This is the first entry for a chronicle of my fight against my urges to pay for porn on the Internet. and to spend a lot less time looking at porn. My main issue is webcams. I pay for other porn, too. But webcams have been my "drug of choice" if you will. I've talked about this with my wife, she knows I pay for porn a lot, and that I spend a lot of time looking at it, but she doesn't know that it's webcams. I don't think she'd handle it well. I may tell her at some point, but she has said herself that she doesn't want to know the details. Time to face up to this and change it once and for all. I know I can do it. Every time I have an urge, I'm coming here to write it down, and discuss how it makes me feel. My main trigger I think is boredom, so I'll try to have more things going on to minimize the time I am idle. I don't know how to bring this up to my therapist, though. But I feel like I should. It's important that I always remember that this will get better as long as I'm willing to make it so. I feel anxious right now, and I feel scared, so scared. I worry that my wife will leave me over this. She has handled it well so far, but I know it's hard for her. I know she appreciates my the fact that I'm telling her I feel like I have a problem, but I feel gross anyway. I feel dirty and it kills me. I feel like a dirty pervert, and I'm tired of it. I've done enough ignoring and running away. This is so scary. What if I can't do this? What if I never get better? What if I loose everything I've worked so hard to attain? The unknown is scary right know. It feels up in the air because right now because I don't trust myself fully. Hopefully that will change as time goes on. I hate that I have this problem, and I hate even more that it's webcams that I pay for. Most people think webcams are cheating. I don't know that I agree with this, especially if you don't turn your webcam on. I've always viewed it as porn. I've never thought of the person on the webcam as real, but the same as any other porn person, not real. I think that's enough for now. thanks for reading.
My journey
- Thread starter dumbdumb
- Start date
Hey tbriana01, I totally relate to your posts and the craziness that goes with porn addiction. Its amazing how we often forget about the pain it cause us isn't it.. I think its good that you've written your story down. I find with my own that it's good to keep coming back and using it as a reminder of my own struggles. Anyway as rockit said, its good for us to keep this in the day. If we take care of ourselves today, tomorrow will take care of itself. Easier in small manageable steps I find 
Keep coming back man and welcome to the forums!
Keep coming back man and welcome to the forums!Dude, I'm having such a hard time doing this, and I don't even have a girlfriend or wife and all the shame issues. I have so much respect for what you are doing right now. The fact that you are doing the right thing now WILL pay off for you. You have seriously already became a better man by taking this step. I am rooting for you all the way.
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fightforlife
Guest
Wow, I cannot imagine how going through this with a partner is. I am sorry for you. At least know that you are an inspiration to those who haven?t been in a relationship yet. I want to spare my future partner this pain.
Consider yourself lucky to have such a great wife who is staying true to you in these times of trouble. Sounds to me like you two could make it through if you continue working on yourself.
I think you have made a good first step.
And step by step we will together walk our first mile on this journey.
Consider yourself lucky to have such a great wife who is staying true to you in these times of trouble. Sounds to me like you two could make it through if you continue working on yourself.
I think you have made a good first step.
And step by step we will together walk our first mile on this journey.
i also told my gf after 14 day with no pmo. My withdrawals was so strong so i needed to tell her what was going on. She is taking it very well and are very supportive. She undersstood that it didnt have anything to do with her or any short comings from her side. I also told my mum two hour later.
This gave me an incredibly mental relief. But anxiety and panic attack have hit me really hard. With everything that comes with that.
My an my GF are browsing this forum together and we are reading succes storyies etc. So shes got an idea what i'm facing.
You are early in you reboot and if you encounter more withdrawal you have the chance to be prepared
This gave me an incredibly mental relief. But anxiety and panic attack have hit me really hard. With everything that comes with that.
My an my GF are browsing this forum together and we are reading succes storyies etc. So shes got an idea what i'm facing.
You are early in you reboot and if you encounter more withdrawal you have the chance to be prepared
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fightforlife
Guest
You made it one week!
