M
mtaha2015
Guest
Thanks daybyday.DayByDay said:
I hope so. my reboot becomes hard in 3rd week and then it's get easy. my best in my life 42 days.
I hope so. my reboot becomes hard in 3rd week and then it's get easy. my best in my life 42 days.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
Okay lets go deep into the core of my problem.
lets first discuss why people use different tools to stay away from reality.
life is though, and not every one is born lucky to have a easy wonderful life. people use different things to escape from their. some of te things people use to escape life are gambling, video games , porn , sex , food and even prayers. and list goes on.
some people are using shopping to escape the pains of their life. they are obsessed with shopping.
so we human build activities around us which gives us a great escape and break from life. its kind a complete fun zone, where we have no rejection and every thing is in our control.
then lets discuss my cores of the problem. first I will go into my past then into present and then I will discuss the pressures and fears of future.
so lets begin first with my past. ( why I am using porn injection to cope with my life ) ( past wounds )
just to escape my past and past wounds I am using porn to mask everything. instead of accepting past as a reality and learning from past , I am escaping my past and avoiding even thinking about it or even I avoid to discuss my own past with myself.
just right now I am facing internal resistance when I am writing my past. My brain don't even want to think about my past.
My past starts when I was born 1990 in karachi pakistan , in upper middle class family.I was born with tremendous defects , I think I told here before (mobius syndrome). Webbed fingers of right hand. facial paralysis. no simile no emotions. balloon like head.can't move my lips. can't close my lips. missing limp and male breast on right side. right hip was dislocated though it was fixed after surgery. sensitive eyes and right eye looks small compared to other eye. not literally small but it looks though. low muscle tone across the body. can't move my eyes side to side. foot were clubbed foot. so had stress from beginning of my life. my right leg was operated on day third after i was born and left leg was operated when I was six years old. so I was completely disliked child
I was not born in my dad's house , I was born in my mom's house. my parents were divorced before even I was born.
I grew up in a joint family with my uncles and grand mother. my mother was also suffering from depression and she use to beat me like hell when I was small kid. like I remember I was beaten when I was 4-7. because I was not liked because of my defects.
then my schooling started , school was good first though first 4 years i mean from grade 1 to 4 was good. but I faced some problems there too. teachers use to ask whats wrong with your hand and stupid questions like that. then I bullying started, I remember at grade 5 children started to bully me and that continued and turned like hell when I was in grade 8. it was so bad , that my mother changed my school. I did well in 9th and 10th. but porn already came in my life till that point, and I remember I use to watch porn a lot at that time of my life and I use to play video games all day. no studies, I didn't did well in 11 and 12 grades and I had to repeat my high school again. which made my life more troublesome. instead of going to college I was doing high school again. though I finally completed it after wards. but it was too late , Now I was in trouble from all side, I faced a lot of other problems too in my life, but I can't right all down here, coz it will take a lot of time. I was doing college, but then I got immigration visa , and I came to United States with my mom. started from scratch again here. relatives here weren't supportive at all.
with time , I lost all my friends and relatives. even cousins don't accept and don't take me seriously due to these defects. I was smart , so I remember when I was 14 or 15 I started to avoid people because I knew I won't be accepted. it made me more anti-social
with time I lost all friends and relatives. and I notice , when those guys grew up , they started to avoid , so I did. I gave the same kind of reply. Fukk Off.
if you don't care , I even don't care SOB.
and I remember I was made fun by teachers as well.
and I at the age of 13 I was sexually exploited by my cousin and his servant.
I was sexually exploited 3 times by them then I realized that some thing is going wrong with me and I restrain myself even meeting with those bastards.
when I was writing this exploitation thing, the resistance was high. so it looks like this pain and wound is the biggest one so far.
so tough up bringing and now lets move to present
living in United States more than 3 years now. First I had no time, I use to work 60 hours a week I was doing a layman job at seven eleven. it was starting in United States I sacrificed my education for my mother. for 3 years , but in meanwhile I completed my GED though.
I got a layman county job of bus attendant recently. this job is better than seven eleven job but this is not the taha I use to imagine in United States. That isn't my class. I wanted to go to masters level in organic chemistry or I wanted to see me as pharmacist. but now my financial situation is not allowing me to do that.
I got into college recently like 6 months ago. but now My mother wants to buy home with me. so working full time job with full time studies is making my life too stressful , I am not able to manage this level of stress in my life. I am failing to it and giving to PMO and hurting my self more.
this self hate process is continuing due to the stress level in present life.
My studies are getting effected by working full time. I am not able to complete my home work on time and it will affect my grades also.
