New to the forum. Looking for hope.

[treehugger513]

The relationship with my PA started out wonderfully. We were one of those cases of two best friends falling in love with each other. I though I had the advantage of knowing his flaws before I stated dating him because we were best friends. We had an amazing relationship and I had never been happier. We were engaged in December and had planned to get married in August. 2 months ago, I learned he was a PA. His addiction lead him to cross many lines I would not normally stand for including swapping pics with people online.

It understandably took him a while to be completely honest with the details of his addiction. The more I found out, the more hurt I became. When I found out that PA was a 'thing', and a very prevalent thing, it gave me a sense of peace because it made sense to me.

Once my PA confessed to me and acknowledged his addiction, he took action. He immediately placed accountability software on his phone, he started reading articles, books, blogs and anything he could get his hands on regarding addiction. He stated running again to replace the physicality of the addiction. On top of that he started meditating and keeping a journal. He is now seeking therapy for both himself and us. He has made strides in his confidence and happiness. Our communication has never been better.

So why do I still feel so bad? Why can't I shake it? I still have the urge to flee even though he is doing everything right. I went from never having a single doubt about marrying him to having a whole mountain of doubt on my shoulders. Actions speak louder than words, and he has shown me nothing but positive actions. So why can't I move on? There are moments when I recognize all the hard work he has done in the past couple of months and I see just how important this is for him. But I still find myself crying wondering what to do?

Is there an end to this feeling? Will I ever feel normal and capable of trusting again? After posting on different forums, I have found no hope for us as a couple. The responses I get seem to be along the lines of "wait for it, it will come back'. Or "back out while you can" or something similar. I searched for forums looking for hope when maybe there isn't any. Maybe there is only reality and the reality is it probably won't work.

 

[sodonewithit]

I speak from the other side.

It would sound as though he has/is trying to right the wrong, it's not easy.  His admitting the addiction to you is a huge step, one that took me years as I was just blind.  I can't say it will get easy or time will heal but hopefully it will.  You need to do some unwinding yourself, this stuff hurts.

I wouldn't run but I had a great fear of my wife doing the same.  I can say that I feel that our relationship is stronger and better after my reboot, I think expect the same from him also.

Good luck and post often.  There are alot of good ladies here and aa few stand up guys also who would be happy to support you.

 

[Maxime]

Don't despair. Remember you don't have to get married this year if you're scared.
It sounds like he's doing everything he should be doing, right now, so why give up on him? Because of strangers telling you it's hopeless? Strangers who probably know nothing (just like us) of the way you guys deal with the situation and live your life?

Being a couple means working through the hardships.
I don't recommend marrying anyone if you're gonna give up at the first (albeit a big one) problem.
One day, you might have a problem or another and you'll be glad to have him by your side, as a team.

 

[Serendipity77]

I know you feel hopeless right now, as the wife of a PA I really understand that feeling!

However, your situation sounds very positive in the fact that he has admitted his addiction. This is a huge step. The other measures he is taking too sounds as though he really wants to change.

Sadly, my husband is currently in denial.

Stay strong & try to keep your thoughts focussed on you.

Good luck

 

[chickaboomski]

@treehugger513, You are so not alone, but as serendipity said... You are in a very promising position with his actions, honesty and admitting addiction. Just like Serendipity, my partner has not admitted his addiction, but admits his use of porn has hurt us and our relationship unknowingly. I am still new at this, but there are lots of success stories and closer relationships that have got through it on this forum. There is still the hurt after your PA has recovered. I know, I am hurting still and will for some time to come. But my relationship is closer than before I spoke to him about slipping away. I can advise you this as a married and divorced woman (not relating to porn) Marriage is a commitment for life that if you doubt beforehand is a waste of time and nothing but a legality that makes it hard to move on. There would be no harm in postponing it until you have no doubt left. And I am sure you PA would agree and support you as you are him. I will say though, from some of the things you said he has done in order to beat this, and to not lose you, and the fat you were best friends first. Definitely sounds to me like love worth saving and fighting for. It ain't always easy, it's how we ride out the storms that makes the sunshine so beautiful.
Hope that was some help Xx

 

[treehugger513]

Thanks everyone for all the support. I find hope in this site and the people on it! Your words, support and success stories are worth more than I could ever say.

It is hard, but I am trying to focus on me. My PA is doing so well and is feeling more happy each day in his sobriety. He says he feels happier everyday. I am so pumped to see him doing so well. I still find it hard to find my happiness and focus on myself. The past few months have been spent setting my PA up for success in his recovery. He has been pushing me and pushing himself to understand what I am going through as well because of how traumatic it can be.

I have started keeping a journal to help on my recovery to discover any patterns in my moods, thoughts or behaviors.

I will continue to come to the forums for support and insight.

 

[sodonewithit]

Good to hear, as a man I ask forgiveness for your guy.  It's odd, while we knew it was wrong and clearly hid it from those we care about it was near impossible to stop.  After coming clean and ridding of the guilt it's shocking to use hindsight.  I suspect he is feeling more of a man and he wants you, this is the process I had. 

All the best.

 

[unlovedwife]

Treehugger, you are not alone. Many, many people have gone through it and I am glad to hear that things are going well for you. There will be ups and downs, but good on you and your man for doing the difficult stuff now so you can have a good life later.
Good luck.