FlyPhoenix Journal

[thenickelphoenix]

Hey man.

Funny how quite a few of us are choosing the phoenix as a symbol of trying to overcome this disease.

Your one tough cat.

Reading through this had been an inspiration.

Fly on Phoenix

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks thephoenix, it's really one day at a time at this point, struggling through each new internal and external challenge.

Still clean since 04 Nov, but had a major blowout with my wife. Won't go into detail but I lost my temper and shouted badly.

I think part of me allowing my temper to blow up against my family is that I felt it was one thing that worked. After this weekend, I realised that it doesn't work and I need to actually communicate better, especially when I am unhappy about something that someone has done.

It's scary because it was so easy to just scream my head off and get what I wanted. Now I have to do the hard work. The positive thing is that I can now live in congruence. What I mean is that previously, I would be hot-headed at home, while being very controlled at work.

Now, I have to maintain control in all areas of my life. I spoke to a friend who really put things into good perspective.

Anyway, last day tomorrow before holidays.  Not sure if I'll post again, will be on the road. Praying for a stress-free holiday, good rest and for safety for me and my family. Wishing you guys a great holiday period, good health and strength in your recovery.

 

[HumbleRich]

Hey Fly,

That all.sounds good.  And definitely stop social media use.  That stuff is addictive on its own.  Definitely apologize  to your wife and try to rebuild  with her .  We are trying to be better people here .

Rich

 

[FlyPhoenix]

It took time, but we are on better terms. I really need to watch my temper, it just ruins everything.

I discovered that it extends to a broader lack of control of my passions and pleasures, like going on social media. Found a handy little plugin called Work Mode on Chrome Store. I can activate and deactivate it any time I want, but the message that pops up telling me to "Go back to work!" is jarring and useful.

I acted out on 13 June for three days, escort sites and P sites, facebook profiles and instagram. I realised that I am allowing myself too much surfing time, not enough of working on my school work, work-work, personal admin or conscious intentional entertainment.

The things I actually really want to watch, I end up not even being able to focus on because my brain is so conditioned to those short clips on social media and youtube, those constant suggestions.

So, I've gone distraction free on my browser, which I'll keep you posted how it will work. I don't feel the pressure of wanting to bypass the system.

Things are a bit quiet at work and one of our founders is leaving, which is creating a bit of tension in the office, a really good guy and a pillar of strength to everyone. I already feel the vacuum.

Feeling afraid about my career, as I've gotten so used to idling on social media, to the detriment of my work and even my relationships and ability to socialise with my friends.

I'll keep on fighting, using whatever tools I can apply. I'll keep praying to God, and expose myself to positive content.

Be strong guys, I believe it's possible to gain victory over this addiction.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Still haven't acted out, which makes it 17 days.
Had a family therapy session, which was very productive and showed me how the things I assume to be normal are actually quite harmful, especially when someone is not used to them.
I was raised with corporal punishment and sometimes I'd be beaten for something I didn't do by my father. The worst wasn't the physical violence, but the emotional "abuse". It was a combination of constantly being shouted at and being emotionally neglected.
Today, I have to work extra hard to ensure that I don't repeat those trends, even with my baby, but most immediately with my son who is becoming a teenager.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

So I slipped up on the weekend and PMO'd. Haven't been sleeping well and been stressed with studies. My relationship hass been under strain with my wife who has gone through her own challenges, which she is trying to heal. I'm giving her a lot of advice about these issues, which I won't go into details her as it is her story to tell, but this giving of advice is out of self interest (I don't want to lose the marriage and have the kids split up, from each other or from us), but I also am struggling to support my won recover.

Temptation from digital media is a constant battle, deleted game from my phone, which helps manage the compulsive nature of smart phones. Want to watch a full movie and study properly.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Been clean for a week, but been struggling with anger and rage in my heart, especially towards my wife who did something that deeply violated my trust. She didn't cheat or anything but she lied to me about something important.

I keep bashing her emotional for it and criticising her. I react with disdain when she tries to smile or laugh, as I wonder how she can be so lighthearted after breaking my trust so much. I am very resentful, and fearful that the negativity is building to a higher level than every before.

I am bitter that she doesn't want to do anything to correct her patterns that led to this event and instead wants to just indulge her own desires as before. I am pissed off because I am under pressure with assignments and work and all sorts of other things, while she just wants to sleep and go to the movies.

