Full relapse today (after 67 days). I really fucked up... Too bad. Angry with myself, but it was something I couldn't avoid. At least, not anymore.
It started two weeks ago. I really want to meet a nice girl again to connect with. I felt strong and great about it so I visited a dating site. This started to consume more time as the days moved on, seeing more pics. Starting to feel easier about P-subs. In the meantime I wasn't having any sexual encounters which warmed things up quite a bit and before I knew I was contacting one of my fav webcam babes again. I could manage not to M or O during encounters with her for 2 days. But today I couldn't resist anymore. And somehow I needed to O to stop this full blown relapse from happening after two weeks.
When I visited the camgirl again things felt so good. I never realised it before, but now, because I am so focussed on what I am feeling, I could really feel the dopamine rush. Extremely powerful, really like a drug. Unbelievable, I now understand it better than before. It was like heaven, but the rush only stayed there as long as she was exciting me. After she left, I O'd, and wrote her that I would not come back.
It happened an hour ago. I don't feel depressed (yet). I am calm, annoyed and a bit angry. Disappointed with myself mainly, but somehow I also feel relief. I'm curious how this mental state will evolve over the next couple of days, but for now I feel more like I needed this to stay away from porn for good. Only thing that frightens me is if the desentization and ED is back. I did feel changes the last couple of days. I was fantasizing all the time, couldn't sleep and I did not get hard only by touching. So far I think, even if you are already a long way into reboot, your old problem will be back in a matter of days, maybe even hours. Now it will be interesting to see if it will stay and how fast it will heal again. Scary but interesting.
We'll just start over, but I don't feel that exited about the reboot too much. I do feel a little flatline but I had this for a couple of days after every orgasm I had after sex during the reboot for, so that's not something to worry about I guess. We will see if the ED will come back. For sure I know now that after 67 days of succesfull reboot, things are getting normal, which is very very dangerous.
I do have contact with one nice girl. So let's hope it brings something nice. And maybe some of you guys can tell me how to cope with this as an addict and the age of online dating...
