A new beginning..

[DwnNz]

Hi all.
  This is the beginning of my journal. Ill start off by posting my first post on this site.

"Where to start.
    I have been addicted to porn for Im guessing, well over 30yrs.  It all started with a VHS tape I found hidden in our house. Then a friends dads stash of mags. I remember when the WWF first hit TV in New Zealand, they had a full sized colour picture of each wrestler in the back of the news paper, I dont think they realized, that on the back of that was all of their porn/adult advertising, so at 10 I had it on my wall. Joining the military and having my own room, deploying and being away for months and still having/finding something. Then the internet!!! It was always there. Taking away from me. For 27yrs I never knew it was a problem, never knew it had caused the failure of every relationship I have ever had. Until I met my wife, who knew something was wrong early on, but couldn't put her finger on it. Once she did, after catching me out and nearly ending it. I thought I could get it under control. After all, its only porn right? For the first few months to a year I did really well. After about 3 weeks, for the first time in over a year, I orgasm'd during sex. I felt great!! So I felt like I deserved a reward... Yep, back at it. Early the next year we got married and I thought that would be the key to me kicking it. I got software which has been awesome and started to do better. But I would always back slide. Always find a way.

A month ago I developed some bumps in places that shouldn't have bumps. I got tested and I told my wife the results (which came back positive). What little trust she had left was now gone.

Now I'm almost 41yrs old, live far away from my family, I have no children (because of this) and am about to be divorced from the only woman who has ever believed in me..

This morning I put a gun to my head, but couldn't pull the trigger."

I'm in the US and moved here from NZ to be with my wife whom I love dearly. Because of this all my friends and family (on my side) are all back there. I don't really have anyone to turn to for help (in person). Ive dealt with depression (undiagnosed) for the past 3 years, since I learned what my problem was, because I cant beat it (no pun intended) and its been tearing away at my relationship since the beginning. Since my wife figured out what was causing basically every problem in our relationship, I have been making slow steps forward. I'm a lot better than I used to be, at least once a day (often a lot more) and now down to once or twice a week. Last month I even went 3 weeks without. But then went backwards. The sad part is, I didn't enjoy ANY part of acting out, yet I still did it!? WTF!! I have serious intimacy issues when it comes to my sex life. I cant make love to my wife without the lights off, which I now think is because of the shame I feel and cant look her in the face. Low drive, Low T and well, low everything.

I think with everything that has happened over the past week, I have realized that I can do this. The thought of it repulses me (though I know it can/will creep back). I don't want this in my life. I don't want this in our lives. It has taken so much from me that I fear there is not much left. I want to be the man I know she had seen in me and the man I know I can be.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

This is, my "Official" Reboot.

 

[Blue Bird]

Dear Dw -

I listen your story. I feel it has been very difficult for you. The decision to stay alive is a smart decision. Good for you and for all of us that have you here.  It is my belief that we come to this world to have experiences that will be a basis for our next phase. I true believe we have the eternity.  Since the last 25 years I have been meditating about the experiences that I have in this life and how to take the most advantage of them.  I invite you to meditate about your experiences and always consider them in a positive way.  Bad experiences tend to be the tool to teach us not to do it again or to do it in a different way.    You told us you are far away from friends and family.  Humans need to socialize to have equilibrium and be happy. We also know it is difficult sometimes due to the movements we do in our life.  Although in this community we are very virtual and no one has face to face contact, we have real hearts, real feelings and care much for each other and accept with humbleness our friends' difficulties. I invite you to think about opening up to us your box of difficulties. Many people feel relieved when writing down their feelings, fears and secrets and for them it works as a clarification of ideas to focus in a solution. When the problem is fully exposed it is easier to deal with it. It also works for me. We also have privacy of the forum that is so important for all of us in our external life. Many of our friend's difficulties are not different from ours. We unintentionally give and receive as twice back. Welcome to our group and do not forget that there are people here deplenished of criticism and willing to help you on these difficult moments. Man, I wish you peace and serenity.
Best regards.
Blue Bird.

