newbie

[hopeful]

jon64,
thanks for your reply,
For sure I promised, I'd never lie again, I'd stay away from P, and I'll be  open and honest.And yet, I broke all of this, and turned to P again. To me it is  shocking how easy this venom sneaks into your life. Especially  for the third time.  It is literally destructing our lives and family. I'm determined to conquer this, and lead a clean life from now on, but the problem is , how i'm gonna get my wife to believe in me again. I just lied to many times , and now there's even more broke than there was before. It will be a long run I know, but I just want to and have to get rid of this sh*t, once and for all !
It's your own willpower that can make the difference, nothing more.
keep posting !

 

[hopeful]

well, been away for some time, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm doing fine, and am making more progress every day.
PMO and MO are away completely, and I only think and long for real sex and lovemaking to my own wife. My mind is at ease, and is clear. The counseling(third time ) is really going to make a difference, cause this is the first time we focus on learning to recognize the first signs of relapse, and how to deal with it. Last time I relapsed, i got triggered by some erotic webcam girls adverts on tv. It slowly, but surely sucked me down in the dark hole of full blown addiction. My only reaction was panic and feeling bad about myself. Got low self esteem, and at last didn't even bother trying to stop it. To me it was ever so clear that I just couldn't leave this behind. Brain was fixed on porn again, and I failed. End of story.
Again it was my wife, who picked me up and got me to find help again. Sure, she considered leaving me, cause she couldn't cope anymore. I don't blame her for that. After all she was still in a healing process after the previous times. It's amazing to me , every day, that she found the strength and courage to fight for me and our family, and I'm so thankful for that.
Well, here we are, and I finally have the feeling that we can win this battle, and that I truly can be a better man, my family deserves .
Let me give you some advise and tips I learned, and really have helped me. I know I'm not there yet, but am convinced I will get there
in a wile.
- get an accountability partner.
  often your SO, is too close to you, and when you try to confide in him/her, you probably get the feeling of causing too much pain or
hurting him/her. Then you're more likely to hide, deny, or lie  about it. Lying is probably the most demolishing thing to do, to a relationship !
- get good counseling.
  Even if it isn't working out for you , keep on seeking help. This PA is getting more of a problem every day, and more and more people   
  are taking this very serious.
- train your brain to convert bad thoughts into more healthy ones. Not just go out and mow the lawn, but challenge the brain and keeping it occupied( making music, reading , solving puzzles, meet some friends).
- acknowledge your addiction. The P images will be poisoning your brain for some time, and we all know that. It's the way in how you   
  react to these flashes, and bringing your mind at ease. You're not a bad person for having these back flashes, it's all about what and       
  how your reaction will be on this. Be proud of every time you succeed in withstanding. You'll feel better, it's true.
  Think about all those dark times after you PMO'd. I, for example felt like s*t.
Last week my wife and I even gave an interview about my PA, to Lee Williiams, who contacted us here on RN, and is currently writing an article about PA for the newspaper " the Independent " in the UK. Funny, but it helped us too, knowing that more people are feeling the need of bringing this addiction to light.
In a few weeks I'm planning in participating in a medical research of PA, here in The Netherlands. The research is about looking for differences in the brains of healthy, and PA men. I'm glad to offer all the help I can in the battle against PA.
So, to all of you here on RN, keep fighting this terror,  you are in control, you can make your own decisions, and you're the only one who can turn this around.
Thanks for reading this long post, and just ignore my grammatical errors (not my first language)
Wish you strength and determination.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi HOpeful,
I have read your notations of your struggle with relapse.  It does seem like you have had some long periods of sobriety and that must be a plus in the brain rewiring department.

I didn't notice this suggerstion or your mentioning it, but do you use a porn filter?  I know it doesn't make our decisions for us, but I found it definitely gives some breathing space. 

Also, you may want to consider the porn recovery program  "FORTIFY"  (fortify.org)  FOr a one time fee of $39 you get lifetime of access.  They have a lot of good stuff on getting passed urges.  I finished their program and review it a lot.

I have been thinking about your getting your wife to trust you again.  This will be hard to do if she has been betrayed many times before.  I think it can happen, but for now put all your emphasis on doing the program and coming clean.  Then the proof will be in the pudding.  She will see that you did it for you and not just because she was fed up.
I root for your recovery.  It is possible.  IN fact some of your own history shows it is possible, you just need to string the sobriety times together and deal with some of the underlying issues as to why you turn to PMO. 
I am a recovering addict so pleas know I do not take your struffle lightly. 