I was intelligent student from beginning, even I am working full time right now, Still I got two As and 1 B in midterm.
but I fear , I my grades might go down in finals due to extra work at job.
this conflict of choice. Studies or layman work is eating my brain and giving me lot of stress.
I don't want ot see me in future doing this stupid job. I wanted to see my as a pharmacist or chemist.
I am running away from the realities of my life by using porn in my life. I don't want to see whats going with me bad. I just want to close eyes by PMO which is hurting me more.
so now lets move forward to future fears and pressures.
as I said before I fear I might be working a stupid bus attendant job in future instead of doing some thing respectable.
because whole reason for immigration would fail. I didn't came here to work this stupid job.
its a great pressure , I want to climb the ladder as soon as possible with all difficulties I have.
I fear that my finance won't allow me to do that , this might be reality too. but there might be some ways that I will be able to get what I want to.
I have pressure to be successful in future instead of being a poor bus attendant american.
these all realities of life are making my life more troublesome.
Now I have to change my mindset and instead of running away from these realities I have to accept them as past, present and possible future. and then I have to work on my plans and get the most out of this fucccking life.
lets first discuss why people use different tools to stay away from reality.
life is though, and not every one is born lucky to have a easy wonderful life. people use different things to escape from their. some of te things people use to escape life are gambling, video games , porn , sex , food and even prayers. and list goes on.
some people are using shopping to escape the pains of their life. they are obsessed with shopping.
so we human build activities around us which gives us a great escape and break from life. its kind a complete fun zone, where we have no rejection and every thing is in our control.
then lets discuss my cores of the problem. first I will go into my past then into present and then I will discuss the pressures and fears of future.
so lets begin first with my past. ( why I am using porn injection to cope with my life ) ( past wounds )
just to escape my past and past wounds I am using porn to mask everything. instead of accepting past as a reality and learning from past , I am escaping my past and avoiding even thinking about it or even I avoid to discuss my own past with myself.
just right now I am facing internal resistance when I am writing my past. My brain don't even want to think about my past.
My past starts when I was born 1990 in karachi pakistan , in upper middle class family.I was born with tremendous defects , I think I told here before (mobius syndrome). Webbed fingers of right hand. facial paralysis. no simile no emotions. balloon like head.can't move my lips. can't close my lips. missing limp and male breast on right side. right hip was dislocated though it was fixed after surgery. sensitive eyes and right eye looks small compared to other eye. not literally small but it looks though. low muscle tone across the body. can't move my eyes side to side. foot were clubbed foot. so had stress from beginning of my life. my right leg was operated on day third after i was born and left leg was operated when I was six years old. so I was completely disliked child
I was not born in my dad's house , I was born in my mom's house. my parents were divorced before even I was born.
I grew up in a joint family with my uncles and grand mother. my mother was also suffering from depression and she use to beat me like hell when I was small kid. like I remember I was beaten when I was 4-7. because I was not liked because of my defects.
then my schooling started , school was good first though first 4 years i mean from grade 1 to 4 was good. but I faced some problems there too. teachers use to ask whats wrong with your hand and stupid questions like that. then I bullying started, I remember at grade 5 children started to bully me and that continued and turned like hell when I was in grade 8. it was so bad , that my mother changed my school. I did well in 9th and 10th. but porn already came in my life till that point, and I remember I use to watch porn a lot at that time of my life and I use to play video games all day. no studies, I didn't did well in 11 and 12 grades and I had to repeat my high school again. which made my life more troublesome. instead of going to college I was doing high school again. though I finally completed it after wards. but it was too late , Now I was in trouble from all side, I faced a lot of other problems too in my life, but I can't right all down here, coz it will take a lot of time. I was doing college, but then I got immigration visa , and I came to United States with my mom. started from scratch again here. relatives here weren't supportive at all.
with time , I lost all my friends and relatives. even cousins don't accept and don't take me seriously due to these defects. I was smart , so I remember when I was 14 or 15 I started to avoid people because I knew I won't be accepted. it made me more anti-social
with time I lost all friends and relatives. and I notice , when those guys grew up , they started to avoid , so I did. I gave the same kind of reply. Fukk Off.
if you don't care , I even don't care SOB.
and I remember I was made fun by teachers as well.
and I at the age of 13 I was sexually exploited by my cousin and his servant.
I was sexually exploited 3 times by them then I realized that some thing is going wrong with me and I restrain myself even meeting with those bastards.
when I was writing this exploitation thing, the resistance was high. so it looks like this pain and wound is the biggest one so far.
so tough up bringing and now lets move to present
living in United States more than 3 years now. First I had no time, I use to work 60 hours a week I was doing a layman job at seven eleven. it was starting in United States I sacrificed my education for my mother. for 3 years , but in meanwhile I completed my GED though.
