A Peon No More

[Promise]

I'm fed up of allowing this poison into my life, of being held, back, of making excuses and sabotaging my potential.

From now, it ends.  It's time to actually do what I want, to enjoy my life, stop living like a slave.  It's time to actually do what I want, not what I feel compelled to do.  No more going through the motions, no more making excuses.  I'm fucking fed up of it.  I'm sick to death of it.  No more.  Ever.

No more mistreating my friends through neglect, no more regret, no more feeling like a peon when I should be a king.

This is day 0, and it is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

[Promise]

Warning: Stream of Consciousness Incoming...

I'm forcing myself to write here as I really don't feel as though I have the time to post here at all, let alone make a proper post.  My days are pretty jam packed, which is a good thing in one respect, but I feel so stressed, and I turn to P as a relief, even though I know it's a terrible response to stress.  I'm going to do what I've done today every night, insofar as make an effort to post, read the forums, be more active in my own reboot.

My attempts have been just... lacklustre to say the least.  Thankfully I have a very good life, and pretty good self-esteem, but there's this demon on my shoulder every day.  I cave in to cravings too easily.  I've forgotten what I learned from my more successful earlier attempts, and I need to come back here, re-focus and learn new wisdoms.  Something needs to change, because I really havn't been getting very far.

Like I said, I'll post here and do the best I can to abstain.  Hopefully I can learn more and equip myself to get through the hardest days, because I know it's worth it.  The earliest days are the hardest, and because I've been stuck here for so long I've tricked myself into thinking it's always this hard.  Writing it down like that makes it so plain and clear, it's one example of why keeping a diary is so important, so that's what I'm going to do.

Prom signing out for now, I'll check back in tomorrow after work (Early start, busy day )

 

[Zaphenath]

Don't dwell on it my friend. Learn as much as you can from this failure so it will not happen in the future. Good luck!

 

[Promise]

Thanks, Zap, I've learned that this process is all about looking forwards, and not dwelling on the past.

Day 0

I felt abysmal this morning, pretty much the same as last night, if not worse, just wanting to stay in and do nothing, hide from the world.  Half way through the working day I perked up quite a bit, and had a pretty good day after all.  Was a long one, but was okay.  Just had my piano lesson, don't have as much time to practise as I would like, but that's going okay too.

Now I just need to keep trucking, keep up this diary and keep fresh in my mind why I'm doing this.

 

[Promise]

Day 1

It's been an okay day with regards to rebooting.  It was an early start and has been go go go all day, so I really havn't had any time to think about anything else.  It's good to be busy :3

I will be going away on Sunday, so it will be good to get away with my friends.

Hangovers are a big trigger for me, I use porn as a sedative, or an anaesthetic.  It makes the pain more bearable.  I really enjoy drinking socially though, so I don't know what to do.  I don't have any alcohol problems, so I can forgo it, but I have some really interesting experiences when drinking.  I don't want to quit entirely, or maybe I'll make sure I only drink a little when I do.

 

[Promise]

Had a craving just now, my mind thought it would be nice to look at porn, and when that happens it seems that my mind makes an attempt to block out any reasons I don't want to look, until all that's left is porn.  When cravings come along I need to be smart.  Addiction is crafty, and I need to be ready for that silly logic, and the lapse in reasoning.  I need to stay strong

First thing I did when the craving came along was think about Reboot Nation and making this post.  RN shall be my good habit when things get hard

Because of the craving, I think it would be a good idea to list a few of the things I want to achieve with the reboot:

• Improve my motivation
• Increase my social confidence, so I don't avert eye contact and feel uncomfortable around people
• I don't flake on my friends to isolate myself
• I don't wake up in the morning dreading having to leave the house
• I don't want to feel like my life is on hold
• I don't want my own sexuality to make me uncomfortable.

 

[Zaphenath]

Great goals Worth fighting for I like the sentence that addiction is crafty. Actually everytime we relapse we have strong reasons to do it, haven't we? It's funny how this "silly logic" can make using P totally justified. Remembering why we do the reboot is very important factor necessary to overcome rationalization coming from primitive part of the brain...

