The beginning and end--A 42yo gay man's struggle to a no-PMO life!

[lapdog]

Hello everyone,

I am a 42 year old successful gay man, partnered to a wonderful man for over a decade, with wedding plans on the horizon. I am also a porn addict. My addiction directly relates to my experiences as a young gay outcast in a small rural and conservative town, where I didn't fit it and struggled tremendously to discover and accept who I am. I didn't come out until my late 20-s, but before that the budding internet and discreet chat rooms were where I could explore my sexuality and remain anonymous. Even after publicly accepting who I was, I was still lured to the online world for comfort, excitement, and titillation. The hookup sites were my place of refuge and fun and I eventually came to spend hours looking for the next big thrill. Luckily, I wasn't one to meet in real time situations, so my personal safety was never in jeopardy; instead, I've spent the last decade chatting with guys, exchanging pornographic images and talking endlessly about imaginary sexual exploits. And just as the literature reads, what thrilled me a few years ago I now find boring and dull. Thus, the cycle of trumping the last fantasy with one more graphic and bizarre grows and grows to the point that my online sexual tastes are not in anyway related to my real life.

Although this cycle has continued unbroken in my life for maybe a dozen years, it has only been within the last few years that I've been conscious about my problem. It has taken me awhile to realize that it's consuming every bit of my being. On the most obvious level, it's destroying my sex life. My partner and I have decent infrequent sex. I am dependent on Viagra and even then it takes me awhile to get things going. My interest in my partner has waned and my insecurity about my performance (which was never a problem for me) has grown so much that I'm always finding excuses why we can't be intimate. And immediately after turning him down for sex, I will log onto the internet and chat and cam and masturbate for hours at a time. This, of course, is a source of great stress for me and I'm now realizing that the addiction is the cause. But I'm also starting to see the larger effects of this addiction and how it is consuming my life. I've always been an intellectually curious person, creative, and happy and jovial. I've noticed that increasingly it's as though I'm living in a fog, disinterested in the beautiful world around me. My attention span has shortened to the degree that I can't focus on anything--instead, I'm constantly reaching for my phone to chat with some anonymous guy looking for a bit of privacy to log online. I am anxious and depressed. I have over the last year made a couple of attempts to stop, none of them lasting for more than a few days or two weeks. I have been disgusted with myself and felt like a failure.

But today I feel differently. I feel like a flawed man but one who has the power to be a great as he wants to be. So today is the beginning of my true journey of recovery. I have deleted all email addressed, picture, and blocked websites. I've struggled with this enough to understand how difficult this will be for me, and I expect to have setbacks. But I'm excited to have taken the step to join this forum and publicly seek guidance, comfort, advice, and camaraderie with other flawed souls who are wrestling with the same struggle. I appreciate any input, advice, and references to helping me reclaim my life and return to my old joyful self.

 

[lyon03]

Welcome brother! There are a number of gay and bisexual men who like me post here regularly. The things you mentioned: erectile dysfunction; the porn fog; dying intimacy; lack of attention span; etc. while tragic are all actually quite common with people suffering from porn addiction. I'd recommend setting some goals, getting a counter (just click one of mine below), and learning everything you can about this addition. A great place to start is with 'Your Brain on Porn' by Gary Wilson. Feel free to reach out via post or private message if I can help in any way. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[Phase2]

Lapdog, you are in the right place. Learn all you can by going to youbrainonporn.com, reading our journals here and watching the vids and radio shows on YBOP. You'll probably want to be open about this with your partner. That can help a lot. Once you understand WHY your dick is not working, you will find it pretty easy to stop. It will work, just get educated and start putting in your days. We all started out at Day 1 just like you. Feel free to ask us questions. Glad you're here!

 

[StevenT]

Welcome, lapdog! I can relate to your story. I also recently decided to give up porn after realizing how badly it was affecting my relationship and ability to have sex with my partner. Good for you for taking this step and putting yourself out there. There are a lot of supportive people on this site who can help. Keep sharing.