I got a layman county job of bus attendant recently. this job is better than seven eleven job but this is not the taha I use to imagine in United States. That isn't my class. I wanted to go to masters level in organic chemistry or I wanted to see me as pharmacist. but now my financial situation is not allowing me to do that.
I got into college recently like 6 months ago. but now My mother wants to buy home with me. so working full time job with full time studies is making my life too stressful , I am not able to manage this level of stress in my life. I am failing to it and giving to PMO and hurting my self more.
this self hate process is continuing due to the stress level in present life.
My studies are getting effected by working full time. I am not able to complete my home work on time and it will affect my grades also.
I was intelligent student from beginning, even I am working full time right now, Still I got two As and 1 B in midterm.
but I fear , I my grades might go down in finals due to extra work at job.
this conflict of choice. Studies or layman work is eating my brain and giving me lot of stress.
I don't want ot see me in future doing this stupid job. I wanted to see my as a pharmacist or chemist.
I am running away from the realities of my life by using porn in my life. I don't want to see whats going with me bad. I just want to close eyes by PMO which is hurting me more.
so now lets move forward to future fears and pressures.
as I said before I fear I might be working a stupid bus attendant job in future instead of doing some thing respectable.
because whole reason for immigration would fail. I didn't came here to work this stupid job.
its a great pressure , I want to climb the ladder as soon as possible with all difficulties I have.
I fear that my finance won't allow me to do that , this might be reality too. but there might be some ways that I will be able to get what I want to.
I have pressure to be successful in future instead of being a poor bus attendant american.
these all realities of life are making my life more troublesome.
Now I have to change my mindset and instead of running away from these realities I have to accept them as past, present and possible future. and then I have to work on my plans and get the most out of this fucccking life.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
Although I went into the past and told my brain all about my past. still lust is there. cravings and fantasy came in.
but I managed to let them go this time.
but I managed to let them go this time.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
almost 1 day done.
good come back.
moving forward. no cravings right now.
good come back.
moving forward. no cravings right now.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
this addiction gets you weak, takes away all your energy.
today in the afternoon ,I was feeling tempted and felt cravings.
but I managed to let them pass away easily.
The secret is to let those cravings go. it is a energy, and it will flow away.
today in the afternoon ,I was feeling tempted and felt cravings.
but I managed to let them pass away easily.
The secret is to let those cravings go. it is a energy, and it will flow away.
NeverSurrender
Member
TAHA, dude I want you to succeed. STAY THE FUCK AWAY from the pc. I remember when I first tried to quit it was the hardest ever, my heart would pound my mind would race and I would feel like tearing down walls. You need to summon the WILL POWER to CONTROL yourself my friend, I WANT to see you SUCCEED. STOP RELAPSING BRO
adrian
Active Member
Man, trauma and negative aspects in your life, might never go away from your brain. Do not expect to simply forget all the bad things that happened throughout your existence because that will never happen.
The key on having a healthy life is to make peace with your past, care for your future but be madly in love with the present moment.
Sadness/Frustration comes from living in the past, anxiety comes from living in the future but peace and clarity only come when you're living in the present moment.
And in my vision, this is the key to a balanced healthy life. I had childhood traumas, I had problems, a hard life (not hardcore, but affectionate-less and mostly on my own) all these memories and emotions are not gone, although I made some therapy, but instead I'm always trying to make peace with them. And it works.
Something else that might help with your core problems might be yoga, you might wanna consider it.
The key on having a healthy life is to make peace with your past, care for your future but be madly in love with the present moment.
Sadness/Frustration comes from living in the past, anxiety comes from living in the future but peace and clarity only come when you're living in the present moment.
And in my vision, this is the key to a balanced healthy life. I had childhood traumas, I had problems, a hard life (not hardcore, but affectionate-less and mostly on my own) all these memories and emotions are not gone, although I made some therapy, but instead I'm always trying to make peace with them. And it works.
Something else that might help with your core problems might be yoga, you might wanna consider it.
DayByDay
Active Member
taha,
I'm very sorry to hear your past history although thank you for sharing. It really does sadden me that people can still act this way in the 21st century, especially with family, but unfortunately with nearly 7 billion people in the world it is inevitable and with a huge amount of cultures out there, what is unacceptable in some is embraced by other. What you went through should not have happened.
Like Adrian said I think you should try to make peace with the past instead of trying to forget it. You cannot spend your whole life running from past events. I know you would feel a lot better and it would help make you a lot stronger to reboot.
Adrian,
I love the above quote. Absolutley brilliant. Something I need to embrace in my life.
