Starting over (again)

[freefromwinternight]

The more I think about the escort idea, the more I think it's a bad idea. I definitely don't want my first experience to be like the story of some guy I read on reddit. I'm not going to post it because it definitely contains trigger warnings, but I didn't get triggered by them for once. He basically said it felt like he was still a virgin at the end of it. The woman he chose was very good-looking, according to him, yet at the time he wrote the post several hours later he said he couldn't even remember her face very well. That's not what I want. At the very least what I want is with some kind of emotional connection. That's the bare minimum. Hopefully reaching out, even if it is online (due to difficulty meeting women in the offline world), will provide that for me and whoever I connect with.

Hey man it! Its good to hear that your journey is going well and that your are coping with the cravings. My own opionion on an online date would be to make sure that you have some sort of chemistry with the lady because if you didnt it has pretty much the same outcome of getting an escort. Id also be very cautious if it turns into a one night stand as it may then envolve you chasing which could then lead to a relapse. Just my two cents.

But keep going strong man. Day 34 is really good and you should be proud!

Thanks for the support. I'm not wanting to go out with her for the sole purpose of getting laid, no - I just figure that dating is a better way to get emotional sex than paying through the nose for one of the most personally risky activities that a man could do with himself. (Screwing an escort.) Assuming there is even chemistry with this girl and that she likes me back.

 

[freefromwinternight]

No response. Go figure. I did expect this, though, so it doesn't hurt.

I am in the toilet emotionally again. I'm so down there my appetite is decreasing, which never happens to me, usually I have black hole for a stomach. Losing interest in everything slowly, even gaming, which is something I really enjoy doing. I'm worried - I don't want this to turn into another crash and wind back up in the hospital.

It's strange because the previous times I have tried to quit I have always felt more cheerful - like I was being liberated from something. Maybe this is happening because I have realized I really am an addict and I am taking this seriously. I don't know.

Like I'm at the bottom of a pit looking up at a faint light. Hope I get through this soon.

 

[freefromwinternight]

I am constantly amazed at how everyone talks about meeting people and meeting women like it's so damn normal. It's a big deal for me if I have a successful conversation with someone, let alone go on a date with them. And this is largely due to my addiction, which has fed into my introverted tendencies and which my introverted tendencies have subsequently reinforced. I don't know where to start sometimes because it seems as if I have missed learning all the cues that other, normal, people learn growing up because they AREN'T addicted to porn.

And I also know that all of the above is bullshit because I have been social before on many different occasions, with varying degrees of success. (Never sexual, though.) I just don't damn want to 75% of the time, and I don't know how to make myself want to. I invest all this time into people and then I just give up and walk away because I lose all motivation for talking to them. Not necessarily because of porn, but just because: It just wilts away like a plant no matter how much I try to water it. And I have lost several people as friends because of this tendency. I don't know how to change it. I also don't know how porn fits into this, although it seems likely that porn has made this worse over the years. At the very least, it hasn't helped.

 

[freefromwinternight]

I can't sleep - I have pretty serious withdrawal symptoms. Sexual fantasies/thoughts started appearing in my head as I was in my bed awake and trying to go to sleep. I was at full-on boner within seconds. Now I'm shivering even though I'm not cold; hell, I was sweating and experiencing a lot of heat when I was under the sheet a few moments ago. I'm even more awake. Emotionally, I feel scared, terrified actually. I've never experienced these symptoms like this before. During a relapse months ago, I shook when I started looking for porn on the Internet again; I've read that's common because it's like a drug addict getting a fix again. I'm not planning on relapsing again tonight, I'm posting this on here in the hopes that will get this out in the open, so to speak. Still shaking and breathing hard.

 

[presson]

Keep going man! You've got such a good run going. Your ability to combat these physical symptoms is impressive! There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. I'm not social by nature either. Sometimes you need to force yourself to be around people, other times its ok to take some time to yourself. Good luck with this set of cravings. When you make it to the other side I'd be interested in hearing what kind of strategies worked for you to get you through. You can do this.

