Finding freedom by MrClean

mrclean

mrclean

Member
Glad you joined my journal. Please do audit me ;)

Today I'm on day 11. Yesterday night was very hard regarding tempations.

I faced them and replaced. I just playing my mental movie from point of great joy and adrenaline rush to the next feelings of being lost and depressed and having going back to zero, and having bad days afterwards. So I convinced myself that I'll stick to recovery.

Now I feel I need to face my real problems. Trying to focus on energy, that recovery gives me to real make things that matters.

It keeps me alife with strong feeling of trusting and liking myself

So there is positive motivation in my struggle and I'm glad that for first time in my life I feel that removing porn from my life isnt something treated as a loss but its something to gain.

And with this knowledge comes strentght
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
angrydad said:
Good to see you closing in fast on your 14 day goal!

I too found quitting alcohol and smoking a lot easier than porn. I thought porn would be easy to quit, I was wrong! This is my first attempt where I have fully committed my efforts to quit porn. Using a journal to help myself be mindful of my thoughts, urges and triggers has proved a great tool and I'm not too sure if I would be at day 9 without it. It looks like you're doing a great job after a few early setbacks, keep up the good work mate.
Click to expand...

Right? As one sexoholic on my group said. Quiting porn is like quiting alcohol when you work all day as a bartender in club! ;)

Thanks for the support!
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Almost reached 14 days

Today is friday and urges are rocked high. I nearly took my tablet from work (tablet is unprotected) so subconsciously I'm planning to look for porn.....

Writing on this forum helps and I doing my best to stay with my decission to be clean.

 
N

noitan

Member
14 days, man! Great.

I tell you, during the reboot you will find your subconscious will look for reliefs, stimmuli, paths to reduce anxiety and other things that will always lead to porn.

Put your foot down as porn is not an option.

I have a good feeling about both oiur reboots this time. Let's do it.
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Hi,

Glad to hear this. I also this time feel kindof different and with more hope that I'll manage.

Maybe its because I managed to better see in last two moths what PMO destroys and what being clean gives.

So I building my motivation every day (somebody told me once - the motivation is like the shower - you can't take it once) ;)

And this forum and your support is of great help and value.

Stay strong man!

 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Going back to zero. After going to club I got aroused and it turned out into PMO session....

Probably I need consider skipping parties during reboot period....
 
N

noitan

Member
Yeah, that's tough.

Important thing, though. Not beat yourself up. Start over, and try to not repeat the same mistakes, or the same routines you think lead you to rellapse.

Get up!
 
N

noitan

Member
Read this:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Follow the steps. Really. Don't just read it, follow the steps. Do it.

I think it will help you.
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Day 4/30

Urges are medium. I'm struggling not to relapse.

Doing lot's of prevention to alter my mood before it's to late.

For what is worth I'm proud of myself because for the first time in my life I'm able to choose natural and healthy ways of resolving emotional issues with no going into PMO numbness (meditation, releasing anger in proper way, excercissing, planning dreams and actions)

Many stuff to be done, hovever I feel quite balanced between abstinence and recovery and both things adds to each other.

Posting on this forum and reading other people journals is of help too

 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Day 8/30

Feeling strong. Reconnected with my GF so basicly more positive emotions last days.

My work is like shit however. Hard time.

Have strong motivation to continue recovery

So basicly everything is normal and under control.
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Day 11/30

Motivation weakened so I need to reinforce.

Feeling good, however have big mindfog. I'm also a little bit anxious regarding my work situation.

In this situation I decide to take proper care of myself today after work (excercising, meditation) otherwise I'll go into slip
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Feel like crap. My dopamine levels low so as I feel like I quiting cigaretes.

Mood swings. Had big quarrel with my GF yesterday coz I couldn't stand her bitter comments. Her anger triggered my anger and situation escalates to next point that we should definately stop seing each other.

Today morning I called her, cried like a baby, explaining that I'm not being myself, I'm extremally stressed and in despair regarding my work problems. She felt sorry however suggested that I could't make such childish excuses. In overall I feel better becouse I shared my emotions and problems with her and she listened.

I think I underestimated my stress level. There is many things going on in my work and I feel I unable to cope with them the way I wish. It triggers stress. And due to my avoidance to understand / handle my actions regarding situation I go down and down.

I had small session with pornography yesterday and today, however I decided not to reset my counter to foster my motivation. I decided to stop watching porn and this session didn't unwind to full UWSB. Let's say I just took quick look. My body is craving for dopamine so much and I must to remind myself that going back to porn is not an option. I need to survive this time and be strong for myself and it will go back.
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
I had a slip. Accumulated stress and sadness and decided to go back to my old drug to improve my mood....

Finding positives. From may to october my days when I have slip gradually comes down from 15/month to 2-3/month.

And I feel more motivated. Previous 15 days had been very comfortable for me. Shitty outside and calm inside. What doesn't help that after 10 days I'm starting do have withdrawal effects resulting in lower dopamine and it together with stress and sadness puts me into medicating myself.

So probably I need more emo-prevention before it's to late next time. Not sure how can I do it, however will try to put my journalling routine into practice and be careful to write everyday emotions and see patterns and warnings.
 
N

noitan

Member
Prevention and profilatics too, brother... I think you need to find a way to find activities when the urge strikes...
 
U

ulaozin

Active Member
Hi MrClean,

You are doing great man! What can I say: There are days that we simply can't avoid sadness, there are days that the emo-thing  overcomes us.  What is important is that you are recovering from your relapses and you are increasing the distance between them. You are fighting and you are making progress, that's what matters.
 
mrclean

mrclean

Member
Day 4 is quite normal. Doing my work, having positive outlook.

I had some urges, however after last relapse when I think about porn I feel bad emotions (like disgust) so it's easier not to do it

It's a lie anyway, and porn is not option
 
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