I'm very sorry to hear your past history although thank you for sharing. It really does sadden me that people can still act this way in the 21st century, especially with family, but unfortunately with nearly 7 billion people in the world it is inevitable and with a huge amount of cultures out there, what is unacceptable in some is embraced by other. What you went through should not have happened.
Like Adrian said I think you should try to make peace with the past instead of trying to forget it. You cannot spend your whole life running from past events. I know you would feel a lot better and it would help make you a lot stronger to reboot.
adrian said:
Adrian,
I love the above quote. Absolutley brilliant. Something I need to embrace in my life.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
Thanks guys , I read your posts , I will follow you guys as much I could. I should stay away from pc as well as much as possible.
yesterday I didn't went to job. took lot of rest.
Now today right now I am going to job. but when I will return from job in between the morning and afternoon shift. I will complete the homework. I won't take rest. may be I will take rest for 15 minutes. then I will go back to job afternoon shift. coming back from there I will have a fantastic meal , then most important part, I will go to bed at 7 pm.
I have to reduce the stress in my life. and this can be done with managing the schedule.
I will try to remain away from pc as well as much as I could.
No pc No phone. only rest.
feeling good.now 1 day completed.
yesterday I didn't went to job. took lot of rest.
Now today right now I am going to job. but when I will return from job in between the morning and afternoon shift. I will complete the homework. I won't take rest. may be I will take rest for 15 minutes. then I will go back to job afternoon shift. coming back from there I will have a fantastic meal , then most important part, I will go to bed at 7 pm.
I have to reduce the stress in my life. and this can be done with managing the schedule.
I will try to remain away from pc as well as much as I could.
No pc No phone. only rest.
feeling good.now 1 day completed.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
yes I will remain away from PC as much I can.NeverSurrender said:
M
mtaha2015
Guest
adrian said:
yes adrian , this is what I am trying to do. I can't forget the past, I have to go to my past again and again to learn lessons from there.
right now I am living in present , just planning for future and learning from past.
this is the moments , I could change.
present can be changed.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
DayByDay said:
yes friend, trying to accept and make peace with past. just accepting it as it was and learning the lessons from it.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
making peace with past. enjoying the present and planning and working for the future.
every thing is good today. good day. bright day.
no cravings and no depression.
smooth and easy.
I have learned how to process cravings , when they hit hard.
every thing is good today. good day. bright day.
no cravings and no depression.
smooth and easy.
I have learned how to process cravings , when they hit hard.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
I am doing homework right now. Then I will go to job and after coming back from there I will have meal and tea and will go to bed as early as 7 PM.
the more rest I will have, more easy will this become.
I just have to learn how to tackle cravings too.
correct mindset and techniques will work for me greatly.
from that despair , I am in a good mood today.
great day after so many days.
wow.
the more rest I will have, more easy will this become.
I just have to learn how to tackle cravings too.
correct mindset and techniques will work for me greatly.
from that despair , I am in a good mood today.
great day after so many days.
wow.
adrian
Active Member
Don't dwell on your past too much. Best piece of advice I've received about past traumas and issues was "Stop scratching if it's itching you. Leave it alone, confront your fears in the present, and live"
Stay strong man! Really now, you should reconsider God and start praying, it will help you tremendously! Take care!
Stay strong man! Really now, you should reconsider God and start praying, it will help you tremendously! Take care!
M
mtaha2015
Guest
Daybyday
thanks.
I will follow your instruction.
thanks.
I will follow your instruction.
M
mtaha2015
Guest
adrian said:
Thanks buddy.
but going into past is necessary, I have to remember those wounds again and again so that I can understand I can't hurt myself using porn for past wound.
adrian
Active Member
You know the effects of PMO, you know how it affects you! Leave your past behind, think what do you want to become or to achieve and start making steps towards it.
The past does not matter, what has happened, has happened, do not let it burden you, and leave it there as it is. What you do today is really more important than anything else.
I recommend watching some videos on the following topics, at least for me, it provides insightful information and a sense of peace and clarity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7anHtF6xN4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzvT0vy5cjE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChTnwpkCMhg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gL8c_yIofg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuU5rXWpDuc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4oXtn_mrFc
The past does not matter, what has happened, has happened, do not let it burden you, and leave it there as it is. What you do today is really more important than anything else.
I recommend watching some videos on the following topics, at least for me, it provides insightful information and a sense of peace and clarity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7anHtF6xN4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzvT0vy5cjE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChTnwpkCMhg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gL8c_yIofg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuU5rXWpDuc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4oXtn_mrFc
M
mtaha2015
Guest
adrian said:
Thanks adrian.
guruji rocks.
I like hinduism, it is a very old and deep religion.
it was basically the religion of abraham. and hindus are the nation of abraham. to whom abraham preached.