At the three-day mark again. I don't know if I edged or not, but as soon as I realized I was edging, I stopped, if that counts. I'm not resetting my counter over that, it doesn't seem worth it.
@presson: I have disclosed my struggle with a therapist and someone else. I told my therapist at the midway point of my last streak. The someone else I quit telling about it because I got tired of telling her and I got too embarrassed because something that supposed to be a 'temporary' thing definitely is not temporary. I don't know what she thinks I'm doing anymore because I just stopped talking about it with her. (Note: Not my GF, not even my age - older female adult that I trust). My therapist isn't that great, to be completely frank, but she's had a ton of male clients come to her about their own struggles with PMO addiction so she wasn't fazed about mine. (I think she suspected for a while before I told her, actually.) At any rate, neither personal connection seems to help.
As for SAA, I would rather stay away from them for as long as possible, no offense to present company meant, of course. I have an addiction to Internet porn; from what I've read, that doesn't make me a sex addict. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this, that is entirely possible, but it comes down to this: I just don't want to go.
Prayer is a touchy thing for me. My belief in God has been shaken by this whole experience; praying has seemed like an extended version of talking to myself for a while now. I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to help anyway because I keep going back, so what difference does it make?
@toreador: It's funny, because I was on the verge of edging back into PMO just now, and I realized I wasn't feeling horny - I was feeling afraid. Terrified, actually. Of what?
I think I'm most afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm pretty socially awkward; good-looking enough, but probably not pants-wetting good-looking, if you catch my drift; very introverted; goes out of his way to avoid people most of the time; I also have a thing about noise and crowds which doesn't help.
In short, I'm terrified I'm destined to be excluded from the vast majority of the human race that has sex. Hell, every time a woman so much as brushes her hand against me, it generates this surge of electric sensation that almost makes me shiver with longing. How am I supposed to handle that kind of torture and remain confined to singlehood? I don't know how to surmount this. I'm afraid that I'm just an evolutionary dead end; a collection of useless genes undeserving of procreation and fit only to die out, removing my flawed characteristics from the gene pool so other, better-suited men can spread theirs around.
I think that's what I'm afraid of the most and that's the main reason why I am continually drawn back into PMO. The logic goes like this: If I'm destined to be single forever, I might as well watch porn, since that's the closest I'm ever going to get anyway.
Except it doesn't work. It actually makes the pain of being single worse because all the connection I could ever want is locked away behind a computer screen that I cannot go through or get around. Hence the agony.
Sorry about the long post.