The beginning and end--A 42yo gay man's struggle to a no-PMO life!

[lapdog]

Thanks for the thoughts, Lyon. I am preparing for the "dark times". There's a reason all my other reboots have failed around week 2-3 and in retrospect I'm assuming it because of the withdrawal. I say retrospect because up until now I haven't been cognizant of my addiction to really understand the process. Journaling serves two purposes: 1) For me to to discuss the present in quantifiable terms--things never seem as bad in the here-and-now when you write them down. But also to 2) give me a vantage point to look back at this entire process. My guess is that on day 21 if I'm feeling really shitty I can look back on my post on day 8 and say, hey, this is temporary, it will pass.

I feel additionally prepared because a couple of years ago I faced a health crisis that included terrible pain in my hands and feet. Long story short, for 2 years I underwent a medical odyssey of doctors appointments and tests, with never a conclusive answer to what was happening to me. I finally began realizing that it was psychological in origin (and looking back now I think it was a direct result of my addiction) and some very smart person turned me on to journaling about my experience. It didn't take but a week or so for my pain and issues to resolve as soon as I started honestly confronting my own psyche with pen and paper. I feel confident that being on this forum and committing to recording my experience will give me the same fortitude and relief as I go through this process.

 

[lapdog]

Day 10....

Had a little bit of morning wood when I woke up. Not something to brag about, but enough of something that it felt good, like I was alive. Today is the first day since I started this journal that I woke up thinking about getting online. I had really crazy dreams last night and I generally feel restless this morning. As I was walking out the door to work, I thought about downloading grindr. I mean, I didn't REALLY consider it, I just thought about how nice it would be to have that to preoccupy me on a day like today when I don't feel productive and feel like some time wasting would be in order. Being tired and wanting to laze around is definitely a trigger for me. That's why Sundays have always been such a problem. I made it to work this morning and feel confident that I will not disappear down the pixellated vortex.

It's starting to rain again here today, which is a disappointment. I've celebrated the sun and warmth of the last few days by taking my dog on a 4 mile walk each day. It was so nice out, that I went shirtless and now have a bit of a tan, which is making me feel sexy. But alas, it's supposed to rain nonstop the next five days, which means gym time instead. Poor dog.

I've also been very interested in the Aaron Schock story and have been reading obsessively about him the last 24 hours. It's amazing that for as bad as I can feel about my own flaws and faults, the Universe delivers someone like Aaron Schock on the front page of the paper to make me realize that eh, my problems are not so bad. Poor guy. I really hope he comes out and deals with whatever demons are clearly destroying his life.

I'm rambling now...see, its a day for procrastination and play....

Be well, brothers.

 

[lapdog]

Day 11...

Well I'm up in the double digits and I've crashed pretty hard the last 24 hours. I'm doing ok emotionally, just a total flatline. Penis is so shrivelled I feel sorry for the little guy (I usually call him a big fella but accuracy is important). I still don't have a desire for porn or hookup sites--in fact, I have no desire for anything sexually at all. My partner is being patient with me but I can tell he's getting insecure about my unwillingness to have sex with him. I'm going to pop a viagra at some point this weekend so that we can be all the way intimate. He needs it and honestly I feel like I need it too. There's so much literature and discussion on here that one has to completely abstain from ANY orgasm, but I can't see how being with my love in real-time can do anything but provide a beneficial rewiring experience. It might drag out my flatline a bit longer, but for me that's a decent price to pay. And while I have been completely and totally flatlined and don't want to have sex, it's amazing how much I've enjoyed touching him and being physical with him. It's like it's all new and exciting again. If only my dick would work!

I'm excited about the weekend and even more excited about my lack of interest in indulging in any porn. I'm hoping that the desire has left me for good. Today it certainly feels like it has.

 

[lyon03]

"...but I can't see how being with my love in real-time can do anything but provide a beneficial rewiring experience. It might drag out my flatline a bit longer, but for me that's a decent price to pay. And while I have been completely and totally flatlined and don't want to have sex, it's amazing how much I've enjoyed touching him and being physical with him. It's like it's all new and exciting again."

