Making a Change

Mojo

Mojo

Member
Hi, I have been reading forums on this site for several weeks now and have been encouraged by the progress that many of the members have made.  I am also realizing that expressing my situation may have a cathartic effect on my own recovery.

I am now 50 and have been masturbating to porn since I was about 12 or 13.  Through my teens and early 20's my sexual exeprience consisted of 1-night stands or very short relationships usually fizzling out after one or two attempts at sex. Even back then I was having trouble either maintaining an erection or could not ejaculate.  Then I met my wife in my late 20s.  She was the 1st to really help me get over my difficulties.  After sometime I was having consistent erections, and after a little more time I was able to consistently orgasm during vaginal intercourse.

Fast forward several years of sex with the wife with little masturbating and almost no porn, we had a miscarriage and lost much of our intimacy.  Soon after we got an internet connection to the house. As you can guess I returned to old form and it wasn't long before, my wife found the browser history.  This lead to unsuccessful couples and individual therapy and eventually a separation.  After a year or so she wanted to move back to our house.  For the last 12 years we although we have maintained our marriage, we have not had a sexual relationship, and my dependency on PMO increased to at least once a day, and more when my wife is not around.

For the past year we have been dealing with alcohol problems through Al-anon.  Although I new the my porn addiction had been a problem, working on step 4 has shown me that it has been much more of a problem than I had thought.  I have tried for about 3-months to quit the habit and have made it up to 2-weeks with out PMO.  My hope is eliminate porn and masturbation fro my life and to reconnect the sexual relationship with my wife.

 
fcjl8

fcjl8

Active Member
Hi Mojo,

I want to encourage you sir. You can recover balance in your life, you truly don't need the false intimacy of pornography. I believe that re connection with your wife is possible. The changes in our personality and outlook when we quit porn and masturbation use can be remarkable.

I am 52 and have been making progress in my recovery from decades of porn and masturbation. My relationship with my wife is better than ever. We hug lots, cuddle, hold hands and kiss. This type of non sexual bonding helps both of us. I did not do this for much of the time that I was using porn.

Stick with this path. It is worth it. It is not always easy , I won't lie to you , I have had slips and so have most of the men who eventually make progress.
 
Blue Bird

Blue Bird

Member
Hello Mojo -

Welcome. Just adding to fcjl8's comments, it is very easy to have slips.... and afterwards recover and going on is important.  Our friends here help very much on this.  We want to help you too on this. Stay connected. Let me tell you a part of my story.  I am 52 years old and began watching porn (swedish hardcore magazines - I guess they do not exist anymore...)  when I was 13. We had a bookstand near my home and one day the owner offered me to see it. From that moment I did not stop anymore.  Had my first vaginal intercourse when I was 21 in a whore house. At this time there was no internet, but there were the swedish magazines everywhere available although in a hidden way.  Although I love to see porn I am not addicted to it.  My big personal problem is MASTURBATION. Too much masturbation for  several decades. I realized I had problems 5 years ago, but did not have the least idea what was happening to me and how to stop it. I tried several times to stop it, and it was a disaster. After reading the site and watching the videos I felt myself mature enough to have an attitude. I have been firm because I am not alone. I have our friends here at RN. They help  immensely.  Wish you strengh and also that you come back here to talk more about yourself.
Best regards.

Blue Bird.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Hi Mojo!

Glad to see your story posted. Can't wait to see your success story unfold. You seem like a forward thinking, smart cookie. I really see a lot of positive elements to your approach. Keep strong.
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
fcjl8, Blue Bird and SO, thanks for your encouragement. 

Blue Bird like you I have known for sometime that masturbation was causing my ED problems.  I have discussed this a few times in therapy, but kind of got the brushed off.  Mostly the conversation turned to if you can get erect and stay erect during masturbation it must be anxiety that is effecting your ability to do the same with real women.  Hearing similar stories that seem similar to my own, as well as a bit of knowledge about the brain and addiction have made a big difference.

Again thanks for your help, and I really think RN will be a blessing in my overcoming my problem.
 
Blue Bird

Blue Bird

Member
Mojo:

I am glad you liked and understood my intention. Let's keep talking.
Have a great Friday and weekend.
Regards.

Blue Bird    :D
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
Thanks again Blue Bird.

I've been dealing with a relapse from my wife's addiction for the past several days.  Her regrets during her relapses have a lot to do with losses that she been feeling, which include the loss of sex and intimacy.  Although she had some knowledge about my porn addiction, we have not had any real conversation about it until this past week, while she was using.  Now that she is back on the recovery road I am hoping that we can continue the conversations, and that I can help her with the pain that I have caused her over the years.
 
