Journal of Motivation - Tips are welcome to sooth myself

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PhoenixRevival

Member
I am Day 2.

    Did I use porn today? - Highlly temped to hence I am posting here.
    What were my triggers? - Since that morning, there are visual cues of women at work. I have an erection
because I did not O yesterday, one day and I am like a monster who is voyeurism every moving women.
Also, the fact that I am alone at home makes me think I have to do it.
Makes me think if i don't O now, I will be uncomfortable tomorrow.

    How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - By posting here right now..
    What am I grateful for today? - For not going to the porn sites so far..
    Day counter!
 
D

dc6

Member
One day at a time. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. If you worry about what might happen, that will pressure you to cave. There will be very tough days ahead. Just think before you act and don't rationalize using porn. There will literally never be a physical benefit to you to using it. The only mental-type benefit would be soothing your craving for a fix.

Stay strong bro
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Thanks bro,
Managed make it till day 3!! :) Thanks for advice on its just a mental craving, I used to convince myself that there were physical benefits to it and succumbed easily.

So Day 3:
Was very tough to sleep, but I overtired myself learning new things and meditated and tried focus on other things.
But seeing benefits of it already, day was superb today.
I did not feel tired at all!! It is weird but true, never realised how PMO tired me.
I slept same little amount of time as normal days with porn but felt much fitter, could concentrate more at work, felt more alive. So that's what its like when I don't release the sperms... They swim to my brain or what? :)
At work, I tried to oogle less at colleagues, also while driving, I tried avoid stare too much at pretty girls by the road.
Today I am finding it less difficult than yesterday, I did it once so I can do it again na?
I know will become later by the night, especially at half time football.. I must prepare myself do something if foot is boring.
So see you guys soon.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Day 6.
Am full of life, more than ever.
Am able get more things done and more confidence.
I stutter much much less, able to connect more with people since I feel less shame and guilt.
I am avoiding all triggers. no PMO till now. great forum. thanks
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Some random illuminations.
- Masturbation drains lots of energy.
- Must repect women - value them. I am able look at women in the eyes straight on.
I am scared of myself, getting turned on easily. Scared to be embarassed.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Day 9:
- Cravings started again.
- Day had more energy than usual. More confidence. Less sweating, no stuttering. Could see things clearer.
- Feels like my balls are going to explode. Why ain't I having any wet dreams? Anyone same situation?
- Girl I fantasize about lots, practically everyday talked to me, couldn't help feel my balls becoming hard, like concentrated steel. I guess reasons for my cravings. Maybe one of the reasons of guilt and shame is I PMO while fantasizing about her at nights, and I feel am unfaithful to my wife, anyone of you in same situation?
 
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arthur

Member
This is usually about the time where it gets difficult for me. I hope you're now on day 12, but if not: relapsing is always an opportunity to learn. What triggers got me this time? How can I avoid them/cope with them better in the future?
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Thanks arthur :)
Was away from internet for weekend and I guess that does some damage in the end.
Had sex with wife last night, my aim. It was better than usual. I was more in the present and did not have to think of actresses or outside people to O.
Today I have MO, a moment of shame and some guilt for me.
Fantasized about colleague from work.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
OK for tracking

Day 14: Excellent day. Sex with wife. Was huge relief. Felt like a whale releasing sperms.

Day 15: Much worser day. Relapsed I should say, MO'd fantasizing about work colleague.
No porn though which is some improvement but feeling guilt and shame.
Made a separate counter for porn view and MO since feels discouraged to feel failure.
 
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arthur

Member
Hey Phoenix, good to see you're still on board! You should be proud of yourself, 15 days is quite an achievement!

I'm sorry to read that you feel bad about MO'ing. I still do it from time to time as it really helps me to reduce the cravings for P. So far, I've managed to only think about my wife while doing it. It's a whole different kind of fantasizing, more about touches and smells than visuals, but I'm starting to really like it (though it takes a lot longer for me to O than with the usual P-inspired fantasies).

The reason I don't want to fantasize about other women however has very little to do with morals, but a lot with pragmatics. Fantasizing about sex with my wife is much more "real" than fantasizing about P actresses, or women I know in real life that I've never even seen naked. M'ing while thinking about my wife makes me want to have sex with her, while M'ing while thinking about someone else often makes me want to watch P.

So the shame and guilt you write about don't really come into play for me here. These I reserve for when I actually have a P relapse, because a P relapse means I'm hurting myself, my family, and my career. MO'ing just means that I'm releasing some steam without causing anybody any harm, as long as I do it in a way that does not bring me closer to a relapse.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Arthur, felt bad yesterday but had amazing day today.
MO'ing does have its benefits as well. Felt more relaxed and in peace with myself.
I guess maybe the solution is to MO'ing not to porn but to healthy things.
 
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Twostroke

Member
Hi Arthur and Phoenix, i agree with your sentiments about MOing, as long as it doesn't involve thoughts of P. Like you Arthur i've found it helps reduce the cravings and let off steam. As far as i'm concerned PMO is the enemy, not plain MO. I'm hoping that the more times i MO while abstaining from P, that my brain will get rewired to the fact that i don't need porn to get release.

Before i started my recovery i found that i couldn't MO without P. Now i can MO just to the sensations and thoughts of my girlfriend, which feels much healthier. I don't think i get the same level of dopamine rush from MO as i did from long porn binges, so sometimes there's a voice in the back of my brain saying 'it'd be better with P', but i know that's just the still addicted part of my brain trying to get its fix, and that voice is getting weaker.