 

[freefromwinternight]

Thanks, presson. I'm going to a social event tonight that I haven't been to in a few weeks. Hopefully the girl I saw there a few weeks ago will still be there, probably not. (I'm pretty much focused like a laser on meeting women.)

I don't think I made it clear last night that the terror was a symptom itself; I wasn't afraid of the symptoms by any means, I actually welcome them.

 

[freefromwinternight]

This is what keeps going through my mind: "It doesn't matter how social you are, because you're not attractive and you'll never be attractive. Sure, other guys that look like you get girls, but they're not YOU. YOU will never have sex or have anyone love you that is your age and even remotely compatible, so STOP TRYING AND ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE. You will only EVER have sex with girls that beautiful in your head - don't even think about experiencing it in real life."

This is what my addiction wants me to believe.

(I don't even want girls that beautiful in real life. WTF?)

 

[freefromwinternight]

The social event tonight went well. I made decent conversation with the people there . . . and got a dinner date for next week.

 

[freefromwinternight]

I'm in danger of relapsing. No fantasies, little guy is stone cold but could still happen. I feel the 'antsy' coming back if that makes any sense. My brain craves the release, even though I know it's bad for me. I even caught myself googling stuff about how to use okcupid for casual sex. I didn't even know there were reddit threads for this kind of stuff before now! I'm trying to stay

I'm going to another social event tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off of this. (Also, I don't know why voiding helps the antsy-ness go away, but I'm glad it does.)

 

[freefromwinternight]

By the way, in the past when I have installed K9, I would use a separate email account for the K9 password so that I couldn't change or delete it, blah blah blah. Short story is I was able to bypass that hurdle because Gmail lets you recover a password if you know the date the account was created, which I obviously knew. That's how my last two attempts at using K9 have failed.

I need a favor from someone, and this sounds like I'm taking this way too seriously, but IMHO, you can't take this too seriously. I need someone to create two email accounts, one for me to send the K9 password to, and another one that is the backup account for the first one (because most email accounts require a second email address in case you forget [or don't want to remember] the password). Don't tell me even what service the second account uses just in case. I can't do K9 on my own because I'm smart and can probably bypass whatever I come up with. However, I can't bypass what I don't know, so could someone please help with this? I do not want to relapse again. Thanks so much.

 

[presson]

I'm impressed with your desire and ability to hold on even when it gets tough. Remember that no blocker will ever completely take away the opportunity to look at porn. That being said, they do help. I have a backup email address that you could send a password to. Send me a personal message if you want to get that set up.

 

[freefromwinternight]

40 days. 40 days in the wilderness? Nope - going for the rest of my life. (Self-pleasure/addiction wilderness? HELL YES. Sexual wilderness? Hopefully not for the rest of my life.) 40 days.

It seems the longer I stay away from this stuff, the more I know myself better in terms of likes/dislikes.

 

[freefromwinternight]

54 days in and really pissed off.

Bitter. Snape-like levels of bitter. And angry. And cynical. Feel like giving a giant finger to the world and yelling 'FUCK OFF' at the top of my lungs to anyone in close enough range.

Ugly. Prickly. Lonely. Horny. I hate this creature that lives in my crotch and demands sex, then fills me with bitterness when it doesn't get it. Would I even like or enjoy sex? I don't know, because I'm still a virgin! What's the point in thinking that sex is supposed to be something special when no one ever thinks I'm special enough to give it to?!

I am warped and twisted. I still haven't relapsed, because that's worse than this.

God, just so fucking bitter. How many years have I wasted? The first 24? I try not to focus on that, but they overshadow me whether I focus on them or not. 24 years of wasting my time, my semen and my energy on things other than real life, living in the shade of someone else's delusions, making them my own, and then wondering why the real world doesn't match up.

I have no long-term friends. I run from the ones I try to make because I'm such a fucking emotional coward. I think tearing people down is funny, and the scary thing is I don't know how much I do that.