Blue Bird

Blue Bird

Member
Mojo:

If you already have the door open for conversation with your wife, I invite you to do it. I guess it is difficult to open up, but sure has better results that stay in the shell.  This is not my case and I would like it to be. My wife does not know anything, except that she already saw the history of my computer 2 or 3 times in the past and discovered my interest in porn. She got angry and said it is a nonsense. After some bad mood she came back to normal. She does not know about my excessive masturbation and its effects. I have no room to tell her. She would be devastated. I prefer to resolve this alone and I know it is a more difficult way. This is why I am counting on our friends here and learning by their experiences and having feed-back from them upon leasting our stories.

I did not understand well about your wife's addiction.  Would you be comfortable in telling it to us and what is the impact on you ?

Have a good weekend, Mojo. And all the best for you in your journey.

Best regards

Blue Bird
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
Hi Blue Bird, my wife is an alcoholic and had a relapse last week while I was out of town.  I have been attending Al-anon meetings for about a year, but have been pretty sporadic the last couple of months.  Al-anon has been great for helping me deal with the alcohol problems that she and others in my life have.  It has also helped me become aware of my part in their problems and the impact that porn and masturbation have had on my life.  I am more concerned that my acting out has been lead to her continuing struggles.
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
I am one week without PMO and MO.  Not feeling any of the anxiety or depression that many have expressed.  No erections during conscious hours, but I have occasionally had sexual dreams and woke up with a woody on one occasion.  I have had some urges to surf porn, and have browsed some images of some actresses that turn me on.  Need to work on curbing those urges.

My wife is back on the wagon, and has gone through the worst of her withdrawals.  Looking forward to a productive week 2 with no PMO.
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
Have been sick for the last couple of days, thinking it was food poisoning.  Anyway, this has usually been a time that I would turn to PMO, being home alone most of the day. Happy to say not this time.

From reading things over the past few days, I've connected with something I have found encouraging.  It was my choice to get involved with porn and it is my choice to end it.  I can blame people places and things for my actions but it has always been my choice.  In the beginning I did it purely for pleasure, but it also brought shame and a disconnect with people.  Later it became a stress reliever.  Regardless it has become something I no longer want a part of my life. Knowing that it was my choice to start PMO, makes it easier to know I have the power to end it.

Good luck to everyone and stay strong.
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
Last night I returned to some bad habits and viewed some of my more frequent porn sites.  Did not MO, but felt myself inching closer to those bad habits.  I have felt my self slipping a little bit at a time, where previous relapses seemed to be a jump straight back into it.  Anyways chronicling my habit seem to help me identify my vulnerability, which at the moment seems to be to much time alone while recovering from my illness.

Feeling better this morning, at least physically if not emotionally.
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
Bright sunny Friday morning here.  Been reading posts and watching the videos on YBOP.  Made a mistake of watching some through the youtube portal.  Innocent enough, execpt when the follow-up videos come up.  One was a story of a porn star getting religion and quitting the biz.  Really not a bad look at the other side of our addiction.  Only thing in question was my motives in selecting that particular video to follow up with.

Happy to say that I have been without PMO for over 10 days, but still feel myself drawn to the edge of the precipice.
 
Deuce26

Deuce26

Member
Mojo said:
From reading things over the past few days, I've connected with something I have found encouraging.  It was my choice to get involved with porn and it is my choice to end it.  I can blame people places and things for my actions but it has always been my choice.  In the beginning I did it purely for pleasure, but it also brought shame and a disconnect with people.  Later it became a stress reliever.  Regardless it has become something I no longer want a part of my life. Knowing that it was my choice to start PMO, makes it easier to know I have the power to end it.
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I very much relate to this, Mojo.
We all make choices in life. In fact, several each hour, day, week.
I chose to watch porn and it is my choice to stop watching porn.
That in itself is very empowering.
D
 
Mojo

Mojo

Member
sorry to report, that I PMO'd  this morning.  Felt the urge coming for a few days and did not do what I needed to get past the urge.  Instead I gave in.  Not a good start to the week, but am hopeful to push on in my recovery.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Mojo said:
Thanks Deuce, Just a bump in the road, doesn't mean I am giving in.
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Hey Mojo! One day down! Journal plenty the next few days when you feel any craves. Everybody is here for you.
 
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