 

[lapdog]

Thanks for the welcomes. It's now been almost 24 hours since I posted here and I'm feeling good, although I've variously found myself reaching for my phone or planning time alone at the house to go log onto the computer. That being said, I've made myself a goal of 30 days without porn. It's seemingly a small goal, but the reality is my longest streak porn free has been 2 weeks, so I'll be doubling that. If I can do 30 days then I can certainly do 45 or 60. At this point, I think incremental steps are best for me and achievable goals will make me feel better about this whole process.

I also plan on journaling here semi-daily. I've had some therapy for anxiety-related issues and by far the most helpful thing for coping was regular journaling. So, expect to be hearing from me a lot on this forum.

Again, I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement and am looking forward to sharing this experience together.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to following your journey. If your reboot is anything like mine, you might find the anxiety and depression were because of the porn addiction. I'd read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson to learn about the chemicals that flood our brains during masturbation to screens. Keep posting my friend.

 

[Jijnyasu]

On the most obvious level, it's destroying my sex life. My partner and I have decent infrequent sex. I am dependent on Viagra and even then it takes me awhile to get things going. My interest in my partner has waned and my insecurity about my performance (which was never a problem for me) has grown so much that I'm always finding excuses why we can't be intimate. And immediately after turning him down for sex, I will log onto the internet and chat and cam and masturbate for hours at a time.

This sounds exactly like where I was. It makes you feel terrible. I'd be looking at porn when I had a wife who wanted nothing more than to do "the real thing" with me. I knew it was really messed up, but I preferred the porn to a real, live, flesh and blood woman.

What I can tell you is, you sound like you have your head on straight and know what you need to do. And I can tell you it works. I've been working at this for a bit, and only in the last month, it's become very easy to resist that urge for porn. And that's because I now think how much better it's going to be with my wife. It happened slowly, over time. But you do get everything back on track.

I feel like it was a very slow, dark process until that light started to glow a bit. Once I got the real thing going on a fairly regular basis, things improved quickly. Just hang in there. It seems like you're just gritting your teeth and trying to power through for a long time. But once things start to turn around, it feels like it starts going a lot more quickly. At least that's my experience. And you can't imagine how different your whole life feels when you get there. It puts a cloud over everything, and almost never leaves your mind. Once that is gone, life comes back in, with all it's joy and happiness.

Stick with it!

 

[lapdog]

Day 3....

I can't say that the last two days have been particularly difficult, other than habitually and obsessively reaching for my phone to check grindr or one of my various haunts to see what thrilling image I can obtain or what fantasy talk I can indulge in. I've been sleeping very well and woke up this morning with a semi. I would be encouraged by how seemingly easy these couple of days have been but I know this cycle all too well--great sleep to recover from the exhaustion, a little bit of arousal in my penis, feeling triumphant over my addiction--until the real flatline sets in, which for me is about day 7. My last failed reboot I made it just past the two week mark and while I know these this is not a linear process, I was feeling pretty good by day 14, so I'm hoping this time in two weeks I'll be seeing the same incremental improvements that I have previously.