What a wonderful thing to write my friend. I'm happy for you. There is no right nor wrong in reboot brother...just the counter ticking higher. If you'd like to continue giving your penis a rest, you can pleasure your partner in other ways like massage, oral, etc. I had sex with my boyfriend during reboot and didn't think twice about the effects. I  actually feel the contact with a real person I loved helped me. But be ready as I often experienced a post-orgasm low which I countered with exercise, posting here, work etc. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lapdog]

Thanks for the comment and support, Lyon.

Day 13....

I didn't post here this weekend because everything is mostly going well. I'm definitely in a flatline but it's not severe. My libido has crashed to the point of being almost nonexistent. I did, however, have sex with my partner on Sunday morning without the help of any ED drugs. When we woke up he was clearly horny and I've been doing my best to dodge having to be sexually intimate with him--we've been doing lots of touching, caressing, holding, cuddling, but nothing sexual--and as I posted earlier, I really felt like I had to give him that. Surprisingly, my dick worked just fine after I got over the initial anxiety of "I'm in a flatline! I have no libido!" It was great sex, a wonderful experience and I'm glad it happened. I will say that during the process I found myself fantasizing about porn. Not completely, but I did find that when I got aroused my mind played a few flashbacks of some porn scenes. It was a little disconcerting but I figured, hey, I'm less than 12 weeks into this, my dick is working great, of course there is going to be some of my addiction residuals in the recesses of my mind.

That being said, yesterday and this morning have been more difficult in terms of resisting PMO. I feel vaguely horny now, although I know that this can't be the case because I'm not aroused and haven't even had morning wood the last few days. Sundays have always been my dark time--usually a little hungover from Saturday night, tired from the weekend, lots of spare time to waste. We live in a small city with a small gay population, but just an hour and a half down the road is a major city that's known as a gay mecca of sorts. Yesterday I had to go to this major city for some work and was so very tempted to download grindr and check it out while I was there. It's such an interesting psychology. In the course of my visit it actually began to seem perfectly logical why it would be ok to download it, that it was just for this short day visit, it would only be one time, it couldn't possibly set my reboot back that much, I'm sure my partner has slipped and got on there, what if there's the hottest guy ever online right now and I could hookup with him?!?!?! etc. etc. But, with relatively little effort I resisted the urge and spent my time in the car scrolling through spotify and creating my own super play list of new music.

I've tried to reboot more than a handful of times in the last couple of years and the two week mark seems to be the point at which my fortitude gives and I indulge in some PMO. And it usually ends up being a real bender, I kind of go into a fugue state. I guess because my penis is rested, and I've been deprived, that when I do give in, it's almost like the first time I ever looked a porn. Huge rushes of dopamine and adrenaline and I just scroll and jerk and edge and do it some more. I'm at that point today, I can tell. My dopamine receptors have been deprived for long enough now and they're screaming "feed me! feed me!" I'm so thankful for yourbrainonporn.com and all the current scientific research available now for those of up who are trying to overcome this thing. Being armed with the science and physiology behind this addiction is such a weapon for me to defeat it. Before, when I reached this point I'd give in because 1) I had no idea of the damage I was doing by engaging in it; and 2) I genuinely thought I was horny and needed relief without realizing that it wasn't that I wasn't horny, but that I was addicted and it was my mind craving that rush, not my balls needing to be drained. So needless to say, while I can tell I'm into a bit of a dark period, I feel pretty confident that I'll resist the urge and trudge forward. I take note of this experience today because I'm interested to see how long this lasts--is it a brief hump and next week I'll be much better? Or will I feel weak and discouraged for a considerable stretch of time.

I'll also mention that while I've been extremely happy the last two weeks, it's come along with a spike in my level anxiety. It's weird because I now have time to focus on things that I totally avoided when I could be distracted with PMO all the time. And this anxiety is primarily focused on my own body. I've always been extremely physically fit and am generally considered handsome enough in the face. Growing old and seeing my body change is a bigger issue to me than I've ever really appreciated. I've known this, but being preoccupied with PMO allowed me to disregard it. That was part of the false joy I found in sending pictures of myself to guys on grindr--it was constant daily reaffirmation to get messages telling me that I was hot, that I had an amazing body, or a nice dick. I kind of knew that part of my urge to be on there was to fulfill this need, but now it's more obvious than ever. I'm 42 years old and my physique is still pretty top notch, I'm getting old. And I hate it. For so many years my identity as a gay man (like many of us) has centered on being a big strapping stud with a great body. I know that this is not sustainable and it's very unsettling when you think your foundation is crumbling away. What's even more remarkable is that since I stopped PMO I'm spending more time in the gym, eating healthier, sleeping better, so if anything, my body is getting even better. And yet without the daily affirmations from all my online and grindr pretend friends, I'm feeling worse about my physical self. I see the gray in my beard, the wrinkles around my eyes, feel the weird way my skin gives, I'm feeling some aches and pains that I've not felt before. I really haven't thought through this aspect of myself and my addiction as clearly as I have in this post. Rereading it sounds so superficial and ridiculous--and I suppose it is. But it's still my issue and it affects me greatly because it goes all the way back when I was that lonely gay boy in a very small rural and conservative town, trying my best to fit in and be a MAN, be a stud. Crazy how your experience from 30+ years ago stay with you and keep affecting your life and mutating in ways that continue to affect you.

