us, and we'll be here for you.
All the best, with love
R2G

 

[emanedur]

Well still day one and I have the house to myself.Usually I would have a marathon fapping session planned  but apart from the reboot my heart just isn't in it.I feel a bit flat.I find it weird after all the time of having ed problems that I never really put it down to porn.I always knew it wasn't good to be fapping all the time as that would take away the urge to do it with my wife but I never thought about how normal sex wouldn't excite me compared to the extreme stuff I was watching.I'm so glad I found this place as it has given me hope that I can have sex again like a normal person.
As a side note I deleted tumblr from my tablet.This was my main source of entertainment and although I know I can just as easily get it back, it is a start.
I have been reading some of the success stories here where some can get get hard again from kissing and cuddling.It has been so long since that has happened to me it would honestly mean the world to get that back.Later.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for post so honestly brother. It took a lot of courage to write what you did and I saw a lot of myself in your first post. I wanted to share a few things with you as you start your journey:

1. You are no longer alone. As you can read from the other posts here, this is a community of men and women who are taking back control over their lives. Pornography has taken so much from me and the other members. By posting daily, exchanging with others, and drawing from their strength/knowledge, I learned the tools to beat my porn, masturbation, and orgasm (PMO) addiction. You will too.

2. Knowledge is power: Learn everything you can about PMO addiction. I'd suggest starting with the e-book "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. You will probably go through withdrawal, flatline, and a host of other changes as your brain rebalances. Knowing about these things before they occur will lessen their impact.

3. Build a better brain, not a better boner: You'll soon understand the problem isn't your d*ck, it's your brain. Like others, I had a complete d*ck obsession in early reboot. Just 100+ days ago, I had limp erections and orgasms that were as weak as a dripping tap. I then made the mistake of obsessing about  my d*ck rather than my life. It dawned on me: at my funeral no one is going to talk about my penis. My wife didn't marry my penis. My children never asked me, "How's your d*ck dad?" Yes I was happy to experience morning wood again. Yes I was thrilled to have spontaneous erections again. But the real fulfillment came from being a better man and having a better life. Porn trains us to focus on just the mechanics of erection and orgasm during sex. You'll rediscover that love and intimacy is so much more. In fact, I no longer obsess about my penis and it performs beautifully - and explosively!

So welcome to the nation brother! I'm glad you found us because we can all learn from one another. I look forward to following your journey. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[emanedur]

Thanks Lyon.Reading success stories like yours gives me a lot of hope.I love the part about building a bettet brain,not a better boner ! Well although my counter says otherwise I got through my first day.That in itself is really no biggie as although I seemed to be always maturbating,sometimes twice a day,I have been known to have the occasional day off.Spent last night watching nofap videos on YouTube.Most of them were really informative and many were actually pretty funny.One guy had me in fits and although it is a serious problem we are dealing with it felt good to have a laugh about it.
It was really cool to hear about the benefits some guys are getting from nofap.Some reported more confidence and less social anxiety,both of which I desperately need.If your reading this and have experienced a change in these areas I would love to hear your story.
Lying in bed this morning I was reflecting on my porn use throughout the years and realised that while married I never really used porn to get off until I got the internet.Sure I fantasized or maybe used the occasional hot picture from a vanilla mag but I never had a secret stash.Man the internet can be dangerous in the wrong hands.I still find it hilarious that after years of abusing and degrading myself with porn that I never stopped to realise the effect it would have on my life,sex or otherwise.I can remember a time many years ago when I successfully obstained from fapping for a few months.It was during my church going phase.I can't recall if I was regularly having sex with my wife but I'm sure my sex life was not so much of a mess as it is now.Funnily enough I do remember the day I thought f this and got a load off by myself,thus effective!y making that the last time of any goodness inside of me.I spoke to the wife maybe a year or so back about abstinence to get our sex lives back on track and she thought it was a good idea.My penis had another idea and after a few days I was back to my dirty habits.
Oh well time to go and start the day.I've got a back yard in the middle of it's own reboot and there is crap everywhere and one last tree stump to dig out.Keep strong everyone.

 

[emanedur]

Just had the breifest/sharpest  urge to check out a favourite girl on instagram.She is a model and it took me a long time to track down who she was and it was a huge success for me to find out what her name was,sad I know.Not a porn actress mind just a fashion model from a TV ad.I was thinking how it is kind of sad that I wouldn't get to see her latest photos anymore and it seemed like such a long time! Anyway I was just sitting there reflecting on how it kind of sucked I wouldn't get to see her from now on and I almost  could see myself opening up a new tab and going to her page.Scary stuff

 

[emanedur]

So I told the wife that I had decided to not O for a least thirty days.She was all for it and said she was going to check in with me to see how I am going which I think is a good thing to help me stay accountable.I didn't mention my porn addiction but we certainly focused on the fapping which I had originally no intention of discussing.I was just going to make it a "abstinance for the betterment of our sex life"conversation.I  had kind of forgotten that she was aware that I masturbated.
I told her I would still like to kiss and cuddle,and if she was in the mood I would be there to accomodate her as I really don't think it's fair she had to go without just because I have a problem with porn.It will be interesting to see how that plays out.Maybe I am just asking for trouble but what else can I do.Interesting thing though I went into the discussion positive and up,and although I stayed that way I found my self getting upset and weepy(big baby)talking about some things.I guess that just comes down to shame.Shame that I let things get as bad as they have,shame that I have been a selfish prick thinking only about my own gratification.The dye has been cast.