 

[hopeful]

hi Run,
thanks for reading my post. Yes we do use porn filters on the computers. I asked my wife to install them for me, just to make me feel more comfortable. I even asked her to block my phone. The hardest part , as you mentioned, is to regain her trust in me, especially after so many times of betrayal. I don't have to let her know that I'm dealing with my addiction and that I want it to go away. My behavior has changed since i quit porn. She instantly notices. I feel much better about myself and are more considerate towards the other famliy members. That's not something you do, but is a state of mind you just radiate to people next to you.
I will keep on walking this very path, cause it works for me/us.
Thanks !

 

[balanced]

Hopeful,
I read your post, and I think what makes me most optimistic for you is your statement that you now feel that you can win and be a better man. Once you feel that optimism, you change from a man running away from something that connects you to bad feelings to a man running toward something that creates positive feelings. This change is very powerful because it places you on the path of feeling the benefits of anticipatory reward...anticipating the achievement and feeling the positive psychological rush before you even fully achieve the goal. As human beings, we will always choose what feels good over what feels bad...remember, that is how we all got here...

I have recently come across what I think is a very useful, simple way to frame everything we face (urges, etc): Will power consists of three types of decisions, "I will", "I Won't", and "I Want". And it is more effective to define the "I Want" because it frames the other two very clearly.

Also, your wife sounds like one of your greatest gifts in this struggle, and being dedicated to the truth in your relationship is the best thing you can do. Talk, talk, talk...it really makes a difference. The way I have thought about things, I see my wife as an insider on this, and my counselor is an outsider, and combined they can help me examine my challenges, come to understand some of the "why" surrounding my compulsion, and giving me allies in creating the significant personal change that I want.

I, like you, thought I had this thing beat after I went cold turkey the first time, and I achieved over 800 days without PMO and MO. Then I found myself seeking P-subs, nothing real serious, and no relapse into PMO or MO, but that re-emergence of the urge is what was so troubling. My wife, like yours, was strong, clear about what she wanted in our relationships and what she did not, supportive but with high expectations and a willingness to help me find the kind of help I needed. I have refocused a great deal of effort on wiping out the urges and ogling over the past nearly 150 days and have found that a combination of reading books on self-discipline, will power, and personal growth, along with counseling from a professional with experience in PA, and dedicating myself to being open, honest and in greater touch with my own feelings, have given me a new life that I am amazed at and enjoy every day.

Thanks for the update, congratulations on the new level of resolve and effort, it is paving the way to a more fulfilling life and more meaningful relationships.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi back Hopeful,

YEs, it sounds like you and your wife are on a road to recovery in all kinds of closeness.  DO I see 127 days since PMO? on your counter?
That must be a long way towards having your brain rewired.  For myself I am at day 38.  (I have gone a bit longer than that, but I didn't count so I don't really know when I started)  Do you notice any differences specifically in your consciousness as a reault of such a long streak? 
Blessings on your cointinued walk in recovery.

 

[hopeful]

Run and Balanced, thanks for your thoughts.
I'm already experiencing the benefits of a more fulfilling life. My head is clear, my focus is much better, and the way my loved ones react on the "new" me, is promising. It all feels so right, I'm just really content in how my life is right now. What scared me though, was you saying being sober for 800! days and then the urges came back. I never thought it to re-emerge after such a long time. Man, will it never stop ? I am not kidding myself, we just have to stay vigilant, for a long time. Maybe for the rest of our lives, right ?
During my last counseling sessions, I've learned to recognize, and deal with the early signs of urges or a relapse. This kind of therapy was new to me, and I'm convinced I can and eventually will use this knowledge to counter.
I WANT this new life, I WILL commit myself in becoming and staying a better person, and I WON'T sliding off again into P.
Never !

 

[balanced]

I think, for me, the difference between the first effort and the difference is the psychology of the work...in my first phase I was really focused on abstinence, overpowering the urges. Today, my efforts focus on changing who I am for the better, and really striving for the positive change I want. Being pulled toward something I want rather than running away from something that is negative and scary.

I have seen several guys on here who have arrived at the conclusion that this is about becoming a better man, a better person, earlier than I did, and I am so happy for them.

And I think it's great you are learning to recognize the very earliest moments of the urge, that is key, and it is easier to dismiss the urges when they are not yet fully formed. Keep up the good work!