In the 45 days i have been PMO free, i have MOed 4 times, twice in the first 30 days, as i was scared of MOing in that period because of the dreaded 'chaser effect'. I have to say that i haven't really had a problem with the chaser effect so far, and i don't quite understand the concern over it really. If you get intense cravings then go have a MO and relieve the pressure. Even if it means MOing every day for a while is that a problem? surely you'll be slowly wiring your brain to O without P, which after all is the goal.

That's going to be my policy anyway, however i do appreciate that it may not be for everyone.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Hi travelog, thanks for comment. what is that chaser effect?
For me, my main concern was that i MOed thinking of a colleague at work, I feel it is kind of unhealthy as it makes me feel guilty and shameful afterwards.
Somehow I tend to think that if i MOed thinking of a stranger (say a P actress), it is healthier. Mayb that's my P side of my brain talking right now.

Day 18:
Managing by doing tiresome work on pc that involves lots of concentration. Also facebooking more than ever.
Not so much craving since my MOed 3 days ago hasn't built up again. easier than days before.
This time I will try not MO for longest possible. I believe it will help myself understand my capacities and learn about myself more. Will be more aware and
can have more self control.
 
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arthur

Member
The chaser effect is increased craving for P after sex, sometimes leading to a relapse. Some people have experienced this, and therefore recommend against sex during a reboot. I've experienced this myself during my last reboot attempt, and tried to abstain from sex afterwards. Didn't work of course.

My thoughts about the chaser effect nowadays are different. I think I may have experienced it back than simply because I knew of it: it was a welcome excuse for the P-loving part of my brain to get me to watch P again. "Ah, it's the chaser effect. You've read all about how powerful and irresistible it is right? So there's really no use in trying to fight it. Just give in, and deal with the consequences later!". Also, back then I tried to abstain from M as well. I don't do that any more, which might help to avoid the chaser effect (if it's a real thing). But everyone is different of course. I think it's important that we give ourselves the freedom the experiment and see a relapse not as a catastrophe that means we're stuck with P forever, but just a sign that the approach we've taken so far wasn't right for us.

Be wary of the photos you look at on Facebook! I can tell you from experience that seemingly harmless things can bring back a landslide of P memories and cravings.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
ok thanks for explanation arthur. Experienced chaser effect fully when I MOd then.
Am not scared of facebook because I did not use it that much when i P. used very rarely so its quite dissociated from P in my brain.
Its as if something new for me.

Day 20 journal entry:
Another 10 days to make a month since I watched P.
Realised today that my social anxiety did not go. P is just a sympton but not the main cause. I need to work on getting back my self esteem.
Sexual thoughts runs through my head which makes me not very sociable. Spotlight effect, as if I am the center of attention.
Scared that someone can read my thoughts of wanting to hump that moving female.
I have a high libido that my wife can't satisfy. that's a fact. Would I have been happier with a nymph? bizarre thought.
Maybe my reason for P. filling that empty void. Is it justified then? my brain hunting down reasons to bring me back to P.
try harder brain, you are doing that because its sunday night, am alone in front of pc and 20 days. geez. better go watch tv.




 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Day 26 without P!!
relapse for MO after day 10.
babe at work turns me on too much. Had to MO. wanted come to site before but urge was stronger.
Realized that exposure to people and public makes me feel stressed and I find my refuge from P.
Right now wanting to watch P, all conditions combined for P
-> am alone at home
-> feel a bit low on confidence
-> was exposed to lots of hot babes
-> feeling urge and am very tired.
Also, I realised that after my MO, I don't feel so much shame and guilt now.
Afterall it is normal thing to MO na? I did it without P so far.
in 26 days, only two MO's, as if one MO per 10-16 days when I used to MO every 1-2 days! at least 7 times a week.
Damn thing though, can't remember my password for counter so can't reset MO counter. will have to remember to subtract 10 from it.
 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
Day 31: a whole month without P.

Yes making it so far. Last night I had serious urges though, just like today.
One of the things preventing me relapse to P is to have MO without P if urge is too high. so am relapsing to MO instead of P on average every 12 days.
After relapsing to MO, I have no urge for P then. Kind of like a backup plan. And guilt is much less after relapse to MO.
Today thought about porn because of really tough day. Been watching game of thrones everyday, thought would relapse but faring well so far.
- NO p sure making me more energetic but somehow I feel more stupid during the day.
I am no longer as efficient at work, is this the urge making me think so that I relapse?]
Another illusion, porn is just a sympton for my problems, not the absolute cure.
Must work on my shyness and social anxieties.


 
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PhoenixRevival

Member
MO'd yesterday and wednesday last week.. Had to MO yesterday because all the cravings for P came back like hell..
I think MO thinking of sexy gal at work helped relieve P craving some. Today P urges have returned after a while. Think will MO to cool it down.
But I just discovered that MO somehow brings back urges for P !! big style..
Was absolutely certain I would fall back to P last night, if I didn't MO straight away when home I would have.
Also, I was not following disciplined lifestyle, had let go of meditation, exercise, journaling positive experience, I need to get back at it..
Was helping.. Also anxieties I faced made me think more of P lately. work anxieties and social anxieties..
But still going strong without P, I won't succomb to you P. I have MO as backup.. tough tough..
 
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