Hi all.
Its been a week or so since I have been back to update. And it has been one hell of a roller coaster. Firstly, I didnt make it past the 3 week mark. I got into a really bad, confused, frustrated and VERY lonely place last week. I had my phone and wanted to add a couple of helpful apps to my phone, which my wife has the code for. I still havent seen her. My intention was to get the code, add the apps and then have a friend from my group who lives close re secure it. Turned out my friend was out of town until later in the day. When she sent me the code. She also send me another message asking me to remove her from my C Eyes reports recipients. That sent me into another bout of depression. I acted out. I even knew when I was doing it, that I wouldn't enjoy it and to be honest, I didn't. It just happened and I once again fell back into the thought that I couldn't beat this and there was no hope. It really pissed me off how easily it happened and how I could see it happening and couldn't/didn't do anything about it. Maybe in my mind I thought it was a way of getting back at her? I don't know.
We are now talking though, only over the phone and so far only about things to do with the house. Her realizing how much work that place is, especially now its spring and EVERYTHING is growing. There are a lot of jobs there that I do/did that I guess she had never realized. I have to stress, she didn't contact me or ask me to do anything. I went to the house earlier in the week to bush hog as she was having friends over this weekend and also did a few things on Friday when I was there too. I guess Im just trying to stay involved, stay part of her life, even in some small way. Even without seeing her. Also I enjoy doing them, I enjoy fixing stuff and trying to make things better. Just cant seem to do it with myself. I did enjoy spending a few hours at the house though, our dog went apeshit when I got there and stayed with me the whole time. Even the cat I saved/found at the local range (was a dumped kitten) was really happy to see me. I miss them. Im going to try to give her more space and avoid txting unless absolutely necessary. She needs her space to heal.
This evening I ALMOST acted out! For some stupid reason, I thought it was a good idea to install some P2P software on my computer. I got it installed, started a download and then came to my senses. Stopped it all and erased/deleted everything from my computer. No porn was down loaded. But it was the thought that counts. Pissed me off it nearly happened again!! I need to pull my head out of my ass and stop giving in to these stupid urges and somehow come up with a way of avoiding them. Now I will no doubt have a shitty rating on my C Eyes report for this week. Even though I didn't look at porn. Like I said, the thought was there though.
Today I had an interesting experience at church. Im not religious, but I believe in something greater than me. But I also believe in creation, science and evolution, so Im kinda stuck on how to approach it. Its actually quite a big church (for this area) and there are a good cpl hundred people there each week. I usually get there just as it starts and sit by myself near the back. When the service was over and the Pastor was at the door shacking hands ect, I was making my way through as to let everyone talk to him. He saw me, left the line of people waiting for him and came straight over to me, shock my hand, gave me a hug, wanted my details and invited me to meet him for supper some time this week. This was only my third time there and I had never spoken to him before. I was completely caught off, I agreed and when I left the building I started crying on the way to the car. Whether is was that obvious that I needed help or that I was just there alone. That he saw me in that building full of people really got to me.
At the moment, I am still living in a hotel room, living out of a bag and not planning any further than the next week. While everyone is enjoying this Memorial Weekend and remembering those before us. I am alone again... Since all of this has happened, only ONE person has asked me over for a beer or to say hi and he's a fellow Kiwi that lives 12hrs away. I have no friends here, only acquaintances. Not looking for a pity party. Just explaining how Im feeling.
"Lost" is still the word that best suits.