And that is mostly why I miss porn and hookup sites. It feels good to understand that.

 

[marsturm]

Hi lapdog, What a touching post. May I say, hopefully without being inappropriate, and forgive me if I am, that your honesty in describing how you see yourself ageing was very sexy. I have similar issues about my body and my masculinity, and real sexiness to me is honesty. That's what I felt when I read your post, and I know that feeling your basis crumbling away sucks. I have to believe that I can be fulfilled, feeling sexy and happy, in a monogamous relationship. This is not about age, and the porn industry tries to trick us into assuming that. I don't mean that you shouldn't strive to be attractive and groomed, but not at the expense of not being intimate with yourself and others by indulging in PMO. Stay strong, my friend, and thanks again for your honesty.

 

[lapdog]

Patrick, thank you for the kind reply. My rule is to never be offended when someone says that I'm being sexy! All that I said was true. Coming to terms with my sexuality occurred almost exclusively online in my early years, and it's always been a haven for me. First it was gay.com and then manhunt. I could chat with guys, get hot pictures, jack off, and get complimented. And while it was certainly a problem back then, it was different because I could only indulge when I was home alone. Grindr and scruff changed the game entirely, so instead of getting lost in a PMO frenzy occasionally, I had an instantaneous and constant dopamine machine in my hands--my cell phone. So while my addiction has been going on for years, it's only been the last few that it's spiraled so out of control. And what's odd is that I rarely hooked up. My activity was mostly just exchanged pictures and getting that thrill and validation. It's weird that my withdrawal is focusing mainly on the lack of validation more than the rush of seeing a hard dick. I feel like my horniness is totally controllable--my sense of self and my aging body is not.

I've been following your thread and know your struggle. Your storm of horniness starts at 21 days--mine at 14. I hope we both make a better stretch of this reboot and make it last indefinitely. I hope you are doing well. I appreciate your humor and wit!

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. I learned something from your post. I too used Grindr for affirmation that I was handsome, sexy, muscular, had a great *ss etc. Question: do you have a plan in place for days 14-16? Is there someone you can call if the urges get too strong? Be well my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lapdog]

Day 14!

Two weeks. It's a small milestone, but big goals are reached by piling up small milestones, so I'll take it. The good news is that I woke up at 4am with some amazing morning wood. It's been so long, it was really encouraging and made me feel very manly. The downside is that I was having a sex dream that was centered on porn and my online life. Clearly, my brain is missing some pixellated images and chatting with my pretend online friends. I woke up super "horny". I put it in air quotes because I don't think I'm horny in the healthy sense of a 42-year old man who is not a PMO addict. I do feel like my libido is certainly and slowly returning back to normal, but the way it wants to express itself is through some online activity instead of with my real-life partner. This urge is not all-consuming or anything and I'm finding it pretty easy to resist. It's just that it's on my mind. I think about it. I think, what if? But I'm enjoying my life too much without it that's it just hasn't had the power over me that it has during previous reboots. I can't tell you what having a rock hard erection does for my ego and self-esteem. It's  better than the validation I get from random strangers online telling me I'm hot.

I originally put 30 days on my ticker, because I thought it was a realistic goal and an ambitious enough one considering all my failed attempts at rebooting; but in my mind it was the 2 week mark that loomed large. And here I am. It seems like both a long time and a very short one. It also feels really good and satisfying. I'm excited to see what 30 days is like and I'm hoping that I'm rocking some serious morning wood and throwing some major erections!