 

[Promise]

The night before last I was really horny and just couldn't sleep.  When I finally nodded off for an hour or so, I woke up, still horny and just went to town.  Really I should make more of an attempt to arrest fantasies and relax when I'm in that kind of mood.  Then yesterday I just didn't have the willpower to fight a craving, so I ended up just going off the hook and PMOing thrice.

Today was quite nice, went to a wedding and saw family I havn't seen in a while.  I felt rather socially awkward though, which is one of the things that improves when I quit PMO, and is one of my goals.  I go away until Thursday tomorrow, on a holiday with some friends, so I'm looking forward to that, and hope it gives me a bit of breathing room away from porn.

Right now I'm drinking a cider and listening to some Lou Reed, which is quite nice, but I'm feeling rather tired and craggy.  These feelings tend to be coupled with the desire to self-medicate with porn, but I'm not really interested in it right now.

 

[Promise]

Got back from the trip about an hour ago.  It was absolutely awesome, nice to get away and spend time with my friends, and now I'm totally knackered.  It was good to get away from porn too, the temptation is much lower when I'm away.  I feel okay right now, strong enough to keep going.  I also got offered an interview for a new job, which I'm excited about, it's an awesome opportunity, and I have some serious preparation to do!

So it's actually all going rather well now.  I do have work tomorrow, but it's only one day before the weekend, so it's not so bad.  Should be able to power through one day on 6 hours sleep (I tend to need my beauty sleep quite a lot).

Strength and love
-Prom

 

[Promise]

So after I got back from the trip I went to work on the Friday which was fine, then got a message from a friend about a local beer festival, so I popped along to that, had a pretty good night, went to a local pub and danced to some live music, then went back to mine and watched a movie.

All good stuff.  Unfortunately all the beer just completely dissolved my resolve, and I spent the entire weekend relapsing.  It's a shame, because I really felt more confident and able to deal with the things life was throwing my way.  Anyway, the conclusion I've come to is that I just can't drink alcohol.  At least not in any quantity enough to become tipsy or drunk.  It just makes resisting temptation so much more difficult.


The interview is coming up soon, and I'm bricking it as I don't know enough about the role, don't know what the technical questions are likely to entail.  I'm going to try and find someone to ask about the job tomorrow, I just hope I can come across as confident and competent enough.

I need to regroup and muster my strength, and realise that cravings are just my brain gagging for dopamine, and indulging them will be counter-productive.

Never give in.

Strength and Love
-Prom

 

[Promise]

I also think I'm playing way too many video games.  I like video games, and will probably play them all my life, but the way I'm using them now is not good, playing them when I have other important things I can be getting on with...

I shall endeavour to cut down.

 

[Promise]

Halp

 

[Hablablos]

Hello Promise,

mind if I ask what other things you do in your free time beside playing playing video games?

 

[Promise]

Occasionally work out, surf the web, drink tea and listen to music, play the piano a little.

I really need to stop this, I can't do this to myself any more.

 

[Promise]

I don't ever want to feel like I did today, it's never worth it.

 

[jnv]

You can do it mate. Just do not give up.

When you start considering the fact that you could take a "break" from this whole reboot process, do not listen to that voice.

There is no break during that kind of war. You only fight this addiction.

 

[Hablablos]

Hey man, how are you holding up?

 

[jnv]

Hang in there buddy!

 

[Promise]

Thanks for the support, and my apologies for being absent, I go through periods of ignoring this forum, but I really shouldn't, as the support is incredible, and something I really lack in my life.

I think I really need you guys to be successful in this process, so I will make an effort to get on here more often.

There is a lot of positivity in my life right now, my biggest problem is my addiction. I'm at a training retreat for my new job, shacked up in temporary accommodation, tried to go to the gym on campus, but one needs an induction for health and safety reasons :\

With nothing to do, and going slightly out of my mind I had a shower and gave in to MO. No P. P is my main concern. I want to get over my anxiety and get a partner. I want to break free, but I really need your help and support. I won't hide away any more, I'm going to come here every night.
This is so important to me, and has been for 3 years, yet I always slip. I'm a positive person and I know I can do this. No more weakness, no more excuses, take it seriously, because this is my life.

Let's do this.

 

[Promise]

Oh, I should probably mention, the interview I was bricking it about in an earlier post is the job I'm here training for now went up to speak to the interviewers before the interview and got all the info I needed and nailed it