Keep going, stay close behind. Me and Rockit are gonna give you wind shadow
Keep going, stay close behind. Me and Rockit are gonna give you wind shadow
Today has been a good day so far. Day 8. I think this might be the longest I've ever gone not looking at porn or masturbating. My wife allowed me to kiss her last night. We cuddled, we laughed. We had a good morning, and we kissed each other before I left for work. It's crazy how much I took these little things for granted before. Yesterday I was by myself all day. I started off with a visit to my therapist. I told her everything. She made me feel so much better. I got a haircut, ate at a restaurant by myself (never done that before), and then went on an unsuccessful hunt for a side table for an art project I want to start. I stopped by my mom's and had dinner with her, my sister, and my little nieces. I was out of the house all day. And it felt so good. I wasn't at home, on the computer, looking at porn. I was interacting with the world around me. By myself, confidently. I'm looking forward to the coming days, instead of thinking about how I'm going to be home all day jacking it.
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fightforlife
Guest
Way to go!
I am currently doing the same. Life can be so good, even during the reboot.
I am currently doing the same. Life can be so good, even during the reboot.
fapfreezone
Active Member
A lot of what you say makes it seem like you think a porn addiction is super weird and somehow means that you are defective and I want to say that porn addiction is more common than you think and in the words of YBOP creator Gary Wilson "porn addiction isn't a character flaw".
Specifically, in one of his videos on this site, Gary says that researcher Simon Lajuenesse did a study in 2009 on porn users. Like many academics, he couldn't see any benefit form walking much beyond his front door to recruit subjects, so all the users were in college at the time. Unfortunately he couldn't find a control group because literally all were using porn. This is despite the fact that I heard in another video (I think not on this site) that at any one time, around 50% of college age males are in a relationship.
This shows two things, which are supported by videos on this site
1) When men start, they don't consider it cheating
2) Modern porn is really appealing
I'm not saying that porn use is ok. I'm absolutely saying that it doesn't mix with relationships and due to other effects is even pretty harmful to many single men (in modern form). But I do think that your use is more understandable than you and perhaps your wife give you credit for. Now, I've never had a girlfriend, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I think that if you showed your wife my post instead of making the argument yourself it would sound less defensive and might therefore come across better. Your choice on that one, but either way, don't beat yourself up for something so understandable. Just quit and move on.
Also, good luck with the reboot
EDIT: deleted typo
Specifically, in one of his videos on this site, Gary says that researcher Simon Lajuenesse did a study in 2009 on porn users. Like many academics, he couldn't see any benefit form walking much beyond his front door to recruit subjects, so all the users were in college at the time. Unfortunately he couldn't find a control group because literally all were using porn. This is despite the fact that I heard in another video (I think not on this site) that at any one time, around 50% of college age males are in a relationship.
This shows two things, which are supported by videos on this site
1) When men start, they don't consider it cheating
2) Modern porn is really appealing
I'm not saying that porn use is ok. I'm absolutely saying that it doesn't mix with relationships and due to other effects is even pretty harmful to many single men (in modern form). But I do think that your use is more understandable than you and perhaps your wife give you credit for. Now, I've never had a girlfriend, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I think that if you showed your wife my post instead of making the argument yourself it would sound less defensive and might therefore come across better. Your choice on that one, but either way, don't beat yourself up for something so understandable. Just quit and move on.
Also, good luck with the reboot
EDIT: deleted typo
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fightforlife
Guest
Yes, we?re having a good run and it might be our last one. We might finally reach the finish, so don?t forget about that in your weak moments, keep aim!
The thing fapfreezone said about the control group is really sad. Nearly every young man of my generation is using P. That is sick and in no way defendable. It infects the young brains like a parasite and leeches them like a tick.
But more and more people realize that P is not part of a healthy lifestyle. We follow the pioneers of this movement and will eventually become better human beings.
Let?s not lie to ourselves anymore!
The thing fapfreezone said about the control group is really sad. Nearly every young man of my generation is using P. That is sick and in no way defendable. It infects the young brains like a parasite and leeches them like a tick.
But more and more people realize that P is not part of a healthy lifestyle. We follow the pioneers of this movement and will eventually become better human beings.
Let?s not lie to ourselves anymore!
F
fightforlife
Guest
Good for you!