Stay strong, my fellow rebooters!

 

[lyon03]

Congratulations brother! If I could talk to myself at 14 days, I'd say, "Have three back up plans when the porn/sex gremlins start coming back!" Imagine how hot the sex is going to be with your husband when you see him this weekend. Hold on to that thought. True intimacy is a four-course meal whereas PMO, hook up apps, and sexy chats are nothing but a glorified McDonald's drive thru. Be well my friend. GRINDR IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lapdog]

Day 15...

I don't really have much to journal today. I'm starting to feel like my posts are kind of boring and redundant. Better that than reporting that I've slipped into the PMO wormhole. The obligatory penis update: no morning wood, but as of late I've been feeling good down there. My dick feels really alive (although I'm mostly in a flatline), which is a nice and hopeful sensation. It's like I almost forgot what my penis is supposed to feel like without rubbing and yanking and tugging on it all the time. I'm feeling rather sexual the last couple of days. The urge to PMO is certainly there but it's like this distant and vague desire, not powerful enough for me to succumb to it. I think the reason my usual relapses happened around the 14 day mark is because I would start feeling sexual around this time and would interpret that to mean, "it's time to get on grindr or watch vids and jack off!" Thanks goodness my understanding of this process is much better and that energy, that "horniness", I can channel to the real world and most specifically my partner. I have this strong desire to have mindblowing sex with him today. I don't know if my performance would be any good because my penis is feeling relatively lifeless, but it just feels good to feel good. I'm feeling very proud of myself today and confident that despite some potential ups and downs, I'm in control of this thing. There's nothing like feeling like you're healthy inside and out!

 

[marsturm]

Go lapdog!!! It sounds to me you're on the right track and we're right behind you to cheer you on. Stay strong, man.

 

[sodonewithit]

I also felt that alive sensation around 2 weeks and was shocked, mostly at what I had done to myself.  The wife and I "did it" 21 days in and words wouldn't describe it.  While I was sold before I'm now a proud owner of this.

 

[lapdog]

That's great to hear, sodonewithit! Congrats on your recovery and I appreciate the encouraging words.

 

[lapdog]

Day 16?

Wow, I put so much thought the last two weeks on reaching day 14, now that it's past I haven't thought too much about the future. Day 30, here I come!

I really am not too motivated to post today, although there are a couple of developments worth reporting. I was charged and felt strong and powerful yesterday and wanted some real successful intimacy. So I did pop a 1/4 viagra before I got home yesterday evening and had great mindblowing sex with my partner. I took the viagra because I wanted it (the good sex) and wanted to be fully hard without the anxiety. While I'm certainly in a flatline of sorts, I don't have complete dead dick but I do have anxiety about performance. As I've said before, I don't really know how this affects my reboot but I want it and am glad that I've taken the opportunity to make the most of being in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man.

The other thing that happened yesterday was that I got a random text from this really hot younger guy I had chatted with back when I was in full swing on grindr. We had traded pics but because of one reason or another had not hooked up. Anyway, he sent me a text checking in with me and sent me a couple of pictures. I politely replied to his text and told him that I was no longer trading picture or talking dirty via electronic means because I believe that I had developed an addiction and had developed PIED. Oddly enough he replied back that he too believed he was addicted and had struggled to get off PMO. He said that he recently deleted all pics and apps, but was scrolling through his phone and came across my number. I asked if he was having a relapse, and he said "maybe, if that's what you want to call it". The texting fizzled at at that point, but I was proud of myself because: I admitted up front that I had a problem and was working to fix it; AND because he was really hot, which would normally be the most tempting trigger, but I resisted completely and totally and without much effort.

Today I'm not feeling as big and powerful and feel quite drained. Maybe it's because of the sex yesterday. My penis has felt pretty dead and shrivelled, but that's ok, because the sex was so worth it. It will bounce back soon enough!

 

[lapdog]

Day 17...

Feeling pretty good today. Had some nice morning wood and tried to have sex with my partner but he was too fast asleep. It's always encouraging when you wake up with a woody! The desire to get on the app or look up porn is still humming vaguely in the background but it seems like everyday it gets less and less powerful. I sure am liking my life without it and despite occasional urges, it's been relatively easy to give up. I hope it continues to be. Hope everyone is preparing to have a great PMO and fap-free weekend!

