Day 67: Bad relapse

[davenl]

Update day 32

The last couple of days I found myself being restless, eager for having sex. I did not sleep well and noticed a few urges, but these are now easy to get rid of. My cuddle buddy stayed over this week. We went to bed together. She wanted to sleep and I had a really hard time to accept that. When I want sex, I want it now. But of course I know this is not the way things work, only with porn. So I made a new deal with myself and with her, since she didn't like my reaction when she told me she didn't want to have sex. From now on I will wait until she approaches me and shows me she wants to have sex. It's kinda hard, but it is a good thing to learn myself.

Yesterday, only two days later, she started touching me. I immediately got hard. I realised how the sensitisation is doing it's job. We had sex and for the first time in my life, it was so sensitive, that it couldn't go on for hours. Actually, after a few minutes I made her come and could not hold myself back anymore. I guess this is premature ejaculation, right?

I don't want to experience that anymore, but in a way, I felt good about it. It was so sensitive that it made me feel like being back again. Now I have to deal with the PE, I guess.

I am doing kegel excersises every day for about 2,5 weeks now. I am not sure, but I am getting hard as a rock, so I guess it is helping me. On the other hand, I've also heard that doing kegels might cause PE. Do make sure this doesn't happen you need to do reverse kegel excersises too. I tried to read about it but it doesn't really make sense to me. Anyone who has experience with reverse kegels?

Thanks!

 

[that1beachguy]

Not sure about reverse kegals... But I know the first couple times having sex after "getting back in the game" I came reaaally quick not fast enough to call it premature ejaculation ( I don't think) but definitely quicker than I wanted. The next go around I slowed things down ... A lot, that seems to help. It allows my mind to calm the excitement and anticipation a little bit... Far enough to stay in control but not so Dar to lose your wood. If I'm not mistaken kegals are supposed to give you greater control over ejaculation not less... It's supposed to work the muscle that contracts to keep you from ejaculation... Not sure though

 

[davenl]

Not sure about reverse kegals... But I know the first couple times having sex after "getting back in the game" I came reaaally quick not fast enough to call it premature ejaculation ( I don't think) but definitely quicker than I wanted. The next go around I slowed things down ... A lot, that seems to help. It allows my mind to calm the excitement and anticipation a little bit... Far enough to stay in control but not so Dar to lose your wood. If I'm not mistaken kegals are supposed to give you greater control over ejaculation not less... It's supposed to work the muscle that contracts to keep you from ejaculation... Not sure though

Yes I can recall your posts on that. But I didn't. Had sex 3 times before and I had no problems to hold the O whatsoever. I guess it has something to do with the sentisisation. I guess this is the first time that I could feel anything something like a 100% again. So I am going to take it easy next time, like you did. See how it goes.

When is something PE and when is it not? I came after about 15 minutes of oral and 10 minutes of intercourse. Is that PE? Normally, I could go on for hours without any problems.

What you say about kegels is true. They are there to make the muscles stronger, so there is more bloodflow and being able to stay there. However, some guys say if your muscles are getting too strong, you might cause PE with it because things are getting to sensitive. So I was wondering (even a bit scared) if this would be the case with me.

Some people talk about reversed kegels exercises next to the normal exercises to train the muscles both way: in power and relaxation. These should make it less sensitive... I don't know. I am going to try, but any tips are most welcome

 

[davenl]

Update day 36

Alright, the last couple of days have been completely crazy.

I have spend all weekend together with my cuddle buddy. We had sex on friday evening, but she wasn't in the mood for it on saturday or sunday. But I was. I felt really frustrated and I talked to her about it. She said she couldn't help it if you was not in the mood and it would certainly not be good to put any pressure on it. Ofcourse I agree, but somehow, I felt I owned her and I should have had sex whenever I wanted. I don't know where these thoughts come from, but they are not good...

After the weekend I had a lot of powerfull urges. I was talking to myself about how bad it would be to go back to PMO for just once. My cock started working again right, so why would it be bad. Those kind of things. I managed to keep it all away, but I have to say, I think these withdrawl sympoms are the worst I had since week 2 of my reboot. Maybe it has something to do with being so incredebly horny all the time. But I made a deal with myself only to come with a girl, no MO or PMO. So I stick to it, but it feels like the fantasies are getting more by the minute. Even my old fetishes return. Any advice and experience would be welcomed. Thanks!