 

[fcjl8]

Dear DwnNz,

Please believe this. You can recover from this addiction. It is something very positive that can help you in many areas of your life that you describe.

The person you see yourself as when using PMO is not the real you. I think deep inside you know this from what you have written.

You are a young man... 41 years young. I did not face my addiction until about 49 and at 52 am making steady progress.

You can become your true self for your wife, it is never too late. I think many of us here have had similar feelings, not to minimize what you are going through.

I agree with BlueBird , lean on the group here at RN.

Much Peace,
Paul

 

[DwnNz]

I'm in a bad place right now. I edited my first post as I had said that I had never strayed. I did and because of this I believe I am about to be divorced by my wife who has only ever stood by me, loved me and tried to help fix the wrongs in my life so that our lives together can be as great as she had imagined. If porn wasn't in my life I believe they could have been. We could have had a fairytale life. I love her, miss her, but don't deserve her.
I have known I was addicted to porn for 3yrs. She had tried to help, to get me help and stood by me the entire time. Looking back I guess I had only given 90% of myself to this. That last 10% clinging on in the background, keeping porn right there, waiting for a chance... waiting... which I always let it find. I didn't give my 100%.
Last night I told my wife what I had done. I'm NOT trying to make an excuse. When I did act out, it was like an out of body experience, as if I wasn't even there. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO IT. But I did. I caught myself early in the event and left, but it was not early enough.
I went to my therapy meeting and told the group. Afterwards I handed over my CCW weapon and had someone pick up the pistol that I had set aside at my hotel to finish the job.

My life has gone to hell and it is all 100% my fault.

I feel numb.

 

[Mojo]

Good Morning DwnNZ, from what I've come to understand it sometimes takes hitting your rock bottom before you can get inspiration to make the changes that are the hardest.  One things I have found helpful is realizing you can not do anything to change the past.  It is best not to devote your energy to dwelling on it or beating yourself up over your digression, that energy is much more useful in learning from your mistake.

I think that you have made a big step in admitting that you strayed, honesty needs to be a big part of how you deal with the fallout.

 

[DwnNz]

Its now been 10 days since we have separated and I am in my own personal Hell. Everything I see in everything I do, I see her. Its all the small things. I went for a run and almost broke down when I saw someone playing with her son in their yard. I went into the grocery store and again almost lost it, because that's where we used to go shopping together. I cant even go into public as I think everyone is looking at me, know what a shitty person I am and what Ive done. I lied to the only people in this world I care about and deserve all of it. I havent spoken to anyone in person in 3 days, since my group meeting. The only place I feel safe (ish) is hiding in my hotel room. My best friend, whom I lied to about not cheating (whom I have since told, via a message) has not replied to my messages since then. I AM ALONE.

The thing is, I have been able to see the things I wanted to do with my wife, how I really wanted to be, how affectionate I felt and wanted to show her. But I learned I was hiding to much, feeling too much shame. It kept my true self from coming through. I would hide behind doing everything I could around the house, for everyone. Trying to justify to them (and to myself) that I was a good person. Fixing everything that was broken... Except for ME! I haven't cried so much in my entire life.

I have had zero urges to act out, the thought would pop in every now and then, trying to justify itself, but I get rid of it pretty easily. I know it wont be that easy all the time. But I know full well, that is what got me in this position and I want it OUT of my life!!

This is all my fault.

Its also been 10 days since Ive eaten.

 

[Mojo]

DwnNz, please take care of your basic needs for survival for food, water and rest.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

DwnNz, you wrote "I AM ALONE".  But you are not alone. Just keep talking. We will keep listening. We will help you see some sunlight again.
First, shave and take a shower, get dressed in clean clothes, walk outside and feel the fresh air. Breathe. Focus today on the daunting task of forgiving yourself.
Like the rest of us here, wanting to help, you are human, frail, damaged, and the pain of it all hurts. Yep, just like me and most everybody here you unintentionally stumbled into a dark world you didn't know existed. Then it spiraled down and down down. Crash. The bottom! You're there friend!
Now, with the knowledge that you have found rock bottom it is time to begin the search for the sun and the air and let your eyes see images that are real. Eat real food. Taste it. Savor it. Drink water. Lots and lots of water.
Begin today, right now, forgiving yourself! You can! Start walking back up the hill and search for that guy you left behind when you got into the porn hoax. He's waiting for you to come back. He will wait until you work, hope, and trust yourself and your supporters here at Reboot  enough to get back to where he waits. 
Work it man. Believe it. You can get there. You may feel lonely but you are not alone.
Stay here...and keep talking