 

[KidQuick]

Keep it up. (Pun intended.) I hope it stays relatively easy, but even if those hummings become stronger, you can handle it.

I was very impressed how you handled the grindr guy. Very very impressed. And it's just another reminder that we are not alone. There are so many others dealing with this issue even beyond those that have been lucky enough to find this site. 

 

[Phase2]

Hey lapdog. I haven't been on in a few days but glad to see you are doing well. And super glad about your interaction with the Grindr guy. Almost everyone that I was honest with about PIED and porn really understood what I was going through, and had their own concerns about what all these pixels and porn were doing to them. I was stoked to direct them to yourbrainonporn.com. We are doing a great service to our entire gay community by spreading this word. Wouldn't it be cool if in a few years EVERYONE knew about the dangers of high speed porn? We could all go back to more relaxed, successful sexual interactions with our partners or dates or whomever. It's in our best interest to spread the word. The more people that know, the more guys who are going to be sexually healthy to date. Congrats man!

 

[lapdog]

Day 20....

I sort of slipped up today. I got onto grindr. I'm not going to resent my counter because I only logged on, saw that it was the usual creepers and deleted the app again. I didn't get a thrill and there certainly was no M or O. I'm extremely disappointed by my lack of discipline but I figure since I pulled the reigns in rather quickly it's not enough to fuck up with my reboot. But it is a lesson in the perils of this stuff and how easy it is to slip into the old routine.

I think that part of my slide is a result of the success of the reboot. Or at least partial success. What I mean by this is that I'm feeling really good and am definitely on the verge of being sexually recharged. I'm starting to get semi-regular morning woods and have now had successful sex with my partner a few times. The urge to PMO hasn't really been there, which makes this morning all the more strange--I just was horny. This is going to be the new challenge--now that I'm rebooting and my psychological and physical machinery are working more smoothly, I'm returning to the sexual beast I used to be. Not the one hunched over a computer screen, but the guy that was out and about in the world having real intimate and sexual encounters. It's like waking up from a long slumber--I'm feeling rested and ready to go. The difference is that I have this wiring in my brain that is pulling me towards that fucking app instead of waiting for intuitive sexual encounters from my partner. Today I learned that the first two weeks of my reboot were not the most difficult. The dead dick and lack of libido were doing me a favor. Now that I'm horny and am starting to look for outlets, it's going to be increasingly difficult not to slip into old habits. Honestly, this is the most frightened I've been since I started the reboot. I don't want to fuck this up and I want it to be a lasting accomplishment.

This is even more complicated because my partner and I have a sort of open relationship. I would describe it as "don't ask, don't tell". We're not out whoring around or anything like that, but we have an agreement that as long as there's honesty and respect and as long as we both continually and consistently love each other and show it, then certain things are allowed. That makes this reboot more difficult for me. I want to have good real sexual encounters--primarily with my partner, but open to others. Maybe there is a fine line here. What are the rules? I don't want to have PIED or be addicted to apps or such but I also want to live my life in a way this is happy and healthy. Is being completely and totally monogamous the only option for me? And if it's not, then how do I navigate this addiction while maintaining a healthy and open sex life?

You would think that on the even of 3 weeks with no PMO I'd be more clear headed, but alas...I'm not.....

 

[Phase2]

Great post Lapdog. Glad you deleted the app again. Sounds like you passed that test--definitely not worth resetting your counter.

I hear what you are saying about the apps. I am the same. After 100 days no PMO I decided to get back on Scruff to search for a rewire partner. I feel as if it's back in my head to the point where I check the app 25 times a day to see if I got a message. It's definitely an addiction. Porn seemed to be a boring habit that I was able to stop. But the app--and it's possibility of interaction and sex--is a much harder thing to stop. And it's confusing because I feel like I need to seek our rewiring or sexual partners and this seems to be the only sure way to do it. I'm certainly hoping it's not setting back my progress. I'm not getting hardons, or masturbating or feeling anything sexual during the act of looking at profiles. But it's definitely the 'seeking and searching' that Gary Wilson warns us about.

I think if I had a boyfriend I would be able to delete it and forget about it. In fact, I've done that in the past for years at a time. But when I'm single it is my go to.

Anyway, wish I had some good advice for you, but want you to know you are not the only one struggling with this and I am a couple months ahead of you in this process. Cheers.