I'm a bit nervous about weekends. It's usually when I have idle time and the house alone. Particularly Sunday, when I would sometimes spend an entire afternoon hunched over my computer wacking it. Saturday we are having a big party and family is coming in to stay with us, so I'll be busy. But when the house is quiet on Sunday and I'm hungover, it's going to be a real testament to my commitment to quit if I don't fall victim to myself once again. But I don't think I will. Primarily because of this forum. This time feels different because I now have the ability to express myself, share my deep dark secrets, be accepted, and see that I'm just one of many who are going through a similar challenge. I've been spending so much time on this forum, both to help me through this process and give me strength and to overcome it, and I'm also using it to fill my porn void. My commitment to myself is to come here and post when I'm feeling the urge, or feeling down, to help keep myself accountable. I will say that of all the impressive things about YBOP and this forum is how insightful and intelligent the members are. It's been incredibly to read posts by guys who are able to express themselves the way that many of the members do. It's truly a blessing and exciting new dimension to overcoming my addiction.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. Why not turn Sunday into a victory? Drink less Saturday so you won't have a hangover. And perhaps you should plan something so you're not alone. Get out of the house, go exercise, go see a movie etc. Or maybe chat with a sobriety partner? If you're really worried, there are 12-step programmes for porn addiction. I am a member of www.pornaddictsanonymous.org and they run a Sunday meeting (3 p.m. EST). (I never in my life thought I'd be part of a 12-step programme but it's done me a world of good.) I'll be chairing this Sunday's meeting. My point is, meeting or no meeting, we have to be proactive with our addictions. Otherwise they get the best of us time and time again. Be well my friend!

 

[lapdog]

Day 4....

I'm typing this on my cell so if this is nonsensical then that's the reason, not me losing my mind. Although maybe that's on the horizon....

Act sully, last night was a big triumph for me. My partner had to go out of town and I was left alone at home. Usually that meant an endless spectacle of me gorging myself on PMO and grindr. But I was good and filled my time with some chores, cooking, getting ready for our party tomorrow. I finished the night with a couple glasses of wine, some trashy TV (has anyone ever watched "party Down Sputh on CMT? What a wonderful disaster--I think I'd rather be a porn addict than one of those cast members) and almost 9 hours of sleep. It's amazing how the first noticeable result of rebooting is the quality sleep I get. I've acquired the habit of being an insomniac over recent years and I know it's because of my addiction. Not only was I anxious to find alone time for PMO but also my mind wouldn't rest when I was on a binge. I even dreamed about the app and websites nightly. How fucking gross is that.

I'm feeling just ok today. It's not that I have an urge to PMO but feel this enormous void in my life. I'm coming off a pretty serious 2 Week bender so I'm also still exhausted. I even recognize what my addiction does to my brain--focusing enough to even read the paper is a challenge because the habit of looking at my phone every minute or two is so ingrained. The first 5-10 of previous reboots have always been the worst for me so I'll most likely be a happy man by next weekend.

I'll be very busy tomorrow so don't think I'll post. I sure am glad to have this forum and find myself often thinking of my rebooting brothers out there. Hope your weekends are going well and you keep your hands off your willies!

 

[lapdog]

It's late here and I can't sleep. I discovered grindr on my partner's phone tonight. This is not a surprise--I've found it on his phone before and he's found it on mine. Of course it hurts because ideally we like to be monogamous, but being adult gay men these things tend to never be very conservative or traditional. We haven't exactly agreed to be open and we've both expressed a sincere desire to stay off the app. I'm sure you know how difficult this can be. I know he too has a level of addiction, but he doesn't have PIED, that's for sure. The lucky bastard.

Finding that app on his phone has induced a great deal of anxiety in me tonight. Not because I don't feel loved or wanted--I'm very confident in how much I'm love and how sexually attracted my partner is to me. The anxiety is about how out of control this all is. Hom bring on grindr somehow makes my addiction feel valid or justified. If he can do it, then I can do it, that sort of thing. But it's not about him. It's about me. It's about me controlling my life and being the kind of person I want and need to be. It's easier for me to love him for his flaws than for me to love myself for my own.

Strange, this discovery process. When I found it before on his phone I was always glad because hey, I don't have a problem because he's doing. Now I understand the depth of my own problem and it makes me wonder about his. I'm going to make it a few weeks into this reboot or some period of time when I know the darkest time of recovery is over. I want to be able to discuss my own struggle with him from a hindsight perspective. In the meantime I will be the loving and brave man I am.

No porn, no MO, no grindr. Be well my reboot brothers.

 

[lyon03]

Good morning from Europe. I've just read your two posts and thank you for your honesty. I see a lot of what I've been through in your posts my friend. You've got a lot on your plate brother so I wanted to commend your courage. I also wanted to share a few experiences that may be helpful.