 

[DwnNz]

Day 12 apart and its hurting sooo much.
      Thank you all for your replies. They have been a huge help. I am still in that dark place, but I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope its the right tunnel. (I put that as a FB status). Im only staying on FB because its my only contact with home. Otherwise Id be quite prepard to give it up. I honestly dont think I can even contemplate forgiving myself, not for a while at least. I HAVE hurt my wife and it was MY fault. So I think I deserve to feel this way. But I do agree with you Wanttobebetter, getting outside has helped. I work outside on construction equipment repairs, so different environments help keep my mind occupied. Ive also gotten back into running, only short runs, but I do feel better after. I have also had a lot of people reach out to me, some via FB and some over the phone, but it has helped. The thing is, I have shared my story of porn addiction with all of them!! Its almost like I want people to know (within reason). Like because people know, its not a secret, so the hiding part has been lifted.
      I was also offered a promotion yesterday but turned it down, as it would mean 3-4hrs a day in front of a computer. I told them I couldnt take it and even told them why. I  explained I had looked at porn on that very computer and didnt want anymore triggers or temptations than I absolutely have too (the screen was facing a back wall, but now its facing everyone, which is a huge relief for me). The HR ladies where great about it and totally understanding.

I am feeling a little better, but I still dont want to deal with the fact it could be over. Thats something I dont know how Im going to deal with.

I can feel/see tempations lurking. Tonight turning on TV, 3 or 4  channels I flicked through (trying to avoid) all had women provocatively dressed. WFT can I get a break? Even the shows I normally watch, I see or notice them, but now I just change the channel. I used to let them start me thinking in the wrong direction. Not going to let that happen again.

Its now 12 days since Ive eaten. I just cant bring myself to eat. I dont feel any different that normal. Maybe feel a little weaker when its hot outside and a slight head ache from time to time. Im drinking a lot of water, a cup of coffee a day and metamicil.
Thank you all!!!

 

[Wanttobebetter]

You need to get some food nutrition in you.  Keep up with the water. Even just a healthy granola bar. Without food, your brain can't think. You need to be searching for positives in this thing and without your brain working you won't find your way.  Small bites of something healthy. Soon brother.

 

[DwnNz]

Its now day 13 since I left the house and my world is still a mess. I still see her in everything I do and see. I have even been tempted to txt her like I used to when interesting things would happen, like we used to. But I know that wont do anybody any good. I miss her dearly.. Her tests came back negative so Im ecstatic about that!

Im now at 10 days since acting out and Im feeling very good about that. A few thoughts popping in, but they are gone just as fast. Not looking forward to when they are banging at the door! Ive never felt more positive about change.

Your absolutely right about eating. Its so strange though, that I dont have any urges to eat. Normally I would be starving if I skip breakfast and lunch. I dont really feel any real side affects though, thats the strange part. Maybe because of what Ive been dealing with, my body has switch into survival mode? From all the stress? So I'll have to be careful when I start eating again. So today will be 14 days with no food, that is long enough. At least I will know how long I can go without food and wont be able to cry about missing a meal and being hungry again. (OK, after writing this post, I re read it before actually posting it. There were a LOT of grammatical errors that I normally wouldnt make. So maybe concentration is starting to be affected?).


Im still looking for a house/apt. This is the hard part, trying to find something within my means and still be close (ish) to her, work, school and to my group meetings. Every town here is 25 miles apart (from where I work to my meetings is 75 miles one way). So only a few locations are do-able.

Over all, I am feeling a little better. Only about a few things. But I still cant even begin to forgive myself or forget how much I hurt her. I love and miss her.