 

[that1beachguy]

DON'T DO IT! NOT WORTH IT... NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. You've already made such great progress don't backslide now... I understand what you mean about bad thoughts back when I PMOd constantly I had this girlfriend who didn't want to give head... She did a couple times but still she wasn't crazy about it... I remember thinking "she's my gf.  She's supposed to blow me" etc etc. Not good thoughts... I think in your case it's the old PMO objectification of women trying to find life in your REAL sex life... It's whispering in your ear saying "she won't but I will" don't listen to her (the PMO temptress that is, let's call her Patty Marie Oswald). Pattys a real bitch , patty just wants your soul and your attention and then she's going to leave you alone, cold and sad. Don't let patty in the door, let her starve outside the confines of your mind.

 

[mayane]

Rebooting, getting healed is not easy. It is a struggle. Embrace the struggle. Look forward to the hardships. Whoever said this was going to be easy? 
You have made tremendous progress. What would you rather have?  A real woman who loves you,  who you love, who you can hold, laugh and cry with?  Or an abused exploited woman somewhere who is not even real bur just a bunch of pixels on screen?
You have made the right choice and stick with it.
Speak to your brain. When it tries to trick you tell it a joke. When it flashes images you in turn flash an image of a dancing Mickey Mouse.
The urges last a minute. But the joy of not giving in lasts forever.
Stay strong my friend - you inspire us all.
Best.

 

[davenl]

Thanks thatbeachguy! Hahaha I couldn't stop laughing when I read your post about Patty. Think she is hot, but screw her.. ;-) It has been a great help!

Thanks Mayanne for your kind message! I haven't went back to PMO, P subs or MO but it was definitely hard.

It wasn't until now that I realise the chaser effect (patty) really got me. It's so crazy. I have read all of yourbrainonporn articles a thousand times, as well as the posts on this forum. I knew exactly what I was going to experience during this reboot, including flatlines, chaser effects, depression, etc., etc.

Every part was a crazy roller coaster and it took a lot of effort and patience to get it over with, but I was in control all the time. No matter how long it would take. This last couple of days however, I was really not aware of the fact that a chaser effect had me. I was really frustrated not having sex, thinking about the fact that I could MO, angry with the girl that see was not longing for me. Yes, even physical things like painful balls came back again. It was just so real, too real. I wasn't aware at all that it was just one big show. It took four days guys, four f*cking days!

But I didn't give in. And now, my feet are back on the ground and I realise it was just a (very bad) chaser effect (beachguy called her Patty). I am laughing my ass off. I am so relaxed and feeling powerful right now. This is the reward of not giving in and I am so happy about it.

Guys, anyone out there! Let this be an example for anyone. My reboot has been the perfect storm and from the books. I had a flatline the first two weeks. When things got better I had a cuddle buddy to have sex with and I got hard enough for intercourse the first time, after three weeks. The following two weeks things got better and better. Now I am at a point of confidence that I will get hard whenever the possibility of sex arrives. And to be honest, it was hard but I was very in control the whole time. And BAM: 33 days, out of the blue, I got a huge chaser that lasted for 4 days. And I was not even aware of the fact it was a chaser effect, eventhough I studied so much on this matter if like I would get and PHD on it. It's so dangerous! Keep sharp the whole time, because a real big set back can happen to you in minutes! If I can do it, anyone can do it! Keep going strong!

 

[that1beachguy]

Way to make it through the gauntlet my friend... Baptism by fire.. You have made it through and came out stronger on the other side. Proud of you!

 

[davenl]

After the chaser effect had cooled down yesterday, It was time to meet up with my cuddle buddy. We had a nice evening together and when we went to bed she wanted to have sex. So we did. Other than last time, when I was completely in heaven and could feel everything perfectly, this time it was different. It was ok, but not very special. I didn't have any problems to get hard though. The thing is that I had to work so hard all the time to not O that I didn't really enjoyed it. Besides that, I was wondering if she liked it much. I don't know. It doesn't seem to be very good right now, the day after. I feel a bit of a hangover, without any alcohol. Maybe next time will be better again.

Ow that's right, I quit smoking two days ago! Could that have something to do with this? I mean with the dopamine rebalancing or something?

 

[that1beachguy]

Your hangover is probably from no nicotine... Everything else seems to be on par... I had to concentrate for awhile not to O... But I think it will pass ... I think your body and mind are recalibrating. Once you gain confidence and are able to gauge your sensitivity better you'll be able to better anticipate. Right now all switches are being turned back on... It can be overwhelming... It happened (might still be happening) to me but I don't see it as discouraging... I see it as a welcome challenge... Because at least I can get hard now... I'd much rather have that than deal with PIED again... No thanks.

 

[phoenix0015]

a great story davenl,

you are doing so great. And fact that you made so much progress in relatively short time gives me hope. I don't have a cuddle buddy like you so sex is anyway not an option for me.

I think having a special someone is  a great thing so make sure everything goes right with her.