1. Screen Addiction: "...focusing enough to even read the paper is a challenge because the habit of looking at my phone every minute or two is so ingrained." Man I've been there! When I timed my attention span in early reboot, I could focus for just 3 minutes before searching for a screen fix. So I had the attention span of a small dog. I weaned myself off of screens in several ways. First, I started reading books again. Reading is the best workout for my brain and it helped me regain a level of concentration. Second, when I reached for my phone, I'd pick up a reboot-related book like, "Your Brain on Porn" to sidestep the screen fix. And finally, I started switching off the internet in my apartment or turning off my phone. I had a life before the internet and was happy to discover that I won't die when offline.

2. Insomnia: I too suffered from insomnia. It's in my family but I compounded the problem by overstimulating my brain through porn and then trashy reality TV before bed. I decided to stop TV completely and no longer watch it. This helped me in several ways. First, I'm now the guy who falls asleep when my head hits the pillow. Bang, I'm out. In the past, I would toss and turn for hours before falling asleep because I'd surf porn all day and then right before bed would watch "Gigolos" or some other porn-like reality show before bed. Second, I now have ritual before bed. I shut off all screens around 10 p.m. Read for about an hour to quiet my brain and then lights out at 11-11:30. I usually wake up exactly 7 hours later without an alarm. And finally, I found great relief in unplugging from television. There is nothing real about TV these days. Even reality TV is staged, botoxed, fake tanned, and pumped up. My point is screens had two negative effects in my life: they made me feel inadequate because I wasn't as perfect as the people on the screen; and it also made me want to spend money to look like the people I saw.

3. Communication: I too have made the Grindr discovery. Mine was more insidious. I had been with my boyfriend for just a few months and was still f*cking everyone I could find. (In addition to a porn addiction, I also had a short-lived but very intense sex addiction.) One day when cruising Grindr, I saw my boyfriend online. Like you I was shocked, embarrassed, and yet reassured. It created this dumb loop, "If he's on Grindr then I have every right to be here as well!" We then had the 'Grindr talk' in December 2013 and both decided we wanted a monogamous relationship. I now find strength in talking about pretty much everything with my boyfriend. It was difficult at first, not unlike getting back into shape after years of being fat. But I now believe that secrets, evasions, and omissions lead to resent. And resent feeds our addiction. So what am I try to say? While difficult, you should tell your partner everything. Grindr is just another form of addiction. We're looking for that 'perfect' hookup when all we get is novelty, lies, and that post-f*ck empty feeling.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread my friend! I guess I had a lot to write. Thanks again for sharing and I hope what I've written is helpful in some way. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.       

 

[lapdog]

Thanls for the words,Lyon. You haven't hijacked my thread at all. I agree with what you say and know from experience that you are right. The great paradox of this whole addiction is that my entire life I've been someone of great control and self-discipline. I used to be a voracious reader and that has largely fallen to the wayside because of the screen addiction. I don't know that I need to give up TV as I'm not that big of a watcher anyway. But this damn phone can be the devil--but only with grindr. Without that app I rarely even glance at my phone--there's no reason. When I'm going through a reboot I'll still have 98% battery power at bedtime. But that deeply ingrained habit is there and every few minutes I find myself thinking, "where's my phone, I need to check it!" Like a smoker reaching for his cigarettes.

You are right on the honesty thing. I fear that I am living with another addict but don't feel ready to tackle his issue along with mine. I suppose it might be better to go through this together and help one another, but right now I'm feeling very selfish about my addiction in that in that I want to think about me and focus on me without any outside noise. I know that I will talk to him but I need a little time in this reboot to start feeling more confident about my journey. Invariably talking to him about this will lead to a discussion about our commitment and love, things that im not practically worried about because our relationship is really good and we have a life together. Right now for me, this is more immediate and deeply personal. I also don't know that he has the ability to look at this as an addiction just yet and I don't have the time or energy to try and help him make that realization until I get some reboot under my belt and can help guide him along. We are a relationship of equals but he's much more rigid and closed than I am. I'm the emotional center of the relationship.