I focus on her negative traits and as hard as I try, do not  see her positives clearly. Yesterday we had a shouting match and my little daughter seemed scared for real when she saw us going at it. I fear that my negativity has pushed her to do the thing that she did.

I fear that I will lose my marriage, that I won't be able to help my wife as she goes through her struggles. I fear that she is affecting me through her issues and that we are losing contact with God, we have stopped going to church and it shows.

I fear that I will be single again, and be tempted to go back into relapse, use drugs again and sleep with hookers again. Even if I don't do those things, I fear that this dynamic will have a negative impact on my daughter, that I won't be able to provide for her as she deserves.

Furthermore, I fear that I will not develop my career in a way that grows me, financially and in terms of my status in my industry/community. I fear that I will always have to beg for what I receive and that I will continue to allow people to exploit me, abuse me and take advantage of me. I fear that some disaster will take away everything of value in my life, and eject me from the good life I see so many others enjoying.

I spend too much time on the Internet, watching videos, looking at Instagram posts, and YouTube videos. I procrastinate too much and rarely do I initiate things proactively. I allow myself to coast through my days and don't really push myself or my dreams, letting them gather dust.

Only at the last minute and when I am compelled do I do things that are on my to-do list. It all affects my self-esteem and my ability to talk to people with confidence, leading to social anxiety.

Hence, I resent that my wife finds it so easy to go out and socialise, and she even desires it. I resent her and criticise her for the money she spends on these outings and find reasons that she shouldn't do these things. I force myself to encourage her to go out.

My recovery is not in a good space today. I am sad, because I have created a lot of tension in the house, I went overboard with the criticism. I want to attend a 12 step meeting tonight, and should have attended one on the weekend. I just pray that I haven't done too much damage to my family, and pray that we can heal and go forward in strength.

Take care guys, find strength and keep pushing forward..

 

[Loving_Mary]

Been clean for a week, but been struggling with anger and rage in my heart, especially towards my wife who did something that deeply violated my trust. She didn't cheat or anything but she lied to me about something important.

I keep bashing her emotional for it and criticising her. I react with disdain when she tries to smile or laugh, as I wonder how she can be so lighthearted after breaking my trust so much. I am very resentful, and fearful that the negativity is building to a higher level than every before.

I am bitter that she doesn't want to do anything to correct her patterns that led to this event and instead wants to just indulge her own desires as before. I am pissed off because I am under pressure with assignments and work and all sorts of other things, while she just wants to sleep and go to the movies.

I focus on her negative traits and as hard as I try, do not  see her positives clearly. Yesterday we had a shouting match and my little daughter seemed scared for real when she saw us going at it. I fear that my negativity has pushed her to do the thing that she did.

I fear that I will lose my marriage, that I won't be able to help my wife as she goes through her struggles. I fear that she is affecting me through her issues and that we are losing contact with God, we have stopped going to church and it shows.

I fear that I will be single again, and be tempted to go back into relapse, use drugs again and sleep with hookers again. Even if I don't do those things, I fear that this dynamic will have a negative impact on my daughter, that I won't be able to provide for her as she deserves.

Furthermore, I fear that I will not develop my career in a way that grows me, financially and in terms of my status in my industry/community. I fear that I will always have to beg for what I receive and that I will continue to allow people to exploit me, abuse me and take advantage of me. I fear that some disaster will take away everything of value in my life, and eject me from the good life I see so many others enjoying.

I spend too much time on the Internet, watching videos, looking at Instagram posts, and YouTube videos. I procrastinate too much and rarely do I initiate things proactively. I allow myself to coast through my days and don't really push myself or my dreams, letting them gather dust.

Only at the last minute and when I am compelled do I do things that are on my to-do list. It all affects my self-esteem and my ability to talk to people with confidence, leading to social anxiety.

Hence, I resent that my wife finds it so easy to go out and socialise, and she even desires it. I resent her and criticise her for the money she spends on these outings and find reasons that she shouldn't do these things. I force myself to encourage her to go out.

My recovery is not in a good space today. I am sad, because I have created a lot of tension in the house, I went overboard with the criticism. I want to attend a 12 step meeting tonight, and should have attended one on the weekend. I just pray that I haven't done too much damage to my family, and pray that we can heal and go forward in strength.