 

[DwnNz]

        I wanted to add this. I have been staying in a hotel for the last 2 weeks. Living out of a bag. Every morning, before I go to work, or leave the hotel room, I pack everything up, put everything away as if I have only just check in. I figured out why I do this. 3 reasons, in reverse order. Firstly, to be tidy. Secondly, for security so when the cleaners come through I dont have my stuff all over the place......                     
                        Lastly and most importantly, that if my wife were to ever call and say "COME HOME", I could be there in a heart beat!!

 

[Viper]

ok, i think i responded on the post in the other forum.
Anyway, I'm thinking your wife misses you in spite of what's taken place thus far.
I'm glad you are finding the strength to carry on. Easier said than done.
Someone passed away at work this week. He wasn't young but not exactly old either.
But it really proves to us that we are not guaranteed tomorrow so we must
live our lives and chase our dreams. Not all days are going to be good ones but
it could be a lot worse... like dude at work.

 

[DwnNz]

Thanks Viper. I have to agree, I know things could be worse.. much worse. But for me this has been the biggest battle I have ever known. There is a song from home called Phlex by Blindspot that comes to mind.  But what you said about chasing dreams? What I had was my dream. But I let this bloody addiction get the better of me (including my own selfishness). If I had it to do over ther would be a lot Id change (I believe I have already started that change.. in me).
    Yesterday I went back to the house to do/get a few things and you know what I looked forward to the most? Seeing our dog. When I opened the door it was like she started yelping, she was so happy to see me. Ive never seen her do that before. Then she followed me around like she used to do and kept me company while I did my tasks. One thing that did make me feel a little better, was that all our pictures were still up. It was like I had just left and only the lawn had grown. I know she misses me, but I also know she is really hurting as well. I wish there was something I could do to show her how sorry I am and make her feel better.
    As I have mentioned I had not been able to eat. I made a decision to just eat. I went a total of 14 days with no food. A lot of liquids, water, metamucil and only a cpl of coffees. I lost a total of 21lbs in that time. Now I am trying to get my body used to getting energy externally again, so it doesnt just store all food that I put in. I want to be healthy again and not screw over my metabolism. All my clothes are falling off me. I need to get my strength back as well.

PMO wise, I am on a cloud. No thoughts, urges or anything. Its great!!
 
  Im still in a hotel, cant find anywhere to live thats even close to what I need. They are either too expensive, too far or a rat hole.

I am feeling better. But I am still clinging to the hope of her giving me the chance I know I can. I dont have any plans for if it doesnt work out though. I cant bare the thought of it.

One day at a time. For now.

I miss her.

 

[Blue Bird]

Hey DwnNz:

I am glad to hear you are recuperating yourself. Good  job ! Where I live we say that 'empty bags do not stand up'. You have taken the right decision for yourself to eat, exercise, etc.  We also say where I live that it is better and wiser to spend money buying food than to spend it to buy medicine.... Take your time, get yourself stronger. Let her get healed. You are also getting healed.  You will show stronger to her. Do not forget that the time is the best medicine for our soul and hurt feelings.  I would not be surprised if she soon is in touch with you  and realizes the new man that exists in yourself. Althoug it is hard, give her some time. 
All the best for you.
Blue Bird.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I'm just a person on the internet. I don't know the whole story, you do. She has her story as well. But there is a truth that applies to everyone, sinners and saints alike: It is impossible to truly love or respect another until we love and respect ourselves.

You deserve to respect and love yourself, no matter the past. You can make better decisions. You can become worthy in your own eyes of love, happiness and peace. I read a lot of self loathing here, understand that no matter what you've said or left out of the narrative, you are not bound to repeat the same mistakes.

 

[DwnNz]

      I'm not normally the one who has vivid dreams. My wife usually has those and listens to them (often they are very accurate). But last night I had a dream, that was one of the most real I can remember. I was at our house (it wasn't our house but in the dream it was) and going to see my wife and we were going to sit down and talk. I remember being very nervous and scared. Then there was a knock at the door. Everyone I know that cares about me was there. Mum and Dad, Grand parents, Brother and Sister, best friend, two uncles and an Aunt. But most surprising, was a man I had a lot of respect for. I was friends with his daughters when I was in my early teens. He raised 3 daughters and a son while on the benefit with two part time jobs and even fed me when I stayed, which was a lot. He passed away about 18yrs ago.  At first I thought it was great to see everyone there, then I realized the effect it was having on my wife, she had burst into tears and left because she didn't want (or deserve) the pressure of having all my relatives there. I remember going after her and talking to her, though I cant remember what we said, but we were talking at least. The rest is pretty vague as I was beginning to wake up.