Our mind and and body have become our enemies. So they will play every trick in thr book to  make you relapse. So don't ever let your guards down. Anxiety can be very much part of reboot process so let it pass.

Best of luck and keep coming back.

 

[davenl]

Your hangover is probably from no nicotine... Everything else seems to be on par... I had to concentrate for awhile not to O... But I think it will pass ... I think your body and mind are recalibrating. Once you gain confidence and are able to gauge your sensitivity better you'll be able to better anticipate. Right now all switches are being turned back on... It can be overwhelming... It happened (might still be happening) to me but I don't see it as discouraging... I see it as a welcome challenge... Because at least I can get hard now... I'd much rather have that than deal with PIED again... No thanks.

You hit it spot on again I think. The hangover could be from no nicotine, but I read lots of stuff about guys that are in the middle of their rewiring process and feel hangovers because of dopamine rebalancing. They indeed say it passes. It does feel overwelming for sure. Strangely, things are harder for me than I remember from the frist few weeks. It lacks fun and feeling improvement. Do you feel the same? This morning I woke up with thoughts about fetishes again and it was so much fun and my mind tells me to go for it again. But.. I am blessed with strong willpower, so I tell to myself I won't go back there.

But it does feel hard, even though I am now fully aware of the fact that it is all part of it. I guess, I am now finding out that it is certainly not just about getting hard again. Because my erections are returning that's no longer an issues really. What is getting more important now is fighting the addiction itself and become a stronger person. I don't know if you experience the same, but I feel my body is getting stronger again, my mind is very strong, but my soul feels weak. Very weak. I don't know who I am sometimes, feeling emotional, sad, lack of confidence, a little depressed and not into social interaction. It's like I need to go through this to rebalance that soul again and make it powerfull again to enjoy life. For some reason I think this reboot could help me out with that. How about you? Where do you stand right now?

 

[davenl]

a great story davenl,

you are doing so great. And fact that you made so much progress in relatively short time gives me hope. I don't have a cuddle buddy like you so sex is anyway not an option for me.

I think having a special someone is  a great thing so make sure everything goes right with her.

Our mind and and body have become our enemies. So they will play every trick in thr book to  make you relapse. So don't ever let your guards down. Anxiety can be very much part of reboot process so let it pass.

Best of luck and keep coming back.

Hi Phoenix thanks a lot for your support. Things are going pretty damn well. I am happy for that and it makes me even more happy to know that my story does inspire you, my friend.

Try to find a cuddle buddy. Myself and others around here find it a tremendous tool to give the rewiring process a boost.

I am definately holding on. I will not let all of this progress fade away! How are your 3 days going? Feeling stronger already?

 

[davenl]

Your hangover is probably from no nicotine... Everything else seems to be on par... I had to concentrate for awhile not to O... But I think it will pass ... I think your body and mind are recalibrating. Once you gain confidence and are able to gauge your sensitivity better you'll be able to better anticipate. Right now all switches are being turned back on... It can be overwhelming... It happened (might still be happening) to me but I don't see it as discouraging... I see it as a welcome challenge... Because at least I can get hard now... I'd much rather have that than deal with PIED again... No thanks.

You hit it spot on again I think. The hangover could be from no nicotine. However I read lots of stuff about guys that are in the middle of their rewiring process and feel hangovers because of dopamine rebalancing. They indeed say it passes. It does feel overwelming for sure. Strangely, things are harder for me than I remember from the frist few weeks. It lacks fun and feeling improvement. Do you feel the same? This morning I woke up with thoughts about fetishes again and it was so much fun and my mind tells me to go for it again. But.. I am blessed with strong willpower, so I tell to myself I won't go back there. Maybe it would be a good idea to skip the sex for some time and give it some more rest again. Did you do that the same way?

But it does feel hard, even though I am now fully aware of the fact that it is all part of it. I guess, I am now finding out that it is certainly not just about getting hard again. Because my erections are returning that's no longer an issues really. What is getting more important now is fighting the addiction itself and become a stronger person. I don't know if you experience the same, but I feel my body is getting stronger again, my mind is very strong, but my soul feels weak. Very weak. I don't know who I am sometimes, feeling emotional, sad, lack of confidence, a little depressed and not into social interaction. It's like I need to go through this to rebalance that soul again and make it powerfull again to enjoy life. For some reason I think this reboot could help me out with that. How about you? Where do you stand right now?

 

[that1beachguy]

I think you are exactly right... I have always been pretty timid and nonconfrontational but I feel that part of me slipping further and further away... During an important part of our development we took shelter in the world of PMO. For my part, I know I didn't allow myself the opportunity to develop a strong, confident emotional foundation. That arrested development now has room to finish nature's work and wire our brains the way we are meant to be. The emotional impact of this is going to be different for everyone but I have to believe it will level off at some point. I know I am happier letting it happen rather than being who I was... I couldn't even make eye contact with women without quickly looking away. I don't do that anymore. I don't need to.

