Been clean for a week, but been struggling with anger and rage in my heart, especially towards my wife who did something that deeply violated my trust. She didn't cheat or anything but she lied to me about something important.
I keep bashing her emotional for it and criticising her. I react with disdain when she tries to smile or laugh, as I wonder how she can be so lighthearted after breaking my trust so much. I am very resentful, and fearful that the negativity is building to a higher level than every before.
I am bitter that she doesn't want to do anything to correct her patterns that led to this event and instead wants to just indulge her own desires as before. I am pissed off because I am under pressure with assignments and work and all sorts of other things, while she just wants to sleep and go to the movies.
I focus on her negative traits and as hard as I try, do not see her positives clearly. Yesterday we had a shouting match and my little daughter seemed scared for real when she saw us going at it. I fear that my negativity has pushed her to do the thing that she did.
I fear that I will lose my marriage, that I won't be able to help my wife as she goes through her struggles. I fear that she is affecting me through her issues and that we are losing contact with God, we have stopped going to church and it shows.
I fear that I will be single again, and be tempted to go back into relapse, use drugs again and sleep with hookers again. Even if I don't do those things, I fear that this dynamic will have a negative impact on my daughter, that I won't be able to provide for her as she deserves.
Furthermore, I fear that I will not develop my career in a way that grows me, financially and in terms of my status in my industry/community. I fear that I will always have to beg for what I receive and that I will continue to allow people to exploit me, abuse me and take advantage of me. I fear that some disaster will take away everything of value in my life, and eject me from the good life I see so many others enjoying.
I spend too much time on the Internet, watching videos, looking at Instagram posts, and YouTube videos. I procrastinate too much and rarely do I initiate things proactively. I allow myself to coast through my days and don't really push myself or my dreams, letting them gather dust.
Only at the last minute and when I am compelled do I do things that are on my to-do list. It all affects my self-esteem and my ability to talk to people with confidence, leading to social anxiety.
Hence, I resent that my wife finds it so easy to go out and socialise, and she even desires it. I resent her and criticise her for the money she spends on these outings and find reasons that she shouldn't do these things. I force myself to encourage her to go out.
My recovery is not in a good space today. I am sad, because I have created a lot of tension in the house, I went overboard with the criticism. I want to attend a 12 step meeting tonight, and should have attended one on the weekend. I just pray that I haven't done too much damage to my family, and pray that we can heal and go forward in strength.
Take care guys, find strength and keep pushing forward..