Take care guys, find strength and keep pushing forward..

Hi Fly I'm sorry your marriage isn't in its best moment.

Maybe a couple councellor would provide with some useful tools.

What I'm sure about is that what you fear won't go away if you spend too much time on the internet; it probably will get bigger.

Cheers

 

[HumbleRich]

Loving Mary, as long as there is love and passion in the relationship (potential or enacted) it can always be fixed.  I know  what it is like to feel resentment.  But try to get passed it.  Stephen Covey said that love is a verb first, a feeling second.  I hope this helps.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks for the support guys. To be honest, I have to really deal with my anger issues and finally get rid of my P use for good. I cannot even afford to have it around as an option. I can't speak for my wife, at least not on this platform, but we are getting help.

 

[J01]

I lifted you up in prayer this morning friend.  Keep up the fight, a wife and child are worth it.  Remember, where "you are" in the journey is important, but so is direction, i.e, are we moving forward.  Go forward today-let tomorrow worry about itself.  Stay with this forum friend.   

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I lifted you up in prayer this morning friend.  Keep up the fight, a wife and child are worth it.  Remember, where "you are" in the journey is important, but so is direction, i.e, are we moving forward.  Go forward today-let tomorrow worry about itself.  Stay with this forum friend. 

Thank you so much jixu, you don't know how much that means to me.

I am taking steps back and preparing myself to pick up doing my steps again, this time thoroughly for my P addiction. I admit that I have a lot of resistance to doing so because I know how taxing it is emotionally. It is a huge time investment and there is the fear that it might not work at all.

Also, I am badly addicted to the Internet and social media, and I am not sure how willing I am to let go of it.

The combination of my personal family crisis and the addiction to P and Internet has left me feeling very anxious throughout and I feel like just giving up.

I am praying for strength today. Amen.

 

[J01]

Check back in friend, rain or shine.  Keep up the fight-you know it is worth it.  Lifted you up again this morning.  You are not alone in the struggle.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hi all,
@juixu thanks for the prayers they mean a lot.

Today I am grateful for second chances, for the sun, for the clean air. Although I live in a (relatively) large city, we are blessed with lots of trees where I stay. So, while there is a freeway nearby, the air is bearable. Not as good as in the rural sections of our country, but definitely better than a lot of other places.

I am grateful for my mother, father, my wife, my daughter, son, nephew, and my whole extended family. They really mean a lot to me, as they are there for me in difficult times.

I have been struggling with school work, I feel like I might have bit off more than I could chew this time, praying for strength and focus. I feel guilty that I haven't put as much work as I should have, and I spend a good amount of money of registration and tuition fees, which I could have used to benefit my family or invested elsewhere.

I can't continue to blame my wife for "not supporting" my studies, because I need to first be the one who supports my studies before I can expected someone else to support them. Same with my recovery and every other area of my development.

Hoping you are all good, will make a bigger effort to check in daily.

Take care all, odaat..
Fly

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Things came to a head last night. My wife confronted me about my porn use, which was a good thing because we had a heart-to-heart about a lot of things. Feeling hopeful about life, need to focus on my recovery and my mental health. Hope you guys are great, keep pushing, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Focusing on meetings, writing in my journal and speaking to my sponsor. Working out so far, thankful to God for each day.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Still clean, been tested by life's circumstances, but by the grace of my  higher power, I am clean.

Hope everyone is well on this forum and in the real world. I have seen a lot of cases in the media of people harming and abusing others, a lot of it sexually motivated. I think the fact that this problem is so hidden and still very taboo to talk about, keeps men from getting the help they need and they end up doing things that harm others, land them in jail or worse.

Sending a prayer of healing out into the world, for myself and for good people who deserve a better life, especially children.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Still clean, been tested by life's circumstances, but by the grace of my  higher power, I am clean.

Hope everyone is well on this forum and in the real world. I have seen a lot of cases in the media of people harming and abusing others, a lot of it sexually motivated. I think the fact that this problem is so hidden and still very taboo to talk about, keeps men from getting the help they need and they end up doing things that harm others, land them in jail or worse.

Sending a prayer of healing out into the world, for myself and for good people who deserve a better life, especially children.

Hi Fly long time no talk.

Congratulations for being clean.

Just wanted to say that you're still in my prayers.

Peace