my PIED/reboot journal

[neologism]

My libido might be picking up a bit. Sex was on my mind a lot yesterday after I went out to get lunch at the food carts and ran into a buddy of mine who I've played with a couple of times. We exchanged some flirty words and some dirty Facebook messages, and I considered inviting him over this weekend for some rewiring (doesn't that sound so sexy? lol) but decided that would be jumping the gun. So even though nothing came of it, so to speak, it felt kind of nice and energizing to have that interaction. I'm definitely saving it up for the #1 man in my life though. I'll see him in a week, I think I can be a grownup and wait.

I'll admit I found myself going down the YouTube rabbit hole into places I should be avoiding. It started out with watching head and scalp massage videos (I think they're relaxing, is that weird?) but then I started clicking on some more sensual/erotic massage videos that I realized were like a porn substitute, so I had to shut that down. Lite porn, how lame. Kind of funny, though, what you can get away with uploading to YouTube if you call it "educational"!

I woke up with morning wood today that lasted for at least half an hour. I can't remember the last time I'd had long-lasting MW naturally (i.e. without any Viagra still left in my system from the night before). I feel kind of silly announcing my MW like it's some kind of milestone, but I'm rebooting for the better boners and I guess this is a sign that it's working. Hooray for minor successes.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. Addiction is like the carnival game 'whac-a-mole.' You kill the porn, but then switch to Youtube. Kill the Youtube and then its fleshy TV, then Facebook, then Grindr. A screen is a screen and if it's getting you aroused, it's just porn 'lite.' You're doing great my friend to realize this at day 24. It took me over 100 days to realize I went from wasting my life on porn sites, to wasting my life on Youtube (which I haven't watched in 30 days incidentally). Super news about the 30-minute boner and no need to be self-conscious about it. Be proud of your body and mind healing. Imagine how great that erection will be with your boyfriend! Be well my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[neologism]

There's a movie from the 90s called "Happiness" ? it's a bleak black comedy about various ways sexuality can make people miserable. Failed relationships, sexual abuse, pedophilia, etc. It's terrible, I wouldn't recommend it. The final scene is the most memorable: an awkward young boy masturbates for the first time, then comes back into the apartment to announce "I came!" to his confused family gathered around the dining table. The end.

Anyway, it's just a thing that's on my mind when I write about masturbating.

 

[neologism]

I made it to day 30! It's actually been easier than I expected, to be honest. I'm not saying that as a way of bragging about my self discipline or anything, it's just that I haven't felt the crazy ups and downs that a lot of you guys report experiencing. I guess I've been on a mild flatline, maybe call it a low-line.

Wish I had some exciting news to go along with this round-numbered milestone, but it's been more of the same. I think being stressed out with school has kept my mind from being tempted to relapse. Two more days until the end of the quarter! Forty-five more hours actually, I'm down to the wire and struggling to get things finished before deadlines and the clock is ticking.

My boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend, I haven't seen him in three weeks and I really need some cuddle time. Then we'll see how I feel after I get a chance to relax, catch up on my sleep, and hopefully have a few days during spring break when I don't have to worry about doing anything at all. I've been ruminating a bit on steps I'm going to take to improve my work habits when school starts back up in the spring (Procrastination Is Not An Option!) but I'll save that for a later journal entry.

 

[marsturm]

Hi neo, Well done! 30 days is amazing. Just like you, I didn't have a lot of crazy ups and downs during my first phase of rebooting. The trouble started when I gave in to MO, which led to PMO. Everybody's journey is different. You're awesome, keep on going. I'm rooting for you. Happy cuddling!

 

[lapdog]

Congrats, Neo. Keep up the hard work. I'm on day 10 and like you, haven't been struggling too bad with all this. It's definitely a challenge but not something I can't beat. Please keep us updated!

 

[ready2go]

You're really on it there Neo.  Congratulations!!  It sounds like your reboot experience has been very gentle with you.  Nice!  I think it can be a statement about how well in control the rest of your life is and would have been without a big porn soiree.  Or that could be wrong.  Either way, the fact that it can be gentle and not full of roller coaster turns and curves is reassuring.  MW can come and go so don't take any messages from that if it should become intermittent.  I'm observing some guys have a straight through right to the goal experience, others are all over the place and then get to the same place, and yet others seem to have the process go on awhile.  Either way, as long as we're not wasting time on porn, things can only be better.  Keep going dude!!
R2G 

 

[sodonewithit]

Great read so far and I'm finding it rather inspiring as a guy who's about 19 days in and isn't sure whats working or not.

 

[neologism]

I looked at porn. I masturbated to orgasm. Not simultaneously ? but instead of trying to justify a distinction between "PMO" and "P...MO" I'm just going to reset my counter. I'd made it to 40 days.

Last night I let myself fall down the rabbit hole of Tumblr pages and watching a certain genre of YouTube videos that turns my crank. I stopped myself eventually and locked down my website blockers again. Later, while taking a bath, I started stroking my dick to see what it would feel like ? I hadn't done that at all since the beginning of my reboot. It felt good but I wasn't getting hard at all. Nothing. But I couldn't stop. I got out of the bath, grabbed the lube and went at it. I was trying to avoid porn fantasy, but it wasn't until I replayed one of my favorite scenes in my mind that I got off pretty much immediately. While it felt like a release, it wasn't actually very pleasurable. I never did get a full erection.

So this feels like a bit of setback. I've learned that my PIED isn't anywhere near "cured" yet, and the light at the end of the tunnel is farther away than I thought. If there's a silver lining, I guess it's that this was the first time in about a year and a half that I masturbated without simultaneously watching porn videos on my computer or smartphone, and I did it in a different position than I'm conditioned to, so at least that's a little step in the right direction.

 

[Phase2]

It's a struggle man. Don't beat yourself up. Score is You 40, Porn 1. Just get right back up and keep fighting. For me, between Day 35-45 were especially tough because it felt like nothing was happening and there was no progress. It was like I had put myself in self-imposed non sexual isolation and I started to crack--to question what I was doing. Fortunately I stuck it out and a week or so later my horniness finally started to come back and things started to happen--making the struggle worth it. So next time just remember that. There will be doldrums that you just gotta get through.

I think that the release wasn't really pleasurable was a good sign--your brain is starting to change. You are making progress, it just wasn't obvious. Good luck Neo!

 

[neologism]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

It's probably pessimistic of me to call it a "setback." I'm not going to beat myself up about it, feel guilty, or get dramatic ? I'm just disappointed that I stumbled. But I'll just keep going, no big deal.