newbie

[Jimbo]

The day after my ex girlfriend dumped me I figured out my problem. I had absolutely no idea that PMO could cause these issues. Was dealing with PIED for 6-7 years. It even cost me my marriage (the ex wife was convinced I was having an affair).  The ex girlfriend called me later that same day. I didn't tell her specifically what the issues was. Just that I know what it is, that its repairable, and I'm committed to fixing it. I remember that conversation vividly. Thinking about it now I probably came across as a little too excited. Well I was excited. I just learned that I was gonna be able to have sex again! Anyway, about 5 days after that I was having a good crying session (depressed and angry at myself for causing all this hurt) and she called again. That's when I told her everything. It was such a relief to actually talk to someone, especially someone directly affected by my behavior, about it. About 4-5 days later we were back together. You'll know when the time is right but just remember you guys are a team. Keeping secrets is not healthy for any relationship. Honesty is the best policy.

 

[hopeful]

LTD,
Same here. Becoming totaly honest was the right choice.get Some weight off your shoulders.
It 'll show your respect to your partner .after all , they didn't ask for this

 

[hopeful]

another thing I want to share with you all,
when I was beginning to heal myself, I was just as selfish, as when I was PMO'ing. The only thing that mattered, was to get rid of P, as soon as possible. It took all my energy for weeks. One time at the therapist, my wife was asked how she felt at that moment.
She literally bursts out in tears, but couldn't really tell why. The therapist asked her "Maybe, because he really sees you now for the first time?".
that was really an eyeopener for me.
I think we sometimes forget that there is often a loved one involved, who can be easily forgotten, when you're completely lost in your recovering process. Our success in recovering has every thing to do with the full support of our partners. When we show that we "see" her (or him), it 'll smoothen the way to reconnect, again. In my case I needed my wife's support, a 100%.

 

[hopeful]

I've had a terrific week. Everything's going for me right now.No PMN or MO, and not even considered .My relationship is also going up,
I commit myself in staying honest, and I keep talking to my wife. She feels good about herself also. Reading a lot here on RN, every day.
It really helps.Going strong.

 

[Bango Skank]

You are an inspiration to us all, Sensei  8)

 

[hopeful]

Thank you Bango Skank,
i just want you all to have the same feeling as I have right now.
The first sense of freedom. We all should be free, and live our lives like we want.
Keep on saying this, I couldn't have done it alone.
We're all here, cause we're fed up with this s**t.
Keep supporting, we can really make this happen, I' m sure.

 

[hopeful]

hi,
been good lately. Staying away from P , and getting a grip. But there's a hitch. Sometimes I have these flashbacks in my mind of some of the things I have seen in the early days. I can't stop it, it just pops up, without any triggers. It really scares the hell out of me, and I sort of panic. Been off porn for quite a wile, but these flashbacks should got away also. I honestly have no clue, how to deal with this. It's not very frequent, but I have to lose this too. It throws me back in time, and I instantly think of the life I was living at that time , again.Makes me feel sick, and very, very insecure. I try to keep my mind busy, and that works. Any idea's ?

 

[jjyb]

Totally, I just had a week of really strong flashbacks and images.  It was very unnerving as well and I felt a relapse was unavoidable.  I think it is on it's way out now, hopefully with no relapse.  What helped me was thinking through it a bit. One thing i remembered from a long time ago is that addicts tend to avoid feelings, so when I get feelings I think I have to do something about them.  Just sitting with feelings is hard for me, I always think that I have to change how I feel, or fix it, which is probably why I am so prone to addictions.  So I tried to just relax and not panic, just let the flashbacks (and suffering, it was a bit painful like withdrawals) have their time without doing anything and let them pass. I said to myself many times, "this will pass."  I reminded myself I am in control of the bottom line behavior, not the feelings. 

The second thing I did is probably unique to me and maybe a few others, but for some reason I need to be free of all pressure to quit.  It needs to be a choice, not a "have to."  As such I am careful not to tell myself that "I shouldn't think these thoughts", "I shouldn't look at P," etc.  Sometimes I will even give myself permission to look if I want to, and that seems to relieve a lot of pressure in me. So far I haven't taken myself up on the offer, because I really don't want to.  I just don't want to be told I can't look, yea some kind of parental issue I'm sure.

Lastly, I realize I haven't been exercising, relaxing, or eating right.  I did go a for a walk last night and felt much better, and I picked up some smoothie ingredients.

I like to believe that every time I walk through a trigger or a flashback without reinforcing the behavior by acting out that the pathway in my brain for P gets weaker and weaker.  Like filling in the groves of an old vinyl record (but if I'm not careful they can easily be carved out again!).  When I am stuck in P it's like I am stuck in one grove, playing the same track over and over again, but when I am not stuck in a grove it will pass on to something else eventually.

 

[hopeful]

jjyb,
thanks for reply.
Maybe the key is, as you said, to make the situation no bigger than it is.When I fall into panic mode, the stress will rise. More and more pressure to not giving in. For me these flashbacks come as a complete surprise, and kicks me in the stomach.It throws me off balance.
You're right, panic doesn't help at all, but I still haven't learned to deal with it in a sensible way. I'll try to bend my thoughts and feelings into an upwards spiral. I happen to be someone who worries easily.
Anyway, thank you for your input on this,it's helpful, and excuse my poor writing, it's not my first language

 

[hopeful]

haven't had any flashbacks yet, since my last post. I commit myself not to panic when it should occur.
I've come too far to lose myself again in a relapse.Holding on to my currently greatly improved life.
Stay strong my friends and keep on track.