    Bluebird and SO, you both make perfect sense. There are definitely always two sides to ever story and healing is paramount on both sides. But as far as respecting myself, I cant do that at the moment. It was my lack of self respect and respect for her that got US BOTH into this position in the first place. I did this, not her. She has been the angle at my side and tried to help and I was to selfish to let her.    I cant do it.....    not yet.

    Over the last cpl days I have had a few small thoughts creep in, but they haven't lasted long. Nothing that has come close to threatening my progress. But the good side to them I think, is that I am recognizing them earlier and taking action earlier before they manifest. I know I am going to miss her a lot this week. Its been 14 days since I have seen her. The longest we have been apart in over 3 yrs. She txt me yesterday, but only asking about something for the lawn mower. After txting her the answer, I told her I missed her... no reply. :'( I know today will be a hard day for her too. Its mothers day and she has always wanted to be a mum.

  I know this is going to be a tough week.

 

[Blue Bird]

Hey DWnNz:

How are you doing man ? How has been your week ?
We are here to listen and help you.
Regards.

Blue Bird

 

[DwnNz]

Its now been 3 weeks since we have separated. This week has been absolute hell. It was my birthday the other day. The only people who said HB to me were the people in my group after I told them and my Mum when she called. I did get a couple of txts though. Just goes to show how many friends I have here. I spent it alone in my room with a shit movie and a pizza.
     
      I have been wanting to act out sooo badly!! I have EVERY justification I could ever think of to do it too. I even found myself starting to M while in bed and half asleep. As I aren't with my wife now and I dont want to repeat a past mistake, I have NO outlet for this. I don't want to PMO. But what else is there? I cant just go running every time I think about it and I'm in a hotel so there aren't really any of my hobbies I can get into to take my mind off it. It's like I have to face it head on and just do nothing! Im sleeping like shit and finding little motivation to do anything. Mild headaches and wanting to eat junk food. AAAARGGG!!!!!!
   
      I went by the house yesterday to fix a few things and say hi to some friends who are staying there for a few days. That was good, being able to do something for her without her knowing. But I dont know of any other way to show her how Im feeling without it looking like Im throwing myself a pitty party. I want her to heal (or start to), but I dont want her to forget about me. I dont think I gave her any reason to actually miss me. She went out drinking with her friends last night. Id like to go out and have fun, but well drinking wont be much fun, especially by myself.

      One of her friends (who I thought was mine too) has posted a fairly shitty picture/post on FB that was directed at me. So now its resorting to that. I want to close my FB account if it would help, but its my ONLY contact with the outside world. Im still listed as Married on there though. She wont respond to my txt when I have only sent one or 2 this week with nothing negative in them. It feels like my world is starting to fall apart all over again.

Im 41 and completely alone.

 

[Gracie]

D, you have titled your journal as A New Beginning.  So make it a new beginning.  It is hard to change the routines of the past.  So pick one small thing and make it different.  Trust me, even though I was a partner, there were things that we both had to change to work through this whole porn thing.  Is there somewhere you could volunteer your time so that you had somehting to do?  I know that I volunteered at our local humane society.  My job was getting cats socialized.  Some would be absolute wrecks and hissing.  I made it may goal to get them calm.  It also taught me to calm my self.  There are other ways to make friends as well.  Find a local coffee shop and show up same time every day.  A lot of times there are the same people in there at the same time.  Talk to them about anything.  Sometimes, just walking on a walk path at the same time can help make friends. 

Regardless of what has happened in the past, you are a good person.  I know this because you are trying to change.  Only a good person tries to become better.  You are that person.  So believer in yourself.