Today is day 5. I only slept a few hours because I was worried about this shit. We're having a big party today so ill be preoccupied and can take a break from thinking about all this heavy stuff! Thank goodness! My dick and balls are feeling better. I can tell they are thankful for the much needed rest the last few days. No morning wood anymore--the flatline is here and I'm ready for it. Feeling better is worth the shrivel dick.

 

[lyon03]

I respect what you've written my friend. As I've learned, there are many ways to reboot and recover. So talk to your husband when you're good and ready. Facing our own addiction is difficult enough bu helping someone else accept his own addiction at the same time may be too much. Enjoy your party and reach out if you feel lonely tomorrow. You're not alone brother.

 

[lapdog]

Day 7....

My counter says I'm nearing day 6, which is probably more accurate if you're counting by the hours, but I'll fudge an 8 hour period or so to make myself feel better. The seven day mark is a good milestone--not as good as 2 weeks or 30 days, and especially not 90 days--but I'll take it!

I had a good weekend. Sundays are usually the biggest challenge for me as I often have the house alone and when caught up in the doldrums of the return to the work week, I used to find relief by cruising around online. But resisting yesterday was relatively easy and I spent my time reading, working out, and doing some work. The flatline has definitely started to set in. My poor member is all shrivelly right now and I had only the vaguest bit of morning wood this morning. But it FEELS better in that it's had a good long week of rest without being jerked and pulled and tugged and yanked endlessly every day. It's kind of weird to focus on the state of your penis but I think it's important to me because it's the most outwardly objective sign of the state of my addiction. I know this will fade once I'm further into the reboot but right now the most immediate concern is my buddy down there.

I'm especially focused on the flatline because my partner has wanted to have sex several times in the last few days but i've quickly turned him away. I don't have a libido and I know that my performance would be embarrassingly bad, so I don't want the additional anxiety of that to compound this rebooting process. I've been delaying having a talk with him about all of this as I've said in previous journal entries, but decided last night to share some of this with him. As I've noted before, I'm confident that he has an addiction problem as well, but he doesn't suffer from PIED (and I'll call him a lucky bastard again!). But even so he clearly has a problem. He asked me last night why I've been shunning him sexually the last week or so and I was very frank and honest with him about my addiction and my goal of rebooting. He admitted openly that he too has a problem and while I don't think he has done the amount of introspection about it that I have, it was a relief to hear him say those words. I didn't drag out the conversation or try to impose my addiction and how I feel about it on him. I just took the opportunity to express how I felt about MYSELF and MY efforts to rid myself of porn and hookup sites. It's important for me maintain the focus on myself for now. Although it's important to have support and help, for me its more important right now to be independent of outside factors. I did tell him that I wanted to be successful at this and it would help if I felt confident that he was giving up those sites. I think that he will make his best effort and I think it's possible that he's not as addicted as I have been. Or maybe not, but that will be his struggle and I will be here to help him when he needs it.

It's so odd how this addiction has changed our lives and our perception of ourselves. We are "traditional" in the way we live our lives and conservative in many respects. The public persona that we project is the exact opposite of the reality of our lives these days. I know that we really and truly want to be monogamous and committed. But this has all made us confront the dark and mysterious aspects of our lives and in turn has made us much more communicative and stronger. It's an odd paradox that something (hooking up from the internet) that would usually destroy other couples have made us love each other more. And in an odd way it's also a great relief to share such a character flaw.

I'm glad to be back on the forum and posting away. Looking forward to day 8!