 

[emanedur]

Had a random thought,instead of rebooting we are almost re-installng.Our operating system,our brain has become so infected that the only way for it to function properly is a clean slate.Stupid but kind of true.Actually Re-Installation Nation has kind of a nice ring to it.

 

[Jimmy James]

It's great that you started the conversation with your wife.  If you wife knows that you masturbate, does she think you do it without porn? Or is it she just doesn't know your are addicted to porn? As your journey continues, you will find the right time to fill her in on the rest of your struggle.  Anyway it sounds like you have recruited a great ally for this battle.

 

[lyon03]

'Re-Installation Nation' sounds like some appliance wharehouse brother. Seriously thanks for sharing my friend. I actually think single rebooters have an easier time with it because they don't have to simultaneously reboot while fixing a long-term relationship. Reboot while married is hard but you sound like you have a very understanding partner. I tried the 'share everything' approach early reboot with mixed results. I personally think its the emotional equivalent of putting a grenade in her hands, pulling the pin, saying 'I'll be back in 60 seconds', and breaking for the door. I think your gradual approach is perfect. Focusing on no 'O' will take the pressure off both of you during intimacy. It gives you a great start on your reboot while at the same time building trust. Sounds like you're on the right path my friend. Eventually to overcome my issues of guilt and shame, I had to come clean about everything but that battle is for another day. Stay strong my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[emanedur]

Cheers for your replies guys,it really helps to know someone is out there.Well I'm on my third day and no urge to PMO.I do feel mega stressed and I'm not sure if it's withdrawal from porn,withdrawal from smoking,work stress or a combination of all three.I have to admit I feel a bit of a mess.Still I am committed to not PMO.At the moment this new way of life feels like I on my way to being a free man someday and it feels like there's a better life waiting for me.
To answer your question Jimmy a part of me tells me no she doesn't know as she's never let on and I've never been caught.But the other part is like how can she not.I always was of the opinion that every body knew that was what the internet was for.Then again that could be just my own perverted mind talking.Stay strong

 

[ready2go]

Hey emanedur,
Three days!  Yes!!  Good job.  You know the ups and downs, stress, anxiety seem to be pretty common from what I've read here.  I know I experience really strange extremes of feeling great and feeling really bad.  It seems to be coming down some on both ends at this point, but this is just to let you know I think most of us have the experience you're going through.  Toughing it out is one thing, but finding some other things to do is really helpful - at least for me.  I took a trip, which was way overdue, and that really helped me.  This weekend I went out to a lake with my dog and just enjoyed the fresh air and quiet, and gentle splashing sounds of the little waves as they broke on the shore.  I seem to be able to lose myself in the sounds of water, and that gives me a break from my overactive mind.  Stick with us man, you'll be well supported and anything you contribute to others is very much appreciated.  Keep going.  You're doing great!

 

[emanedur]

On day four.No urge to PMO what so ever but I'm not getting cocky(no pun intended)because  I know the urge/need could come anytime.I have had a really bad headache the last two days and I just thought it was from work stress.Now I'm wondering if it's a physical withdrawal symptom.If it is, although it's not very nice,I find it fascinating that porn can overtake you that much that it can make you physically ill, just from not watching it.I have, as I said,been pretty stressed and very anxious.I have always suffered from anxiety and as I have changed medication recently I thought maybe history was just repeating itself.Again I'm wondering if it is just withdrawal.I really hope it is.I've read the withdrawl symptom list on YBOP and a few of the threads here but if any body has had similar symptoms please share.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. I suffered from migraines throughout my porn addiction and had some paralysing migraines during reboot. So yes I've experienced something similar. I eventually adopted the adage: pain = healing. Given your age, length of porn addiction, and frequency (I just read your first post) you'll likely have withdrawal but for me it got better after the first month. I'd recommend reading "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson to understand that porn is more addictive than meth. Good luck my kiwi friend and remember: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TimeToLive]

You're doing great, man. The first bit is definitely the most tricky because the habit is so ingrained. It is incredible that porn can cause physical withdrawal symptoms. Amazing. Let it drive you on - get through the wall and keep running towards that light.

 

[Phase2]

Your off to a great start. All the things you have written about sound fairly typical. We all react differently but yes it is amazing how the body throws a hissy fit at the first sign of nofap. I had very strange waves of nausea from day 3 to day 7. I'm sure there have been many times in my life I've gone a few days without M, but this time, it's like my brain KNEW a revolution was in the works and it went into defensive battle mode immediately. So, be prepared for all kinds of stuff. Headaches for sure, too. Once flatline kicks in, you'll have some relief because you won't feel like doing anything sexual. You'll have periods of feeling down too: that's where cold showers really helped me. They are an instant power boost to kickstart back into gear. Try it! Good luck.