Like you Every once in awhile a thought will creep into my brain that I have to force back out. But also like you I rely on my resolve and willpower to get me through it. Even before I started swearing off PMO I was a believer that anyone could accomplish what they want with the power of their own mind, you and I are testament to that my friend... 

Eventually this will all be a distant memory and you will have to try to remember the issues that you faced, but until then... Grab hold of your resolve and don't let go

 

[davenl]

I think you are exactly right... I have always been pretty timid and nonconfrontational but I feel that part of me slipping further and further away... During an important part of our development we took shelter in the world of PMO. For my part, I know I didn't allow myself the opportunity to develop a strong, confident emotional foundation. That arrested development now has room to finish nature's work and wire our brains the way we are meant to be. The emotional impact of this is going to be different for everyone but I have to believe it will level off at some point. I know I am happier letting it happen rather than being who I was... I couldn't even make eye contact with women without quickly looking away. I don't do that anymore. I don't need to.

Like you Every once in awhile a thought will creep into my brain that I have to force back out. But also like you I rely on my resolve and willpower to get me through it. Even before I started swearing off PMO I was a believer that anyone could accomplish what they want with the power of their own mind, you and I are testament to that my friend... 

Eventually this will all be a distant memory and you will have to try to remember the issues that you faced, but until then... Grab hold of your resolve and don't let go

Yes you are so right. I find myself being a little easier in checking facebook pics and stuff than before. Maybe that is part of the fact that things feel more heavy than before. I guess overconfidence takes things over a little now erections are better and better again. But I need to stop doing it and keep in total restriction of any artificial stuff. So I will focus on that again. I have to say that quiting smoking is not a really good idea to combine it with ;-) but what the hell... Im 5 days in already And as you said: we can accomplish anything we want with the power of our own mind. Too bad we cannot crab a beer sometime mate! We are sharing live changing experiences, helping eachother out and yet, have no idea who we are talking too.

How are things going with you at the moment?

 

[that1beachguy]

Things are going alright... Cooling my jets for awhile since my girls time of the month... I will admit that temptation is higher when sex is not an option. Just trying to keep my head on straight. We are going camping next weekend so that will be nice to get away.

Agree about the beer. But what can ya do?

 

[davenl]

Things are going alright... Cooling my jets for awhile since my girls time of the month... I will admit that temptation is higher when sex is not an option. Just trying to keep my head on straight. We are going camping next weekend so that will be nice to get away.

Agree about the beer. But what can ya do?

Yes I know... I don't know either. I find myself sneeking at pics, intimate scenes in Game of Thrones, etc. It's not that I am actively searching for them, not even that I want to MO or something. But I am not looking away anymore. Is that harmfull you think? I think so. I am going to add a second counter for P subs.

Keep you head clean. Don't do anything until the camping arrives. Don't forget it will be much better when you actually have sex!

 

[davenl]

Day 42 - Self confidence

So here is a new update. Things are going pretty well at the time. Quitting cigarettes is harder than I thought. Not really the mental part, but more the physical syndromes have been not that easy. And now after one week I expect them to get much worse. I already have massive headaches and a sore throat.

It might have been a little over enthusiastic to stop this addiction too right now. I feel like I need to have some fun, but now everything is getting hard. Besides that it is more difficult right now to understand where thoughts are coming from and what they are linked too. Those two things made me going back to an old mailbox, from there to some fetish social networks and dating sites. Spend some time there a couple of days. I don't feel like it harms me, but I know it's wrong and not helping the reboot. So I stopped it again and I will actively pay attention to P subs. I don't go to porn anymore and certainly not PMO, but I know P-subs might be just as bad, even tough I don't M or O.

I set up a counter to stay without P subs. So let's go for it! One thing I find hard is that these subs are almost everywhere. Magazines, torrent site ads, facebook pics, twitter, game of thrones, absolutely anywhere! How do you guys manage to deal with these things? And do you have any tips to avoid them? I ignored them at first, but I found out I am starting to look at them more again...

 

[CrazyGopher]

Greetings davenl,

The P subs thing is tough for me too. One thing some guys have found useful is to block images and/or ads in the web browser. That could take care of the torrent site ads, facebook pics, and twitter. I am not sure how to do this on mobile devices, but there are some instructions for Google Chrome and it is possible in other desktop browsers as well. I have been doing that personally for years, and I am very happy with the results!

That's about the only thing I can think of. Maybe some others will chime in? And I am sure you will discover some good techniques on your own that you can share with the rest of us as well! ;D