 

[hopeful]

dear friends, after 280plus days, I messed up big time.I gave in to a flashback and MO'd.I truly hate myself for giving in.For me, MO is too close to PMO, and that's bad.
Man, I feel like sh*t , and my confidence has faded away completely. Me and my wife came such a long way to get to here, and at last I was stupid enough to cave.This was the only thing I wasn't expecting.Worst thing however, I couldn't even tell my wife, who has been so supportive. Unbelievable, I was acting like the "old" me again, and kept silence. I'm sick of being like this.I keep on hurting my wife, over and over again. She doesn't deserve this; it's resentful.
She has no problem with MO, but when M starts with a flashback, I am crossing the line.Basically it's pretty much the same as masturbating while watching porn on the screen.She felt already, a short time ago, that something was wrong. Again I had no guts to tell her about it. Afraid of starting a fight, afraid of hurting her, shame, you name it.All irrational thinking, but it happened.
Many times I told here on RN, to stay truthful and honest towards your loved ones. Well I broke my promise , and that's very wrong.
I don't know what to do right now. Will it ever stop?Hopefully we can keep on talking about it. I feel depressed and not very confident.
Sorry to confide to you all, especially when I stayed clean for such a long time.I don't want to demotivate anyone who's rebooting,but this is what has happened.
Thank you for reading, keep posting.

 

[Bango Skank]

All I will say mate is

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DAYS.

And during that time, you have MO'd....

Once.

Don't feel bad. Brush it off and carry on as you were. After all the work you've done and the progress you've made, I can't imagine this is the huge setback that you think it is. 100 steps forward and one step back.

I get the feeling you are an inspiration for a lot of reboot-rookies including myself. The last thing we need is you losing the faith lol  ;D

 

[hopeful]

hey Bango,
the scary part is , to get the feeling that it will always be a part of you. That these flashbacks keep on coming.
Really, 280 days without PMO or MO, is huge, I know. This gives me peace of mind,but this recent event kicked me in the stomach, as I thought I lost all cravings of any kind. The ease in witch I came to MO'ing , just scared the hell out of me.That's what I mean to tell you.
I thought I could lay back and relax, let my guard down, that I had all the strength needed to wave away the urge.
Was convinced that I had conquered this fight, and chased away the demon.It hit me by surprise, and I made the wrong decision.
Puts me right back on my feet. Today I'm feeling bad about myself, not only because of the MO, but the fact that I am still not able to be completely open to my wife.I promised to do just that, but I find it very hard to put it in practice.That's what's bugging me the most.
I think the way to complete honesty and openness is , for some of us , just as long as the journey to heal from porn.
I never intended to spread doubt amongst you readers. On contrary , I still am convinced that everyone is able to complete the healing process.I was afraid of the idea, that all our hard work the last year was going down the drain.
Just had to get my feelings off my chest, cause I'm feeling bad, and you guys have always been very helpful to me/us, as I intent to do also in the future.
So guys, please don't let my setback become a discouragement for you, we all can do this.Just stay vigilant.

 

[hopeful]

anyway, how are you doing so far Bango Skank ?
I have been away from RN for a couple of weeks now, and I curious of your progress.

 

[Bango Skank]

I suppose we will all have to be vigilant until the day our manhoods shrivel up from old age. The devil (with a small d) of addiction is always watching and waiting for it's chance.

 

[Bango Skank]

I suppose we will all have to be vigilant until the day our manhoods shrivel up from old age. The devil (with a small d) of addiction is always watching and waiting for it's chance.

Very kind of you to ask; I'm doing well. After a relapse on my 3rd week I felt I was obsessing a bit too much, as a lot of new no-fappers do. So I've been posting a lot less.

Basically it's been one big long flatline mate, not much else to tell. Although my relationship with the Mrs has really improved due to incidental things that come along with rebooting.

 

[hopeful]

that's good news. Glad to read that your relationship is improving. Getting rid of the porn numbness , is always good.
Good luck !

 

[hopeful]

Fell off the wagon again !
For months I managed to stay away from P, and actually was doing great.
I have been watching P again, been lying to my spouse, tried to keep it a secret, and made my relationship darker than it was ever before. I'm afraid that I've made a final mistake that will eventually end our marriage.How can you stay involved with someone who keeps on lying over his addiction ?
It all has to do with respect and honesty towards your partner, in with I fell short in a massive way.
Feeling sad angry, and sick, can't imagine what this does to my wife, who's has been betrayed again.

 

[hopeful]

next Tuesday I go and see my doctor, to get counseling, again. it will be for the third time now. I really hate myself for hurting my wife so bad, after all I've learned during the counseling sessions. Should have known better, and I do !
My wife told me she lost a bit of all her anger, and tries to keep calm, despite of all emotions. I'm so glad she tries, that really helps a lot. It's now or never , I have to deal with this, and make it stop. My last relapse has everything to do with making stupid, non thought over decisions, and that's very wrong. It gets from bad to worse , every time, and I knew it in advance. And yet here we are again. I hope to find some answers at the counseling sessions.
I'm truly  thankful that my wife is still willing to give it another shot, after all I did to her,
Keep you posted !

 

[Jon64]

Hopeful, sorry to hear of your struggles, I can relate to being a chronic relapser.  The biggest thing that I've learned is it has to be you to finally say that you are done with this addiction. I did that and I quit negotiating with my addiction and I'm approaching it the same way I did when I quit smoking cigarettes.  Cold turkey and no compromise. Good luck and God bless and above all keep trying.