Wah, wah wah, went the giant baby in the corner. Fuck everything - I'm at 54 days and that's what fucking matters.

 

[freefromwinternight]

I sort-of edged yesterday with some stuff online. I didn't full-out relapse.

What I did do is MO last night, once before I went to sleep.

The last few days have seen an upsurge in energy. I must have walked almost 10 miles cumulatively, in addition to crunches, lifting weights, etc. I feel good - and THIS is what makes me horny and vulnerable to relapse. I don't relapse when I feel bad, otherwise I would have in the midst of all that depressive crap I wrote recently.

MO'ing last night felt awesome - I was so sensitive that it took maybe <30 secs to finish and had a huge O. However, it did ruin hard mode for me. No PMO, but MO is 2 out of 3. I don't know if I should reset my counter or not. No temptation to relapse today so far.

 

[freefromwinternight]

And now the chaser effect reminds me of why MO'ing is still a bad idea, regardless of P or not.

My junk is tingly, even more sensitive to stimulation than last night, and feels 'full' somehow, like it could 'blast off' at any moment. Definitely discomforting.

I'll probably get a second counter for M just in case.

 

[presson]

Hey man, good to see you're still staying the course. It looks like you're doing a good job rallying and getting back on track, so that's good to see. Keep it up!

 

[freefromwinternight]

Ok, I'm in trouble. I'm on the verge of relapsing and having to reset my counter. I've been MO'ing at least three times today and yesterday, each time while searching for sexual stuff, not P, online. (Do erotic stories count as P? If so, I have to reset my counter already.)

I need help. I need a favor from someone on here. That someone needs to create two email address accounts. DO NOT even tell me what service you use to create the second one. That second one will be known to you and you alone. That second email address will serve as the first's backup when prompted when you create the first email. I'm sorry if this seems overly complex, but I have no choice if I want to stay the course. I WILL figure out how to get around the barrier of multiple email accounts - I have before. I cannot possibly figure out how to get past the email barriers if I do not even know the existence of the second one serving as the backup for the first.

Here's how this will work, step-by-step:

1) Create a gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. Again, DO NOT TELL ME WHAT SERVICE YOU USE.

2) Create a second gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. This one I need to know so I can set it as the backup email for K9. Use this one as the backup for the email account in step 1).

3) I will install K9 on my laptop, using the email address from step 2) as the backup. (NOT THE EMAIL ADDRESS FROM STEP ONE. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT THAT IS.)

4) Once I have configured the settings, I will use a long, complicated password that I have no hope of ever figuring out. I will clear the copy-paste clipboard from my computer so I can't cheat using that.

5) Once I have cleared the clipboard, there should be no way that I can ever access the K9 settings so I can get around them.

That should do it. I'm sorry to ask this of you guys, but I will relapse again. Soon. I can feel it coming and I do not want to go there.

 

[chameleon]

Life is hard. my life is hell. but we have to live our life. don't give up. stay strong in reboot. keep fighting. keep fighting for your life.
no one else gonna come and solve your problem. you have to be responsible and solve your problem.

i needed to hear this. Sometimes i feel a hand pulling me through the door.

I have plenty to be proud of but porn addiction has stomped on my sense of self, indentity And happiness. Sexual obsessions are litteraly trying to hijack my actions and focus.

Im trying not to react to all this disturbingly intimate crap.

 

[freefromwinternight]

Too late.

First relapse in 76 days.

I knew it was going to happen as soon as I came home from work, which was at a wedding. Could not handle the feels. Just couldn't.

And now I'm back to zero.

 

[freefromwinternight]

So now I installed K9.

Again.

This time, I used Yahoo Mail, which apparently makes you call customer service to recover a lost password, thank fucking God.

Maybe this time I won't be able to hack around it.

Still edged this morning. K9 isn't perfect.

P.S. Sorry, presson, I forgot that you had offered me a backup email address. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember things like that. Sorry again.