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly and congratulations on 5-6-7 or however many days. I remember being in awe of anyone with 30+ days, then 60, 90, and couldn't even imagine 100+ days. You'll get there my friend. I think we all share a d*ck obsession: whether before, during or after reboot. Porn focuses on the mighty penis, orgasm etc. and if you're like me, you spent days, months and even years abusing your poor member. So while shrivelled now, you'll enjoy a fuller and healthier penis later in reboot. Moving from skin to sentiments, I really applaud your honesty. It took a lot of courage to so honestly talk to your husband. From what you shared, it sounds as though this helped him be honest about his own porn/sex addictions. That's a huge step. But I agree you should focus on yourself right now. Two people drowning only sink more quickly. We have to disengage, gather strength, and only then help others. Be well my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[StevenT]

Congratulations on the breakthrough with your partner, lapdog! I know from experience that it is difficult to bring it up and there's a feeling of vulnerability in sharing something so intimate. How fortunate that you both have each other for support. Looking forward to hearing more of your journey. Take Care!

 

[lapdog]

Day 8...

Thanks for the kind words, StevenT and lyon!

Feeling good today. Had a great workout this morning and my annual physical with my doctor. I had the lowest blood pressure (on the low end of normal!) that I've had in several years. I am convinced that this is the result of one thing: giving up the PMO. While the last week hasn't been the most enjoyable ride, I do feel a peacefulness that I certainly don't have when I'm binging on porn and it's showing my overall physical well-being. I'm doing pretty well on the mental level too. No libido, just a faint morning wood. Good thing is I'm not finding these things discouraging. In fact, today I'm feeling on top of my game and am starting to see the forest through the trees.

Short post today. Hope everyone is doing well and staying away from their screens.

 

[lapdog]

Day 9....

Wow, I'm almost into the double digits! I've been feeling surprisingly good. Woke up during the night and then again with an erection. Not a complete but I'd say 60% which is very encouraging. Nothing feels as good during the reboot process as when you start getting the morning wood back. It's so satisfying and such a confidence booster.

I'm feeling surprisingly good, which is not how I've felt during previous reboots. I think this journal has gone a long way to reducing a lot of my self-doubt and anxieties. It's weird that the day I signed up on this forum I thought this problem was so overwhelming and all-consuming. I was expecting dark times with uncontrollable cravings to get on grindr or look at porn. While I've certainly had my fair share of those, it just hasn't been that bad. I'm excited to see how well I'm dealing with this a week, a month, a year out.

I've been thinking a lot about how bad I actually was, particularly my last relapse which lasted about 3 weeks. It's crazy to think how sex (porn) was the end-all-be-all in my life, but yet I was a complete nonsexual person. My dick NEVER got hard...and yet I'd spend hours transfixed to the screen playing with my soft penis. Never really getting off but yet unable to simply log off the app and move on with my daily routine. While my career and my personal life were not immediately in jeopardy, I was well down that path.

The void that giving up porn leaves in your life for me has been the hardest part. When I was binging I went to work, the gym, attended social functions--but I was never truly in those moments. And I was always planning on the next opportunity I could have to be alone with my trusty screen. It literally consumed all of my days--and nights too because I couldn't sleep. Now I have all this time to think about other things. I'm lucky because I have a good job and an exciting career and my life is pretty social, so the days have been relatively easy to fill. Without all these things I don't think I'd have done as well as I have these nine days.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for posting brother. I'm glad you're feeling better and are experiencing morning wood again. You mentioned jerking while soft. As you may have already learned from the book "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson or other resources, porn is a brain/dopamine addiction. So you were addicted to stimulation that aroused you, rather than orgasm. Your brain's chemical reaction to ejaculation actually kills the dopamine high which explained why we often feel so empty post-orgasm. If I had to do my reboot over, I'd take advantage of periods of well-being to prepare for heavy withdrawal which for me started around the three week mark. You may not experience withdrawal, however, I'd be prepared by finding a sobriety partner and planning some other coping mechanisms (such as posting here, reading, or exercising) if things 'go dark' so to speak. I don't mean to sound alarmist but am just sharing what I hope someone would have shared with me in early reboot. Hope you are well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.